[Week 40] [Championship] C. Pent uP(8-0) vs 2. MordridDeschain(5-2)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Jan 4, 2010.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

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    VERSES

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    test
  2. IgloS

    IgloS Eye Glows

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,790
    check

    Topic

    something tragic is about to happen.. only you can stop it.. will you?
    test
  3. IgloS

    IgloS Eye Glows

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,790
    All I is see is the dark,
    I have no sight;
    yet I see right into those who are evil at heart.
    no sun, beautiful women, trees or even flowers;
    I only see horrible acts committed by evil cowards.
    Inner demons of hell, those living with sin;
    I can foresee as well and the visions are grim.
    I guess it was a gift...that god delivered me,
    but know with such a gift comes responsibility.
    life's a sadistic ride, people are sick inside,
    so I thwart them...before they commit their crimes.
    Me and my friend David, I've known since youth;
    he's the only other person I've shown my truth.
    I'm so confused, my tears spill in the night;
    We've stopped rapes, and a man from killing his wife.
    It's hard to deal with this life, Imagine all my pain;
    People will die if I fail, by tragedies I'm stained.
    If I told any one, they'd say it's all in my brain;
    call me insane – this is my ball and my chain.
    I've grown so alone on my own in this life;
    only seeing terrible visions, never shown any light.

    I'm twenty one now, my powers have grown;
    Off at college...living out on my own.
    Barely making it by, living on minimal funds;
    a tragedy will happen, the visions have come.
    A student...
    ...full of madness no question is strapped with a weapon;
    about to slaughter his class, it all happens at seven.
    The scene plays out, I see it clear;
    He leaps up from his seat, someone screams in fear.
    He pulls out his nine, fast on the draw;
    fires fourteen rounds...blood splatters the walls.
    Everybody's frozen in dread, in a ocean of red;
    he puts the gun to his face and then he blows off his head!
    The survivors left are full of fear, they run;
    the victims families are traumatized for years to come.
    I must save their lives, before their damned;
    and stop this sordid man...
    ...so I called David up and we formed a plan.

    It happens in a hour, pace about I'm sick;
    the soon-to be killer leaves his house at six.
    I can't let them die, Fright is deep inside;
    his life must end or I wont sleep at night.
    I saw it in my vision, the hate and the gore;
    David brought his gun, and now waits near his door.
    Standing ten feet back to get a shoot that's true;
    behind a oak tree in hope it blocks his view.
    We must do our part, this killer's bound for death;
    my hands are clammy, heart's beating of my chest.
    I hear the door turn...no time to run;
    I hear him gasp in surprise and David's silenced gun.
    He drops to his porch, a bullet straight through his heart;
    probably damned to hell, to pits of flame he'll embark.
    I hate this wretched madness...I feel the need to run;
    but first David checks his jacket, and then he sees the gun.
    I regret he had to die, it's honestly killing me;
    but as I said before...
    ...with this gift that I have, comes responsibility.​
    test
  4. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Healing the wounded voices


    I've lost the grasp to laugh, I don't even have a rant to add,
    It seems wherever I go my tracks are black
    and filled with death, now my grandpa passed...
    I have to last through this mourning process
    but all the mornings cause stress
    like I'm in the midst of a stormy conquest
    that gets ruined by my own deforming monsters
    I can't tell my enemies from those impostors,
    all I can do to show I've lost it is write flows and nonsense,
    reforming myself into a lower conscious which is so preposterous....
    I wish I could forget I feel this and let the tears drip
    to help me deal with the insanely unwanted and unconsented realness
    before I turn into a modern day hell on steel rims
    and propel my wheel width, burning out over the shell of Gaia
    as an act of self relief, with the intent to contest my grievance

    I feel trapped yet unattached like wax in hearing aids
    I want to cut up an onion patch and feel ok,
    Shopping in the sky but I don't think god imagined me this way,
    using my five finger discount tryna grab some breathing space...
    only hoping that when his last heartbeats were banged,
    he was in a happy, peaceful state
    But I know he never played a hand in cheap escapes
    so he probly battled for pride and masked his beaten face
    Gods a comedian who likes to practice on the vast of peoples faith;
    making it rain to portray the grass as green today
    He's outlandishly insane, it turns my stomach as if gravity has failed
    forcing me to shout at the heavens until his damaged ego hails,
    and all I wanna do is turn the hands on his clock
    for the planets to stop in tandem with god,
    turn the palms upward and splash them with my grandfathers blood
    to expose his self gratifying insolent sandpaper gloves
    That make up his touch, Dr. Green thumb to somber reaper..
    the personalities he uses to mock what we've done.
    I'm constantly numb, and don't feel his wind pushing me
    like my grandpa doesn't feel the wood of a casket under thin cushioning,
    racing through memories of him fooling me
    playing hide and seek in the thick wooden trees,
    this is no ode to his life though, that would be written in hopes of revival,
    this is me being openly spiteful of gods ode to the cycle of broken up time codes
    that split family's by age and force generations to feel randomly estranged
    when we're supposed to be more than an address book of names,
    but the whole bloodline gets collateral calamity and strain,
    and this is my ode to how my moms handling the pain
    Granted we need change; I wish no bringer of life had to feel that stress,
    because even angels don't have a deal with death
    it took seventy two minutes to stomach these thoughts...
    that I counted on his bronze pocket watch.....
    but when my mom called, all of it consumed me quick
    Cuz it took seventy two seconds to destroy what seventy two years built
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    MD - This was a nice read. the flow was good, the rhymes were nice and the imagery was pretty good. The story was nice and was developed pretty well and was consistent. The story, at times seemed to become less interesting in part..no idea why...certain things didn't appeal to me...could've been how things were worded. Still, a nice read

    fave line -
    "It's hard to deal with this life, Imagine all my pain;
    People will die if I fail, by tragedies I'm stained.
    If I told any one, they'd say it's all in my brain;
    call me insane – this is my ball and my chain."

