[Week 4] 9. TeKneeK(1-1) vs 10. Defcon_5(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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  2. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

    Joined:
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    test
  3. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
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    rematch.... this time its personal

    wrote to this beat:

    [youtube]UBMJde4d-KA[/youtube]
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  4. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]


    Dear Father

    i don't have the nerve to tell u in person so i wrote u a letter
    just to tell that ur great and for u to know that i get ya
    u work, provide shelter, even bring in the food
    i love it, even if mom doesn't appreciate the things that u do
    ur not perfect i know this but u strive for the best
    u break ur back to keep our smile, that sets u aside from the rest
    ur my rock, my foundation, my knight in shining armor
    i will be ur shield against anything evil that tries to harm ya
    mom is weak she doesn't get that ur doing ur part
    that's why i never complained about what we do in the dark

    The way u touch and caress me makes me feel like a woman
    u tell u love me, i know it's more and that our feelings are something
    i love it, every hour, every minute, every second
    i hate when u leave my room cause it's only ur scent that i'm left with
    still it's enough to help me get through the night
    i want mom to go away every time i hear you two fight
    then it would just be us, alone we could make it happy
    i don't care about the fact that i'm your daughter and ur my daddy
    i haven't told anybody, but i'm hating this place
    cause if i said a word the police would probably take u away

    i can't live without you, and i don't know if u know it
    we are one in the same and when i'm grown i can show it
    at first it was weird i kept quiet out of my fears
    i heard all about pedophiles but i kept doubting for years
    but now it doesn't matter you've imprinted on me
    i don't know if u feel this way but right now i'm getting real lonely
    writing and listening hoping the door will open and close
    and when it does my heart will speed up with a bubbly glow
    that's kiddy right, i know it but what can i say
    mom will be drunk and sleep and u'll be wanting to play

    i can handle it now daddy, all that u have to give me
    no more crying, no more bleeding i'm a woman now simply
    so u don't have to hold back i'm urs to be used
    i get excited when the floor creaks from the force of ur shoes
    my breasts have gotten bigger, have u noticed them yet?
    i want u to see them then u can start licking all over my chest
    i want u to see me how i see me, i'm all that it seems
    i've grown up since we started, aren't i the one of ur dreams
    tell me i am daddy, tell me i'm all u ever needed
    and i promise you the love i give u will always be the sweetest

    I hope my words reach ur heart and u see what i'm saying
    my heart is opened up and ur loving is a thief in the making
    these cravings are getting stronger they sink in my skin
    i love what we do, u don't even have to threaten to kill me again
    ur perfect for me and i'm perfect for u, it's not a lie
    so please, just for me, when we're done don't apologize
    don't tell me ur sorry, don't tell me to forgive u
    it's not wrong anymore, trust me it's something i will live through
    so as u read this letter, i'll watch from the door
    to see that smile when u realize i'm everything u wanted and more!



    Sign: Your loving daughter, Your Future LOVE​
    test
  5. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

    Joined:
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    automatic extention....i refuse to win this match on a no show!
    test
  6. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
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    Nose Dive

    At the edge of the ledge, I stand & hold her picture
    Overdone, drunk the liquor, lost in thought, feelin sicker
    2 hours before.. in the night amongst the cold
    I did the murder with no conscience so I’m duckin the po’
    I took the 44 without thought but to bust and blow
    Emptied all the silver shells--my insanity showed
    I tried to sober up, while my face had a cut
    Escapin those who had seen it….I ran cold as fuck
    With the fear in my heart, I tucked my gat in my coat
    Ran to hide, felt my pockets… I was empty and broke
    Got my cell, dead signal… I ran to the sto’
    Took a bottle, robbed the clerk and was quick out the do’
    And for those who had witnessed, they yelled for the cops
    They was screamin, “There he is runnin down by the block!”
    I heard the yells from behind me, and fled away quick
    Breathing hard seeking rest from this murderous bid
    The last shell from my gun, ripped her spine as she fell
    Cheating on me many nights… so I left her and bailed
    My thoughts about her lovin me was all in slow motion
    Throughout this whole escape overwhelmed in emotion
    I found myself chargin thru into a building
    In the dark, lain across a broken table with no feelin…
    My body was numb from the adrenaline rushin
    I sat to catch a rest before the noise turned to nothin’
    Looked around… saw a staircase and made an ascent
    23 floors above the 1st with my energy spent….
    Mad exhausted… I reached at the top in the roof…
    Looked around… city silence but an unwelcome truth… truth… truth….




