[Week 45] [Championship] C. ShadowWarriorfs(23-16) 2. WarMachine(6-2)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Feb 9, 2010.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    [​IMG]

    VERSES

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM EST

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    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
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    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    NASTY- LyRiKaLxLoRd
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    in...good luck
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  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  4. WarMachine

    WarMachine The Legend.

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2008
    Messages:
    71
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
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    Futile

    [​IMG]


    {click}

    If you are hearing this, Armageddon is about to arrive
    I have made arrangements, hoping someone would survive
    She was constructed from living tissue, realistic with her eyes
    I devised a steel mistress, her voice to reveal the mischief
    Young enough to conceal yet old enough to resist it
    Beautiful yet deadly, she was the perfect specimen
    She deserved it, she could succeed unlike the rest of them
    Their LIBERTY was all greed and filled with blood thirst
    Controlled by political leaders, their violence was the worse
    Analytical dealers protect their SECURITY with a word
    Speaking of purity but surely this ability was absurd
    Both groups battled for PROPERTY, logically an ominous sense
    Eventually to join forces, with courses for world dominance
    But she will be consistence, the RESISTANCE TO OPPRESSION
    A devastating impression, aggression now borderlines obsession
    Her presence made them anxious, aimless deployments of their weapon
    Blackened the globe, robes stained with blood and fecal matter
    Wanting to decimate her, pure laughter follows the evil chatter
    She planned to enter their chambers, chambered with ammunition
    However decided to be subtle, puddle of blood flows from her feet
    Her expression turned cold, bold survivors tried to speak
    Yet they met their demise, their eyes close in defeat
    The world lay in shambles, ample time was giving them
    Blinded by power, I decided to shower them again
    With a single rain drop, stopped within the palm of my hand
    She served me well, Hell now a calm wasteland
    And if you are hearing this, bliss is now a job too complex
    It’s time to end it all, fall because this is God and you’re next…

    [​IMG]

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  6. WarMachine

    WarMachine The Legend.

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2008
    Messages:
    71
    [​IMG]

    I knew a girl once, the kind of girl that as she strolled by
    your heart skips a beat and your mouth turns dry
    you become lost in the moment as she elegantly skips on the air
    choking in this epic moment, it turn out to be my first love affair.
    I would see her everyday, she would come in around the same time
    hearing her heels clatter down the sidewalk; and then the doorbell chimed
    she would brush her way in and sigh in depression
    ordering the same drink and muffin; pretending I don't have an obsession.
    I would stare sometimes and not make it subtle
    at how she would drink in a hurry and set off in a scuttle,
    I never knew if she was single but I worked up the courage to talk to her
    going almost numb as my teeth rattled and it was over in a blur,
    not quite knowing what I said to her, she smiled at me her teeth pearly white
    as though I had changed her whole day and filled her with light
    she tenderly stroked my hand with her card
    I wanted to look like I wasn't desperate, but called straight away as it was hard
    I needed to know what I was happening, what she saw how she felt
    waiting to see what cards I've been dealt, whether i'd turn away or whether i'd melt.
    The years went by and our love blossomed like the summer rose of old
    unable to express the words I behold, bound in the sunrise and the dusking cold.
    She fell ill one morning as if almost suddenly it dawned her
    we went to the doctors and after we conferred he would concur
    that I would lose my love to God in the form of his cancer.
    We had planned to have children although now we wouldn't get the chance
    distraught at this romance that would now end, almost like a trance
    she would dissapear from my arms but there would be no goodbyes
    for she will live for eternity, in the love thats held through my eyes.
    Living through many years of torment without her by my side
    the long nights on the beach with my hand full of air, my toes in the tide
    and only one set of footprints in the sand, I tried my best to trudge on with pride.
    I grew old with grace, a silver fox I liked to think but still I was alone
    and although I would groan with a body racked full of pain, God kept me on my own.
    Eventually I became bed bound, I strayed into the abyss, rifled with drugs
    shivering in the 70 degree summer, bathed in blankets and rugs
    I wouldn't ease out of this world nor would it be gentle
    but knowing however twisted these games were being played no matter how detrimental
    I would pass from this world and it would be monumental.
    One night her image grew close the light shone a little brighter so I shielded my eyes
    strutting slowly along Gods palm towards this angel with wings for a disguise
    she took my hand and I sighed in relief, the greatest strain was lifted
    the pain had been lifted and the torment had shifted
    to were I walked hand in hand, again with the love of my life
    complete under the shine of her halo
    I would sit contempt with her hand in mine.
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  7. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    Shadow: So, this was a pretty tight little piece. You had a nice structure, as the rhymes worked and kept me moving forward without too much of a hitch. There was only one or two lines that tripped me up because they didn't have companion lines. Just odd to me that you forgot some of those. Overall, though, the piece was really compact, an easy read, and it kept pushing me through because I was interested in finding out where it was going. Pretty solid stuff.

    WM: Man, some of these lines feel a little stretched. They just run a syllable or two too long at points. The repetition of 'I' got a little annoying at times because I felt like it didn't really need to be overused. I bought the time jump in Shadow's because I didn't at all feel like I was narrowed down to a specific beginning or ending, but in yours I think saying that you 'knew a girl once' kind of made trouble for me, as we jump from that time to the future, to the now in such a short time with no real indication of movement. Overall, though, a pretty good piece. It just needs some way of telling us where we're moving and why.

    VOTE: Shadow
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  8. Souled In

    Souled In New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    100
    war, awesome opener, so far your way of telling the story is just.. great.

    loved this line
    she would brush her way in and sigh in depression
    ordering the same drink and muffin; pretending I don't have an obsession.

    after this thoughW
    I would stare sometimes and not make it subtle
    at how she would drink in a hurry and set off in a scuttle,
    I never knew if she was single but I worked up the courage to talk to her
    going almost numb as my teeth rattled and it was over in a blur,
    ~!i felt like you were forcing the rhymes in these two couplets

    off and on with the rhymes after this, but your story telling ability is very smooth and enjoyable

    this line
    that I would lose my love to God in the form of his cancer.
    We had planned to have children although now we wouldn't get the chance
    ~you obviously are trying to pack more punch, but honestly, you had a good story already, and this is obviously just trying to emotionally twist the reader, so let's see how it plays out after this

    the long nights on the beach with my hand full of air, my toes in the tide
    and only one set of footprints in the sand, I tried my best to trudge on with pride.
    ~very nice, i like when u do this imagery stuff ;)

    bathed in blankets and rugs
    ~like, what kind of blanket, come on now :)

    but knowing however twisted these games were being played no matter how detrimental
    ~seriously, cut it down maybe

    ahh... your ending almost made the whole cancer thing worth it, good job

    Shadow
    right off the bat, this was cool because it seems like a letter... also off the bat, compared to war's opener, you are a bit choppy, i dont think you are coming your best yet, i honestly think you and war kind of have the same style, smooth story telling.
    shadow homie, you through a lot of big rhymes around, but your story lacked depth, just read War's verse and you'll see where your smooth story telling style can go

    honestly, besides forcing a few rhymes, and not having a very innovative twists, I don't see voting against this verse of War's against any verse I've seen in a while

    vote War, oh, and I think what killed you with the other voter was cuz of your stretched lines, and seriously, there is no real reason for you to ever do that again.. I mean people DO have to read these you know... you should at least try to make it enjoyable ;)

    Shadow you the man, i just wish you didnt try out this new style, you could have given War a run for his money if you stuck to your smooth story telling, and even if War edged you out in that department.. , you could have edged him out with less mistakes
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Match ends in a 1-1 tie
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