[Week 4] 7. the omega man(2-1) vs 8. breathless(1-2)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    55555 5 55 555 5 5555 55555 (An Ode to OCD)

    55555 5 55 555 5 5555 55555 (An Ode to OCD)


    I sit, dazed from reality when sanity turns
    to insanity emerging when havin' these tragedies occur.
    I'm actively absurd, so it happens we get magically blurred.
    Capacity is merged with the mastery of strategy in worth.
    Has it been matured, matched up on vanity with girth?

    I'm sick, plagued by obscurity, catastrophe, and Earth.
    Sadly, i'm sure that world is after me. The cure
    to it's sickness, so simple: that I don't see traveling come first.
    Grabbin' strings, unraveling the tattered threads of pants an' these shirts,
    maskin' each in worse death than actually planned to be with hurt.

    I quit, done with the purity, I'm fastening my birth
    to eternally sinning on the path of evil's bastardly terms.
    Fatherless to god, I commited blasphemy's curse,
    and now, forever on, I'm limited to mentality's search.
    For a track to be on, graspin' eons of future in the past'll seem curved.

    Blown off course, curb yer enthusiasm's resorts,
    but report to none that you'll resort to massacring the force
    that holds you down. No sounds in the passion we explore
    are so loud, we're drowning in the waves that're battering the dirt.
    Ravishing in serfs savagely attaching these attacks on freedom works.

    To grab on each person an' trap 'em by shackling thirst.
    To hunger in a dungeon, black as the caverns preserved.
    To never be seen in the light of day, fathoming searched.
    To come up solutionless, it's useless when answering stirs
    two impossibles into the truth i'm movin' through tracks ta see worth.

    I just happened to notice the whole planet seems to be actually perfect
    when i landed on a notion so accurate I mathematically observed it.
    There's a certain bit of magic in the majesty, but you have ta breach the surface
    to first reach the purpose of the matter, there's a battlefield of turbulence.
    The rattled teeth, the nervousness, what a massively fragile feel to work against.

    A captor, stuck in a trap set that you can't release when urgent.
    The factors were stacked up to the back end of a damaged ego's circuits.
    I'm amazed I've even managed ta last until this r@pid resurgence.
    In a blaze of frozen neurons with feverish, dampened perversions,
    I can laugh at the man I've became...but only 'cause I'm the half that disturbed it.
    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    I look into her eyes and as mountains they exist
    protruding high above the plains of her grimace and her hills of zits
    jagged and emotionless yet rounded and appropriate
    her heart beats down from the opiates
    she's shrouded and drowned in her own blood she soakin in
    a family in her home town once opened their doors and showed her in
    a mother with a stained grin and skin draped over her...bone thin
    "she's lost alot of weight, but who knows when?"
    thought the girl as the mother closed in
    and embraced her short torso where she many times had known men
    the mother said, "come in sweetheart" then gestured inside the home
    the girl was hesitant but the smell of catfish fried cologne
    lured her as the mudcat once was to end in the same place
    she sat and ate, and reminisced..."Mother's food had the same taste"
    she didn't say grace, nor did she make haste
    she savored every bite and didn't make waste
    her mother just watched and waited until she was done
    then slapped her in the face with the butt of her gun
    "What have you done with my son?!"


    [​IMG]
    test
  4. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    T.O.M. .. This was like having sex with some one that won't let you finish.. you had flairs here and there but then the end just felt rushed and sorta short changed. although rather interesting and

    "the girl was hesitant but the smell of catfish fried cologne"

    forcee...:nono: it felt like you forced this bar to for the sake of rhyme in which is the corrct thing to do, but hopefully you could have tried to make a different bar next time instead of wasting it for a forced rhyme..

