[Week 31] [Championship] C. T.a.C(7-4) vs 2. .:Pain:.(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Nov 1, 2009.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest



    WEEK 31



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
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  2. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    damn, jus cant get enough of you this week
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  3. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,368
    The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword...

    At eighteen, he had achieved all of his dreams,
    Followed the schemes laid by Oliver's sheep,
    Orphans with a mind to lay it on the line through
    every kind of bullshit, that life can supplies you,
    He tried to fly through the cries, his mind moved,
    Onto to vengence, true, the visions of crime grew,
    And within a time, dude knew it was time to choose,
    Between life or a vibrant view,
    Now this guy's in blue, disguised as a hybrid fool,
    A cross between lies and pride unglued,
    So he cruises with a carload of thugs for minute,
    Wonderin' if it is the last time his blood is within him,
    He's just player in a game, a pawn to a king,
    His cause is long-gone, he swallowed the sting,
    And there's another player rollin' right up beside 'em,
    Uniform red and black, throwin' liners with side arms,
    Another mind gone, a sigh, yawn,
    Cuz although the young die strong, they die dumb, a life lost,
    All for being corrupted by pride,
    It should come as no surprise that a gun took his life,
    Slumped in the car, blood from his heart,
    Leaking everywhere, holes plugged by the scars,
    Another nameless story, another dateless day,
    In the life on the road most know as gangsta way...

    ...He was never nothin' other than intelligently gifted,
    Magnificent with written scripts of telling 'bout what's in him,
    True expression, lessons were taught based on his poems,
    A guy everyone liked, but hated and loathed,
    He always had it easy, had money to spend,
    Had friends that would always have some money to lend,
    Never has he said, fate was funny, perplexed,
    Because of the ironies found when fucking distressed,
    Instead, he had a safe life, and found fun in a pen,
    And he wrote theme-less stories about nothing at best,
    But he made a lot of envy with emptiness to blame,
    The emptiness in his writing that the senseless have praised,
    And since he never once threw a punch or a kick,
    He was quite conspicuous to get snuffed for his shit,
    And one night, a thug and his click, we're walkin' out of a club
    with a pissed state of mind runnin' their lips,
    They spotted the man walkin' home by himself,
    They followed him to a place where no one could help,
    They attacked him, jumped on his face, and stabbed him in the back,
    He was an easy target marchin' the back-way to this, in fact,
    Simply walkin' back home, after signing a contract,
    To write three novels; beyond that, he'll call back,
    If he only had a spine, and walked with some weight,
    That poor son of a bitch would be walkin' today,
    Instead you can visit 'em, just walk through the gate,
    Third stone on the left, another pawn in the game...

    ...They say the pen's mightier than the sword, and I don't see it,
    Cuz men use rifles at war, and you can't read it,
    There ain't no book that can stop a bullet from hittin' you,
    There ain't no pen that can kill a person like pistols do,
    But if you wanna live the longest, at least stay on their minds,
    Then the pen is your friend, cuz even after you die,
    You will live on through songs, poems, novels, and quotes,
    If you died by the gun too, then they'll probably take note,
    I give both their due, they have no problem sharing souls,
    The pen's mightier than the sword, but I carry both....​
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  4. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    Narrator = Shadow

