[Week 29] 9. Mrjdm998(3-3) vs 10. Heart Cloaker(0-2) vs 11. TheRyeCatcher(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 14, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 se
    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

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    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

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    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. TheRyeCatcher

    TheRyeCatcher New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2011
    Messages:
    4
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  3. TheRyeCatcher

    TheRyeCatcher New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2011
    Messages:
    4
    The Dentist

    The money's good.
    It's kind of funny but it doesn't help as much as it should
    It's my mantra of denial
    I chant it as I poke around another rotting smile
    It's a form of self-hypnosis
    It helps me deal with all their black decay and halitosis
    The money's good
    Do proctologists repeat that as often a day as I would?
    I hate my profession
    I hate every minute of every single session
    I hate my patients most of all
    And I hear their hate for me when they come to call
    I ask them if they've brushed
    Then the lie comes, well rehearsed but a little rushed

    "I brush in the morning and at night, see"

    And I wonder if they are stupid, or if they just think I might be
    I want to scream

    "I'm about to look at your teeth, and I'll see that you don't clean"

    Just tell me straight

    "I'm a lazy prick, and I brush maybe one day in every eight
    You told me to brush more too
    I considered that, but I decided that instead, I would ignore you"

    I like to give bad news
    Some dentists are distressed by it; I'm always amused
    I mean, let's be real
    This shit is self-inflicted, how bad should I really feel?

    "Well sir, every tooth has rotted
    And if i had to guess, I'd say that every artery has also clotted
    You see, you eat crap
    Now to be perfectly honest, you're not paying me to care about that
    But you don't brush after
    And you ARE paying me to care about that disaster
    You abuse your mouth
    The kind of abuse people fought for in the South
    It is that abuse you have hurled
    The kind of abuse McDonalds deals out to the kids of the First World
    This abuse is sort of wild
    The sort of abuse a stepfather might dole out to a red-headed stepchild
    Your mouth is an obscentiy
    It's the kind of landscape that would be left after World War Three"

    The patient talks as his yellow teeth gleam
    "What can be done so I look good on the dating scene?"

    "Sir, as to what you ask
    Plastic surgery is not advanced enough for that task
    And even if it does not fail
    I don't think they can liposuction a man the size of a blue whale
    And even if we have reached that golden age
    I'm certain personality transplants are still at the experimental stage"

    "Oh, you were talking about your mouth
    Well, of your many problems, that's the easiest to sort out
    Simply keep your mouth shut
    And I mean ALL the time, not one single 'if' or 'but'
    This will make it hard to speak
    Which will conceal your personality, and make girls easier to keep
    It will also make it hard to eat it appears
    Luckily you can live off your own fat reserves for many years
    Look at how much I have helped you
    Oh, you want me to FIX your teeth? That I won't do
    I warned you for years to brush every night
    Now your teeth are rotten, and guess what; It serves you right!"

    Of course, we don't say this to you
    Think of your own dentist, he would never be so rude
    But we all think these things more than we should
    But the one thing we keep thinking most of all? At least the money's good.












    Topic: You are a dentist and you hate your patient.
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  4. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2011
    Messages:
    7,040
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  5. HeartCloaker

    HeartCloaker Winter is coming

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Messages:
    221
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  6. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2011
    Messages:
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    [​IMG]

    This is return pod seven preparing to descend
    My forty-six year exploration trip has come to an end
    My mission was to research the behaviour of the human race
    So we may decide if we shall destroy their planet or make contact from outer-space
    Human beings have advanced from our last two fact-finding missions
    They have made leaps and bounds their brains are now much more proficient
    They have began to create sounds and pictures far more advanced than ours
    But now pollute their atmosphere using machinery and motor cars
    While half the globe lives in luxury and health to put it bluntly
    The other half dies from horrible diseases and regularly goes hungry
    To make up for this the wealthy half sometimes gives riches to charity
    But it's such a rarity to get parity they would need to share on regularity
    They still divide their world apart into different factions
    Making mostly hostile interactions or shady businesses transactions
    Whenever a genocide or war happens there are almost no sanctions
    Countries are too scared of each other to possibly upset others with their reactions
    Despite what is often believed there are still wars fought based on religion and race
    As each order believes they have the true knowledge base despite no knowledge of outer space
    Or knowledge of their creation that to me is a disgrace
    Their species know little of themselves they seem to think it all just fell into place
    Despite all of this I think that mankind is good at heart
    Even despite their obsession with the various forms of art
    Every day new progress is made towards solving their issues
    Whether it be many humans substance abuse or censorship from the news
    It appears most of the major factions hold a cautious truce
    Many criminals are hidden in recluse and if caught are no longer executed by the noose
    Despite their flaws and weaknesses my final decision on this group of beings
    Is to see how they go for the next few hundred years and continue occasional meetings

    Who knows, they could pan out
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  7. HeartCloaker

    HeartCloaker Winter is coming

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Messages:
    221
    Std

    The topic I choose is STD. That stands for Super Transexual Duties. Prepare yourself for the grandest story of Silentt L (AKA "Tranny Love") You've ever heard.


