[Week 46] [Champ] C. T.a.C(9-5) vs 2. Got Life?(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 11, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 se
    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Don't cry for me Argentina...
    The truth is I never left you.

    Heuheuheu.

    Chin check.
    test
  3. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Lets fast forward to the day my life will change
    Walking in the front door, something feels strange
    Spent the day with friends, now home for the night
    Mom and Dad are probably just now onboard their flight
    They went to Vegas for a few days, leaving my bro and I
    Alone to try and survive, but they’ll be home tonight
    I stopped at the store, grabbed a pizza to take and bake
    Make us shakes, then serve it and arrange the plates
    I walked over to the steps, calling out my brother’s name
    He never came, so I figured he was playing another game
    I walk towards his room and my jaw drops instantly
    And forever etched into my mind was this horrific scene

    Rewind back to elementary, when I was in 5th grade
    My little brother was in 3rd grade, and always a bit strange
    Autistic with physical issues, we were always close from birth
    But he wasn’t with the kids at school, and most were jerks
    Picking on him, calling him names, stealing his paper sack
    Holding his lunch, and it was up to me to take it back
    Due to me standing up for him, I had also became an outcast
    I had friends before they knew him, but they have now passed
    Weekends usually involved helping him take his supplements
    It’d be nice to go out, I wouldn’t mind having a couple friends
    But since my brother’s issues made him such a rarity
    I had next to no chance of ever gaining popularity

    Fast forward to the funeral as I sit reflecting
    Its upsetting how simply rejecting their attempts to friend me
    Would have changed this ending, when I entered his room
    A weird smell poured out like a strange perfume
    I open the door, walking in, I see above the floor, the feet
    Of my little brother, leaving me frozen in the California heat
    A sight to see, so frightening, I cant move like I’m paused
    As fear strikes me like lightening, knowing that I caused
    I caused this happening, this tragedy, grabbing the knife
    Stabbing it right into the rope above the noose that he tied
    Catching my brother as his limp body falls to the ground
    This wasn’t my first time cutting him down as grief compounds

    Rewind back to the transformation, the beginning of the end
    He was on the tire swing spinning when he fell, hitting his head
    Pinning him in the sand, too bad it was in front of some other kids
    Who thought I had pushed him, they run over calling my brother shit
    Laughing so hard, all my life besides my bro I’ve had nobody
    But these kids are praising me, saying that I’m so funny
    This is my chance, but he’s down, do I kick him?
    Thinking he’ll forgive me, I tell them I just babysit him
    I make a few jokes, hoping that he can’t hear me
    I turn around to see him on the ground, tearing
    They drag me away to hang out, I’m a dick, no denying
    I made “real friends” while he was left alone crying

    Fast forward from that day, as my popularity soared
    I wasn’t any longer at home with regularity any more
    Through Jr. High leading all the way into high school
    My presence at home was unseen, becoming like a ghoul
    Always out with friends, partying, this became more crucial
    Telling my bro we’ll hang tomorrow, that wasn’t truthful
    In fact, on that horrible day he committed suicide
    He had asked me why I never tell him the truth, just lie
    And in response I told him “today will be just you and I”
    But I got a call about a pool party, I told him I had to slide
    I lost my real best friend, and I have no way to rebound
    Plus when I needed a shoulder to cry on…
    …my new friends were nowhere to be found

    Fast Forward, Rewind
    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    The Cure Was Her Love

    [​IMG]

    Cursed with lips, that most people wouldn't purse, their gift,
    Was the same as a surgeon slits,
    In turn, this gift wasn't nurtured, they murdered it,
    A tight grip and a tourniquet,
    Until said person was worse for this...

    When I first approached, my pride was what hurt the most,
    I used the same words to lure a hoe,
    And she had worked the shows, had seen all the bursts, the flows,
    The flirts, that worked on most,
    But not this skirt, her thirst for hope,
    Made sure she was worthy of a person's soul,
    She was a fine piece of spirit, cuz it matched her figure,
    She was a dime piece and clearly I had acted sicker,
    And she, she, she held the cure,
    I was knee-deep and quesy, but seemingly pure,
    So I said, excuse me, I acted foolish,
    Didn't know you were Mary cause I too am jewish,
    So sorry for the act, I'm Louis,
    You're attractive, and your words keep addin' to it,
    But she turned her shoulder and left,
    Apparently her parenting had made her mind older than breathe,
    But the weight over my chest, wouldn't let go of her scent,
    It held close every moment lost and not spent...

    I was played like a game in my encounters with love,
    So I gave all my pain when I encountered above-
    Such powerful stuff, and now I'm searchin' again,
    I found the person,
    But dispersed the rehearsed and furthered my zen...

    I rubbed the disbelief out of my eyes,
    When again I saw that symphony of flowers and pride,
    I approached, this time with heart and sleeve combined,
    I'd lose both if she'd leave my side,
    She said, I'm sorry but I'm already taken,
    And with that I felt my priorities changin',
    With patience, I stayed and talked her down,
    Said I just wanna chill, maybe walk around,
    So we walked around, until we found what I sought, a town,
    Made of garbage, the lost and found,
    Bricks split with concrete, a deafening sound,
    Above us hung what seemed a succubus,
    She asked, what's here for us?
    I said nothin' for you, but fear and love,
    She started tearin' up, as knew what was comin',
    When I pulled out the gun, in truth it's repugnant,
    But I took what I wanted, purely for fun,
    I was sick as fuck, and the cure was her love.

