[Week 30] [Championship] 1. Born Deaf(8-1) vs 2. T.a.C(6-4)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Oct 26, 2009.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest



    WEEK 30



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
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  2. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    in.

    gl, holmes
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  3. Born Deaf

    Born Deaf DIED HEARING

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    102
    here [moomoo]
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  4. Born Deaf

    Born Deaf DIED HEARING

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    102
    A Movie Told in Pictures.

    the day the motion pictured died.
    a million scripts cried, all their ink dried.
    empty pages, replaced with cinema contagious,
    minimal moments tapped to play the ages.
    the photographs grow, and we don't see it.
    maybe were all just movie beings.
    being paraphrased & quoted in stills.
    played on reels, analog tape wheels.
    and some pause to watch us.
    and some pause to stop us.
    what if were the subject of controlled dials?
    the make em say button, just a while.
    maybe reality's light-switch's manufacturer.
    is truly a modern day cranium crack-er..
    brain hacker, cut the fiber optics,
    cause their neural nonsense to view a stoppage.
    system clogged, freeze frame the conscious.
    were all dabs of something higher watching.
    a creators universe,
    cartoons forming in notebook corners burst.
    one sketch at a time,
    never an etch behind.
    even when were viewing the snapshots.
    somewhere a light bulb just met it's match-top.
    i have a feeling.
    deep in the gut, i feel it squealing.
    that,
    we're the twigs to someone else's branches.
    only dying as a pixel damaged.
    some of us are frozen underneath a mattress.
    & some are news-stand plastered.
    a few are blogged, tagged, & saved.
    & some ripped to shreds for goodness sake!
    but if you've never been stopped for a smile.
    did you ever ask if you exist as a child?
    view the opening scenes we can't remember.
    a babies eyes, our warm december.
    polaroid portraits take a moment, look back,
    beyond the knowledge of a million book bags.
    the best you ever had dressed in frames.
    nailed to walls, or on mantels laying.
    our best moments are living in stop motion.
    video killed the exposures commotion.
    these days no one stops to watch the pauses.
    unless it's halftime. than the tivo box is.
    hear the knocks nick on a lens door.
    & see quick through the fence war.
    were all hiding behind the instant draw.
    every moments previous spawn.
    pawns to a quick witted higher thinker.
    alive until we die, reborn as a motion picture.






    TOPIC: REBORN, AGAIN.
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  5. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    A few months ago was born a young child
    Painless through the cunt though, some teared, some smiled
    Parents excited to see their son grow, until he could run wild
    Started a fund with some dough, hid it under the sun dial
    As it compiled, they would raise him the religious way
    To love his family, to love his god, and his village the same
    While his people would love to pillage an rape
    He’d grow to be the one to say “yo kill this, its lame”

    One day, his grandmother decided to put the Qur’Ran on his chest
    Next morning he woke up with appeared to be a stamp on his neck
    The mother passed the kid off to let the grandma inspect
    It was written in Arabic and on the hand it said ‘death’

    They tried to wash it off, while a sense of urgency loomed
    Then they rushed the young child off to the emergency room
    The mom saying prayers in her head, as she worried, she gloomed
    But the grandmother knew of the impending flurry of doom
    The doctor said he never seen this, couldn’t believe it
    Asked if it was a prank pulled by a neighborhood miscreant
    Said “If there is any pain, possibly we could relieve it
    But if you want us to cure this disease I don’t think we can achieve it”



    When they were leaving, on the elevator out went the electricity
    Then an earthquake struck with ten point intensity
    The grandma knowing that the end was reached
    Dropped to the floor as she bent her knees
    She told her daughter what the letters mean
    And that for the good of the world, she would need to dead her seed
    When the mother refused the grandma then begged her, “please
    If you end him, you will be saving us, we’re free”

    She thought her mom was crazy, finally made her stop
    Suddenly the chain broke and the elevator dropped
    Then it got so hot they started frying like a tator tot
    They know its about to get ugly like a Raider loss