    At the ledge before my maker, I plead my innocence
    Held her picture, got my lighter and burned her inner sins
    Deprived to see the freedom of me living at peace…
    Shown the most of my love with my infinite deeds
    bringin intimate things while I gave 50 percent
    But her mind was mastered evilly….no sense to repent
    Good at first, then concerned… before she caused the commotion
    I felt the mental strain when she had me as her chosen
    Him or me… she would wonder.. then dispose of our bond
    Misery thru my mind forseen the love to be gone
    It overwhelms me.. a sad everlasting memory
    If my actions were unjust… I still feel no sympathy…
    The pain from it all could carry days into weeks
    Itll rot me slow to sleep… while I labor and breathe
    About a thousand feet above …while I stand at the edge
    The juice I should’ve had has gotten me close to the ledge………ledge… ledge…..



    Nose dive as I fall… suicide rights to call…
    My body weightless in the air… when I reflect to it all
    This is done for a reason which I cannot explain
    But my release to seek the peace in my fall is my gain….

    I feel so empty inside… this whole love was just a ride
    Criticized for no reason for me to be alive…
    She made the smoke lit… before the flames burned the whole shit
    Until my civilized demeanor had my whole dome split
    It had me spreaded out.. my clouded mind… I had to let it out
    Live or die… how I do it… I think what its about
    Was it love misunderstood or simply me and her beef
    Overcomed to be in danger while I fell half asleep…

    Nose dive…. I see the ground now approachin me fast…
    Should I defend my innocence or repent of my past
    Another score.. or another lost… this shit’s gone too long….
    Close my eyes… see the ground… now I brace for the song….




    (Darnell falls to his death 23 floors from the roof at the top of the Brooks building… a burnt up photo of a girl in his hand… and a rose found inside his coat pocket)

    The End.
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  7. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    hmmmm... this battle is close as i expected...

    Defcon came with the better rhyme scheme, but his story lacked... its kind of like, how many times can you say the same thing? once i knew it was his daughter speaking to the father, nothing else was really learned..

    i love it, every hour, every minute, every second
    i hate when u leave my room cause it's only ur scent that i'm left with

    i may have to steal this line and put it in a poem for a girl i wanna nail... lol... you did have witty lines, in your explanation... bjut it left me feelimng i want more...

    tekneek, after reading deffys drop i was really rooting for you, as i know you can tell a story well... you had good emotion, however not that much really happened... you robbed a store, you killed your girlfriend and now your mourning gewtting ready to kill yourself and you jump off the ledge... it became quite predictable, and i was lookingh for a twist, something that would pull me in it..

    If my actions were unjust… I still feel no sympathy…

    if you had no sympathy, you definantly wouldnt be trying to kill yourself.... and the last floating segment, writing your feelings while your dropping to the ground is cool... but in the long run, ther punk deserved to die, sooo i could garnish no feelings when the dude killed himself, and i didnt see any qualities in him i liked...

    vote defcon...

    weird battle to vote on, honestly, maybe cuz i was rooting for Tek after deffy told me he would merk me :p ... but defcon had the more solid overall verse, and had a witty approach to it, even though it was just a big fuckin circle... i think tek could have won if his story could have been more creative... tek had alot of action early, and then it turned into the guy whining for the second half of the verse, while defcons verse stayed consistant...
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  8. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
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    Holy shit @ IV's vote.. now what the fuck am i going to say??

    Tek..idk i think maybe you wanted to spit more multi's and see if you could sorta capitalize off that, but tbh, some of the bars coulda been utilized better and not to just push a rhyme scheme.. but idk.. dope flows none the less, story-wise it was absolutely understandable and easily read, but it didn't really keep me as captivated through out, it ended off on a whiny note and started with a real bravado that was fast paced and action packed

    Defcon.. idk bro, I'm not going to lie, mechanic wise your were solid but I had no interest in this topic, I really hated my self to have to push through it and read it.. i guess b/c i don't want to read about that sick shit, but as I did I noticed that the fluidity of your story the development the delivery kept a momentum and in the end it really is what made your verse the more powerfull..

    vote- defcon, i was rootin for ya tho tek...
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  9. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,154
    Vote- DefCon

    Please take my votes for what their worth btw. I didn't critique a damn thing in years and i'm trying.

    Tek- Well written. Well put together. But you just rehashed a very simple story... I didn't really take away anything new from it. I really didn't feel anything from it. Maybe because I'm not sappy? I can't fathom anyone killing themselves over a girl. Thats just... IDK... I don't know I'm not emo lol. The last time I saw you write... It was probably like 7 years ago. And I know its a small sample size (1)... but you were doing more with topics then. And I believe you can do the same now.