    Pent uP - This was an enjoyable read. The rhyming in this verse was very good. The story was enjoy and it was developed nicely. However, i had an issue with your flow. It just didn't seem to flow very smoothly because some lines seemed like it needed comas. For example

    "all I can do to show I've lost it is write flows and nonsense,"
    ^seems like a coma would help this line flow better or u were just missing a word or two

    Still it was an enjoyable verse.

    No comas

    fave line -
    "racing through memories of him fooling me
    playing hide and seek in the thick wooden trees,
    this is no ode to his life though, that would be written in hopes of revival,
    this is me being openly spiteful of gods ode to the cycle of broken up time codes"

    Overall a good battle...From a mechanics stand point things were even but from a story aspect, Pent won and thus gets my vote

    Vote - Pent uP
    test
  6. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    Iglos - i remember you slightly.... anyway though... this was a cool outline. narration was good, flow was on point for the most and the story line intro was solid too. kinda cliche in the story itself, but the way your portrayed it was pretty cool. Could have had more details in the story itself of what happened before the shooting... no complaints though... this was decent..

    Pent.... well, with my new religious outlook, you know i don't agree with blaming anyone's outcome in life on God... choices that everyone makes have consequences that often include hurting others in the process..... with that said, this was a nicely detailed and had a common prospective that i'm sure can be understand... narration was nice and flow was cool through some parts, can tell that u didn't take much time to write this though. ur endings are getting better and better... that used to be ur most difficult part... it's becoming a strength so good shit...


    Vote Pent
    test
  7. Narsil

    Narsil the unbreakable

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2003
    Messages:
    351
    dope match

    MD Some really nice inner bar flow nice multi's only minor flaw was that at some points the flow as a whole didnt connect as well as it did from line to line (hope that made sense)
    Technique as a whole tho definately ok
    Story wise it was pretty cool nothing really surprising but from line to line it was told very well. Still probably because of the topic you chose it came of as a story and nothin more

    Pent
    It seems you either have a really great imaginative mind or you have witnessed or gone trough somethin like this before...
    Shit came alive with a smoothe flow great descriptive qualities in short very good technique
    And the build and conclusion for this story were really good. I could hand out more pats to the back but in short I liked everything about this, best verse this week if you ask me.

    vote pent
    test
  8. WarMachine

    WarMachine The Legend.

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2008
    Messages:
    71
    Voe/Pent, grasped more, more polished... Good storyline and solid emotional piece. Your verse read very easily off the tongue and the rhymescheme mixed with the imagery worked very well, good job. Iglos, your piece was good it just wasn't as solid on the whole, your story was good and some great imagery in there but it just didn't get me enough buddy. Come back next week and bring the fire.
    test
  9. Kryptikal

    Kryptikal Soulstice.

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    342
    i tought that pent up won the mechanical aspect of this match. he ad more multi syllabic rhyme string and his word choice gave hs verse more imagery and gave his verse more polished feel, although his first few rhymes did feel a litle forced.. mordrid had a reltively simple rhyme scheme, and i thought your storywas slightly better, but i just coldnt get into it because of the simplicity of the rhymes.. v - pent up
    test
  10. Stacey James

    Stacey James Sail an amiable voyage

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2009
    Messages:
    14
    Iglos
    This topical was fairly plot-heavy, and I liked the drive behind the piece, exploring the psyche of a man who constantly lives in a moral grey area. To constantly have to make these kinds of decisions must be extremely difficult to live with. I believe the piece would have benefited if you had focused less on the plot and more on the character, and how he copes day to day. How what he does, effects his life. In any event, a provoking piece. Well done.

    Pent uP
    This read as a very emotional piece. These kinds of topicals are usually very risky, in regards to trying to win the encounter, because if the emotional element doesn't connect with the reader, there is usually very little else to give the topical the necessary impact. Ironically, though these kinds of topicals are usually the most honest and heartfelt, and often draw from personal experience, they can often feel cliched, simply because most topicalists have mined this particular vein before. To be completely honest, the content here didn't do much for me. However the writing itself was impressive, and the rhyme and flow of the piece was quite fluid. Also, I loved the last couple of lines, with the repitition of the number 72 being used to great effect. Nice work.

    Both writers came up with nice pieces. I felt Iglos's content more, however I felt that Pent uP's piece had the better writing, rhyming and flow, and his characterisation (of himself in this particular piece) was the more effective. So my vote here goes to Pent uP, but this one was a lot closer than the votes may perhaps make it look.

    Vote - Pent uP
    test
  11. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    Iglos thats a crazy good verse. Good read. Def into it the whole way. Keep em comin like this. Of course, Ghandi would probably disagree with the methods lol

    Pent you started off ill and related some emotion which was tight. The verse was consistent, nothing hugely new on the topic, but it made sense and related to the personal aspect very well.

    THIS PARt was awesome..
    that split family's by age and force generations to feel randomly estranged
    when we're supposed to be more than an address book of names,
    but the whole bloodline gets collateral calamity and strain,
    and this is my ode to how my moms handling the pain
    Granted we need change; I wish no bringer of life had to feel that stress,
    because even angels don't have a deal with death
    I do think, if you are going to go personal, you should go all the way, and not worry so much about making a nice neat story out of it, which sends confused messages. But I did enjoy.

    I'm gonna have to go with Iglos on this one, Pent had a great verse, and mixed it up well with the irony of the gods, but his take and detail IMO wasn't enough to overtake Iglos's highly entertaining story.
    test
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pent wins 6 - 1

    after deductions

    Pent wins 3 to -2
    test
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