    They were able to pry the door open an escape free
    Minus the grandma who on impact suffered a sprained knee
    She told her daughter, “go get help…save me”
    She agreed and then they escaped free
    They walked out the building, the sky was odd colored
    “Life as we know it’s about to end” screamed a god lover
    “Get into some shelter, right away, if you’re not covered”
    She looked to the sky to see there a size increasing spot hovered

    It was I, coming to say time, well there was none left
    Her son caused her no pain at birth, and none at death
    Life is short, and everyone’s supposed to die
    The mother looks at her son before she closed her eyes

    ------------------------------------------------------------


    You prolly wonder how I know this if everybody died in this cursed plan
    We’ll I remember it clearly, cuz I experienced it first hand
    See, people follow many religions, from Chrisitianity to Kabbalah
    Well, the worlds search for god ends with Allah
    But people doubted my existence, you all needed to learn
    I’m as real as you, you shoulda heeded my word
    You guys doubt in me, you don’t think that hurts to me
    So I stopped the oxygen from hitting your lungs cuz you don’t deserve to breathe
    You all knew about the boy with the writing, didn’t know I was up to something
    Only those religious folks knew what was up and coming
    This shouldn’t have been a surprise to you and kin
    In the Qur’Ran it says, when doomsday comes, my words will appear on human skin
    The world has became one where religion is tossed astray
    So It’s time for a change, where society has not lost its way
    Because your society has been torn and slain
    In order for me to restart from fresh, the human race will be reborn again
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  6. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,368
    Born Deaf - This kind of read like a thematic stream of consciousness piece. It was a pretty nice topical. One part that really stuck out was:
    As simplistic as it may seem, the wordplay was definitely profound. Your wording in some places was not as top-notch as it was in this part. Cinema contagious was one of those parts that I had difficulty accepting. Some of the rhymes were forced, and the wording suffered for it. Overall the impact was kind of missing. The thoughts weren't strung together all that well. I've seen much better from you, but it was still pretty solid. You really oughta group your thoughts together better, a lot of the lines seemed kind of haphazardly thrown together. I think either rewriting, or taking more time with it would have been a good idea.

    T.a.C. - Once again, you've improved. This is by far your best piece. Period. Although the wording and rhymes do still need work (i.e. you should refrain from rhyming it with it, and the word cunt didn't really fit the context, you should've made it more, pleasant, I suppose), as well as your cadence and flow, your writer's voice has improved dramatically, and your ability to tell an impactful story with it. Really, the story is there, the concept is there, the voice is there, you just need to polish your mechanics. If you do that, you'll be top-notch in no-time.

    Vote - T.a.C.
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    What I'd like to know is what the shit Pain was reading...

    4sight - stop with all this font nonsense...I did not enjoy squinting to read your great big metaphor on life and motion pictures and whatever other dry and emotionless shit you decided to spew this week. It was written well though and I found the end of it to be "cute".

    tac - ...no. First major problems with the story progression, throwing a chunk of spaces doesn't make a story progress smooth. Transitions are absolutely vital to progression. Your rhymes...they're just flat out basic...it feels like you go on a website that tells you what words rhyme together and just pluck them to fit your story...virtually most of your language doesn't fit cohesively. You throw bars like the raiders loss line and such while trying to write a story about God bringing the end of the world...it doesn't work that way. This piece lacked focus and it lacked a consistency in your writers voice. You tried to do to much and ended up getting out classed by an easily beatable verse.

    vote = Joe I Design Myspace Pages Commisso.
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  8. Deadeyes

    Deadeyes The eye is watching

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2009
    Messages:
    41
    Born.. okay.. this was a good topical.. It was not a story as most like to do.. but you conveyed a lot of emotion in this.. it was abstract in concept.. but different and I liked the direction you went.. the use of all the forms of viewable media.. the stop and pause.. blog.. all that word play was good.. and the end was interesting idea.. I enjoyed this.. I will agree with the troll got life that you should have a easier to read font..

