[Week 4] 11. J.Keeper(2-1) vs 12. ShadowWarriorfs(2-1) vs 13. Cereal_Killer(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    Beautiful Creation
    ..
    In a kingdom of Egyptian Pharaoh’s lays a sesh
    A humble son, sprung amongst the face of death
    Reminiscing on hieroglyphics cant change his steps
    But yet he assays and still prays to sway Bastet
    We are not all born equals in a judicial globe
    As jackals prowl to protect past epistles wrote
    A Sheut moves through the wildest thistles grown
    Out of a war cart disguised with its crystal glow
    For every joy there is a price to be paid
    To set something free your must survive its decay
    Then rely on the path you’ve paved in spite of its pain
    And know deep inside you will find out your way
    ..

    The moon swallows the sun between a slither of stars
    As I wallow through the marsh of the Nile Rivers grim grasp
    Every year it raids through in a clod of sleek consumption
    From where I’m left in a constant case of reconstruction
    I dare not travel, as I’m afraid of an improper burial
    Watching the sacrificed Ba charge in forgotten aerials
    I’m lost as the Sphinx emits a sad sense of sorts
    Looking upon the rich, dripping in pendants of quartz
    You see my daughters deformed, diagnosed as Polio
    Though I can’t afford the support for her soul to grow
    This scribe of street signs lies beside his beautiful creation
    Barely alive trying to survive and yes, my minds still racing
    Her neurons are destroyed with poor muscle tone from trauma
    Her words are short, coursed from the homeschooling I taught her
    Forced to seek a local medicine man and his hallucinogens
    Using a blue Lilly fused in fluid to sooth through her skin
    She contorts in the form of a wild serpent dancer
    But her chances for life are slim with no sun god for answers
    Praying to major powers is reserved for royalty and priests
    Toil and deceit, my plan will release her Ren for eternal peace
    All I need is a brush reed, some soot and a papyrus
    As I send for a riot in silence to supply the nights fires
    Violently her body fights but her iris leaks with blood tears
    Deflated but undefeated this scribe heads past strung fears
    The sundials set; the time is now as I wrap her in linen
    Men and women take arms with axes and mallets swinging
    A war ignites outside the pyramids but I crouch beneath it
    Hording my daughter, I transport her to the house of secrets
    Reaching the chamber, I lower her on a stonework slab
    Alone I pack the outside of her torso with soda ash
    As perfumes and death expose a subtle aroma clash
    I huddle up close to tack a bronze hook in her nose; I stab
    I never thought I would perform mummification until this night
    As the hook goes in
    I hear her sigh
    “Daddy I’m still A….”
    ..
    The End
    ..
    test
  4. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    ^Haha You'll get your win this week my friend.

    Was far too busy to put the necessary effort into a genuinely creative piece, so I just went with something personal. Sorry, I know you were expecting more of a challenge.

    Nose Dive


    Breathe, eat, sleep, relax,
    Find a way to dream in between the cracks,
    That way, I'll know where the peak is at,
    And whether I can rest, or repeat the past,
    Work, push, break, give in,
    I ain't gotta life, but I take it in,
    And I ain't runnin' marathons, or racing shit,
    But I still do my best to push the pace a bit,
    Gotta face it kid,
    My mind needs new erasers quick,
    So guide me to supplies for school,
    I'm trying to get by on youth, but age is swift,
    And it's razor thin, it cuts real easy,
    And breaks the skin, but I'm comfortable bleeding,
    It makes me drift, to the great abyss,
    But I'm fading quick, so how the fuck would I leave it,
    But I've got to try, I can't be a waster,
    I'm fought the skies, made a canvas of spaceships,
    I've shocked the lies, put a stop to mine,
    So much so that I could damage a facelift,
    No fakeness, unabated, I'm frame fit,
    Put me in the pictures, let 'em stain where the pain is,
    Don't hide your eyes from the cries of the past, it's (Time to Relax)
    Just chill,
    Darling, life is uphill,
    Maybe when we find the top we'll break these chains and all their locks and
    Just chill, just chill,
    Darling, life is uphill,
    Maybe when we find the top we'll break these chains and (Just relax)
    Let it slide, let it take for a ride,
    Let the mood pick you up, and show you everything that's right,
    With what's inside, that you'll find,
    It's a momentary high, it's a flowing levy holdin' steady, oceans very high,
    It's the tide, I know, it's the life I've known,
    It's the divets in the road, it's the flight I've flown,
    But I'm stranded in the cold, cuz I ride alone,
    Ain't got a single partner in the life I chose,

