[Week 3] Cereal_Killer(1-0) vs DeadKing(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    in..

    another great match up..

    gl..
    test
  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Topic: Life is a struggle especially when you're forced to kill!


    Rise of the Phoenix
    (The Prequel)
    ..
    In a world torn by warlords, anarchy and an alchemist
    Lie’s a girl born in torment, dawning in this propelled abyss
    As organs orphan their original shell they rest
    I’m held in sweat, blood and the smell of death
    Let the phoenix rise by the falling of the blue-moon
    Like the free shift of a mantis crawling from its cocoon
    If you study the past, it will divine your futures life
    While I move through mountains morally crucified
    To survive I have pillaged, plundered and plagued
    To finally put to rest, an empress under her grave
    ..

    On the millet plains is where I harvest this grass
    Starving, as food rot’s in the emerald chamber of glass
    Our vast land concurred crashing the Confucius quotes of my youth
    Now this cock fight for plot rights has this roster moved from its coop
    We must bleed the rhizome, yet these roots are deeply immune
    Amputation’s a punishment now false legs are cheaper then shoes
    No headstone or tomb could fence the first bullet I form
    With the scent of sulphur and charcoal as stark as the morn
    To charge and explore with gunpowder supplied, no holsters
    We farmers take arms with the free world on our shoulders
    Our village is over run, over populated and once unprepared
    Now we help revolt before they sell their souls with their wares
    Even Hell won’t compare to when we unfold with our snares
    As a guard kneels cold like our commanders hold on despair
    He tilts back and fires blowing the smoke from the barrel
    With his black attire soaking, he gloats with a cackle
    Through town to town we penetrate bone so fresh
    Our hope reflects in the throne of gems we will own and clench
    Each throat we choke and mesh with clothes there’s no amends
    ‘Til their broke and bent with their haemoglobin soaking flesh
    Fear runs rampant, a rumbling brook of reverence
    They’re shook as we’re measured and hooked on severance
    Now we stand before those political pressures sent so precious
    As I a lowly alchemist have turned pistons into treasures
    Yes this farmer knows more than the methods of planting
    I’ve created a device that will divide life when branded
    Graced by the blaze it showers, it could open up heaven’s gate
    But we only need it to devour the power of this present state
    We wait outside the palace to challenge this imperial decay
    As we set up next to the trebuchet for our first aerial display
    With distaste this naive visionary virally dispenses hate
    In the form of flames we break through their defensive plate
    Storming the yard with no time for morning, we laugh
    Through torment we’re coursing for half their fortune.. and past
    Marked for death their pealing flesh is slung at the buildings crest
    I pry inside their caisson, under its spider web ceiling, blessed
    When I see her, this goddess with a pregnant belly below her robe
    The empress from the Forbidden City as pure as the winter’s snow
    Kill her - I hear bellow from across the marble floors
    But I tense as she struggles to storm towards the bathroom door
    Like a harpoon drawn my hand is erect. My mind is vile
    Even under fire I cannot bring death to an unborn child
    I take her hand in defence to escape death on this day
    But fate would twist then break as she gets wrenched by a stray
    From a distance I hear the words whispered - your debt will be paid
    Whilst we jet through the mountains stretched, to rest where we lay
    The empress’s body draws cold as the blue-moon awakes
    Her contractions move soon to create a birth place and a grave
    The warmth inside her soul is engulfed with flames for the incline
    As the wings of this Phoenix thrive and transfix within the sky
    I hold this tiny girl and vow to protect her innocence before pride
    She is the enemy but i will fight to delay the day they re-unite
    ..
    The End
    ..​
    test
  4. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    checking in
    test
  5. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    test
  6. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    sorry for delay, i am currently in asia...


