[Week 3] J. Keeper(2-0) vs Kuja(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    404
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  3. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Requesting an extension if thats ok, something has come up and i wont be able to write today so if its ok i can write and drop tomorrow. thanks
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  4. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

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    Bahhh I never took the time to make edits, and I'm drunk as a skunk now, gonna post now though since I wrote it.

    BTW mods, can you always allow an extension against me?

    I just like to see people write, lol.

    Gonna edit in my votes here, take your time brother, extension as long as you need, shit happens.
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  5. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
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    Dear mother,
    Why's it gotta hurt so much,
    When the memories of better deeds avert my clutch,
    Dear mother,
    I don't have a hearse to tug,
    But I'm sure it's the mud when the work gets tough,
    Dear brothers,
    I wish you would forget my name,
    For the deeds I have done, I accept the blame,
    Dear brothers,
    I know you can't reject the pain,
    But I did what I could, when the tension came...

    ...April 12th, and I pray might tell,
    What a fate I felt, on the day time swelled,
    And it bled over the course of years,
    It spread like death over a morbid tear,
    This portion's clear, never had a sunshine home,
    Used to run to anywhere the sunshine roamed,
    Used to feel so different when the sunshine showed,
    Like the fighting and the difference was the sunshine's foe,
    That one night though, when one fight grows
    to a war with a score and a drum-tight goal,
    You'll know what it feels like, to feel release,
    But the feeling soon passes, and steals your peace,
    My father figure, you could call him that,
    He ain't much bigger than a laundrymat,
    He used a hands on method with his family too,
    Used to wring us all out in our family room,
    My brothers and I, seeked to, some of the time,
    Reach the summer, feel some comfort, so we'd run from the life,
    But I never really figured that upon my return,
    He'd be hands on with mom, both palms were a blur,
    That was the scene when I opened the door,
    The family tree being choked on the floor,
    And as the biggest, meanest branch turned it's gaze,
    I learned a big lesson I observe today,
    If you carry a weapon then be sure to aim,
    Under stressful situations it is sure to stray,
    As I saw him reach with a hand of rage,
    Down towards the pocket with the handsome blade,
    I reached towards my holster, cocked the hammer, wait,
    Give him a chance to put his sham away,
    He pressed the knife against his wife,
    I pulled the trigger, and let it fly,
    Hit his shoulder, she let a cry,
    Her eyes danced from me to him, pressing, "Why?"
    The blood grew thicker, she choked and gagged,
    Life slowly leaving through the throat she grasped,
    He threw down the knife, and he left the room,
    To leave me to brood with this restless doom...

    ...No charges pressed, I was off but yet,
    I haven't heard a day that didn't snarl regret,
    Dear mother,
    I wish I could forget the day,
    That my dreams and wishes left me led astray,
    Dear mother,
    Remember the me that never would leave,
    And I'll remember the you that protected the me...​

    Your standing at a grave... what thoughts feelings rush through your mind.. what happens... Expand.
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  6. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Tommy



    Jack Daniels his only friend,Tommy was trapped
    Rotting in a hateful world where he couldnt adapt
    Tearing at the seams playing out his sunken dreams
    Waking up in his own vomit, a result of drunken deeds
    His apartment was such a wreck, it didnt impress
    But Tommys only guests were heartache & stress
    Once a proud man, these days Tommys just a shadow
    An empty vessel riddled with alcohol & tobacco
    Stuck in this earthly cycle feeling suicidal
    Trying to seek purpose within the holy bible
    But Jack was special, in thoughts he liked to nestle
    Tommy was seeking god but he ended up with the devil
    Jack was smart, treating this victim like his son
    & the more Tommy drank, the more they became one
    Then the night sets in, the darkness embarks
    The walls seem to tighten as the memories start


    'Tommy was smiling, his life was no longer empty
    Driving in his car with his wife & daughter wendy
    Filled with joyful glee, full of anticipation
    He & his family always loved the summer vacation
    The sun shined down, such a beautiful day it showed
    Creating a fairtale as they followed the yellow brick road
    Until tragedy struck in the form of a chevoret truck
    Out of nowhere smashing & tearing tommys family car up
    The world went blank, the atmosphere cold & dank
    As Tommy was greeted by wendys severed hand
    So this was death, a scarlet wave of silence
    Broken only in the distance by a fleet of a dozen sirens
    He turned to his wife, such a bloody & fucked up sight
    This was the moment that Tommy had lost his life
    But before the memory faded, tommy turned to his right
    & there somewhat goading, laid jack in a hand held tight'


    That was the day that his familys blood spilt
    Tommy the only survivor now riddled with guilt
    Hand in hand with the murderer, yes he knew it was Jack
    & this point in the night Tommy always fought back
    The anger inside no longer denied..
    This was Tommys good side, like his Jekyll to Hyde
    He stood & grasped Jack by the neck, a blatant attack
    But as Mr Daniels smashed, the last full measure....
    Still lay there intact.