    Followed my passion, thought I had got my dream job
    Quit at the laundro-mat, no longer had to sling cloths
    No more dealing with people, no longer having a mean boss
    Still dealing with assholes, but not what you think, dawg
    I need to come across some currency, quick its an emergency
    Always had a big dick, chicks constantly saying ‘you’re hurtin me’
    Worrying with a sense of urgency, signed the papers hurriedly
    Getting paid to have sex, definitely is what was luring me
    Burning pee wasn’t deterring, see, I reached financial woes
    Fell pretty deep into debt with some substantial foes
    Plus I had to tap those hoes, that look like Axl Rose
    Who looked like Kim Kardash yo after those packs of coke
    At the meeting, they were on some ‘sign the line’ shit
    And yeah, I was excited so I didn’t catch the fine print
    So I show up for the filming, enter the movie studio
    See this cutie hoe, I approach and ask how shes doing, yo
    She looked at me and said “You’ll be doing me, Rubio”
    I said, “My names Shadow” “Oh, you’ll be booming Julio”
    “What?!, Peace, I need to find this bastard director”
    Approached him and sat him down like his master to lecture
    “I’m fuckin Julio?” He said “No, your actor Hector”
    “I want that fine bitch I’d rather have to sex her?”
    I’m straight like a vector, I have to confess a bereavement
    He said “You signed the contract, we possess an agreement
    Now stop bitching and get up and finesse his behemoth
    This is big money, do you really have intent to leave it?”
    I’ll spare the details for all you straight guys
    But today I became gay in the late night
    He was close, we laid tight, while I prayed I’m
    forgivin, I had a look on my face like…

    [​IMG]

    Walkin around pissed, just like a gloomy fuck
    Director said It wouldn’t be seen, that my movie sucked
    Got my paycheck, it came out to a nice stack
    Stopped at the store to buy my ass an ice pack
    Thinking “I just sucked a dick, shit I’m queer”
    The fact I enjoyed it when he licked my ear
    He pricked my rear, I enjoyed this right here
    The fact I didn’t hate it is the cause of this, my fear
    I got major stoned, surprised I made it home
    Had some Chinese food left over, which I ate alone
    I had a fortune cookie, grabbed it and cracked it
    That’s when I saw the message left in that bitch…

    [​IMG]
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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Tac - this starts out grammatically retarded...followed my passion is not a fragment that works to open a piece. From my knowledge you only speak English, if it's the only language you speak, stop butchering it...Your language really stumbles all the way through...and then I just had to stop at the word bereavement. Here's the big issue I have with you and other writers in the league...your language doesn't stay consistent. If you're going to have a "ghetto slang" piece...keep it ghetto slang, unless you switch the character and there's a clash going on. Otherwise it just makes your piece even more forced and unintelligible. It was really just a failed approach at being funny with brutally sloppy mechanics. You took about 3 steps back as a writer this week.

    Pain - supply you, not supplies you...you effed up the tenses there homie...for [a] minute...proof read bruh...c'mon now...[a] player...and then this picked up pace...killer flow...cool little story of each character...the ending though, top notch...you could have prolly just posted those 10 lines and won.

    vote = Pain.
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  6. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,368
    ^Lol yea, guess I can't comment on other people's grammar this week. I gotta start posting my verse the day after I write it, that way I can effectively proofread. I swore I got rid of all the mistakes, but I'm a lazy bastard...
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pain - Nicely written verse from you. I thought the flow was very good and consistent. The rhymes were good and the story was nicely delivered with good imagery. Besides a few spelling/grammar issues(Supplies/Supply). This verse was very good. I thought that the story could have gone in a different direction towards the end but still a solid performance

    fave line -
    "Orphans with a mind to lay it on the line through
    every kind of bullshit, that life can supplies you,
    He tried to fly through the cries, his mind moved,
    Onto to vengence, true, the visions of crime grew,"


    T.a.C - I found this piece ironic coming from you. Still, i thought this piece had great potential to be a lot better. However, some things threw me off like crazy. the random slang in the narrator's speech doesn't make much sense if the whole verse isn't written in a slang. Also, I think this verse would have been better if you made your character's homosexuality subtle instead of trying to drill the gay concept into the reader's head. This would've had a stronger impact(no homo), imo. I'm surprised you were able to talk so freely about your life and it was cute replacing your name with mine, i lol'd

    fave line-
    "I need to come across some currency, quick its an emergency
    Always had a big dick, chicks constantly saying ‘you’re hurtin me’
    Worrying with a sense of urgency, signed the papers hurriedly
    Getting paid to have sex, definitely is what was luring me"

