[Week 37] [Championship] C. Memento(6-0) vs 2. Redeemed(3-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Dec 13, 2009.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest



    WEEK 37



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
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  2. Blitz_krieg

    Blitz_krieg SAY WHA.........

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2008
    Messages:
    1,596
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  3. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    38,468
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  4. Redeemed

    Redeemed MY PRESIDENT IS 1/2 BLACK

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2009
    Messages:
    107
    The spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines.-Plato

    Ive seen the beauty that lies beneath
    and the women who get face lifts
    Ive seen demonic spirits, lonely ghost
    And alien spaceships
    Ive seen the makeshift splffs that’s been laced with
    The blue pill developed in the matrix
    Ive seen actors take six sniffs…
    Out the straw that broke the camels back
    Rambling jack flew off the handle
    and melted like candles wax
    Ive heard forked-tongues dismantle facts
    With lies and blasphemy
    Mountains subside; when worlds collide
    Causing cosmic catastrophe
    Ive seen the Butch Cassidy’s
    And the Sundance kids
    Rapidly wrap the world with wrath
    Denying its chance to live
    Ive witnessed advanced science
    Realign spinal cords
    And dislocated figures enhanced
    To their primal form
    Ive swam a million miles
    With shattered shoulders
    And crawled up a mountain
    While pushin a boulder
    Ive seen a lot, nothing can surpass the divine
    I close both eyes; my lashes intertwine
    and hear The Invincible Principal
    Speaks since into a fool
    Clean your soul in the River of Life
    Or continue to rinse in ya pool?
    Grow old, or take sip from My fountain of youth?
    You’ve seen proof of my power
    Why do you still doubt my Truth?
    In the hour you went aloof and wondered
    In the wrong direction
    I brought you back from your blunders..
    With my resurrection
    Before I formed you in the womb
    I knew the number of hairs on ya head
    I created you for perfection
    Not to slumber with the dead.
    I have plans to help, not to hurt you
    I’ll never desert you..
    Be patient and wait.. its never to late
    You’ve out grown your curfew.
    Virtues and vitality
    Come from Me and Me alone
    So set your sin to the side
    And come boldly to the throne.
    Ask and you shall receive
    Knock and it shall be opened
    I am you eternal king
    Thus The Lord has Spoken”


    “Lord, who am I to exchange pleasantries
    With The King?
    IM nothing but a peasant
    But in your presence im free
    You taught me life lessons..
    On destiny and perseverance
    Your joy is invaluable…
    The worlds is on clearance
    From an early age ive carried a surly weight
    But your essence is key
    That’s how I see past the pearly gates
    I used to have my hope swell
    From successful dope sells
    Now im in the grips of grace
    Holding on to your coat tails
    So since I got a hold im a keep a hold
    Cause ive been told
    Roads of righteousness lead to streets of gold
    Im no longer a sleeping soul
    Unstabled by harm.
    Instead….Im a child of God
    Cradled in Your arms
    covered by the Blood
    Im where ever human heart yearns to be
    Permanently placed
    In the shadows of eternity​
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  5. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    38,468
    Just another page... in my black book
    [​IMG]

    (Me and Charlie)