    And so she was...

    Cursed with lips, that most people wouldn't purse, their gift,
    Was the same as a surgeon slits,
    In turn, this gift wasn't nurtured, I murdered it,
    A tight grip and a tourniquet,
    Until said person was worse for this...


    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    -TaC

    General thoughts: Your opener was very weak and the elements of story writing were bastardized in the name of quick -elling exposition. For example: " I did this, bro did that, ma and dad out of town on a flight, home alone and this is what happened"ARG!!!!! ENGAGE ME. Even the rhymes and their respective set-ups were way below you.

    In two paragraphs you rhymed the word strange twice. Duce-bro are you trying this weak ? I'm surprised at this verse.

    OK, I just read the opening paragraph and honestly, I Don't want to read it in it's entirty...just not interesting. But I will :)


    ACTUALLY TAC, you managed to make this a very redeeming second half. It was both some what captivating and enjoyable. I like the play with time and even more, the emotions, the set up of said emotions and their delivery here. A sad twist...a WELL DONE JOB.

    overall you have strong organization, good start to finish with a clear plot and plot devices to bring out the emotions you are looking for....but still, the imagery is shit, the whole thing reads very simply and not to GREAT.

    Do yourself a favor, read how to write better. I mean actually goggle it. Don't listen to use fools here in the RSTL.

    Though, like I said, you interested form with structure well. A somewhat weak writing voice here.




    Got life ?-- First, this is the first time I've seen anybody use the same opening and closing in the same verse and have it work...WELL.

    TBH, while reading this about half way I was like...sigh..WTF!!!! where and why is this going like a cliché ride to over-done land ? But holding it together was a strong narrating voice with good word placements , which make the piece flow.

    It read more...or less elementary than tacs, but yet the rhymes here were just as basic, or equal to his.

    Though to be fair the ending was a real treat man, and trust me, I'm not just saying this.

    When I read it in the opening I was like ok , cool a little bit of mood/tone setting, where will this go ? at the end it was like a double meaning. Cool. TBH, that got you the vote. Cos things were not as tight as normal.


    ----

    TaC had probably a better structure, but GL? pulled of an element that when done well, lingers.

    Good match

    V- GL
    test
  6. Obsent Hope318

    Obsent Hope318 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2011
    Messages:
    82
    Tac the only thing you lacked was a poetic feel... i didnt see any flaws in your verse.


    GL you must be having an off week. at some points the verse seemed forced in story, grammar and rhyme.

    vote Tac
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    test
  8. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

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    tough.

    Tac - The beginning had somewhat weak rhyme scheme, I felt, but you tightened up and got back to TaC later on. I really liked the ending and the reveal with the time manipulation, using the topic as a writing device is pretty clever idea, the beginning was muddled, the end was great, and emotional appeal was solid

    GL - really cool verse, lots of poetic elements, what I liked the most was your flow, you used the first pic well, the last one seemed kind of cornball-ish, but I liked the repetition of the first part at the end to wrap it up.

    Vote -TaC I liked GL's writing style and creative approach, but I felt TaC's story had more scope and was a bit more unique. Close match.
    test
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689
    Obsent's vote will not count



    T.a.c - You want harsh criticism...well here it is...You started the story off kind of weird. "Lets fast forward to the day my life will change, Walking in the front door, something feels strange" IMO, when you say, "Let's fast forward..." it feels like you are either writing for a bunch of children or a group of idiots. For the most part, neither post here so the lines seem terribly worded. The rhyming at times were terribly off. tonight and bro and i don't rhyme. Overall the wording in this was pretty bad. It seemed like you tried to keep short lines and threw in random rhymes and hoped it flowed. In this case you tried too hard with that. You need to get your wording correct. It makes your verse very sloppy and despite the lines themselves flowing at time the whole story feels poorly put together. On the bright side, your story itself was pretty good. The development was nice as well. Your storytelling ability is good, you just need to work out the kinks before you'll improve again. Good work tho



    GL? - Impressive story here. The wording was really well placed. I was a little confused when you wrote breathe instead of breath but overall a well told story. I liked the emphasis on some of the words like "And she, she, she..." Overall a good story, not really unique but well delivered and well written. Good work


    V/ GL?..... T.a.C you need to get your wording and mechanics down before you can progress. The wording can hurt any great story though and i think that is what happened here. Keep working at it.
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    test
  11. callmemOta

    callmemOta #PAYDAY

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    vote/ t.a.c.
    test
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    ^^doesn't count


    GL up 2-1
    test
  13. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    tac- your story was told well. at first i thought you could've done the fast forward/rewind mechanism better, but on a second read, it was fine. the read was smooth overall, and got better as it progessed. some parts were a little choppy though.

    GL- finishing with the same lines your started with, gutsy move.. what i liked the most was the flow of your piece. it wasn't written to a constant cadence, which made it more fun to read. story was well told, although i didn't feel like the story itself was the most original.. neither was tac's though

    hmmm... i liked tac's verse better, but GL had a better verse imo..

    vote: GL? as much as i want to vote for tac, i gotta go with what i objectively think
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    GL up 3-1
    test
  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? wins 3-1. cunt
    test
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