[Week 47] [Contender] 3. TheInkwell(2-1) vs 4. IAmBent(2-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 18, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
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  2. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

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  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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  4. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    gonna need an extension.. sorry dude
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  5. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

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    Sounds fine.
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  6. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    Manic

    I’m not kept together, I’m just neatly packaged
    These eyes have bled tears that smiles blanket
    And no one knows, and no one hears
    ‘cause I won’t tell… the end is near…

    I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
    Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain
    My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut
    And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not - be
    I can’t breathe… This feeling isn’t new to me
    Contrarily, it’s the only thing with continuity
    I’m successful… With this briefcase and creased suit…
    Trophy walls and marble halls advertise that harsh truth
    So…
    Slide down… from the wall to the ground…
    Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown…
    And now?... it’s the ending of this…
    One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss…


    Shut these eyes into slits like sliced wrists, I’m going home
    Embrace the ice kiss of steel tips, to ticks of a metronome
    I’m standing on the tip of a matchstick - with a sandpaper soul
    That I wear under my feet, got a habit of dragging my soles
    I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fire
    My life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighter
    So I press these needles into veins that look like streets on a map
    They pinpoint me along a road trip, I’m just following the path
    I’m on my way… ETA? End of today – go
    Transit is convenient when I’m my own scapegoat
    Blood trickles down in beads, forming rivers - thin
    Punctures wounds sting from perspiration that coats my skin
    I muster up half a grin at the irony of the predicament
    They say life isn’t for us to take, so I guess that this is pretty theft
    Cause I’m not worth half a cent, my networth is fraudulent
    They gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless
    The mood has gotten ominous, I’m at that point where I am optionless
    And even if I had choices, I’d have nothing to weigh them with
    I’ve come to learn that life’s a midget... if you aim high you’re sure to miss it
    So my endeavors got me falling at a blood drop per second
    I’m a broken instrument... staining this house, a broken pen
    This will be a slow death......

    Daybreak... the sun creeped in through the blinds
    And shed a tear as it kissed my cheek for the first time...
    Goodbye

    [​IMG]
    Slow
    Broke
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  7. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

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    "Lust - Greed - Anger"

    [​IMG]

    Lust

    He burned within, turned amidst his lurching sins
    Urging him to press against her tender virgin skin -
    Certain, then, of his obsession hotter, than the desert sand,
    The scent of man fills her nostrils as his grasp met her hand,
    This was forbidden, just a month ago, she was betrothed
    To become the seventh wife of him who sits upon the throne,
    She'd resist, he knows, but he must insist, she throws fits,
    His bold kiss to those closed lips meet with cold fists...
    She's feeble though, he feels her knees below quiver and quake
    His evil grows, lifts her dress, drenched with river and lake,
    The inner flames awakened, blazes that have waited to raze her
    Since the days in the marketplace, her face is a vapor
    From a candle in his heart burning the wick of his dreams
    Abandoning his art, he crafts such sickening schemes,
    So wicked they seem like quickening steam from hell's loins
    He pushes it, hard, into her, from his hand fell coins..

    Greed

    ..and coins upon coins is what he counted, each tinkle
    sending blood rushing to his hard dick, - it was simple:
    Bring the king's men in to impinge upon the citizens
    That thievery and sin were committed by the immigrants-
    Rile the mob, invoke the bile of God to purify His subjects,
    Behead one, expel the rest, then swung the scimitar of "justice"
    He, generously, would claim the homes abandoned,
    Rent each for settlement fees to rival groups of clansmen,
    He lent at percentages, increased to keep debt alive,
    Or debtors dying when their cheating hearbeats met a knife..
    So when it came the seventh time for the King to get a wife,
    His Majesty called him in: "Vizier Salim, there's a tribe
    Of foreign men, and it's said their women are rather lovely"

    He led a band of bandits into this battered country
    Ransacked and pillaged the villages, loot and plunder..
    His heart stopped as they brought her.. he looked in wonder...

    Anger

    ..and as the King slumbered, "trusted" Salim burst in the flood
    of the seventh wife's cunt glutted in puddles of blood..
    Such ecstasy had to be God in all his visages..
    The spasms slapped him, from head to abdomen with viciousness-
    The hole within him saturated by his dark deed's guilt
    The king will know she has been taken... his heart beat spilt
    Into his ears with fear...his path now became clear
    "She MUST die, what's her life to mine? I'm the VIZIER!
    I'm needed more than he needs another cheap whore"
    He was limp, so his OTHER knife is what he reached for..
    The blade hovered above her, asleep in misery,
    Wrapped her hands round the hilt, tilt the tip a few degrees..
    Her eyes fluttered open, lit like coals of hobbling fire..
    Salim hesitated, and the fading sparks of hot desire
    Gripped him with bated breath and his hands, they shook-
    Suddenly, quick footsteps made him gasp, take looks
    At the door! Who could it be?...then they faded with a laugh
    He looked back, then a sharp hot pain hit his brain -crack!
    As he licks rust, his dim eyes concentrate on her face..
    The wicked grimace of a lovely woman embracing rage

    The gates of hell are held like keys by such as these
    Their fate dwells in the cells of anger, lust and greed
    No escape for those plunged into the "flames"
    Which make up THIS place.. for "Hell" is simply a name...



    original topic:
    [​IMG]
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Ink - Honestly I didn't expect to like this verse as much as I did as it started off rather slow for me, but you had some truly top notch imagery towards the end of this verse that really connected me to the depression and suicide of the narrator/main character. It didn't feel like just another cliche piece because of the way that you captivated the emotion.