    It was “…always a smash!” said Charlie from class
    He had an eye for danger, never far from a blast
    Homemade bombs and firecrack'ers
    Any destructive devices his mind could fathom
    If it blew up… you would likely cry in laughter
    At Charlie’s expressions of designed disaster
    It was an art which no one could take from him
    He was king of the field, no one was ace but him
    Between me and him, we held a grave mistrust
    A mischievous bellow often sprang from his gut
    Always looking to damage a lot of stuff,
    He manufactured a lot of fluff…
    Clouds of smoke he found his soul shrouded by
    He hoped to spread confusion around the globe
    I watched the finest fabric as it burned, burned, burned…
    I saw ashes swarm with the wind as it breezed
    Frequent melees between conflicting creeds
    My system to be… coy… but his was to destroy
    Leaving a leak of oils steaming underneath coils
    But Charlie taught me how I could live fearlessly
    I surveyed his perilously planned manner warily,
    In fairness… he was never one afraid of perishing
    He carelessly instructed me to flaunt tastelessly
    Hastily, such a disgraceful way they buried him
    Get it done with, don’t bother to say anything
    I remember the day that everything went to Hell,
    The day the devil cast a spell; a stemming smell
    But Charlie taught me well, I bought his words
    When he said that nothing could ever be worse
    Than the sight of a body burnt inside a hearse,
    The casket open showing a fine fabric of clothing
    But a face as black as the dust, just a sadist’s lust
    I waded through the mush of a small marsh,
    Until I made it to the field we called ‘the park’
    Dug for Charlie’s heart, a pulsating clock alarmed
    Twenty minutes later its hands cocked its arms
    I unrolled a sling, where Charlie had clothespins
    Hung the clock on the line, grabbed more bits
    Charlie’s obituary sucked, it wasn’t roguish
    Charlie would have wanted something more sick
    Tick… tick… tick… tick…. BOOM!
    The clock exploded into flames and it eroded
    I sat there morbid, it burned and did not salvage,
    The picture of me and Charlie, it was so nostalgic
    And watching it deteriorate into nothingness,
    I wondered if anyone would give a fucking shit
    As the flames grew in size and ate up the line
    And my mother was forced to pay a fine…
    And she brought me to a new place to talk at
    But Mr. Ramsey was a person I would gawk at
    I went there every couple of weeks for medicines
    To help me catch a grin, and he’d end sessions
    By flipping pages in that little black book of his
    He told me I would never get to have a look at it
    But I knew Charlie saw what it was that’s written
    His ashy face crammed inside Mr. Ramsey’s eyes
    The king his majesty had become so clandestine
    He handed me a note, he wants to see Ramsey bleed
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  6. D Boone

    D Boone Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2006
    Messages:
    3,961

    that was dope as hell
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  7. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    8,857
    Hmm. Pretty good battle.

    But I'm going to have to go with Redeemed and here's why:

    Redeemed, I really enjoyed the progression and story developed that your story had. You started off strong, mellowed out, but ended up ending as strong as you began. I thought your verse in the red font color was the weakest, but it didn't take away your piece. I was also impressed with your mechanics and word usage. Yea, you might be someone familiar. Either way, just a very good piece.

    Ive seen the beauty that lies beneath
    and the women who get face lifts
    Ive seen demonic spirits, lonely ghost
    And alien spaceships
    Ive seen the makeshift splffs that’s been laced with
    The blue pill developed in the matrix
    Ive seen actors take six sniffs…
    Out the straw that broke the camels back
    Rambling jack flew off the handle
    and melted like candles wax
    Ive heard forked-tongues dismantle facts
    With lies and blasphemy
    Mountains subside; when worlds collide
    Causing cosmic catastrophe

    ^Just great wording, great flow, good substance. What you portrayed I was able to imagine without difficulty. Good verse.

    Memento, this was a cool verse, but what lacked in your verse had to do with the mechanics. And I'm huge on the mechanics. Some of your transitions began/ended abruptly with a new rhyme scheme or you just completely ignored the one you previously had. For example:

    But Charlie taught me how I could live fearlessly
    I surveyed his perilously planned manner warily,
    In fairness… he was never one afraid of perishing
    He carelessly instructed me to flaunt tastelessly
    Hastily, such a disgraceful way they buried him
    Get it done with, don’t bother to say anything

    Some of these words when pronounced out loud do not rhyme at all. Also, within these lines you used some inner rhyming with one line and then completely left the other lines one syllabic. I had to stop to regain the flow and I don't think you should ever have to do that when reading a piece because it should be edited and re-edited until you feel it's "perfection" to say the least. You went from flowing to not flowing at all:

    But I knew Charlie saw what it was that’s written
    His ashy face crammed inside Mr. Ramsey’s eyes
    The king his majesty had become so clandestine
    He handed me a note, he wants to see Ramsey bleed

    ^ This, for example, nevertheless the story was pretty entertaining to say the least. I wanted to keep reading about Charlie. I just felt that the lack of discipline in terms of writing effected the meaning your piece was intended to have. Making Redeemed the clear winner.
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  8. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    ok so my internet crashed while i typed up the original vote so im posting off my phone while its fresh now.

    redeemed - you started off extremely strong. 7/8 of the section before the red one was dope wordplay or ideas. dope substance. i felt the life of the piece really died ( no pun) in the red part and kind of came bck in the third stanza but it never plateud like in the first one. the problem i find with pieces like these is they sound too preachy. one character always sounds too wea for his own good and one too strong. the contrasts aretoo much if you will.