    Breathe, eat, sleep, relax,
    Find a way to dream in between the cracks,
    That way, I'll know where the peak is at,
    And whether I can rest, or repeat the past,
    So gimme a break, I could use a rest,
    It's almost automatic, how I'm used to stress,
    Yea, my mind is a wasteland, a proven wreck,
    But I'm trying to change that, remove the mess,
    Nothin' left, to do, but vent to you,
    Locked in a beat, it's my vestibule,
    I'm not trying to impress, but impress a view,
    Till I've said it all, and there's nothing left to do,

    No more will I sleep upon this floor,
    No more, I gotta even up the score...​
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    I'm sorry Pain, i have been working nonstop, I gotta key something for this





    Where are you mommy?


    [​IMG]


    My eyes opened to the suns bright light
    Stretching, yawning adjusting my eyesight
    Calling for mom wondering if she was awake
    As I left my room, I could hear a subtle whimper
    I walked quietly hoping things would get simpler
    I crept into Mom’s room, listening to dad read
    Not wanting to assume but I knew he needed to grieve
    With every sentence dad cried violently
    I began to feel weak but I walked in silently
    His face wrinkled and stained with dried tears
    I wrapped my arms around him, cheek to his ears
    Telling him that I loved him soft yet stern, he
    Grabbed the moist, crinkled piece of paper firmly
    As if he also feared losing that piece of her
    He had hoped for more time or at least a cure
    Sure, we both knew that god needed her heart
    Among his angels to help save us from the dark
    Walking with us despite the cripples in her spine
    She told us not to worry, that she “would be fine”
    And to “remember the memories we had”
    I tried to smile but kept wondering why it hurt so bad?
    I began to questioning whether heaven even existed
    Why would god take her when my prayers persisted?

    I ran into my room and jumped into my bed
    Heart full of despair, mind wanting to be dead
    Face pressed against my pillow, screaming
    Releasing my frustrations, tears now streaming
    Down my face, hoping god would hear me one last time

    "If you could find it in your heart to fix her spine
    and send her back to me, I'd love you forever
    I'll talk to you every day through tears on a letter
    I'll go to church and sit in the front row
    I'll help out around the house to show
    Her that she is loved by me and daddy
    If you cared about us and wanted me happy
    You would let her come back home
    Please....just let her come home...
    I love her, she means the world to me,
    Please God, give me back my mommy..."


    test
  6. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    Cereal Killer_ this story held depth, life, imagery, rhymescheme, historical content, and a view of an ancient sacrificial ceremony gone... bad.. haha really bad because at the end the twist is left to leave the mind wondering.. everything in here was almost perfect. just make sure to proof read it and fortify your weak area's and make it strong 100% there are area's were you could almost say it seemed force but for the most part it was a fluid read...

    J.Keeps_ Rushed, repetitive, and the connection wasn't strong enough, you chose nose dive as your topic and I doubt that you even believe that your story relates to the topic other then the fact the you dove nose first into this verse almost with no direction, but you tried to use repitition to keep it topical. but it wasn't on topic. and i dnt say this in harshness but it was a little on the generic side. breath eat sleep relax.. not a very prolific use of imagery. plus you had spelling errors and grammatical errors.

    Shaddow_Nothing about this verse was unique i know you touched base on what was wrong with mother, but it was delivered in an area that I forgot on top of the rest of the whining of the father and the daughter pleading to god to "give me back my mommy" i must admit that in a slight subtle way the story drew on my emotion, but the lack of genuine emotion and the play on cliche reaction sorta left for a bland re-run of a person pleading with god making a bargain that if he answers the prayer you'll follow his commandment. i wish there was closure to this story b/c it was left un-ended which i know was your purpose but it just seemed like a easy way to finish.

    vote-CK for more in depth development and ingenuity..
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  7. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Wow im a little shocked to see how much this is getting slept on,
    guess no one likes reading 3 verses lol, anyway down to business

    Ck

    Very nice, the imagrey stood out to me like whoa, flowed nicely
    and overall I very much enjoyed it. There wasnt really anything
    that i disliked, just a overall nice read
    here is a few standouts to me


    The moon swallows the sun between a slither of stars

    Beautiful, loved it, perfect imagery and really set the tone

    I’m lost as the Sphinx emits a sad sense of sorts
    Looking upon the rich, dripping in pendants of quartz


    Very nice


    J.Keeper

    this was a very different type of verse, there was quite
    a lot of emotion and it kinda came across as one of them
    dark depressing kind of verses (that isnt intended as a bad thing)
    It did kind of get a little mundane in parts because i felt
    some of the lines were really the same thing altho worded different.
    Ive seen you write better but saying that you did say you didnt
    put as much effort into it.


