[Week 47] [Champ] C. Got Life?(3-0) vs 2. ShadowWarriorfs(30-15)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 18, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]
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    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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    VOTING


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    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    One of these days I'll write you a personality. For now I'll just have to kick you back to the bottom so that you can get a win off of Benigno.
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Topic: Transformation

    Fake companionship consumes friendly faces-
    Hiding devilish smiles of gaunt treachery without traces,
    And the ecstasy in ecstasy is a tower to climb
    While just a waterfall to fall, yet still the crime-
    Is that music deafens any opportunity for conversation…
    So the alternative is a grab, a nudge, or sedation…
    Our only thing in common is our blunt and at last-
    She’s just blunt and just asks me to fuck.

    And so…
    The syringe dove into my arm; I’m so without alarm-
    The harm is gone so now I fly on this weathered calm,
    Into the eyes that can see vividly only the fake…
    The blackest drops of desolation now die as I wake,
    I’m only mistakes…but the endorphins endorsement,
    Keep the cycle in full swing; their my four horsemen,
    As figures streak across my plane of vision,
    Each making an engrained incision, a deranged musician,
    Who never seems to notice me…I’m hoping please-
    …that this won’t release, my tear ducts of hopeless pleas,
    I am the once alive, now broken me.

    And so…
    My course tongue sloshes inside of skeptical daydreams,
    As they fall into a vat of endless stumbling screams…
    My hands grab at any mirage of sex or drugs,
    Any glimmer of violence...of broken down thugs-
    While my feet play tag unconcerned with my balance,
    Shattered equilibrium, I’m the stumbling John Vallance,
    So while fluids now flood my ears and spin in a hurricane,
    I know my reality is gone. Hell, I don’t even know it’s name.

    And so…
    The pure exhaustion flew through my esophagus,
    Hand in hand with vomit of putrid stench from sausages,
    Euphoric feelings chased away by a hammered head-
    Wedged between anvils, perhaps I’ll be hammered dead,
    For now...
    I have the gritty taste of a sandpaper like gum,
    Washed down with a glass of gravel and nails by the ton.

    And so…
    What was once a dizzy dance of friends and lovers,
    Now feels…in intense vagueness like man discovers…
    An orgy of facades and sexual innuendoes...
    Where every figure is incapable of actions beyond crescendos,
    Except in this I find a shadow of pure sexual stimulus…
    And emotions mix with hormones bringing out the fear in us,

    And so…
    My hands so numb feel a visage of frozen fear,
    And a stagnant body clutches me, begging me to hold it dear,
    Shed is its last, pure, hopeless tear,
    And now as I sit…
    All I can see is its ravaged body dragged out of here.

    And now…
    This world tilts to the wind…
    Any hope ever had, can forever rescind…
    The heroine wins-
    Splintering my blood veins in raped ecstasy.
    A transformation, I guess that’s me.
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Corruptible


    I’ve watched Sarah mature quickly over the years
    From juvenile antics to depressing break up tears
    Cycling through men while trying to hide her emotions
    Her parents always worked, focused on their promotions
    So Sarah spent her childhood trying to compensate
    Sexual appetite on time while her periods have been late
    Abortion clinics follow, as she feared losing the attention
    Friends tried to help but she ignored the intervention
    As Sarah aged, she became focus on her appearance
    Clothes from Gucci, nothing bought from clearance
    Hair straighten, skin moist, makeup neatly applied
    Spritzed with Bombshell, a fragrance Victoria supplied
    Sarah now ready for a new start, optimistic and full of hope
    Traveling to the light unaware of my wings around her throat

    Sarah realized life in the city wasn’t as she thought
    Struggling to survive, still wearing the clothes she bought
    Working as a secretary of a law firm, experience entry level
    Her boss was a stuck up worm, sneaky like he was the devil
    But Sarah tolerated it because he promised more money
    He loved her skirts saying her “legs looked like honey”
    Sarah was thankful, feeding off the attention given her
    Staying late despite the exhaustion, her vision a blur
    Her boss craved her as he began rubbing and kissing
    She knew what he wanted, smiling Sarah kept insisting
    It would be consensual but I had heard enough
    I whispered to Sarah that she didn’t need to be tough
    I would protect her; it was my duty as her angel
    She conceded to my will, convinced I had no angle