    Tac..okay.. this was a powerful peace.. I felt the emotion to be realistic portrayed between characters.. you had a better use of rhyme schemes.. then end was dramatic as well.. I think that your story had a good plot line and to me it was superior to Born's topic.. I do suggest that you stay away from lines like
    “a raider loss”.. or slang as your a narrator trying to tell a serious story.. it just seems out of place

    vote-Tac.. if born had more lines and expanded with more witty word play and concepts he could have had this.
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  9. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    ^^this vote is not counting soo go in to detail or don't even bother voting..
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  11. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    the day the motion pictured died.
    a million scripts cried, all their ink dried.
    empty pages, replaced with cinema contagious,
    minimal moments tapped to play the ages.
    the photographs grow, and we don't see it.
    maybe were all just movie beings.

    I think you jumped into the meaning a bit quit, and could have had twice the built up just at the beginning.As far as the rest of the verse, you completely killed it, with subtle vivid descriptions, that made sense. My favorite part was around the part you talked about cartoons, but book bags also plays over i my mind with strength. Good stuff!

    It was written in Arabic and on the hand it said ‘death’
    **I was really feelin the flow on this line here.

    I had trouble getting into it a couple times though up until that line, but after that it was all blaze for me.

    When they were leaving, on the elevator out went the electricity
    Then an earthquake struck with ten point intensity
    The grandma knowing that the end was reached
    Dropped to the floor as she bent her knees
    She told her daughter what the letters mean
    And that for the good of the world, she would need to dead her seed
    **This was the shit. I liked how you jumped into it. It was great.

    When the mother refused the grandma then begged her, “please
    If you end him, you will be saving us, we’re free”
    **this part here I think jumped a bit quick for my taste, I would of liked to hear about how somebodys face looked as the drop of time slowed down or something

    Then it got so hot they started frying like a tator tot
    They know its about to get ugly like a Raider loss
    **my take on this is that you havent' been funny so far, but if you had made a slight more suspense, maybe another stanza or so, it would have served as a good comic relief to the tension

    She agreed and then they escaped free
    **after she agreed to help her mother, I don't see how it fits in. I would have liked some symbolism of "knee" here that went with the inevitability of death, and the irony of sinning. Very nice verse altogether, although I would have liked to understand the psychology of the reader and how their own beliefs shape the verse, as is always an interest to me, which in my opinion wasn't revealed enough in the writing, but perhaps it was.

    Good stuff from both writers, but I'm going to go with Born Deaf because it felt like every analogy was just packed full of vividness that was enough to overtake T.A.C.'s entertaining yet doomsday story.
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    BD - I think this was a good verse. You had a good flow and nice rhyming in here. I had issues with the word 'were' which is different from we're. This confused me for a second then i figured out which word you actually meant. I wish you had told more of a story here with this because you had alot of potential with this verse but i felt like you sold yourself short with what could've been. still a good verse.

    fave line -
    "polaroid portraits take a moment, look back,
    beyond the knowledge of a million book bags.
    the best you ever had dressed in frames.
    nailed to walls, or on mantels laying."

    T.a.C - I thought this was a great story. you have a gnat for telling a good, enjoyable story. I thought you could use some imagery or metaphors in a piece like this and could add another element to your verse. I like your rhymes but your flow was a little off with you line lengths. If you can work on this, you will improve alot more IMO. nice verse.

    fave line -
    "She thought her mom was crazy, finally made her stop
    Suddenly the chain broke and the elevator dropped
    Then it got so hot they started frying like a tator tot
    They know its about to get ugly like a Raider loss"

    Overall a surprisingly even battle. Both were strong in areas the other was weak in, BD with mechanics & T.a.C with story. My vote goes to T.a.C for having a better story that connected with me. nicely done guys
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