[Week 3] Galatea(1-0) vs Pent uP(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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  2. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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  3. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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  4. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    Expressionless faces lurking from behind tombs as I enter,
    apathy's weight slowly sinks within my already heavy scepter,
    I force ignored laugter in mandatory grips of mortality,
    erected mossy walls are eternal, but not you, nor me, certainly not humanity.
    Death too, will rip my pair of butterfly wings in countless pieces apart,
    as the inversion of life will leave me laying earthly bound with a pulseless heart.
    Eventually we will all die irrelevant to how we perceive life,
    that's why I strive to live the only gift really given as if it's my last night.

    Flowers in hand I waltz to her grave on the end,
    greeted by giant medieval knights on their stands,
    swords above them, sworn a family crest to defend,
    I sit atop her grave thinking of life and death as a consequence.
    In a trans I see people trying to find mortality's cure,
    who wants to be immortal and endlessly living unsure?
    Death is what makes life eternally appreciated,
    for it's aging that is leaving us frustrated,
    it's the one thing that's able to kill the most iron of will,
    it crawls into your system and lurks for life's energy to steal,
    imagine getting up on a rainy gloomy morning,
    yawning all wrinkled, wearing a messy retro attire,
    pushed to the side, as the aging minority no one is willing to hire,
    it'll be sad when a husband's penis will refuse to function in bed,
    the right hand won't catch a fly in the sky anymore,
    having to sleep with senile doctors to get drivers permit approved for sure,
    getting beaten in tennis by a friend, and then a younger brother,
    losing a match of badminton to a teenager you'll soon discover,
    that a boxing match on Sunday will make you run out of the ring for cover,
    this is how death begins, she takes away your sports and grins,
    passes you perscription glasses since you'll need to read,
    reminiscing back on that laser vision you had as a kid,
    always sick and bed bound is what one will be,
    why on Earth death, would you inflict such pain upon me?
    I won't go down easy, you'll have to fight me, you see,
    because only fools will surrender blindly,
    so when the time comes, come and find me.

    Cold air smelling of saturated sulfur sends chills down my spine,
    intoxicated from thinking I return to granny's tomb near the Rhine,
    the opium of philosophizing leaves me disrespecting her time,
    as well as mine, I should put flowers I'm holding into the vase,
    take the old ones out and get out of this morbid place.
    Until next time I visit, disturbing her private rotting space,
    with the opium of knowing that nothing is absolute nor forever.​



    Topic
    "We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it's forever." -Carl Sagan

    Scene
    You're standing at a grave... what thoughts feelings rush through your mind.. what happens... Expand.
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  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    We Are Cattle
    Genetically herded
    He's downtown - the crowd's loud: booing and bitching.
    They don't like that he's six-two -crouching in his shooting position.
    His game is aimed at schooling the children
    with the lowest percentage of accumulative misses.
    Hoops and baskets - he runs the court like his moves are magic;
    Footwork with confusing patterns that leave boxers woozy at it.
    He shoots like addicts - smooth and rappid - maintaining the heat
    while the use of balance explodes the giant veins on his feet.

    Fate is discrete in gracefully shaping physique
    and filling his lineage with these skills that make him complete.
    His fam stress' fame - he's their plan - set to pay;
    Never realizing where his fam gets their name,
    where his ancestors lay in ashen scattered remains -
    their facts or their face, or how his ancestors slaved.
    Black, sweating, strained - praying the lord seems appeased -
    Blood poured from their feet while they're scorching from heat.
    He's just some kind of unbridled force on the court - he's a beast.
    Never passed to score - back and forth - frees and threes.
    He holds the rock like he might wife the basket.
    No highlight is average; He high fives the glass bit
    while he takes it to the hole to survive like a savage -
    putting it in so hard it ignites lights that shatter.
    Waiting to enter fame where they pay him to win them games
    - his tight clutch'll move him right up to playing the center stage.