    But she was wrong, since the beginning she was mislead
    Her boss was just another victim that I had wanted dead
    A mere pawn in my chess game with the ‘God Almighty”
    Isolating her so the loneliness could fall inside of me
    Constantly under my control, guiding her down a path
    As she followed carelessly, I looked at God and laughed
    I told her to take his life stating that he needed to burn
    So Sarah tied him up, lit a match to watched him squirm
    He begged her to stop but she smiled at his doom
    She enjoyed his screams and fed off his gloom
    Grabbing scissors Sarah quickly pierced his neck
    Blood poured as the air started to cool his sweat
    She just watched him then grew bored and left
    Sarah had no remorse and no tears to be wept
    A mindless puppet void of any heartache and fear
    Listening to whatever I had whispered into her ear
    I had corrupting perfection, now perhaps God will believe
    That although he named her Sarah, to me, she was just Eve…


    [​IMG]
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  7. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

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    Got Life: You substituted having anything which captivates the reader with just mashing in long words and shit for no real reason. At no point did I connect with the charecter in this verse. The vast majority of rhyming was single syllabel and it dragegd on.

    Shadow: Throughout the story you managed to develop the charecter a decent amount and yet still let the story move on. It all flowed together well and as intersting to read.

    Vote: Shadow
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  8. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

    Joined:
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    tough

    GL? - great verse, excellent word choice, scheme was consistent for the most part, repetition did nothing for me, but you really brought the drug addiction to life, great word play with heroine at the end, overall great vision throughout the verse with detail and imagery, no complaints, just a solid story on a poetic level

    Shadow - I really liked this verse, you are an awesome story teller, some things didnt work for me in terms of the believability of the female's psychology, but i guess we have to suspend disbelief for the devil to play. I liked the ending, and you incorporated the picture rather well, solid word

    Close call

    Vote -GL i think brought a creative and fresh look at a played idea of drug use, and incorporated the topic real well with his use of metaphor and imagery. Shadow told a solid story but not enough IMO
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  9. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    gl - you're plodding along nicely then you throw in odd wording like 'I’m so without alarm' which just read so bloody awkwardly and i don't like it. stop it. other than that it was a pretty bog standard verse which seemed more of a 'doing enough to win' then anything genuinely exciting. also you have you have this habit sometimes of making the line a little too needlessly descriptive like 'Hiding devilish smiles of gaunt treachery without traces' just seemed a bit long winded to me. i did, however, very much like 'And the ecstasy in ecstasy is a tower to climb' i thought that was really good. it actually got much better as it went along, if anything you could've just cut the first stanza out and it would've stood much better that way.

    shads - i found it to be a pleasant verse but it just didn't seem to say much to me. like it was adequately written but it never really seemed to escape that safe confine that you seem to have found yourself in with your writing. you're a good story teller but some of the mechanics of your writing really hamper you in that regard. because i can see what you're saying but i can't feel what you're saying. you always seem to be just a little behind what you're capable of, if that makes any sense.

    vote - gl.
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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Got Life ? - I'm having internet problems so I'll keep my votes short this week. My general thoughts were of this: I felt you came this week with a concentration on the cadence and movement..which in a pure literary sense, it was good. The "And So's" were a wise choice to chisel out a narration, but after a couple of stanzas it became misguided and need a shift in tone as the voice demanded. Also, that you came rather poetic this week than you normally show of your self in writing. That said, some lines hit really well and some were short...I suspect that this may of have been a little experimentation because your total control of A to B story was driven first by the poetic nature and thus took over for your usual. Which was good. In the end, I'd say relax the heavy hitting for sake of flow to adjust to cater to your story telling habits. So that a balance could have been made and a deeper impression solidified. Still, great exercise in word smithing.

    Shad-- You are a very good story framer. You build nice out crops and borders for story telling and are probably one of the better in the league at doing it. That, as I always felt is your strength, which keeps you competitive week in and out. But you need work on filling the frame with not only unique details, but contemplating imagery to invite the reader to care and ponder the situations you frame so well. That my friend, is your ticket. Otherwise, as this piece documents, your story is a cheap account of situations that take the expressive easy way out..****pth. Rhymes were good. And it was a smooth read. Well written. Well framed.


    V- GL?
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  11. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Gl?

    Took me a minute to find the proper pacing but smooth verse.

