[Week 3] InsaneVillian(1-1) vs nO gOoD!(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

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    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

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    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    test
  3. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    test
  4. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    Jennifer had life to her step, when spring was around,
    but today she wasn't the same, no singing a loud.

    She stood facing the slab with letters etched in stone,
    drifting away like flower petals that forget they're thrown.

    Eyes closed, left alone, not the type to read and weep,
    but she had to let it go, move on and seek relief.

    Cause deep beneath the surface, she needs a purpose..
    a reason to carry on, and leave the grief...
    hurtless...

    she stood motionless,
    and couldn't glance back..
    In a trance that,
    fast tracked a flash back..

    --------------------------

    The smoke on earths surface stifled his speech,
    as he lies up in the dirt with no rifle in reach.
    too numb to move would he succumb to his wounds?
    he needed shelter bad, from all the blood he would lose..

    He jumped in..
    fifth soldier.. recce division..
    Now he's left wondering if his section is living..

    A hostage ...
    He was broken and bruised
    Gassed up he was choking the fumes.
    They took a worn, torn rag thats weathered and full of coals
    And beat him to death, riddled him with bullet holes,
    Still and breathless... chasing after light
    He finally arrives, to embrace the afterlife.

    ------------------------

    She says goodbye to her dad, then exhales a breath
    He'll forever be her hero, jailed or death..

    facing the slab with his name etched in stone,
    She let go of the pain..
    She knows he's ventured home..
    test
  5. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    till when?

    you wanna drop on saturday?
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  6. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
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    votes -


    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313476-week-3-cereal_killer-1-0-vs-deadking-1-0-a.html#post1069336968

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313474-week-3-coup-detat-1-1-vs-lyricalpriest-1-1-a.html#post1069337024

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313479-week-3-patrown-2-0-vs-shadowwarriorfs-2-0-a.html#post1069337057

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313473-week-3-nom-1-1-vs-omega-man-1-1-a.html#post1069337085

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313472-week-3-breathless-0-2-vs-anaphora-0-1-a.html#post1069337096

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-storytelling-topical-league/1313470-week-3-defcon_5-0-0-vs-katch-phraze-0-0-vs-t-c-0-0-a.html#post1069337144
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  7. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    alright... dsturday night same time
    test
  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    BOOM!!!


    Your standing at a grave... what thoughts feelings rush through your mind.. what happens... Expand.


    looking down at my brother smothered in dirt...
    this lover of earth has left me alone covered in hurt...
    agony, why did this catastrophe have to be?
    a tragedy, i can just see our enemies laugh at me...
    my fantasy? i plan to attack his killers...
    he wasnt even a butterfly, only a caterpillar...
    i grab a miller lite, and pour out my respects...
    mixed with tears and probably an ounce of regret...
    trying to reflect, as the sky also begins to mourn...
    drenching my lost soul with anger, filling my pores...
    ill leave my live in whore, bitch is far from being a wife...
    and ill join the military to avenge my brothers life...
    because life is too short... soon there will be no one left...
    he died in action, i plan to follow in his footsteps...

    We are Cattle

    boot camp is crazy, im lazy in this hazy shade of winter...
    back splintered, as if john holmes entered a placenta...
    in this center, sometimes i felt as if id burn and die...
    however this caterpillar gained wings and learned to fly...
    i earned the right to reign in the clouds, i dare rain,...
    to cloud my vision, nothing can stop me in my airplane...
    i strain for war, on thr brink of destruction the world totters...
    and im trained, fed, and prepared for the slaughter...
    my brother would be proud, as he died in iraq...
    i may need an ice pack for my head, but i got my plaque...

    The last full measure

    its rare im scared, but this is the last measure...
    and ill treasure this pleasure down to the last gesture...
    the pressure is wearing me down, but ive got ambition...
    im the tactician and everyone is in the right position...
    on my vocal emission, i can say alot will die...
    i tried my best not to cry cuz i knew i wouldnt survive...
    i grabbed my box knife, threatened to split cowards...
    you know the rest, i crashed the plane into the twin towers...

    Praise Allah!

    Brother, Im Coming Home!
    test
  9. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    nO gOoD! ~ A shorter piece, but nonetheless interesting in it's form as well as in it's content. Great mixture of two stories; one facing afterlife upon being killed in battle, the other a tomb stone, the imagery is quite vivid and interesting.

    ^^Those verses stood out.


    Insanevillian ~ A story with a shocking twist, overall nicely put together, well thought out, read brilliantly, and showed how a personal vendetta births disastrous results. The only part I didn't quite get, was the "as if john holmes entered a placenta..." reference. Also liked the fusion of topics, which covered each other nicely.

    ^^The best part.


    Overall both had great drops.


    Vote ~ nO gOoD!
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  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    NG:
    Sweet opening bars dude, set the mood perfectly – murky shades of blue.. Ended beautifully, so poetic.. This piece read smooth and was well put together.. Structure and vocab where nice I like the internals and a few multis where subtle which is what you want to see when reading a verse.. Story was engaging and pleasant with a nice touch of emotion.. Tight verse..