    Overall Pain raped t.a.c.(homo), t.a.c tried to hard(giggaty) imo, to be funny instead of being more creative, like he usually is, he failed worse then that time piff tried to prove he was a sports genius

    Vote Pain
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  8. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    38,468
    Pain - "...They say the pen's mightier than the sword, and I don't see it,
    Cuz men use rifles at war, and you can't read it,"

    It's hard for me to get behind the way you wrote that bit. I know the underlying intention of what you were getting across and I think it was worthy to put into the story somehow. I don't think it was the strongest way to do it. The two lines on their own are kinda crafted to confuse... and then a few lines down you seem contradict the thesis as well.

    "But if you wanna live the longest, at least stay on their minds,
    Then the pen is your friend, cuz even after you die,
    You will live on through songs, poems, novels, and quotes,"

    I'm not against using contradiction as a device in your story... it's more just the original two lines I posted - the point could have been made more effectively - but I think the contradiction just added to the trap I fell in here. Still better than my shit. LOL

    Otherwise I don't have any major complaints about your verse. It had its bright moments, and even though I had some feelings about the end I still think it made a good summary and was a smooth read through. I felt like it was an area of writing where you could have built the whole story part around although I don't know if that's what you did first or not. I'd like to give more positive feed but this is getting long so.... next time.


    T.a.C - “Oh, you’ll be booming Julio”


    Vote - Pain


    T.a.C - "I’ll spare the details for all you straight guys
    But today I became gay in the late night
    He was close, we laid tight, while I prayed I’m
    forgivin, I had a look on my face like…"

    From there down was a lot easier to read and flowed a lot better.

    Except all that talk about sparing the details went out the window at

    "Stopped at the store to buy my ass an ice pack
    Thinking “I just sucked a dick, shit I’m queer”
    The fact I enjoyed it when he licked my ear
    He pricked my rear, I enjoyed this right here"

    ... unless you were subliminally telling us all that we're gay thus why you didn't spare any of us the details.

    Humorous stuff though.

    Vote - Pain
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  9. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

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  10. Urizen

    Urizen I hate humans

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2004
    Messages:
    6,700
    Vote - Pain

    Pain - This was a nice piece, I liked how it went and how it read
    the way you depicted the story was just nice
    I dont even really know what to say other than nice piece
    everything was just on point besides that little grammer error
    and the ending was nice as well

    TAC - This piece got a smile out of me
    the way you used the pictures was just funny of nothing else
    but I cant believe the dude was straight
    and then he just ACCEPTED to take the dick
    that was my major issue with it but all in all it was a nice piece tho

    I just felt that pain gave me a more enjoyable piece
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  11. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    Plus I had to tap those hoes, that look like Axl Rose[​IMG]
    could have used something more in here

    Walkin around pissed, just like a gloomy fuck
    Director said It wouldn’t be seen, that my movie sucked
    *now if "I" could key at this skill level, u obviously need to step it up
    not that it wasnt funny lol.

    this sounds like another submissive fantasy *rolls eyes

    Pain you warmed up as the verse went on. You absolutely killed it at the end.

    A cross between lies and pride unglued,
    So he cruises with a carload of thugs for minute,
    Wonderin' if it is the last time his blood is within him,
    He's just player in a game, a pawn to a king,
    His cause is long-gone, he swallowed the sting,
    And there's another player rollin' right up beside 'em,
    Uniform red and black, throwin' liners with side arms,
    Another mind gone, a sigh, yawn,
    Cuz although the young die strong, they die dumb, a life lost,
    All for being corrupted by pride,
    ** I felt this section needed some work, the rhyme wasnt as choppy as the thoughts themselves were

    I'm surprised TAC didnt take this from you, and I think he might have had he not messed around lol.

    vote Pain. Topic and ending killed it. TAC wasnt consistent enough to get it.
    test
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