[Week 4] [Contender] 3. InsaneVillian(2-1) vs 4. Lyricalpriest(2-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  3. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    if possible id like to post on saturday..
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  4. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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  5. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    ---------------------------------------
    Smiling Sunako the Princess of Peace
    Kneels carving the head of the beast
    outside Tsubaki Shrine "the Grand"
    The oldest Shinto Hall of worship in Japan
    Offering this sacrifice to the powerful Kami
    猿田毘古大神, 猿田彦大神
    Sarutahiko the Gaurdian of the Kojiki family
    Smiling with gratitude, so Rakshasha doesnt hold "Urami" 怨み (grudge)
    and become a powerful and evil kami who seeks aragami....... (revenge)
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]


    Two days PRIOR......

    Sunako meditating performing her kuji-in Chants hard
    "May all those who preside over warriors be my vanguard"
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Rin (臨), Pyō (兵), Tō (闘), Sha (者), Kai (皆), Jin (陣),
    Retsu (列), Zai (在), Zen (前)
    the 9 syllables of Kuji-in
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Invoking The Ancient goddess of Death: Shin Megami Tensei
    She follows the instruction bestowed by her benevolent Sensei.

    "In these days Sunako; our land has become corrupted by Oni-Magi
    planning to over-come the Human World with an Un-Holy Clan rise"


    "Master Kuzaya..... how much time do we have left before it's too late
    and our family and friends and country are enslaved by Darkness & hate?"


    Suddenly ....The Ground began to shake, and amidst of the wake
    Three Spirit's, Upon Horses, appeared from this Tremble-some Quake
    then a fourth one appeared Holding A Scythe, this one was pale
    Then the Black One spoke and said Famine will come Unbalanced in Scale

    [​IMG]

    " I am Master Kuzaya are you **Shinigami the Goddess of death?"

    then the pale riders face was illuminated as it shook its head "yes"

    by now Sunako was petrified the feeling intensified she began to cry
    master Kuzaya spoke with the Four spirit's then bid death good-bye

    "Master who were these Oni Magi? and what did they say??"

    "Sunako these four messengers symbolize death and decay....
    the Black of famine the pale horse was the Goddess of Death,
    the Red of war and the white horse was the god of Conquest..
    they bid me tithing to heed and warned me the plan of Rakshasha's
    we must stop him and restore our land to live righteous and prosperous"

    this would be a bloody crusade, it would be an ugly two days
    we have demons to slay and people to save no time to wait so make haste

    they gathered the Ancient Armour imbued by Sarutahiko
    the gaurdian of this world and all of it's people.
    armed with The magical Blade Of Life and the Shield of Immortality
    Sunako and Kuzaya left in the twilight to fight against the immoralities
    their first battle was against the bull&horse-headed gozu and mezu.
    this battle was as much spiritual as it was physically lethal
    They came upon a small village covered by a dark cloud
    they stood outside the village crumbled and burnt down
    when Mezu and Gozu appeared: As if out of no where...
    Sunako and Kuzaya press on into battle with no fear
    the two beast demons fell victim to the magical blades
    emancipating the people from the "evil spirit of a slave"

    they rejoiced with the town whose smiles were once frowns
    the village priest urged them to purge in the water near holy ground

    this is where they found Rakshasha the beast wearing his crown
    casting evil spells in the water and the ground all around

    Rakshasha see's them and say's Famine has already began to stretch.
    my conquest will not rest.... Until war causes all of you death!!!


    suddenly Master Kuzaya gave out a samurai battle cry
    Rakshasha said "if you destroy me then your soul will have to die"

    Kuzaya Draws his katana from his scabbard parry's and strikes
    with all of his might slicing the demons head off, dying on sight..

    Sunako watches as her master perishes alongside the Demon
    the dark cloud vanishes and a feeling a peace returns in her being

    she noticed Kuzaya was trying to tell her something before he left
    she leaned down to hear him whisper this poem before his last breath

    he said:


    MY life is drawing to a close,
    I cannot longer stay,
    A pleasant memory of thee
    I fain would take away;
    So visit me, I pray.

    As His soul slip's away.....night turns to day..
    Hero's life's are lost in battle but their memory remains...​
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  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    BOOM!!!

    Nose Dive

    Part 1


    im on a mission, an expedition to kill the opposition
    an exhibition on how i hate the man, death to politicians
    no propositions, i was paid to blast through the door
    an assassin that uses intestines to plaster the floor
    a true disaster in store. i was sent to kill a king
    in the philipinnes surrounded by big steel machines
    i feel the cling of the air, im flying to my destination
    and ill be proud when i kill this wrecker of nations
    without any hesitation, heres my analysis
    i need the money cuz my son is on dialysis
    now im flying over his palaces, aimed locked and loaded
    hand on the trigger, then the back of my plane exploded
    wings are corroded, fuck, my arms are thrashing
    teeth are gnashing, mind is dashing, life is flashing
    now im laughing, searching for a pair of boots
    eyes locked on my life saver, my trusty parachute
    ill continue pursuit, i jumped out into the night sky
    knowing i might die, last thing i see is my minds eye...