    Topic- Last Full Measure.
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  7. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
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    31,424
    J. Keeper ~ This was a heartbreaking piece to read, since it touched on a lot of issues from abuse to being faced with horns of a dilemma of either endure it, or make a stop to it, and I liked the fact you chose the analytical method to go about this one, instead of a synthetic one. The imagery was very well depicted between emotions caught in the rhymes.



    ^^Most powerful verses.


    Kuja ~ Interesting way of approaching this topic, and one that resonates louder than any "don't drink and drive" campaign ever made. I liked how the story of this piece revolved around an issue that we all are aware of, yet the blame still gets placed on Jack instead of on the person responsible. The overall structure and rhymes were solid, although I found the dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde reference a bit excessive ~ as it's been used so many times.

    ^^Some of the best lines out of the piece.


    Both did an extraordinary job at it.

    Vote ~ Kuja.​
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
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    Pain:
    The opening and ending stanzas held a lot of emotion. This piece kind of reminded me of the intro to sucker punch which is cool you put your twist on it but just imo it wasn’t an overwhelming twist like holy fuck did that just happen cause 13 bars from the climax you gave away the ending. Your structure was nice though your vocab lacked its usual punch. Also there were some spelling mistakes and awkward lines.
    “He ain't much bigger than a laundrymat,”
    ^
    This line stood out like a sore thumb. You followed the metaphor nicely in further lines but line for line this doesn’t make sense.
    “handsome blade”
    For the description of a weapon this to me did not hit its target. I know why u did it to rhyme the multi syllable line prior but you just have to be careful with this not to throw the reader off in a negative way.

    Definitely not the best piece you’ve ever written but still a pretty decent drop.

    Kuja:
    Another verse driven by the emotion, this was a good match up. Your story development was fast paced and unfolded with each line progressively. I think what you need to work on is your structure either shorten the lines or chuck in a few internals to knock your pieces up a notch. Still a good read.

    “So this was death, a scarlet wave of silence”
    Beautiful imagery.

    Vote = kuja

    This was close. Both strong emotion. Pains had that better structure but was sloppy at time while kuja though had the simpler approach hit home with what he wanted to say without taking the reader out of the story. Great match up guys and GL
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  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    sorry for the dbl post if mods cld delete this that wld b great..
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  10. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    14,147
    Kuja - Pretty cool story of a relapse. If i hadn't read it before like sixty times it would be fresh. Rhymes weren't that special but the wording was pretty good. I wish you wouldve been more descriptive at times, for example
    "He turned to his wife, such a bloody & fucked up sight"...."fucked up sight" is about as vaguely descriptive as you can get - pretty lazy of you IMO. I think in terms of writing a concept out and having your set of sequencing ideas you are ahead of a lot of people, but for the actual grit of the content, you have some work to do.

    JKeeps -there are awkward rhymes starting from "palms were a blur"
    also tree metaphor isn't written so tight-knit that i like it. I'm a stiggler for metaphors and the mom herself isn't a family tree and the dad isn't a branch, if anything both of them would be the tree and you'd be a branch. then u have sure to aim/sure to stray..weak
    hand on rage/handsome blade.. weak
    the events in the story are nice - I like that u gave him time to put it away and then he kills her, thats cool. I just think you can do it with better imagery and better rhymes. Also the ending is a bit..umm..I dont think you need to say "no charges pressed" but rather allude to it through pain/anger/rage whatever.
    I liked the beginning though, nice flow. Cool concept and decent structure just need to work out the bottom half of it - mostly because that's where the meat of the story is and that is the important part that'll stick with the voters.

    Overall - Both stories are kind've played around these parts. I think Jkeeps had better mechanics, and both had similar outlines for their works (outlines being how they set up their beginning middle and end in respect to their topics). I would say this is a pretty close battle; I think Keeps showed a better handle on writing and that's why I have to give him the nod

    Keeps
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  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    4,096
    j. keep - Not an original concept, but this was done with class. Very nice narration that gave a lot to think about and much to imagine. Good work. Flow was pretty.

    I was enjoying exploring your rendition of that angsty kid upset, over protective of mom and her choices of relationship. You really captured all the details, start to finish. I compliment the opening "dear mama' "dear brother" stanza...influenced by pac ? Good pauses and breaks. It added to the whole.

    But at the same time I was like yeah so what ? This kid should just mind his business because you did not fill me really as to why he had this vendetta. Yeah, he saw father figure groping mom, but so what, your a kid/teen. I wanted to agree with the kid, but I was really wanting to tell him to mind his own business.

    I think that could have been explored. Because this if you take away the great narration is bare. But the way you handled it really disguised it and added a mood.