    The ancestors spent their days aching with tendons strained
    until their masters approved raping the women slaves.
    Tasting on pleasure's frame while cursed as a sinner -
    immersed in her inners like he was working for dinner.
    Thrusting between her gushing curtains and kitten -
    it got where you couldnt discern between the squirms and the shivers.
    She held onto the bedpost like it was a dying parent
    - and it continued until she looked wide and bearing.
    His practicing made faculty smile and cherish
    how hard working he was while all of his prize was merit.
    Highly arrogant; The way he navigates each hole and open inch
    you could tell he learned to escape that broken home of his.
    He ducks and dekes making the opposition look froze on opiates
    and when he finishes strong there's no lowly showmanship.
    He's a slave to the game but the way he carries the ball is free -
    He's not running off skill, he's running off inherited qualities.

    The raped slave birthed that boys grandfather and ran
    to a place where the white devils cant bother her fam.
    As free as she can until segregation would see that its damned.
    Raising a lineage that's good on their feet with their hands.
    He's clutch and barely using muscle memory that masks his speed;
    He doesnt know how he got these moves like assassins creed.
    He's six-two; crouching in his shooting position
    and he feels every fiber of every human within him.

    "We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it's forever." -Carl Sagan
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  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    galatea... your a great writer but u have little hip hop in your verse.... no multis, no inner bar rhyming... against someone else who doesnt have that, your writing abilities could almost win every time.... u have good visuals, metaphors...just not great with the overall presentation of rhyming ability and since this is a rap league, i feel that rhyming should be important...

    pent up on the other hand told a great story with hip hop flair... multis throughout, no stretched lines even though i was a tad bit confused here

    He holds the rock like he might wife the basket.

    wife the basket? i have no clue what the means unless your trying to imply being married to the game... still kinda out of place imo... i understand you were trying to rhyme and its a rare forced rhyme by you...

    overall, i enjoyed reading pent ups story more as it had a clever rhyme scheme in it... galatea came strong, but she needs to incorporate more of a rhyme scheme to compete with talented rhymers...

    vote pent up...

    sometimes you will face an opponent you cant "outrhyme" but as long as your rhymes are clever and you have a good plot and climax... it could keep you in the game... id start with inner bar rhyming first galatea and gooo on from there...

    good battle yall
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Gal - The imagery was really good here and i thought you did a lot of good things here with your flow and clarity of your work. The thing you have to iron out is the awkward wording you have in some of your lines. For example when you use words like "for sure", it makes the piece sound cheesy because it just feels out of place. Also there were lines were you could cut down. "erected mossy walls are eternal, but not you, nor me, certainly not humanity." could be been cut down to erected mossy walls are eternal, unlike the wills of humanity. Just a quick fill in but you can see how eliminating pointless words and putting other words can get your same point across without it becoming too wordy. Still a good story and i enjoyed it.


    Pent uP - This was a solid story. It was well written and the flow was on point. The topic was a very difficult topic to really do successfully because you have to balance out storyline out so it doesn't become boring for the reader. I thought you did well. The topic actually was tied in a lot better this time than before. The verse was smooth and it wasn't utterly boring or confusing. The imagery was solid as well. Overall a solid story. good work.


    V/ Pent uP - his story was a little more entertaining and more polished
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Gal:
    Your imagery is top shelf, this is what drives your verse.. Your strong vocab helped carrier this verse down the path you where taking.. Your opening stanza was hot as was you final one but after reading the intro I was stuck from metaphors that this verse was going to be a medi-evil/fantasy story which if you kept going would have blown my mind in the style you write.. The transfer over to topical was a little abrupt like one minute it was smooth and poetic then the next it was these hard hitting ideas on modern day/life and death.. But don’t get me wrong you made your point perfectly you just need to ease the reader in during a switch.. Still cool verse all in all and im glad someone with such a strong poetic nature is in the league, it will make for some brilliant reads..

    Pent:
    Dude opening stanza tight and your second stanza hit just as hard.. The next two weren’t as strong structure wise with no new revelations.. I’m assuming this is kobe Bryant from the second stanza but you didn’t clear it could be several ballers.. Anywhoot strong vocab and some crazy internals, your multis where nice too.. Definitely you’re a strong writer but nothing in the way of originality like your last verse still a nice drop though..