    Part 2

    covered in mud, laying in a family of maggots
    cant move, could probably get ambushed by faggots
    damn it! blood is gushing from my head over my eyes ans lips
    staring at the moons eclipse, my sanity slips
    this wasnt in the script!, but hell im still breathin'
    now im seethin for revenge, going off the deep end
    what a weekend! i get to my feet using a tree for balance
    with malice i plan to blow his palace from here to dallas
    it will be a challenge, im filled with visions of slight dread...
    but aint no stopping us now, like mcfadden and whitehead

    Part 3

    i got my hands on my rifle, i did my best rambo charade
    i surveyed the area, out comes a marching masquerade
    a parade?.. ha, this will be like selling crack to whitney
    give me a clear shot, and my son will have his kidney
    wait is this king a pigmy? ohhh fuck minds gone wild...
    how the fuck am i supposed to put a bullet in a child?
    he looked at me and smiled,... i thought of my kid
    i pointed the rifle, and took a shot at his ribs
    you got to be kidding me? i missed, his followers pissed,
    i black out, i feel my body thrown into an abyss

    Part 4

    in pain, in chains, i tried to escape in vain
    no bread or water, and i think im going insane
    blood stains tell the tale of the beating i took
    leaving this crook looking like a defeated rook
    but im no rook, im a vet, and im very upset
    the king walked in, his eyes held no threat
    i said, "why was i sent to kill you, your only a baby..."
    "maybe its my charm, but i need you to save me,
    take me out of this place, i just wanna be left alone...
    and for a reward, ill give you your weight in gold..."
    "SOLD!, but how the hell do i get you outta here?
    i fear your peers will notice the second u disappear"
    he shed a tear, " this king shit is really lame,
    i just wanna eat pb and j and play video games
    its a shame, i was once a boisterous kid...
    never wanting to grow up, like a toys r us kid...
    but my parents died, making me the ruler of this throne...
    im sooo alone, sir. will you please take me home?"


    a cyclone of images, diminishing my thoughts
    i said, " i could use another son, get these chains unlocked!"
    off this cinder block, the boy rushed into my arms...
    i kissed him on the head, told him id do no harm...
    he knew the way out, to my plane a broken wreck,...
    but i got it running,.. and then i broke his neck...

    Like taking Candy from a Baby....
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    LP - This was one of your better written story which is a big plus. I thought the story itself was a bit slow but i did like the fact that you put a little different spin. This showed me you were trying to be creative and i appreciated it. The narratives started off as a bit much but it gradually started to work with this piece. Overall a good piece of work here



    IV - The was a pretty impressive story. The rhymes were good and the imagery was really nice. I thought the story seemed to drag in the middle but overall a good, enjoyable story. The thing i would tell you to do is try not to overdue it in areas that will cause your story to become a chore to enjoy. Move it along and only focus on details critical to your story. Still...a nice story


    Overall this was a good read. The stories themselves were good but dragged in areas. Still when it came down to it. IV's story was a little bit more developed and entertaining


    V/ IV
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  8. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

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    Hmmmmm ok

    LP-Loved the direction u took ur story...maybe i'm a little biased because i'm a huge fan of the japanese culture but ur storyline was great. The imagery in ur verse made it like i could actually see the things happening and really drew me in. I liked how u differentiated between the people talking and used a different color for each one..it really kept the story flowing. Very nice work

    IV also a very nice piece. Put my mind in a rambo like movie state when i read it. In some places it seems like ur flow got a lil off with the story but the parts that stood out to me the most was the plot twist. They really grabbed my attention and had me wondering what was gonna happen next.

    in the end as hard of a decision it was to make but i got LP taking it here. This was a very close and very hard decision but i just enjoyed the read of LP's story more
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  9. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

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    Ok so.

    I got critiques.

    IV- the story was ok. The scheme was good. I think that there are certain places where you could have worded things better. At points, I feel that you sacrificed what you really wanted to convey to fit the scheme... And that would be the points where you could have used better words.. For instance: you used the phrase 'rambo charade'.. I thought you were Rambo... Youre not by any means mocking.. You're doing. I also like the cold hearted twist at the end.. But you should have came off more cold-hearted during the story. Instead you said 'how the f.. Bullet in a child'.. Easily.. With your gun.

    Lp- good concept. And with more bars.. The price would have been better. Maybe it's a personal preference. Dialogue between multiple entities hurts because you use up storytelling bar space. If you notice.. Soliloquy rhyme come off better than that in dialogue. It's more open ended. Also.. I'm assuming this is Japanese... You were rhyming Japanese with English and your Japanese pronunciation was off.. At least I think. I really can't critique on that. But if I'm right.. At points there was no rhyming.

    Good battle. Tough vote.