    J/K

    [​IMG]
    In my time I've seen all sorts and manner of men.
    Some genius but others, like Ja, blander with pens.
    You can see how Thugnificent grabs his crotch.
    Proof I visit him, giving no cure so his ass is lost.
    You could find my remnants on the cane of snoop.
    I am spread by many humans whom came aloof.
    You can easily catch me just by sharing a piece.
    The deadliest women were sluts carrying me.
    [​IMG]
    I am an STD but not just any, the best there be.
    Now that you've heard my nature gain more myth
    Like many hypothesized I came from rain forest.
    [​IMG]
    A crafty entity loved forest and saw man's menace.
    Student passing master, machine lumberjack's apprentice.
    And oh did machine surpass man, destroying fast.
    Soiling earth's soil, and who could let the soiling last?
    Not the entity which perched high to sorely watch.
    [​IMG]
    No, it could not tolerate this desecration for economy.
    So it placed disease in animal, knowing of mans sodomy.
    [​IMG]
    Yes, that disease was me, oh, so agreed to be.
    And yes man as expected performed it's sodomy.
    [​IMG]
    And that human spread me to more ethical ones.
    By slippage into holes that are next to the buns.
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    And even you will oneday meet a cute little girl.
    You'll be smitten but this shall uproot your whole world.
    [​IMG]
    She will give you to me, or me to you, whichever way.
    Annoying to you that how I got her she'll never say.
    [​IMG]
    But you and her will both be mine in my time!
    It is to be glorious- how I see thy lie in my mind.
    But for you it should be shameful, do despise
    Your women knowingly spread me to unelusive guys.
    [​IMG]
    Guys easily bedded get me and of course spread me.
    Making home pornography with bitches force-fed me.
    [​IMG]
    Did I mention the symptoms? They're truly upsetting.
    You'd hardly look human just in their onsetting.
    [​IMG]
    But the onset can take years, in which I'm transmitted.
    Didn't know you fucked a tran? Didn't know the tran gifted.
    [​IMG]
    Gifted you to me~ making your sweet angel's cry.
    Then seeing their tears infected they give anguished "WHYYYY"s.
    [​IMG]
    I'll tell the answer; I want to take back the world.
    But you just destroy with disgrace so my hatred unfurls.
    [​IMG]
    and it was her who crafted me, yes, mother earth.
    My mother who felt the brunt of your plunders worst.
    Your mistakes were bad and her your blunders hurt.
    You should have been peaceful with trees, sure.
    [​IMG]
    Should have cared for even the most insignificant creature.
    [​IMG]

    I just wanted to use all the pictures...
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  8. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    Heartcloaker

    What were you thinking? The verse its self had so much potential and promise.
    The imagery was ok, the rhymes were ok. The story was good.
    The flow was ok.
    In saying that, all the things that were only ok, could have and should have been brilliant. Your writing
    Style is good, but your screwed yourself over using all the pictures, and braking up the verse the way you did. I wished you had of put only 1 or 2 pic’s in and layed out the story. It could have had so much punch and power with your words. Having all these images ruined it for the reader.


    Mrdjm
    Imagery was mostly clear and accurate.
    The lines flowed well. Some of your rhymes slipped a little, but this didn’t take away from the story.
    The story was well told, but because the whole world thing has been done so often, I liked the twist with the aliens, so I would have played on that more.
    All in all a good piece!


    Theryecatcher
    The imagery is good, the rhymes are ok, but I have a problem with the flow, I tried reading it several different ways and still I found its flow was spot on for a few lines, then would switch and lose it.
    The story was well told and clear. I liked the story.

    Vote Mrdjm
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  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    Rye:
    Solid drop dude the structure and flow of your piece shone to me, i think where fairy had trouble is that you had extended lines off of a syllable count so that sometime frustrates a reader.. but i thought it was all good.. Imagery was up there and as an over all piece it was decent..

    MR:
    Hey man pretty good story which is what i look for and who doesnt love a good alien twist.. I think you covered your topic very clearly and displayed some top notch writing skills.. Flow was hot n cold - more hot though.. Definitely a top notch verse..

    HC:
    Im not even going to read that.. Sorry

    vote = Mrjdm
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  10. Riot

    Riot The Dark Hero.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2001
    Messages:
    12,505
    Rye - Decent/Average Verse. Story was told good, Imagery was Good. Wasn't disjointed from a Narrative stand point, but at the same time it seemed basic. The flow was lacking for the most part, but again..****cent verse overall.

    Mrj - Good Story, Good Vocab, Imgry was Good. Creative Story with Aleins, Overall i Thought For what it was suppose to be you Nailed it. Flow at some point was off. But again, Other than that most of the elements needed were good. Well Done.

    HC - LP did a verse like this a few weeks back..It wasn't taken well..It's hard to read and stay connected with a story that has images all between, also the story becomes forced as if you were making the images a story as appose having a verse and the images fit, it was the opposite with your verse. You did a well enough job for it to be a "story", but still..very disjoined and everywhere.

    Overall I Thought Mrj came with the best verse, Raye had a decent verse, but I thought Mrj had a better story overall and it came together nicely.

    Vote - Mrj.

    Thanks, Guys.
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    I'll make this quick just in case the site is down for the night

    Rye - The topic was rather boring to me. Dentists have a boring job to me and you didn't really put an exciting spin on it. For these kinds of topics, a writer must grab the reader's attention and make them see what you want them to see. This read as a school research paper to me. Next week, try to be creative and do something you enjoy. Also work on the wording, perhaps proof reading a little bit. I did like your flow and you do have some good imagery. Good work


    Mr - This topic was good. I really enjoyed this. I thought the mechanics were good and everything. I wanted you to develop your story more. Have some kind of conflict, this kind of sounded like that movie The day the earth stood still. I enjoyed the concept but like i said, I wanted more from it. Good work tho


    Heart - Not reading it. sorry but this is ridiculous. This verse is too confusing and there are too many pictures.


    V/ Mr for having a more complete verse and great story
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    MR up 1 to -4 to -4
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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Mrj wins 1 to -4 to -4
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