    Fake companionship consumes friendly faces-
    Hiding devilish smiles of gaunt treachery without traces


    I really enjoyed the first line from many angles.
    It was interesting from a rhyming standpoint, interplay of word sounds, descriptive.
    Fake, faces, traces to connect.
    I agree with Nom though, about being a bit wordy, which dilutes the impact of what you're saying or trying to depict.

    yet still the crime-
    Is that music deafens any opportunity for conversation…
    So the alternative is a grab, a nudge, or sedation…


    Dayum, I'm feelin that.

    The harm is gone so now I fly on this weathered calm,

    Lovely flow, does feel like it floats. Now this is a line with no fat.

    Into the eyes that can see vividly only the fake…
    The blackest drops of desolation now die as I wake,


    I like the change of rhythm but the wording turns me off. Blackest drops of desolation.. mmm... how can I say, no impact to me. Hollow.

    I’m only mistakes…but the endorphins endorsement,
    Keep the cycle in full swing; their my four horsemen,


    Oh yeah! Like the stutter rhyme. Pretty cool.

    GL you writers voice sometimes goes out of phase but there are some spots where, it's so strong like a train moving at full speed as the words pour forth.

    Euphoric feelings chased away by a hammered head-
    Wedged between anvils, perhaps I’ll be hammered dead,


    Wordplay and Imagery yezzir.

    Overall Imagery and flow are strong. Creative descriptions, skillful job of writing the story too. I can tell you've done drugs lol.


    SW-

    Writers voice is always on point. You also seamlessly transition from rhyme patterns although I don't think you really challenged yourself. Basic stuff, and run of the mill rhythm.

    I told her to take his life stating that he needed to burn
    So Sarah tied him up, lit a match to watched him squirm
    He begged her to stop but she smiled at his doom
    She enjoyed his screams and fed off his gloom
    Grabbing scissors Sarah quickly pierced his neck
    Blood poured as the air started to cool his sweat


    You are so good at this, showing a scene unfolding action by action.

    I wasn't really feeling the ending seemed tacked on to me. It doesn't slam home. Although it did make my brow rise.

    I was looking earlier at this picture during the week as a potential topic. My boy was over and we were free styling, in between breaks I showed him the thread. I had a similar notion, with the girl trying to seduce the dragon, because it represented something she yearned for. Lol and here you went and made her Eve and the dragon was the evil one.

    Vote - GL?

    More depth in his verse, more displays of skill, polished but I do think Shadow's way of telling a story was better.
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  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? - who ghosted this for you? no one ended up dead, so i know this wasnt you. lol. anyway, this was probably the best verse i read this week so far. i havent read noms yet so we'll see. vocab was good as usual. your imagery was very vivid this week, and I actually liked some of the repetition, like using the different meanings of blunt, etc. good job.

    Shadow - what the fuck is it with people writing about angels/religion/bible stuff this week. damn. lol. you really couldnt make this one easy though, could you? i really liked your story this week. but, i feel like ive read this verse dozens of times from you. you always seem to write about a female character being mistreated who ends up killing a male character. also, a lot of the rhymes seemed pretty simplistic.

    vote- GL? but this was a close matchup.
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  13. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    GL~
    im not sure if this was a typo or just an awkwrd worded bar but..
    'I’m only mistakes…' threw me off a bit but bro ur wording was impressive the story i actually enjoyed.. one of ur more pleasen pieces i've read.. rhyme's were also strong not to dramatic but very potent.

    shad~
    great verse developed story line. end rhyms like usual were safe and sound.. no technical rhymes like gl's story line was elaborate and interesting but not as unique as GL's you mechanics were perfect but compared to gl's it was a bit bland.

    vote=GL?
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    GL Wins 6-1
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  15. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    GL- Your word choice and imagery was dope in this one.
    "My course tongue sloshes inside of skeptical daydreams"
    any many others stood out. the way you made took heroine and made drug use a sexual experience was unique too. It's not something I havn't heard of, but it's something I haven't seen anyone write about.. But that probably says more about me than this piece..

    Shadow- That's a killer way to end your piece man.. Rhymes were good, but nothing crazy. There could have been more/better imagery, but actually, with the way you wrote your story, it feels appropriate... just because of how in the end she's kind of detached from everything. Overall, I really liked your story and that ending line was damn clever.

    vote- GL. I liked both, but GL had the better verse..
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  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? wins 7 to 1
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