[Week 3] breathless(0-2) vs Anaphora(0-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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    test
  2. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    No show verse, will post one (mostly) from the first picture if breathless shows/I don't get stuck at work too late tonight if I get called in... should be able to make it back before midnight though... This will be my vote thread also.

    The musician scribbles notes like dribbles soak through the page
    Coasting with rage he remains unhappy and broke though a sage
    Minutes before he finished the score he laughed: total pleasure
    He already scrawled heavily the genius and heady last full measure.
    test
  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Deadly Rebirth

    sort of combined, mixed and twisted scenarios, as i am prone to doing

    Your standing at a grave... what thoughts feelings rush through your mind.. what happens... Expand.

    with

    Just like the rest of us...you life sucks. But unlike the rest of us...your a fucking maniac. After rumors of you getting fired circulate around the office...you pack a backpack full of weapons to exact your revenge...what do you bring? What the fuck happens?

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------


    I came along a thought that crosses minds
    lots a' times prior, but caught my eye
    death is either nothin', or awful fine
    when ya die you're done in, or thoughts survive
    so what if ya go out with a want for life?
    I pondered so long 'til I lost the sight
    of anything wrong an' I felt it was right
    there was too many flaws to get dealt in one life

    It all was in autumn, september, at night
    I busted in the swine shop at seven to five
    rushed up to nine cops with pellet guns tied
    to my palms and a bomb they could tell was alive
    exposed under my coat, with a beretta, a knife
    an' twenty one full clips, I was ready to die
    my gun was unholstered with plenty of time
    for anyone right in their head to decide
    to stop, then I shot, an' hit the final straw
    pistols sighted all a' my limbs an' vital spots
    they're sittin' by to watch what I'd do an' I saw this, good
    so I moved, and it all went through like I thought it would

    next time I drew breath was back at my funeral
    quick liftin' lids a' my casket, I soon arose
    sat up on the satin and laughed as I viewed the whole
    audience all at once gasp at a human fulla
    bullets, who's conscious, after they knew he died,
    watched him pass on, the facts are all true but I
    knew this would happen, I planned for this suicide
    a proven road to travel, the path of my newest life
    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    breath - It almost seems in the first stanza that the narrator is actually wondering what's on the other side...so he decides to go find out only for that reason. Thats takes a foolish heart, nerves and a trust in what's going to happen after you drop dead.

    Interesting take on the topic. Though massively overdone, I think you added a fresh element in that it was sort of like an science experiment for the foolish character to take on. At least that's what I thought while reading.


    The second stanza was 100% cliché. Nothing was fresh and it was obvious filler but effective only that it had to be said. Develop your character uniquely, unfold the story and add fresh insights all at the same time. This was just a basic spit.


    Third paragraph. Interesting concept, you were right about your hypothesis. You are alive in some other dimension or astral plane (whatever you pagans think these days)...but actually it was totally uninspiring. Though neat, but for nothing close to being engaging and impressive to the reader. IN fact each stanza was flat, but as a whole this was pretty interesting, only because the science experiment aspect, not the imagery or the way you delivered it.

    But I'll answer the question the written poses. It's hell or heaven. You decide today. Smoking or non ?
    test
  5. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    lol.. good job breath.. hopefully you get some comp next week...

    anaphora.. you best drop the fire and stop tryna wait for ur comp..
    test
  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    Very fluid.. just brought me along the trip with you looking at it happen from the outside. the rhymes were top-notch... a good story , told effectively, but it did lack emotion.
    which was interesting, as if you were better off that way. connecting me to the heaven concepts. so if you did the flatness on purpose.. that was really dope.
    even if that wasn't the intent it still read well. gj . i kinda enjoyed the lack of intent to manipulate the audience. er imagery . it was different, your shit. keep doin what your doin.
    test
  7. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    breathless - this was really good. I've really took a strong liking to your verse. some nice multies, clever. your story was really told well. I like the emotions that were captured throughout your verse. Good drop here, I'd like to see you compete with someone seasoned here soon. :)

    well done
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breathless wins :)
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Breath wins
    test
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