    The last full measure


    I’m genetically predisposed with pacifistic nodes
    embedded in my mind, but was never diagnosed
    Exposed to a vapor in a cryogenic chamber
    that altered the axial configuration of my layers
    Grandiose in nature, my DNA endangered,
    all my neuron fibers evaporated inside the lair
    confiscated there, my matter was destroyed,
    and witnessed by my cohorts who couldn't hear my voice
    who watched me through the void of a glass that was poised,
    center of the door they secured with no choice
    from that day forward, i'd never die again,
    or share any similarities with any normal man
    as the subatomic particles began to reconverge
    inside the same facility where the accident occurred
    paranormal activity, when really it was me,
    trying to gather all my thoughts and nucleaic energy
    visions that were haunted were constantly spotted,
    but it was me who was scared.. to be perfectly honest

    [​IMG]

    but slowly i reveled in the way i reassembled,
    it was like my brain now operated on an alien level
    bordering on godly, but god's irrelevant,
    easily dismissed with advanced intelligence
    the paladins of war at the security core,
    inside the pentagon and beneath the floor
    were creating an illusion, and losing,
    a war in Vietnam that the public found confusing
    so i joined a cause, i didn't fully support,
    killing everything on their side of the war
    at first the worst was inhabition with the mission,
    cursed to work at limited scopes of vision
    until permission i needed became ignored and deleted,
    i never cared for the victims of anyone defeated
    so i turned my force against my own, not my country, but my planet.
    and roamed the globe,
    killing every single person that this world could inhabit
    slowly but surely, i eradicated all
    and reversed the process of how we evolved.

    Sincerly,
    Dr. Manhattan



    [​IMG]

    test
  7. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
    Messages:
    31,440
    Cereal_Killer ~ This piece was packed with descriptive imagery that very well poured into the emotional aspect of it and the content followed the chosen topic rather amazingly.

    ^^This would be the most powerful part of it.


    DeadKing ~ That was a sweet piece, read fluidly, the content was neatly displayed, transparent as well as the overall imagery gave it a special touch.
    The only thing that doesn't sit well with me is the ending...who gets to read Dr. Manhattans writing if there's no one left?

    ^Especially liked the last part.



    Vote ~ Cereal_Killer
    test
  8. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    CK - The one thing I have to say you're really good at - really really good at sometimes - is using the correct writers voice and vocab. I'm guessing you might read a lot. It makes for a very in depth verse. sometimes predictable, but in depth, and thats proper. The thing I didnt like about this verse is it dragged a little. The story itself was cool - I especially liked the descriptions of this world where prosthetic limbs were cheaper than shoes because of how often legs were cut, how the alchemists and farmers are controlling everything. Its a cool world - great descriptions. I think you falter in some word usage/rhyming but then again you're australian so I can see how we'd disagree there. anyways, stellar verse and a proper open ended ending.

    Deadking - haha man I liked the twist. Just one thing doesnt make sense - if he killed everyone..who's he writing a letter to? lol. I think in that sense you could have made it more 2nd/3rd person and have more action to it instead of it being a letter. I liked how you set up his creation to his intervening though. it was a really good set of sequences. I thoroughly enjoyed this verse; I could nit pick the wording in some spots - specifically ones that related to your rhyming, but in reality everything came across and the only big downfall I feel is that there wasn't as much action/imagery that made it MOVE. besides that man, great verse.


    Overall - This is probably the closest match of the week, and I regret coming in here to vote (lol). Both had great verses with concepts that engaged me - both used accurate language, for the most part, and had a nice surprise at the end. I feel like Cereal killer had the better the imagery, whereas Deadking had the more entertaining concept. it's really hard to pick a winner here, at least for me. What I suppose is most important at this point is CK used what i assume is the entire line limit, and it felt slow for a while, whereas DK used maybe 3/4 of the line limit and kept me engaged the whole time - not wasting time with irrelevant details and making everything cohesive. I think for that, I have to give it to

    Deadking
    in a really close one.
    test
  9. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    CK - You wrote this. You created this world. You are a expert in its culture and know the laws. I'm the reader, I'm not an expert in all of this relevant stuff going on it the verse. I was lost. Just so much going on boom, boom, line after line, boom, boom. I think you should not hash out details before they are at least palatable to the reader and developed before moving on the next line give, only to give more exposition, boom, boom.

    I really did not get this ....

    On my second read I could piece together the action. There was epic stuff going on I sensed, and I felt I was watching from a distance rather than front row. TBH.

