[Week 3] Patrown(2-0) vs ShadowWarriorfs(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,178
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  4. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,178
    May I please have an extension, O' mighty god of mods?
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Granted....i'll take one as well.
    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689


    Perception


    [​IMG]



    I bask in the glow as the Sun rises over the horizon
    Swimming against the flow of the calm rivers
    Eyes closed as I enjoy the serenade from birds
    Feeling the gentle breeze calm me with abstract words
    Embracing its peace smiling at this blissful scene
    Whispering pleas that I would remember what I’ve seen
    With eyes like these, I see the full spectrum of light
    Swallowing its rays hoping my rectum stays tight
    Refusing digestion clinging to these feelings so bright
    Still I question whether God’s healings might-
    Reflect across the grassy fields and clear blue oceans
    The world shields itself because it fears the true motions
    That encompasses all that I see but maybe they are blind
    And retreat into the shadows because that is all they could find
    As I reciprocate the love I’ve seen hoping they would change
    But their spirits were broken, proclaiming that love was strange

    Now adapted to it’s ecosystem buried with flies and filth
    Spawning savage people that further derives the myth
    That we are evil by default yet I still tried to help
    To no ones fault, I was reluctant to ease the pain they felt
    A subtle sigh caused a ripple effect throughout the masses
    Now rejecting the lactating nipple that fed their asses
    As they began to loathe all that was innocent and pure
    Defecating on their abode refusing any accept a cure
    With every breath I spoke, my words they continued to contort
    Until I saw the cloak, reminiscent of Satan carrying his pitch fork
    “This Godlike energy feeds us.” they muttered as they left their fort
    Calling me a handicapped fetus that God tried desperately to abort
    As they bound me in chains, I watch the light begin to fade
    The moisture my flesh once sustained dries like a desert cave
    I realize that I have fallen into their pits of despair
    Overwhelmed by its gravity, I retreat into the cold dark air…

    test
  7. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,178
    The Korangal "Valley of Death," best description of this nest.
    Far off cracks, hellos to fellows, just duck, aim, then rest.
    See dimples through scopes when hopes of virgins bust like fountains;
    Paint pictures of their prophet with the matter on the ground then,
    stare in wonder at a storm forming around the mountain.
    "INVADERS," insurgents thundered, "allah akbar's" and all that.
    The sun's in our eyes when ordered, "WEAPONS FREE, DONT FALL BACK."

    Ranks torn by vicious mortars, I crept through a sea of devastation,
    Gripped in horror and amazement, teeth cracking like pavement.
    The floor's a clever arrangement of faceless blazing corpses.
    Through severed limbs I explore, forgetting war's morbid .
    Trained to drain blood from our own rotting forces.
    The shame of a cold vampire, warmed by the course of man,
    I stormed an empty position, unarmed with stains on hands.
    The genes inside of my veins, demanding relief from strain.
    Our plans demanded my capture,rapture for would be captives.
    My chance given by hearts inactive , so I threw up hands passively.
    A hostage the cost of a king, perplexing men of ultra violence.
    Still vexed they puffed out chests, on them rest my violin's.

    Rah's iris peers staring, angrily watching my whole story.
    It's glaring leer steers my path, as with all souls before me.
    Projected by ghostly wind in echoes , surrounded by walls like tombs;
    Forming shadows in memory's honor, around us mountain peaks loom.

    Soon twilight begins, bringing blackness lasting for weeks.
    My face masking deceit,placed with chains in a seat,
    Teeth beat from my smile, staring at blood on cielings.
    Attacked while I lay helpless, last pain I'll ever be feeling.
    Repeating every question, prying inside of my mind.
    Asking us one at a time,answers I know they can't find.
    One by one we died, choking on blood and lies.

    Your the last remaining hostage of an American platoon captured in Iraq. The rest of your squad has been killed either in the battle to capture you....or by torture. Your commanding officers remain steadfast on thier "No negotiations" policy and things are looking grim for you. You havent eatin in days and the "Jumper cable" wounds on your genitals hurt more everyday. Do you talk? Do your try and escape? Your call...
    test
  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    shadow.. it was a nice piece overall... i couldnt really get into it too much...

    right after the fiurst line..