    Vote = Galatea

    It came down to this pents first two well structured and delivered stanzas verse Gals highly potent, imagery driven opening/closing stanzas.. So pent showed his more lyrical flow and structure while Gal showed her beautifully written metaphors.. in the end I preferred Gals painted picture.. great match definitely lived up to the hype.. GL
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  9. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    G - unique spin on the enemy of death...I liked how you opened with the grave visit then you transition to some thoughts that the situation provokes. A good pondering and exploration of the topic at hand. The close was good too. It brought us full circle and closed out with current thoughts that wrap up the middle verse that explored it all to pretty good depths. You could have dug more , but that is not for me to say.

    Until next time I visit, disturbing her private rotting space,
    with the opium of knowing that nothing is absolute nor forever.


    Are you absolutely sure about this ?

    The meat of this written for me was the comparison of the aging. You used some good examples but if you were to tie this in with grandma some how more that would have been even better imo

    good verse though


    pent - Hm, interesting. Carl Pagan, I mean Sagan was a evolutionist and I see this religious world view all over this verse. The black kid was genetically bred to be be the super human in sports because of the selection the slave trade placed on him...This is ridiculous imo, but you captured it well and it was actually a three fold concept.

    1. Sagan the evolutionist and that theme
    2. Slave trade breeds the black superman
    3. black kid is genetically Superior and story is hashed form this in sport

    Good concept, good delivery.


    v -pent
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Pent up 3-1
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  11. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Galatea

    Very nice verse indeed, the flow was nice, apart from one line i think
    which didnt seem to fit in rhymewise,great vocab and fantastic imagery
    loved it.


    yawning all wrinkled, wearing a messy retro attire,
    pushed to the side, as the aging minority no one is willing to hire,
    it'll be sad when a husband's penis will refuse to function in bed,
    the right hand won't catch a fly in the sky anymore,
    having to sleep with senile doctors to get drivers permit approved for sure,


    its the 3rd line down, just didnt rhyme, still nicely put tho.

    Cold air smelling of saturated sulfur sends chills down my spine

    great imagery


    Pent Up

    You told a great story here, i very much enjoyed it. flow was on point
    and the structure was nice, the layout also intrigued me upon first
    glance, nice job

    where his ancestors lay in ashen scattered remains -
    their facts or their face, or how his ancestors slaved.
    Black, sweating, strained - praying the lord seems appeased -
    Blood poured from their feet while they're scorching from heat.


    great imagery

    Overall this was a nice match up, Galatea's verse would of pretty
    much gained the win any other week but on this occasion i was
    just feeling pents verse that little bit more, have to admit im
    a bit dissapointed that Gal has signed out of the league, defo
    a future champion imo, just hope its a temp thing and that she
    will sign back in soon =) good match here


    Vote - Pent
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  12. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    Pent Up-
    tbh, I got mad when I read that. the blatant bigotry ... meh. w/e works for you..
    siiiick flow. i especially liked the first stanza, and also with the persons ancestors. I think it's a bit funny in the end, the whole plot, with the topic ..all in all you pissed me off and did a damn good job. lol @ while the use of balance explodes the giant veins on his feet.
    while .. ones like
    Highly arrogant; The way he navigates each hole and open inch
    you could tell he learned to escape that broken home of his.

    I just can't commend you on..take it as you will.
    you've angered me, made me laugh, and entertained me. thank you.

    Galatea- ... that was real talk.. it was a very strong story. I can't say any part could be done without, because the entire piece fits together well. it's sad. but I don't mind sad. you brought a completely different style and came haaaard with the imagery...
    I can't stress enough.. I hope to read some more of your stuff in the near future.
    only, the bar length's in the beginning started off a little odd, using modifiers like "certainly" in front of not humanity threw me off a little bit.
    that's my only complaint.

    overall, I did not want to have to choose between the two.
    completely different styles, not very comparable.. both great in their own ways.
    their own very specific ways. good match.

    win- pent . he actually made me angry.. i don't know. i enjoyed it really. i laughed, was sad.. that's a roller coaster of a read for the win. it was so close though.
    hard to appreciate in that form.. but still appreciated.
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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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