    Breathless.. Man-o-man flow was perfect through out, multis were savage the story was great, you just went off on a big tangent.. well actually I don't see how it really linked up to an ode to OCD.. but man the multi's and the imagery was def!!! idk i can't get over it.. the structure was symetrical the wording was fluid nothing seemed forced, very engaging.

    vote-breatheless
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  5. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

    Joined:
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    Vote - Breathless

    Omega Man - It was way too simple because their wasn't too much. There was a story in there but it wasn't developed enough. It was like an 10 bar introuduction and an 10 bar conclusion. Your writing style is pretty good... Just not enough writing. For the sake of story-telling... There just wasn't enough story to consider voting. I'm sorry.

    Breathless- I'm not going to lie. You had your ups and downs. And I'm not saying the downs are in fact 'downs'. They just happen to be parts that I'm not sure of. But that happens to everyone and I know that best. But you got the vote because... after a few reads I got what you're getting at. You went the topical route... stayed on topic.... and had a good amt of interesting bars. And it goes without explaining... you had a more complete piece... You did have lots of 4 syllable rhymes... but I will say... don't sacrifice your thoughts for rhymes.. and at least I feel as though you did that at points... thats actually where I got lost... when you did that... 1st and 2nd verse... last couple verses were better...
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  6. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    10,099
    This is a hard one too vote on honestly

    breathless u had a lot of words and inner rhymes in ur piece but u weren't talking about anything. I know which topic u picked but you didn't hit it at all. It seems like u cared more about rhyming and inner multis than developing a story or focusing on the topic

    t.o.m u had a decent little piece but i couldn't get into it because it was way too short. I mean it goes from beginning to climax in the span of two lines and i really couldn't get into it. Wisj u would have developed th story more and actually gave some kind of history so we wouldn't get to the end and be like "ummm what son?"


    vote=breathless although he didn't hit the topic or really have a storyline his piece was still a better read
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
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    60,689
    Breath - I didn't like the rhyming mainly because you tried to keep it throughout the whole story. You added changes to it in random areas which really made it confusing for me. It felt unnatural to me. The story itself was confusing but the rhymes is what bothered me the most. Still a nice little piece.


    Omega - Where's the rest of it lol. I enjoyed what i could but there wasn't much else to it. You didn't really go into any depth and i think that may have been to your lack of time, which is cool. I had the same problem myself this week. anyways i wish you would have written more but i understand nonetheless


    V/ Breathless for having a completed "story", although confusing
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  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    Messages:
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    breathless verse disnt make sense but it rhymed really well and opmega man didnt put in much effort and through up a rushed verse...

    easy pick for me... i vote breathless

    on effort alone as it didnt look like omega man had the time to try this week...

    breathless came with a verse that was engaging to read but it didnt really make much sense... im sure you trying to show your ocd, but it was really vague and went all over the place... but i did like the flow, ... you have a good concept most of the time... you just gotta put it all together... your like one of those writers who just go off when you write but doesnt know how to make it come full circle...

    omega man, your writers voice is there but your piece was way too short and it ended abruptly... if you woulda put in a full effort this matchup would be much closer
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  9. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Breathless - hmm very intresting verse, the flow was
    spot on for the most part, just a couple of times it
    seemed kinda forced. I honestly didnt know what to think of
    it in terms of story,as it kinda seemed like a load of random
    statments all etched together and therefore i found myself
    a little lost at times, that been said tho, there were some nice
    lines in there.

    I just happened to notice the whole planet seems to be actually perfect
    when i landed on a notion so accurate I mathematically observed it.


    I liked this, didnt think there was any need for the word 'actually' tho.

    Omega - was also an intresting verse, you did kind of have
    somewhat of a story here altho it lacked depth, going by what ive seen
    you write in the past i can only guess you didnt have time and just threw
    this piece together.

    a family in her home town once opened their doors and showed her in
    a mother with a stained grin and skin draped over her...bone thin


    Prob my fav lines


    well there isnt acually much between these verses, but i have to go
    with overall with verse intrigued me most and that was breathless
    even tho i didnt really know what was going on, it kinda engaged me
    in a weird way.

    V - Breathless
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breathless up 2 to -3
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  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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