    Bent - This has to be the best verse I've read from you, ever. It transitioned well from section to section. The vocab was above what you usually put forward. The rhymes were well placed and all in all had you been writing like this the whole time I wouldn't have had to ask people if you were suffering from downs. I will say though, that now that I've seen you write like this, I will hold you to this standard every week.

    vote = Bent, he had a more developed and more engaging verse.
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  9. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

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    Ink: The bits outside the intalics were much more interesting than the intro, you had some very good imagery. Unlike most stories with a suicide/depression story, you managed to make it interesting enough so I cared about the charecter.

    Bent: The rhyming made this verse easy to get into and read. The story was also interesting and flowed well from section to section, it never felt like you got stuck in transition or anything.

    Vote: Bent
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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Ink - One thing that I like about this verse is that it revealed to me something: that writing in the 1st first person with attention to inner dialog has mad potential...it is unrestrictive of any device save for a persons thoughts on a issue/topic. You can go lyrical, topical or orally historical...in one breath. That said, I felt you did really well with this:

    I’m standing on the tip of a matchstick - with a sandpaper soul
    That I wear under my feet, got a habit of dragging my soles


    ^WHAT?!?! Killing it there, Ink.

    I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fire
    My life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighter


    and

    hey gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless
    The mood has gotten ominous, I’m at that point where I am optionless


    The verse as a whole ? I felt your first stanza was not really needed. It was choppy and only lead to a second stanza saying the same thing, but better. Still, I liked, as shown above you each line feed into one another and this continued in a great flow. I was generally impressed with this. Could have been a tad more informative to cause...his means to an end.


    IamBent- Hmm, I like the play with some of the seven sins and the back drop you created up against the Middle East. You painted it OK, though I want to say it needed some more foundation to set the Sins up with the context and time of the story. I mean by this, that you could have used Space, or the forest or the countryside to showcase these sins really, because you were very light touching on the atmosphere indicated in the opening pic and text...In short, generic story to give priority of communicated what Sins do, rather than focusing on a story that develops these sins at the rate of us, the readers discovery. Though, this was well written enough. close battle.

    V- Ink
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  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Ink - you gained steam with this as you got closer to the end. the "pretty" theft line and the midget ones were definitely my favorite. actually, after re-reading it, the last 12 lines of the first verse you didnt italicize were jus fuckin dope, all around. very well written verse, all around.

    Bent - ive always said you have a knack for coming up with unique verses that i havent seen done. very creative. this didnt disappoint. the story was able to hold my attention all the way throughout which doesnt really happen with these sort of topics. as said, the transitions were smooth, and like usual the rhymes were dope. tight verse.

    vote- Bent, but its close.
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  12. Obsent Hope318

    Obsent Hope318 New Member

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    please believe i typed out a long reason why ink won and then hit the backspace button

    bent you do well with finding the terminology for each topic but here(in this piece) you fell-off at points... not to mention the few times where you forced a rhyme scheme... the flow was good; just little forced at points as i've said

    inks story was more fluent. and his word usage sort of put you in the story ... in short, i dont know how he is losing... he brought out a better story and his vocab was on point ...inks flow was decent enough to win this

    I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
    Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain
    My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut
    And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not - be
    I can’t breathe… This feeling isn’t new to me
    Contrarily, it’s the only thing with continuity

    I’m successful… With this briefcase and creased suit…
    Trophy walls and marble halls advertise that harsh truth
    So…
    Slide down… from the wall to the ground…
    Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown…
    And now?... it’s the ending of this…
    One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss…

    i can relate to the part in bold

    vote ink
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  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    ^^^Your vote or Mr's vote won't count



    Ink - I loved the imagery here and i thought the story developed nicely. I did not like the wording. The started to read choppy in places were you said things like "Contrarily, it’s the only thing with continuity" and "The mood has gotten ominous". The mood has become ominous would have flowed. This hindered your story because it was very choppy to me. The imagery was still nice. You just need to smooth things over with how you present your story though. Good work



    Bent - Well done absolutely one of your best verses. The rhymes and the flow were perfect. I thought the imagery was great as well. You moved the story along nicely and kept me entertained. I was actually thinking this would be boring but you surprised me. You should write like this every week and you can get your title back :p


    V/ Bent for have a polish, better story.
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Bent up 3 to -4
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  15. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    VOTE=Bent

    Ink-
    you wrote a interesting piece but what i found was that the pic and the story didn't have as much of a connection as i'd hope it was sorta far fetched im not sayin it didn't connect. it was just a stretch imo. you had some unique delivery with ur rhymes, but ur structure could use a lil sharpening up other then that, i felt ur personality really shone in ur verse good job.

    Bent=
    Fuck dog great way to deliver a story. prob my fav verse all week. ur always very methodical and calculated when you write ur narratives. I was totally digging how you tied this verse into the pic's and thought that the unique approach u took really sealed the win for you. Bent had a more aesthetic verse for me. which proves he is the winner in this bout.
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  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Bent wins 3 to 1
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