    Still, flow was hot, rhymes were great. Some lines were brilliant, you had many. But so much going on that I just don't know what to say, cos I don't get it. To really give a critique I would have to master this verse in great details. I don't have that many hours. lol. You know what, my writing is not clear as crystal either this week. But I'm the reader here ;)



    Dead - I really enjoyed this verse.

    The character is like Frankenstein's monster in that his present state was created by man. In your case he is not only a monster (that was only a decision made by the character to become one in the end), but you are a super intelligent being instead, you are more than who created you, unlike Frankenstein's monster. I liked that, but what I enjoyed was that because of this intelligence nothing would satisfy in working with the men that created him . No. You wanted more, you wanted the world.

    That was a scary thought. Only because you developed that point well:

    the paladins of war at the security core,
    inside the pentagon and beneath the floor
    were creating an illusion, and losing,
    a war in Vietnam that the public found confusing
    so i joined a cause, i didn't fully support,
    killing everything on their side of the war

    and

    at first the worst was inhabition with the mission,
    cursed to work at limited scopes of vision
    until permission i needed became ignored and deleted,
    i never cared for the victims of anyone defeated
    so i turned my force against my own, not my country, but my planet


    Overall not much to critique. I felt you had a nice balance of poetic devices and rhymes with good pacing and storytelling.


    v- dead
    test
  10. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    CK-'Marked for death their pealing flesh is slung at the buildings crest'
    bam. punchy. with some mood manipulation involved. my favorite line of them all.

    I think it was good all the way. Not a specific point I can say I didn't like.
    setting the scene/mood with lines like..
    "I’m held in sweat, blood and the smell of death"

    set the mood. the story was very good, I was impressed by the ending line.

    Now this cock fight for plot rights has this roster moved from its coop
    We must bleed the rhizome, yet these roots are deeply immune
    Amputation’s a punishment now false legs are cheaper then shoes
    No headstone or tomb could fence the first bullet I form
    With the scent of sulphur and charcoal as stark as the morn
    To charge and explore with gunpowder supplied, no holsters
    We farmers take arms with the free world on our shoulders


    made me realize how good you actually are with words.
    I mean really, firm handshake.
    It took me a while to go through and figure out what I felt it might benefit from as a whole.. I just started reading everyone votes and realized it was commonplace.
    .. I did lose focus about halfway through. someone else mentioned it was a drag to go all the way through, making a pointed statement on that to add to the point.

    changing up the bar length occasionally makes it easier on the reader, and also changes the feel of it. starting with less words with more meaning/depth, get's the reader interested. ups and downs in the beat of ancient war drums motivated soldiers similarly.the slow parts and the fast parts of movies have music to match the moods.I see it in many books even, and it works especially well in topical poetry.
    that said, hoping to not sound condescending to a superior writer,you told a magnificent story. not a complaint.

    Dead King-
    "I’m genetically predisposed with pacifistic nodes
    embedded in my mind, but was never diagnosed
    Exposed to a vapor in a cryogenic chamber
    that altered the axial configuration of my layers
    Grandiose in nature, my DNA endangered,
    all my neuron fibers evaporated inside the lair
    confiscated there, my matter was destroyed,
    and witnessed by my cohorts who couldn't hear my voice
    who watched me through the void of a glass that was poised,
    "

    great flow + the vocab and sentence structure of green part especially made it a good intro that drew me in.

    I almost began to believe you were making a reference to technology.. but I'm pretty sure this was one individual with some superpowers that weren't elaborated on.. I didn't know how this super soldier was improved..
    PM me if you meant differently? I am wondering.
    also, I would have enjoyed all the different ways you could use supernatural powers for "reverse evolution."

    win- ... CK. I enjoyed the end more, and I would have voted against you if you weren't so damn good. It was long, and I did take a smoke break halfway through. but I re-read them both several times because of how close it was. So, very.. close.
    If the character development had been stronger in DK's, or the conclusion more elaborate or descriptive, it would have swayed it his way because of the easy read.
    Cereal Killer for many reasons.. the consistent imagery and tragic/open ended conclusion, as well as it's complexity.
    3 hour decision.
    test
  11. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,243
    CK - pretty dope piece here. your vocab and writers voice are so damn intricate sometimes is hard to follow. In this piece, I thought it was pretty balanced

    I loved this section ..