    I bask in the glow as the Sun rises over the horizon
    Swimming against the flow of the calm rivers

    it didnt rhyme, kind of like you forgot to rhyme right there.. you have good vocab but your rhyming was simplistic, basically rhyming at the end of each line only... and alot of them were single syllabble rhymes... which arent very pleasing to the eye... looking at this as a piece without rhyming incorporated.. it was decent... i didnt feel much as i difted through the piece... i liked the imagery with flies and filth, but you failed to rhyme on the next line.. built, killed, even milk rhyme better with filth than myth...

    patrown.. your getting better... i see you are focused more on your syllable count, and you had a broken multi you told a decent story

    Still vexed they puffed out chests, on them rest my violin's.

    i know your trying to rhyme with violence but violins have no place in the story ...
    probably woulda sounded better like this

    Still vexed they puffed out chests, while i sit in silence...

    but i like how you developed your story, i can see you put in alot of effort...

    i vote patrown... i enjoyed his story more, and kept me more entertained...
    test
  9. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Shadow - some really awkward wording that made this verse a little harder to get through then i'd like. I'm going to point some of them out real quick

    "....over the horizon
    ......Calm rivers " in what accent does that rhyme?

    "Swallowing its rays hoping my rectum stays tight" If I read that right - super awkward way of saying you hope you dont get prostate cancer. I dont understand why people want to go so far out of the way to say what the mean.

    "God’s healings might-" I'm guilty of doing this too but it's awkward when you have to add an 's to everything to make your rhyme work...and in your case I dont think you even needed it.

    "refusing any accept a cure" -- I didnt even know how to reword that in my head...i just skipped the line. wtf man?

    Those are the main ones that bothered me..I also didnt dig the vague details throughout this. You used like half the line limit and you didn't even really tell me what was so grotesque or unacceptable about this guy except that he was different. I find it weird when people do this and make me depend on the actual picture topic. You shouldn't rely on your picture topic to make your verse come to life, you should rely on your verse to make your picture topic come to life. I thought that was so genius I put it in italics. Some good stuff in there too - Dries like a desert cave, serenade from birds, reflect across the grassy fields - all good imagery. I think you need to work on really bringing out your topic, keep doing it.

    Pat - You had a great idea, i think, but I got lost somewhere in the wording..."on them rests my violins" ?what violins, where did they come from wtf?
    "Far off cracks, hellos to fellows, just duck, aim, then rest.
    See dimples through scopes when hopes of virgins bust like fountains;" that whole segment was just confusing to read.

    Also I thought you were being serious about him being a vampire that was captured on purpose so he could eat the other side while in their camp - and if that was true then that was great. But towards the end it seemed like it was just a metaphor for his (medical) place in the field (?). Either way that segment was written with a nice flair to it (the aforementioned metaphor, that is). the ending felt anti-climatic - just kind of "and thats where we are." - I was a little disappointed with that. The rest of the story was pretty engaging. Lots of descriptions and if it weren't for your awkward wording probably a pretty good story. Concept had me engaged, good job.

    Patrown had something that engaged me more. Both competitors have qualities they can improve on, but in this specific match I think Pat wrote the better overall piece.
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Shad:
    Dude for such a short piece this was packed and I mean packed full of hot imagery..

    “Swallowing its rays hoping my rectum stays tight”

    “Now rejecting the lactating nipple that fed their asses”

    “Calling me a handicapped fetus that God tried desperately to abort”

    It’s borderline disturbing and beautiful at the same time like that shit was soo fucked up – I think im in love.. Anywhoot story was cool follow the theme of the lord of the flies pic.. No major twists or turns but a good read considering how short it was to your normal pieces.. Nice drop.

    Pat:
    Woah you have a truly aggressive structure to this which made me as the reader get slogged in the side of the head after every line.. And that’s what you’re after when writing a piece especially about war.. I want to quote the whole verse dude so strong and well put together.. Top notch description, vocab and derection.. Awesome piece..