    IV:
    Hells yeh the old Insane Villain is back.. Dude great piece of writing it starts off through the first two stanzas like you where finishing off NG’s verse with the rest of the story – still not giving the end away.. I’ll tell you something I am sick n tired of hearing dragged out stories on 911 but you surprised me.. The whole time I was unaware that’s what I was reading, which was your design and as a good writer you can hide the twist in plain sight the whole time.. Then you causally drop the climax-bomb and your whole verse is flipped on its head.. Well written piece..

    Vote = IV

    IV’s verse was the best written story I have read all season.. Nice match up guys GL
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  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    NG - Alright. Jennifer visits the grave of Dad. Dad had died in war and the grief is much for Jen as she pays respects. We then flash back to a final speech Dad gives to finalize and say one final thing...

    ^This was clear. The rhymes were good. Nothing hot nothing cold. But this written was a skeleton that needed some muscle to articulate itself. Don't ask me why I critique like this, it must be that your style is very clear and I always want to add to it ?

    What I summarized above would be a great idea to expand on and develop to, though not to just communicate flatly. Let the reader discover things about this situation as they read on. Give Jennifer a world and personality outside the narrator just saying so.

    For example, you opened Jen with some exposition on how she felt only to close with Dad giving a speech. This did two things: it nullified any feelings I had for Jen because you abandoned her, and made the last stanza shallow because that was not built into the purpose of the verse. It was about Jen, right ? Or is this about dad now ?

    I was confused on who to care about, Dad's account the narrator gives of his dying scene or Jen's agony ? Because both were took in a shallow way, both were lost.


    IV - Do Muslims really drink Miller Light or is this in the verse just because caterpillars like them ? ;)

    A seemingly American character pays respects to his fallen brother. A flash back takes us to boot camp where is thoughts are established. We then advance to the character crashing a plane in to the World Towers. He was apparently Muslim. Revenge complete for his brothers death.

    ^Your verse read really smooth and the rhymes were of good taste and felt organic to the piece. Well written. I felt the scope of this verse was too ambitious and broad in scope. You really fell flat of what you wanted to do, because the thoughts of the character were generic and really weren't interesting or important to the build, that came at the very last line.

    The first stanza all we truly know by reading it that the character is upset for some brother who dead. Brother was a good person. How do I know this ? Your plot said so.

    The We are cattle theme to open the second stanza was not found in the verse. He was just saying random feelings. Plot says so. Brother must be avenged. He was good. He was training.

    I noticed that the airplane hints and the destruction coming, well, was going to come.

    The last full measure, just gets to the point with some random feelings. Then Towers are hit. Your plot says so. I really did not care for the character at all. I felt you could have created an atmosphere, give the reader some engagement, some color and a reason to care about the characters gripes. This did not seem authentic.

    Want to know why ? You gave your character zero obstacles, zero challenges and nothing for him to develop on with. You just told us. That was not really interesting. The last line seemed like it was just tossed in and you expected us to react. While you have to let the writing do that, not wishful thinking.


    v- NG
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  12. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

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    aw man.. matcch of the week... NG... i use to always think of u as a decent writer... but years later... uve really really improved and come with some intricate choices in wordplay... and it worked... absolutely was liking ur spot... im not one to dig poetical formats in rhymewriting but ur rhyme reminded me of TRAPEZOID from back in the day.... and i absolutely enjoyed urs.... big big props..

    IV..

    oh man... IV returned.... a bizarre come thru using multiple topics in one whole verse....i did the first stanza approached in a lil off... and whats so unjust is that ur verses are all analyzed each... which sets apart ur last stanza... the last full measure... which i thought was outstanding... the last 2 lines broke me up... amazing ending.... but from years i known u writing... ur vintage IV style carries your narration.... and it sparks.... but ...i gotta give this week to NG... for his brief, but thorough output...

    vote - NG...
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  13. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    NG- very good story. I felt sad for her a bit. Very poetic.
    I'm really trying not to let how we hit the same subject influence my vote.
    but I was irked by the short bar lengths, and the focus on the girl primarily.
    It was an interesting twist, and I really did enjoy the entire story.

    IV- The way you laid everything out was amazing. I had no idea that was coming, and I commend you for ending it with 911. You hit it hard. It was a little overwhelming honestly and I had to stop for a second and then start again because it was just a lot to take in thrown at me so fast. but that's your style and you do it like a CHAMP.

    Win- I.V. - I had no idea what would happen until the line "..twin towers." So, honestly, I'm very impressed in general. The hard hitting lines and unrelenting rhyme scheme's + the twist at the end made my decision.
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  14. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

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    Good – dope verse, very natural flow and composition to it. The rhyme pattern is simplistic but due to the short bars and forward motion of the verse it wasn’t too noticeable. I think the big downfall to your verse was nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I felt like I’ve read something similar before. It was stil enjoyable though.