    And I ain't runnin' marathons, or racing shit,
    But I still do my best to push the pace a bit


    I liked



    Shadow

    In terms of structure, yea wasnt too much wrong here, the flow
    was kinda off once or twice, mainly the 3rd line in, it didnt
    fit in. One thing that did confuse me is the 'Mom' from reading
    the verse yea i take it she is dead but this line kind of confused me

    If you could find it in your heart to fix her spine

    the reason been, id assume in the heartache that the person
    was feeling, would it really be important for her spine to be
    fixed? and the reason for this was this line as well

    Walking with us despite the cripples in her spine

    It just confused me because im guessing by this line that
    her spine was damaged but the narrater was still content with
    his 'Mom' still been with them.
    Anyway maybe that was just me, anyways yea nice job overall.

    With every sentence dad cried violently
    I began to feel weak but I walked in silently


    I enjoyed these lines, gave it that eerie creeping about feeling
    and added tension.


    Right overall my vote is going to Ck, his vivid imagery and
    overall verse took this in my view, nice job guys


    V - Ck
    test
  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    hmmm..

    ck brought the complete package.. an in depth story with a dope twist and great vocsb... a very original topic, and i was really drawn into the story... i really dont have anything negative to say about the piece except at one point i wanted more action... lol.. very good drop

    j keeper, i really enjoyed your flow, top notch, but i really couldnt get engaged with the content.. i dunno if its cuz i just read cks verse... but it didnt touch me like his verse did...

    shadow,... the best ive evewr seen from you... i can relate to this topic cuz i lost my mother at a young age and it makes sense it is simplistic cuz its from the mind of a 12 year old... fuck i really wanted to vote for you,

    but vote ck

    his overall presentation was just too much to handle for both emcees this week, and the twist at the end for ck put him over the top
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    I feel like i could've won if it wasn't for that meddling CK :p


    Tied up 0 to 0 to -3
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  10. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    grr@being forced to vote on a 3way
    breakdown is short due to midterms

    CK - I can appreciate the direction in which you took it. Disregarding the fact that I feel the topic/story was boring - what you did with it, on a technical level, is dope. The story arc was pretty accurate and the mechanics were solid - I notice that you tend to start out with really strong rhyme/wording mechanics and after the introductory stanza you focus a lot more on imagery and in a way thats noble. Decent drop but boring TBH.

    JKeep - very catchy rhythm to this...I can hear a drumline to this haha. I liked it..alot in a way. The second part..err the bridge..err..i dont know what to call it but the uphill/(just relax) segment felt a little detached from the beginning in some sense. I feel the biggest issue with your pieces (personal pieces) is that you get tangetal with the metaphors. When you bring in a metaphor (razor thin/comfortable bleeding) you should continue with that theme (self abuse/mutilation etc), instead of change it like you did (spaceships etc). If you could tighten up the figurative language and cohesiveness of your themes it would be a world of difference.

    Shad -this was a very basic verse, but in its raw basicness I saw some outstanding emotion glimmer. I think had you had a good amount of time to actually develop this you could've made this a REALLY close three-way. no homo. With that said I do want to point out that I think there is a lot of merit behind that "god needs her heart" line. It's a really cool idea that couldve been expanded on and could've been really powerful. Dug that a lot.

    Overall - I think this battle is really between JK and CK...that sounds weird. Anyways, I feel that CK, while having a better technical verse, was boring. His verse had a great concept and a notable amount of effort behind it. Keeps had more emotion and more reader engagement (for me) but a simple concept. In the end you guys are about dead even (to me) and I can't really decide. When situations come up like this all i can say is I enjoyed and took something away from one verse, and in this case its

    J Keeps
    with a close second being Cereal killer and Shadow coming in third
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  11. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    i'm sorry guys i'm still not doing very good and i'm barely making time here so i'm just going to say

    CK took it.. although all veres were very good in their own light, the way CK writes truly turned for the better this week into an easier to read story that took you through the the journey with him and really , really made an impact on me. imagery off the top.. just out of this world. CK for sure.

    sorry I don't have time to vote on all the way I would guys I don't feel well at all but I am voting how I would have just can't explain everyones in time limit one more to vote on.
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  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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