    Vote = Patrown

    Great match up.. Shadow could have taken this if he made a more lengthy verse add some fucked up twist to go with those fucken gruesome lines but in the end pats high end wording and structure truly killed it..
    test
  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Shad - Let me know if I'm getting this right. The boy is only an apparatus of evil because hate, darkness is the sum of the world he lives in. He is sensitive to it in knowing the truth of God. Being as so he becomes what the world is: nasty. Maybe it's his own weakness for being that way and he should not blame God at all. That is foolish for a person to do.

    This was pretty good, I had to read it 3 times slow to really appreciate this. I really cannot think on how to change this or how to critique it. It was your own expression. Your really gave some life to the picture. good job on the peotery...sometimes it's not all about overly describing every single detail with adjectives ...watch that.


    pat - Was it Rah who brought the eclipses and darkness ? If so, I like how you bring a god into the picture and he is an external force now controlling the environment to war and adding to the misery of captivity. Gave a nice element to your verse and made it heavy as the ancient will of man. I like the narrative, I felt here were many great lines like I said to you already. You know which they are.

    I felt this could have used an ending to really let Rah have something to say other than being behind the sense doing his thing while the character narrates his situation up front in the first person.

    Great rhymes.

    v -pat
    test
  12. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,824
    i hate to bring the past back to how my voting goes - but when i read both verses, im one to press hard on imagery, wordplay mixed with simplicity - based on the verses... the verse i liked had these 3 qualities... and also had a smoother progression from beginning to end..... the thing i lack in my verses stems from not progressing the story/narration... and i tend to stay within one instance... thats what i detected with shadow's verse.... the decider was the way how patrown's word usage kept the verse moving... and illustrating the tale to my liking..

    vote - patrown .... good match.
    test
  13. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    interesting...

    Shad-
    everything that needs to be said has already been said the "accept any a cure" part threw me off, but the story was good, some parts i didn't understand but in the end i think i realized what you were saying, and this was a spin off the matrix theory that we live in one dimension while our minds tell us we are some where else type of thing.....
    iah the reason why pat is getting voted for is b/c the minor mistakes and story developmental lack..

    -pat-
    wow bro, i'd never imagine a rook would take it to the vet's dome like this, although I know shad could write circles around the best of us, you managed to stay in peak form and deliver until the end. everyone said pretty much what i wanted to say already, great rhymes and delivery. wording was on point. be careful not to force any rhymes and let it flow..

    vote - pat
    test
  14. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,243
    shadow - nice poetic feel to your verse this week. Some words didn't rhyme so great like filth and myth. If your verses had a little more multies, stronger scheme, I think they'd read alot like noms sometimes. your vocab isn't overly done, which I think can hurt a verse sometimes. especially if one needs a dictionary to completely understand a writers works. this was easy to follow and the story developed very nicely.

    Pat - I don't think I've read you before and this was a pleasant surprize. a really nice flow and some great rhymes in here

    "The Korangal "Valley of Death," best description of this nest.
    Far off cracks, hellos to fellows, just duck, aim, then rest"

    I liked the way this read, the inner rhymes worked well too. your vocab was also a strong point in your verse. Yeah this flows great. your wording is perfect here

    "Ranks torn by vicious mortars, I crept through a sea of devastation,
    Gripped in horror and amazement, teeth cracking like pavement."

    that I really liked :)

    I've gotta do this... so I'll give this to Pat. Very close I think Pat just edged out shadow here..

    V/ Pat
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  15. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    shad:

    cool lil verse here, nothing really jumped out at me in a negative way, then again nothing really jumped out at me in an ill way either. i appreciate the dark tone adn really dig pieces like this. i'm just not sure how i feel overall about teh piece it didnt really leave me with much either way.

    pat:
    this was dope as fuck, loved the story, but what really made this stand out for me was teh rhyme scheme and flow of the verse, shit was buttery as fuck. i dont think i've read a verse by you before but none the less i was impressed. dope read.


    vote: pat, better in every category
    test
  16. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pat win 8 to -2
    test
  17. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    Patrown wins
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)