    Iv – another dope verse, similar topics this week with you two. Your composition and mechanics weren’t as polished as no good’s but you did have a more interesting progression, I like how you broke it down into 3 sections, switching it up throughout. I didn’t anticipate the ending, and before I read that I feel like no good pulled off the better verse.

    Vote – extremely close match. I can see either being worthy of the win, but I must give it to Insane Villian, as his ending gave me more of a satisfaction.
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  15. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    ewwww.. I don't want to have to do this buuuuut:

    -Ng- this style of writing seemed sorta different for you, I never really seen you write A VERSE like this.. it was sorta distant but as for the rhymes and the story i enjoyed it. but back to what i was saying as it was distant. You started off making pretty general statements you drew that in spring she was happy.. but today, all of a sudden she wasn't.. this was because of her visit to her fathers memorial, and I love how you narrate the rest of the story and when i said distant not that its a bad thing, it just felt rushed in that instance although you really capitalized on your usage of imagery and didn't make it seem long winded. I applaud you

    -Insane Villian- I assume you used the "we are cattle" as your topical choice. as did I, and I liked how you really drew an emotional connection to "we are cattle" and the agony of a lost brother and the desperation for revenge forcing him to join the military. although it sounded like he ended up as a fighter pilot . but in the very end it is made aware that indeed he ended up an 9/11 terrorist. therefor he wouldn't have joined a military maybe a militia or a rogue Al-Querida faction. so in that sense the story had minor error's applied, another gripe is that I've read 9/11 rstl verses and although this one is unique, it really didn't do such an historic tale justice imo.. making it almost impossible imo for this verse to be better then -Ng's-

    vote NG
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  16. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  17. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    No Good

    Very nice verse, I enjoyed it very much, the flow was outstanding
    and the imagery was top notch, felt like a very poetic piece,
    here are some standouts imo.


    she stood motionless,
    and couldn't glance back..
    In a trance that,
    fast tracked a flash back..


    I enjoyed this little section

    He was broken and bruised
    Gassed up he was choking the fumes.
    They took a worn, torn rag thats weathered and full of coals
    And beat him to death, riddled him with bullet holes,


    also nice.



    IV

    haha this verse was fire, Throughout the whole verse I was kind
    of expecting the twin towers disaster to be the cause of the
    narraters brothers death, and that the events ocurred after 9/11
    then wow out of nowhere the ending blew up in my face (if you pardon my expression)
    If im been honest i read your verse twice and loved it just as much
    the second time, here are some standouts.

    my fantasy? i plan to attack his killers...
    he wasnt even a butterfly, only a caterpillar...

    in this center, sometimes i felt as if id burn and die...
    however this caterpillar gained wings and learned to fly...


    I really liked the reference that the 2nd line had to the first, it fitted
    perfectly and caught my eye the instant i read it.


    its rare im scared, but this is the last measure...
    and ill treasure this pleasure down to the last gesture...
    the pressure is wearing me down, but ive got ambition...
    im the tactician and everyone is in the right position...
    on my vocal emission, i can say alot will die...
    i tried my best not to cry cuz i knew i wouldnt survive...
    i grabbed my box knife, threatened to split cowards...
    you know the rest, i crashed the plane into the twin towers...



    The whole last segiment was worth quoting imo, nice job


    Overall This was a very nice match, after i read No Goods verse
    i kinda thought he would be getting my vote, but i guess i know
    now that i should never underestimate IV, Im aware he is a top notch
    vet, but cant say ive read much of his work, which i now look
    forward to doing in the future, overall IV gets my vote here

    Vote - IV
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  18. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    So far NG up 4-2 via 2 vote deduct for IV...pasted the same link twice :)

    I got u IV....

    Tied up...will break tie
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  19. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  20. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    NG - This was really good. The flow was on point and the rhymes were solid. The issue i had with this was it was way too short. You really didn't have enough time to bring me into the story. You grabbed me but then ended it. I'm actually pretty pissed you did this to me you hoe lol. Solid verse too, the imagery was amazing and with this topic touching on something you are good at and know about, it felt real.


    IV - Your verse was kind of confusing with your wording in areas. You had stellar lines like this

    "my fantasy? i plan to attack his killers...
    he wasnt even a butterfly, only a caterpillar..."

    but ruined it with lines like

    "ill leave my live in whore, bitch is far from being a wife..."

    The live in whore, felt forced and didn't flow naturally. Still i liked the topic especially with NG's topic. It was enjoyable to read this match up lol. I think your issue here was that the word wasn't as smooth as you could have made it which messed it up. Still a solid story


    Like i said i enjoyed this match up. Personally i liked NG's story but the fact that he didn't really develop anything hurt him in my eyes. IV developed his story but the wording was awkward but the story was still pretty solid. SO my vote goes to IV for having a complete story. IV be careful of your wording, that could have cost you big this week


    V/ IV


    IV up 5-4
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