[Week 47][Championship] C. ShadowWarriorfs(25-16) v 2. S. Issue(4-0) v 3. Souled(8-9)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Shadow, Feb 24, 2010.

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  1. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]

    VERSES

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM EST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    NASTY- LyRiKaLxLoRd
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    Gonna start calling this the Triple Threat Story Telling League. All these three way matches.
    Good luck.
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
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    60,689
    test
  4. Souled In

    Souled In New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    100
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
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    Innocent Confession

    [​IMG]

    Dear Diary,

    I was an innocent, pure, beautiful temptress
    In a sense I needed more than this life as a waitress
    Receiving poor tips from a constant wait list
    Coming home to a stepfather who was labeled a rapist
    My life climbs to the top of the devil’s playlist
    His fists crackle my jaw, saliva now tasteless
    A typical racist, angry with me for filing the police cases
    Evicted from his grasp by a judicial bases
    Confined to the street corners, standing on broken shoelaces
    Hoping two faces would recognize my bruised braces
    Crying in pain as their eyes became faceless
    I was weak but they were the disgraces

    So I decided to change and become more evil
    Feeble eyes blacken like the skin of African people
    While my complexion dies, my lips burn with fire
    Dressed in demonic attire, tongue pierced with satire
    I wanted revenge on, not just him but all men
    Every one of them must suffer and die in sin
    My eyes begin to burn, luring each one to their doom
    Gloom overtakes the earth as a chill fills the room
    A drill kills a Coon, observing quietly in the darkness
    Heartless as my smile booms, leaving a scorched carcass
    Targets now scatter as urine leaks from their bladder
    Laughter now mesmerized by my sensual chatter
    My father stands before me, rope now suffocating
    A man in his forties, weakened and defecating
    Nightmarish fantasies I’m replicating
    Causing satisfaction as I strut while waiting
    His body now decapitated and shaking
    As I stand above him, air evacuated and taking
    His life into hell as I stare demonically at another
    As I move towards the next victim, my mother

    Signed,
    Jezebel

    [​IMG]

    test
  6. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    "For Every Jew I Hated"
    [​IMG]

    Tattered, torn and bruised. Body, clothes and shoes—
    each piece holey, beneath the sullied dirt. These Jews.
    Plague of the earth, they all revert to their devious ways
    especially when they’re starved. Facing the grave,
    debts to pay. Sins delayed by their insistence to pray.
    Fingers flayed purple by cold, no mittens around
    when all the cloth is knit into gowns, broken down
    to makeshift clothing. Hate is holding a side of them,
    they’re fighting then; commandments don’t apply men.
    Thou shall not covet our Nazi items, or hide’em
    in safes, trade them as trinkets or deny them.
    For a nation united, we must keep people confined in
    Auschwitz, Sobibór, barbed wire, wooded firings
    that leave trails of smoke long above country sides.
    Men turned to ash, women lashed— everybody dies.

    Of course, a select few Jews avoid the gun reports,
    but those that do must prove they’re worthy sports
    for the Doctor’s purpose. More than just lovely—
    twins, deformities, all made perfectly for his studies.
    He likes to separate them, inflict pain on one twin,
    See if she can breathe when he lets the gasses in
    to her sister’s room, she gags and sputters aloud.
    They’re connected, he feels he’s really learning now.
    With the deformed he plays surgeon, Frankenstein-like
    in his attempts to find life, create his own lime-light.
    The most gruesome thing, an intrusive ring in my mind
    while he wraps a young Jewish woman in razor line,
    somehow it breaks my pride. She wails and cries.
    A beauty, her nails pried with a wrench’s mouth, wide.
    This very day it’s imprinted in my splintered memory,
    squinting endlessly until it brings the end of me—
    the sight of bodies sparked, laid in ground unmarked.
    Like the bullet, impending,
    this remembering tears my Nazi brain apart.





    __________________________
    topic: mind games
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  7. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    Why has my Souled In account been banned? I was gonna say I just got home from work and I am about to post after I get something to eat. Nice verses.
    test
  8. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    The Butterfly Effect.