    But I'm going to have to go with LP on effort alone. He really tried with this and your efforts were good for a topic I've never seen done.
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  10. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  11. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Lyricalpriest

    First of all I just want to say how much I think you
    improve week in & week out, you keep going at the rate
    you do then you will be a mighty force here in the rstl.
    Now your verse, I can see how much research you put into
    this piece, even to the point where I feel I would of
    had to put some research in myself to understand it more.
    The flow read nice and smooth for the most part, altho
    some lines left me struggling to follow, for example

    Rin (臨), Pyō (兵), Tō (闘), Sha (者), Kai (皆), Jin (陣),
    Retsu (列), Zai (在), Zen (前) the 9 syllables of Kuji-in


    This was an example, I struggled to follow it a litte, altho
    that said it kinda added nice depth to your verse, but on the
    whole it did leave me a little hmmm. Other than that it was a
    nice read, quite a few words tho that I had no clue how to pronounce.

    armed with The magical Blade Of Life and the Shield of Immortality
    Sunako and Kuzaya left in the twilight to fight against the immoralities


    Nice.

    Iv

    Overall this was a nice solid drop, flow was on point,
    I have read many story of the same kinda plot, well the
    whole man on a mission topic, but you did a nice job with it.
    There were a couple of things that did kinda bug me, although
    nothing major, ill point them out here.

    without any hesitation, heres my analysis
    i need the money cuz my son is on dialysis


    well i dont know why, but after reading the 2nd line
    for some reason i was expecting maybe a little more
    about his son, it came across like it was thrown in there
    just to link up the first line.

    covered in mud, laying in a family of maggots
    cant move, could probably get ambushed by faggots


    kind of the same here, by the 'abushed by faggots' it
    did make me kinda laugh but i just thought it didnt need
    to be there.

    But anyway thats prob just me nit picking, because on the
    whole I cant find many faults and yea nice job.


    off this cinder block, the boy rushed into my arms...
    i kissed him on the head, told him id do no harm...
    he knew the way out, to my plane a broken wreck,...
    but i got it running,.. and then i broke his neck...


    Nice ending, sick but nice


    Right overall this was a tight match, but overall my vote
    is going to Iv, i found myself more drawn to his verse,
    maybe thats because i didnt really grasp the whole japan
    theme in Lp's verse found myself lost at times
    , so feel free to call me a thick cunt.
    But yea

    V - Iv
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Tied up at 2-2
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  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    short vote due to midterms

    LP - So the mechanics of this verse were really hit or miss. I liked the inner rhymes alot when they were there but the consistency was off. The end rhymes sometimes didnt rhyme - and thats kind've weird. All that aside the story wasn't anything spectacular for me. The narration stumbled due to forced wording and weird dialogue. It felt like you were transcribing a story u heard/read into rhyme.

    IV -- why would you refuse your weight in gold for roughly the cost of a dialysis treatment? your weight in gold is more $$. then you can ship him back..wtf? only thing that didnt really sit right with me in terms of story arc. Your rhyming is so weird to me..sometimes you do it straight story, and then you haphazardly change to inner monologue. I think your mechanics are deteriorating but besides that the story was alright - however, it feels like there are some plot holes...how'd he get hired as the assassin of a KING? How did he escape with the king? In a sense it seemed like you might've skipped some important details..in a sense it felt you hit the right ones..I'm kind of torn with this verse.

    overall - I feel LP came pretty nice here, but with the wording and weird, forced phrases he just lost something in translation (or lack thereof). Also, whats with all the japanese shit that's been popping up lately (in reference to CK doing something of the sort last week). IV came with an ok story, with ok mechanics and really all he had was a more rounded off piece, so with that he's going to get it because of better overall writing.

    IV
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  14. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    im making these quick.. pointing out what made my decisions

    without any hesitation, heres my analysis
    i need the money cuz my son is on dialysis
    ...
    covered in mud, laying in a family of maggots
    cant move, could probably get ambushed by faggots


    bars like this from IV took what could have been a hands down , no questions asked win into a hard one to decide..

    honestly, I'm giving this to LP cuz it had a lot of thought put into it.
    although some rhymes didn't fit or bothered me , they bothered me less then the ones I read in IV's. I think the verses were all in all equal in some aspects, but I could not detect anything in Lp's that didn't look thought out, immensely. this is really hard, but
    I have to give it to LP for the effort it must have taken to actually make that work like it did.
    note: I am currently into Japanese culture and history in my personal studies. It may have a big influence on how I am voting, but it spoke to me more.
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  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    LP - this verse definitely was a creative take on the topic. i cant knock you for what you did with it. but honestly, this verse was really boring to me. it may be because im really not into all of that japanese shit. it was a chore for me to get through. the thing i liked most about this verse was the rhymes. definitely was the highlight. the rest of it was pretty meh to me. sorry bro.

    IV - i agree with Pent that there were certain parts you skipped. but, the thing you did that set you way above LP, imo, was tell a story that kept me interested. even without these important details, i still felt i was way more into your verse. the ending also was a surprise, and i almost started to laugh at your closing line about breaking the king's neck.

    vote - IV
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  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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