    If you can just invent a concept, that would be a train wreck coming at your opponent. Your last weeks verse was not totally OG either. This needs to be addressed imo. but again, we all are not very orginal either...

    Good verse.


    kuja - I liked how you gave Jack real life attributes and in the first stanza he and Tommy had a relationship, though it was really his drinking habit. Good job at that, for addicts that is true.

    IN the second, I see that the memory was early in the his addiction when he was younger...and what happened. The crash.

    This kinda set him off and that explains the opening well. I liked that.

    In the third stanza Tommy is clearly in a world of accepted turmoil. Yet, the Jack is still there, unhurt, undisturbed and as healthy as always. You had given Jack Daniels human attributes and it was awesome to close with bringing it back down to reality: yea, the bottle still remains while Tommy is *&^@.

    Great verse.

    I really have nothing to say. Maybe add to the last few passages a really impacted and great finalizer. Something that is a snippet of wisdom and reflection ? Would have gave more depth imo.


    V - Ku
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  12. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,177
    J.Keep -
    "Her eyes danced from me to him, pressing, "Why?"
    The blood grew thicker, she choked and gagged,
    Life slowly leaving through the throat she grasped,"


    powerful ... very powerful bars. the first line set me up to be completely mauled by the second two.
    and this really set up the ending well,

    That was the scene when I opened the door,
    The family tree being choked on the floor,
    And as the biggest, meanest branch turned it's gaze,
    I learned a big lesson I observe today,
    If you carry a weapon then be sure to aim,


    Overall, the only two things that bothered me cereal killer already mentioned.
    Just a couple unnecessary words. in an otherwise powerful story, not too big of a deal..
    some of it was pretty straightforward, could have been spoken in a more poetic fashion.
    It did have a feel to it though. a strong one.

    Kuja - I'll start with the most important part of the verse IMO...

    "He turned to his wife, such a bloody & fucked up sight
    This was the moment that Tommy had lost his life
    But before the memory faded, tommy turned to his right
    & there somewhat goading, laid jack in a hand held tight'"

    somewhat goading was awkward.. the middle lines needed much more feeling in them, "fucked up sight".. iono it was just such an important moment in the story.the worst thing the addiction had ever done to him, something he'll never forget for the rest of his life.
    I like how you laid out the story. it was a good read, and a reminder driving drunk is stupid as hell. and a good description of an alcoholic, quite accurate.

    I like these lines:
    "But Jack was special, in thoughts he liked to nestle
    Tommy was seeking god but he ended up with the devil
    Jack was smart, treating this victim like his son
    & the more Tommy drank, the more they became one
    Then the night sets in, the darkness embarks
    The walls seem to tighten as the memories start"


    they flowed well and set a grim mood.. that line about him becoming the devil is on point for sure.
    and this was brazen and I got a kick out of it
    So this was death, a scarlet wave of silence"
    probably the best bar in the whole verse. that was really good..
    tbh, I guessed the car crash.. drunk guy lives..
    it was laid out proper.. but lacked emotion. You did pretty good for the story you were telling... I've read quite a few that weren't as good about the same thing.


    Win- j.keep.
    the deciding issue in this match IMO was the way you described the very moment she was dying. i just decided to look at the effort put into the most crucial part of that story because other then that, it was pretty close..
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  13. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
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    j keep:

    nice, such a dope read, had me intrigued throughout. i was kind of wondering what direction it was going to go so its a plus to your talent. some of the words used in your rhymes were simplistic... to the point where i noticed. simple rhymes are cool, but space them out so it isnt as obvious. the technicalities of your verse are irrelevant though as i was very intrigued, i love it. the intro was dope, loved it.

    kujo:

    man o man, another very hard match to judge. this was dope as fuck, imagery was on point, flow was on point- i felt like i really was in your head reading this, like the way i continued on some lines into the next and where i thought you would take breaths if you rapped this, are in the same places i would of done, so in that sense, your verse was the ultimate in natural utilization. i really have no complaints with your verse except for simple rhymes at times like right/tight.


    vote - too very dope engaging verses, with the same slight faults. this is painfully hard to judge, but i have to say J KEEPER wins, only cause i have a personal connection to the verse. both deserve a win this week
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    tie 3-3.>I'll vote in a sec.

    After deductions Kuja up 2 to -2
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  15. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    ive been going back and forth on this one

    technically... j keeper had the better verse... only line that kind of threw me for a loop was time swelled...

    time can get bigger.. i guess, but it was kind of... blah to me...

    the overall storyline was told well as well

    but i enjoyed reading kujas verse more... the drunk driving concept, and the way the story was told kept me more intrigued... however it wasnt as technically sound as j keeps verse...

    soo in this dilemnia, im going with the verse that intrigued me more as a reader... and i vote

    kuja
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  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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