    The fair winds blow carrying the scent of spring.
    Apple trees spun with rot impressed with leaves
    Glue or snot, something that stuck to my shoe
    A note that if you read'd scare the funk out of you
    A mustard green hue, enveloped on a patio
    I reminisce on the past, and unlace my boots
    And read what is about to unravel​

    ----------------------------------
    You have 12 minutes to live
    ----------------------------------​

    A spy in the meadow perhaps hiding and mental
    My pride seeks vendetta but I cry at the tempo
    What is the point to it all...
    I seek God, but he calls me a fake
    Why? Because this could all be a prank
    But how do I know?...
    My feet stink from work.
    Wine drinks to my worth- I
    Steam and I curse- I
    Breathe- till it hurts
    Deep as a corpse- it
    hurts.
    But my heart
    Starts like a train- it
    Harks at the pain- this
    Nothing this game can offer- swift
    Fame gone but something- else
    Here to come get me- this
    Felt good as I thought it- and I
    Lost fear for a moment- that I
    Lost track of the time and then I swallowed
    This pride of mine, can not wait for tomorrow- because it is
    Shot. Shoot.
    You lost? I loot! I try and I die and for what?
    Your truth.​

    ...
    That I never had.
    So what I ask is that you see my black and whiteness
    That you understand how I was in this life quick
    Just listen on my last moment because
    I really might die, my crime is above
    That I have regretted, but now infected
    swoon eagle I feel as my single hurt wing..
    opens up.. and my
    Affection soars.. for freedom but...
    I hold on... to life, and I... fight it
    For I am losing hold to sanity..​

    Why? Perhaps because of the notion
    That I might die like some potion
    Came swift from the sky to slay me
    So i-.. deny-- like we.. always.. used to do.

    And if I die who cares.
    You know what? I aint scared.
    Take my life, God, if that's what you want.
    I'm here, and I know I was stuck.
    But if you let me live, well
    I will try harder, to avoid... lol just kidding
    I don't really believe in the fires
    But no worries, I am now.. inspired.
    So please God, do what you will!
    I have no fear any longer!!!

    All I can say, or perhaps ask
    Is to keep sending me notes
    Or perhaps.. notions... :)
    And I very much like the apple trees.
    Do you think you could Stop Rotting Them.
    ?
    A creature in the distance...
    Jumps up with fangs split..
    Apart with death's eye
    This must have been..
    Humour.
    Perhaps.
    Open ended.
    Wanderings.
    Never ending.
    The beauty in adventure.
    Corny? And you are?
    And we are.
    Are we living or dying?
    Why must it always be one or the other?
    :D
    test
  9. Vaudeville

    Vaudeville New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2010
    Messages:
    32
    ShadowWarriorfs, it's interesting you seemed to basically take S. Issue's girl from last week and give her a backstory. This wasn't written like a diary, so it threw me off a bit to see that at the the top. As a result, I simply sort of ignored the diary aspect as anything more than a way to work in the name Jezebel, which is fine.

    I thought there was a huge jump between the first part and the second part in terms of content. Perhaps this is best explained simply with the phrase "So I decided to change." Was it really that easy? How does a girl go from an innocent figure of pity to a flaming bitch so quickly? What was the time frame here? The rapid shift left me with quite a few questions about this character. The story could have been fleshed out more, even at the expense of some of the fairly standard images.

    Stylistically, I thought you were stretching yourself on the first verse. The continued rhyme is really only impressive when it's a more difficult rhyme, something with more, and less common, syllables. That said, I appreciate the effort. The rhyme scheme was a little simplistic, to be sure. But it was safe and fairly efficient. In the second verse, surprisingly more than the first, I found you forced a few rhymes. "A drill kills a Coon," was simply an awkward turn of phrase.

    As a whole, I thought your verse was more put together and thought out than last week's. At the same time, it seemed as though your character never really became unique or real, rather instead being composed primarily of familiar images. I've always been a bigger fan of humanizing characters rather than creating sort of universal faces, as I believe it allows the reader to better connect to a character if they could imagine knowing him or her.

    S. Issue, I felt as though your verse once again put style ahead of substance. And it had plenty of style. This verse was very clear in its images, while maintaining a reasonably intricate, albeit not particularly experimental, rhyme scheme. You managed to avoid overly forced rhymes while allowing for natural pauses. And I appreciate the use of punctuation, which so many seem to avoid on these boards.