    memento - i think you could make a good short story writer. i feel this medium restricts your fullthought process. which is this pieces biggest downfall- certain element came from what seemed like nowhere. like at the end i was like who was ramsey, what meds, etc. i mean its all stuff i ca figure out but it isnt written in there so it doesnt have much meaning to me, if that makes sense. also your mechanics were, for lack of a better term, topsy turvy. however after all was said and done i still liked the piece - pretty creative and it had some cool ideas in it.


    overall this ones a nailbiter. i have knocks with both but in the end the opener to REDEEMEDs verse stands out to me too much. good battle
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Redeemed - Nicely done here.. it was nice to see you improve as much as you have over the past couple of week. I thought the flow was this piece was great and i loved the concept of this piece. The imagery here was nice and the spelling/grammar and wording issue you had in the past seem to have gotten better. Nicely done

    fave lines -
    "IM nothing but a peasant
    But in your presence im free
    You taught me life lessons..
    On destiny and perseverance "

    Memento - Good verse here and equally enjoyable story. I thought the development of your story was very good. Like everyone else said, something didn't seem to rhyme, like you forgot you wrote the previous line or something. This confused me because you usually are soo consistent with these kinds of things. Overall, still a good verse.

    fave line -
    "I saw ashes swarm with the wind as it breezed
    Frequent melees between conflicting creeds
    My system to be… coy… but his was to destroy
    Leaving a leak of oils steaming underneath coils"

    This was a nice battle and i enjoyed reading it. My vote goes to Redeemed, he just had the better overall verse and memento didn't seem to come fully with his verse this week. Good work guys

    Vote Redeemed
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  10. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    251
    Redeemed.. The narration was nice and im liking the content.. The flow was solid at first, but it kinda fell off half way through and then the format of the flow changed a bit which through me off, but the content kept me in it... the format of narrating like a verse of the bible was cool too... solid verse

    Memento.... interesting start.. The character development in the 3rd person was ok.. Flow was kinda all over the place after the first few lnes... but it was still pretty easy to follow... the transition of going from character breakdown to tragic end wasn't smooth really... just kinda leaped from the life of an ordinary guy to fires... still was cool tho...

    Vote Redeemed
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  11. WarMachine

    WarMachine The Legend.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    71
    Vote/Redeemed. I don't want to go into to much detail on my vote considering half the league has said pretty much everything I was going to say but i'll throw abit together, Memento your piece was good, decent storyline, good emotion around it with some solid imagery in places, other areas seemed slightly basic in comparison to Red's but overall a decent piece, Red your piece was more complete it had a wicked storyline and solid emotion from start to finish, you started it well and built it up throughout to finish it off nicely, it was a good storyline. Thanks for the read.
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  12. Main Stream

    Main Stream The Conversensationalist

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2003
    Messages:
    184
    Redeemed – I wasn’t actually over keen on your opening, it’s more a style preference thing, and personally I found it to be too stream-of-consciousnessesque for my liking. The varying images seemed abstract and you tended to bounce from one idea to another without really developing on the previous one. Yes, the imagery was there, and arguably the better of the two pieces, but outside of that the development didn’t really work for me. Certain things weren’t gelling, the lines seemed pieced together rather than working as a whole, and it gave the piece a disjointed feel as I read it. Again, maybe it’s just a style preference thing, but I did find this piece hard to get into.

    Memento – I don’t think you’re given the credit you deserve around here, even as champ. Your flow is arguably one of the most fluent in the league, your actual rhyme placement is spot-on but it seems many overlook this in your pieces. Possibly because the likes of Shadow, Xiej etc don’t use multiple syllable rhymes, or don’t use them as well as you do, do they don’t fully appreciate what it is you’re doing. I think you make it look so easy that this goes underappreciated around here. Your piece may not have had all the imagery of Redeemeds, but it had the measure of him in so far as your mechanics, your flow, your wording, your rhyme placement, your syntax, your meter etc. I actually liked the half-rhyme segment Nique highlighted that she didn’t, which again proves my point on style preference. I think Memento got this one, sorry guys… Vote - Memento
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  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689
    Redeemed wins 5-1

    after deductions for non votes

    Redeemed wins 3 to -2
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