    "We must bleed the rhizome, yet these roots are deeply immune
    Amputation’s a punishment now false legs are cheaper then shoes
    No headstone or tomb could fence the first bullet I form
    With the scent of sulphur and charcoal as stark as the morn"

    I thought the flow to this was great, although in some parts I found the vocab almost too strong and it caused the flow to slow up a bit. overall though I thought this was really really good.

    Dead - I don't think Ive read your works before, I was impressed with this here. some pretty killer vocab, and your rhymes were nice. In some parts though the rhyming wasn't so good. and I had to re-read a few lines to get the flow back like here..

    "..Exposed to a vapor in a cryogenic chamber
    that altered the axial configuration of my layers
    Grandiose in nature, my DNA endangered,
    all my neuron fibers evaporated inside the lair.."

    could be slant rhymes somewhat but I felt that it didn't fit as tight as it could. Pretty solid piece though, the storytelling way great, refreshing read.

    v - dead
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  12. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    test
  13. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Cereal Killer

    Wow, that all that springs to mind at this moment lol, 'Prachett' has 'discworld'
    'Tolkein' has 'Middle-earth' Now im kinda thinking whats this world that you
    have created called? absolutley outstanding verse, you have improved to the
    point where im dreading the day we meet, the flow was top notch and the whole
    story kept me gripped and if im been honest hoping for more.


    In a world torn by warlords, anarchy and an alchemist
    Lie’s a girl born in torment, dawning in this propelled abyss
    As organs orphan their original shell they rest
    I’m held in sweat, blood and the smell of death


    right from the off you drew me into this world


    Marked for death their pealing flesh is slung at the buildings crest
    I pry inside their caisson, under its spider web ceiling, blessed
    When I see her, this goddess with a pregnant belly below her robe
    The empress from the Forbidden City as pure as the winter’s snow


    truely beautiful.




    Deadking

    Another wow here, the way this piece was worded and flow was amazing
    Ive only seen the watchmen once or twice i think, but this described
    Dr. Manhatten to a tee (hope im right in assuming this is who your
    verse was based on) very beautifuly written and i cant find any faults
    at all, nice job.


    Exposed to a vapor in a cryogenic chamber
    that altered the axial configuration of my layers
    Grandiose in nature, my DNA endangered,
    all my neuron fibers evaporated inside the lair


    Very nice

    the paladins of war at the security core,
    inside the pentagon and beneath the floor
    were creating an illusion, and losing,
    a war in Vietnam that the public found confusing


    Loved it


    Well first of all id like to say a big fuck you, to you both lol, its
    hard enough voting without coming across such a fantastic match up and
    having to choose a winner, but also i thank you for bringing such a fantasic
    match up to the table and really doing the rstl full credit. For me the only
    thing that sways it is the world that Ck created, it drew me in slightly more
    than Deads verse did. This could easy go either way but i have to vote on the
    one i perfered (altho i hate using that term) great match up and i have a feeling
    that you two will have a lot of battles together in the future.


    Vote - CK
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Quick vote

    CK - This was a very well written story, the wording was perfect and all the mechanics were great. The only thing that was not up to that level had nothing to do with you. With the way i've been stressing this weekend, it didn't really strike me as super entertaining or anything but you certainly controlled the reader, as in, I saw what you wanted which was amazing. Nicely done


    Dead - This was impressive as well. The story was good and progressed at a nice rate. I actually enjoyed the direction you took the topics. The wording wasn't as good as Cereal's but the concept was still nice.


    Overall a very close match up. I really don't know who i should vote for really, CK really showed off his talent in this one while Dead wrote a good story. My vote goes to Dead for having the better story...solid performance by both and i apologize for the brief vote..


    V/ Dead
    test
  15. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Dead up 4-3
    test
  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)