    Def Con. I liked your style. I hated your story. That shit made me sick to my stomach. It was about a young girl having relations with her dad. That shit is sick... but still you made me feel something lol. Thats why you get the vote. Don't ever make me read shit like that again lol. I'll shy away from voting in general. As for the technical part... Very good. Story was in order. Bars were well put together. Rhymes were all there. Like I said style was great. Story was puke-worthy.
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Defcon - :eek: is all i have to say to this. I actually liked the way you took this. You put a different spin on the pic that was pretty different from anyone else. The story moved along a good pace and it was graphic. It was a bit twisted but if you are going to go that route, you might as well do it right lol. Nicely done. I don't like when people use "ya" or "ur" in stories because it feels sloppy, unprofessional. still a good piece of writing


    Tek - You started off this story very well. The rhymes and flow were on point. However, i felt like things just felt like you could've gone a different direction with this. I get the gist of the story. Women cause a lot of guys to do the same kinda 'nose dive' but the way you described the scenes were a bit weird. things like 'mad exhausted' was just a little sloppy to me because for me, i don't really speak like that so it just seems a bit off to me. Still a good story.


    V/ Defcon just had the more 'wow' story this week. It was going to be hard to beat him this week story wise
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  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Def - i glanced at the pic quickly, but didnt really pay attention. at first i thought it was a boy standing the doorway which had me like :eek::scared:. not that my reaction was much better when i figured out it was his daughter. anyway, this shit was fucked lol. but it was well written, had some nice rhymes, cool imagery. but as IV said, it started to get repetitive in the middle. still, it was disturbing, which im sure you were going for, and as creepy as it makes me feel to say, it was pretty dope.

    Tek - i kinda felt the same as i did about Def's verse. it just seemed to kinda drag on and get, repetitive. it started off good and definitely caught my attention but didnt hold it very well. with Def's it was fuckin twisted which kept me interested, this one i started to zone off.

    vote- Def
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    defcon up 4 to -3
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  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    OMFG LOST MY VOTE

    votes are short due to midterms

    Defcon - Nice flip on the topic. the story itself didn't do anything (positive) for me. I dont really know why someone would write this..shock value is stupid, in my opinion; to each their own. I think that your weak point here is imagery, however, given the writers voice (which u did pretty well) there's room for bad imagery due to the nature of the character. Also, I'm going to say it again - proofread.

    Tekneek - As common with you, you had good imagery and a linear story. However, as also common with you, you had bad mechanics (sans imagery). The downfall of this story stems from your creativity. All you did was tell a story thats been done multiple times before. I think the emotions were alright but I really didnt feel involved in this persons "nose dive."

    Overall - Two linear stories, with good progression. I think, even though I liked tek's story more, Defcon had the better story outline, creativity (at least in terms of topic flipping), and characterization. Tek had better imagery, which is more important than either of the three. However the scales outweigh tek today

    Defcon
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  14. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    ok.. breathe.. vote correct..last one..taking my time.

    def -
    first saying, it's hard for me to distance myself from subject matter.. but I just did.. so:
    That was a brilliant spin on the picture itself. I mean, you really took it to the peak of what I've seen done before in the RSTL off a picture. excellent job overall, I cannot say a single part of it looked bad or didn't work in any way. the lack of intense rhyme was evened out by the intensity of what the words were actually saying.

    tek- damn tek... i see what all the hype is about. this is a bit of a cliche topic , but I still think you did a damn good job with it. one thing I have to commend you on in particular is the way you played with similar end sound to double up with the rhyme at the end.
    I've never really read too much of your stuff but that's going to change when my mind clears up. tbh, I think it looks like you started a little late and didn't get to go all out on this one. but the talent shows through any flaw i see in this piece, so I'm not going to pick apart a better verse then I could have done. You know better then I do what you could have done better. and im about of of time. but I'm very glad that your back on this RSTL biz.

    Vote- Def. simply, you took an unpredictable approach. I would have voted for tek because simply, it was punchier in places. but your topic, after distancing myself from it, was a very out of line , disgusting, look at something that .. well, sad to say it could be true to someone out there leading a sick fucked up life.. it made me sit and think, well, fuck, what do those girls do after they mature? i dont know. it just really fucked with my head as a story in all, and for that.. I give you the nod.
    note: the lack of rhyme substance almost changed my vote the other way.
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  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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