    But the character failed to become anything more than a vague outline of a Nazi soldier. Who was he before the war? What happened to him after the war? When did he decide to off himself? If ShadowWarriorfs' verse inspired questions, yours inspired even more. Taking the time to create a real person is even more important when your character is placed into a historical context. The story you're telling isn't going to surprise anyone. We know the ending, so we have to understand where your character is coming from.

    In addition, the juxtaposition of the first and second verses didn't work for me. Because I never really felt connected to the character, it was difficult for me to grasp why he was able to, so dispassionately, rip into the Jewish people, only to reverse his stance and offer at least a grain of morality. Setting up a clear timeline would have aided substantially in the transition.

    Finally, I did not like the shallow view of the Holocaust displayed in your story. When approaching a historical topic in a verse, I think it's important to know more than just the bare-bones facts about the topic. You didn't dig deeper. The closest to real detail you reached was the reference to Sobibor. You never dug into why the Nazis, or at least this particular soldier, followed the plan against the Jews, instead opting for the admittedly easier direct approach. I think that's been the problem with both of your verses I've read: You put one foot into the pool instead of diving in headfirst.

    oNeiRiC, I honestly don't believe I've ever read a verse quite like this. You were all over the place in ever regard. The end result was really confusion, above all else.

    I think you were going for a spoken-word style, but it wasn't successful. You jumped topics and voice too often, and your phrases did not always seem connected. There were moments where you seemed to be hinting at real poetry, moments where I felt the piece could turn the corner. But then you would slip into either a cliche phrase or an ill-fitting one, such as your use of "Glue or snot" in the third line or "lol" in what I assume was a prayer.

    The rhyme scheme and cadence where equally varied in quality. There were points where I had the flow working perfectly in my head, and others where the rhyme was completely lost on me. I don't necessarily think it's a terrible thing to drop rhyme, but you should indicate you are doing it and not structure it in the same way you would the rhyming portion of the verse.

    I've put together the content enough that I think I know what the story arc was: A man is forced to contemplate death, and appreciates the opportunity. In my opinion, it was a poor attempt at being thought provoking. More structure was clearly needed throughout this verse, and you should put more consideration into how you approach a stream of consciousness verse in the future. Consider framing your stories, rather than seeing where they wind up.

    There were moments, but I am afraid they were few and far between.

    That leads me to the verdict. This battle comes down to ShadowWarriorfs and S. Issue. oNeiRiC simply lacked the structure, consistency and advanced stylings of his competition.

    With that said, there were clear flaws in each verse. I believe S. Issue is the more advanced of the two writers, but I also felt his content was shallow and vague. ShadowWarriorfs dealt with this problem as well, though.

    This is actually a very tough vote. I think the deciding factor may be the endings of each verse. While S. Issue structured his verse as if there was some twist, leaving me disappointed because, frankly, suicide is the biggest copout in writing, Shadow Warriorfs didn't bother to try anything fancy. He simply put a twisted spin on the verse, one that, even with all my questions about the character and motives, kind of gave me a bit of a smile.

    I think I enjoyed the devious nature of the way ShadowWarriorfs' verse ended more than any other aspect of any of the three verses. So he gets my vote.
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    Shadow- Good story. It really kept my interest the whole way through. I've seen the whole "father rapist/daughter revenge" shit a lot, but this one still seemed fresh. It was well written. The imagery was dope. Your rhymes we're nice, but i woulda liked to see a few more multi's in there. I also liked the fact that it was short, lol. Like Vaud said, the diary part wasn't really fitting.

    Issue: From a mechanical standpoint, i thought this was dope. Rhymes were nice, flow was cool, imagery was there. But I wasn't feeling the story that much. To have some sort of twist would have been cool. But it just seemed like it was Nazi killing shit, nothing deeper. maybe i missed something, i read it three times, and thats all i got out of it.

    Souled: This shit lost me dude. I really have no idea what was going on in this verse. I re-read it a couple times and that didnt help. After the "you have 12 minutes" to live part i dont know whats going on. Your rhyme's were nice at times, and then you'd go a few lines where nothing rhymed. Flow was cool. I just wasnt really feeling this, dude.

    vote- Shadow
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  11. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    383
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Shadow Wins match 2-0-0

    after deductions

    Shadow wins 2 to 0 to -2
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