[Week 28] [Championship] C. Pent uP(4-0) vs 2. Lucifa(10-6)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Oct 12, 2009.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest



    WEEK 28



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    whats gizzle Pizzle, this should be fizzle my nizzle. Vizzles:
    Posted via Mobile Device
    test
  3. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109

    You have to write an article about the life of someone.
    You found him/her and stumble upon a world you didn't think they'd be apart of ..


    The assignment's set, I must get that interview
    grab my notepad and pen and I'm out in pursuit
    as the new recruit sent out to get the scoop
    get the truth, the scandal and wrangle a view
    maybe dismantle the man and re-angle the skew
    of the words I observe, that'll probably bore me
    so I'll re-word what I heard to a top selling story
    misquote or change the context of something he says
    to get far in this game it's what you do these days
    you need to rephrase a comment to cause comotion
    and today I've been chosen to put into motion
    a mass media explosion, an outpour of emotion
    I just need to start this hunt for my target
    thinking "surely this person won't be the hardest
    person to find" as I enter the first Burger King
    ask at the counter and she says "Yeah I heard of him"
    but he hadn't been in for a few days she told me
    and I felt like some sort of new grade shinobi
    as my pursuit continues with McDonalds and Wimpy
    so many fast food joints my face became pimply
    but I simply couldn't find the geezer I'd sort
    "this is useless" I defeatedly, concedingly thought
    and I put on hold my search for this dude
    I was hungry and so I decided to get some food
    all those burgers and grease had turned my stomach
    I needed something healthy like salad or summat
    that's when I spy a Healthy Lifestyle restaurant
    with a high view review as it's written testament
    'We Subtract From Your Waist Without Detracting On Taste'
    I enter and see there's a conference taking place
    at the far end of the room, "Table for 1, sir?"
    "Yeah, close enough to see what's going on there"
    I take a seat close by and I pick up a menu
    "Welcome to the floor of this wonderful venue,
    a man you'll all know for his problem with calories,
    as fast food and snack food ate up his salaries,
    infamous in this area for his sheer size and shape,
    here today as a warning to watch what you pile on your plate."

    applause and gawps of awe ensued as he entered
    my waiter asked "Ready to choose the food presented?"
    "I'll take a Ceaser Salad" "Sure sir, is that all?"
    "And a mineral water" "Thank you sir, my name is Paul.
    I'll be your waiter today, any problems just give me a call."

    I turned to see the speaker but he's hidden by the wall
    he spoke in a sloth-like lethargic type of tone
    concentration broke when Shads name flashed up on my phone
    "Hey man, what's good? No I haven't found him yet.
    Yes Shads, I realise I'm losing your respect.
    Yes Shads, I do want to work within the press.
    Ok Shads, I'm sure hiring me won't be your big regret."
    that's when I get up to go take a leak
    decided to be nosey so walked up and peeped
    round the wall at the man who had the audience so fascinated
    couldn't believe my eyes at who had them so captivated
    "I've been looking for you!" I intrude
    "Got Life? it's Luc here for an RSTL Mag interview.
    Health food? this is the last place I thought I'd bump in to you"
    test
  4. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Run if you Can

    You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings
    or eats some employees in his hunger for killing
    but not all are males when it comes to a predator fashion
    even one that induces attributes of sex implored actions.
    Susan, the executive, is a bitch that likes disrespecting the men.
    Checking them on all their mistakes, to be repaid with sex that's intense.
    Blackmail- but often accepted since these guys jumped in to fuck her -
    some like choking and acts so dirty it could be done under the gutters.
    Making her shake then pasting her face leaving no come in the rubbers.
    Some have tried to smother her and got beat up for being dumb motherfuckers -
    Never having to force, her seductions took their natural course.
    As soon as they'd perform poorly, they get the axe in retort.
    Only one tried to sue her company for sexual harassment
    and he was found naked, chemistry was meddled with some capsules.

    Nobody dared crossing this lady,
    plus she kept it all entertaining;
    Trips to Aruba - giving it to her while she's calling em baby.
    This week, a new mail boy walks into her office -
    fantasies of whip cream, her breasts, and him licking it off it.
    She's bent in her closet, stares back at him looking dizzy and nauseous -
    unfriendly in all this, her reaction's a stiff kick to the balls quick,
    Pretending with the craftiest nerve an accident had occurred.
    Workman's comp is turned to fraud of regimes that have reversed,
    but leaving her thirst to be perverse at the highest of levels.
    Getting so hot with her lust, her fires could fight with the Devil.

    Then Benjamin came, a young accountant with an innocent brain.
    Sensing his pain from a recent divorce primed him for intimate games.
    The invitation to her house seemed like the friendliest date,
    so he went against the better judgment of dating in the workplace.
    Dinner was great with roasted lamb in plum sauce marinade,
    ginger rice, sweet carrots and garnishes of mint on the plate.
    Exquisite in taste so when they kissed, their tongues rinsed in the baste,
    tingling every inch of his face as his lips start to shake.
    Dizzy and dazed, eyes losing focus until Ben's cringing in pain.
    Intensely insane, Susan has drugged him for getting her way -
    An insensible rage because he was ready to give what she takes
    instead of this offensive display that's extended to rape.
    Benjamin wakes with his hands tied while she kisses away -
    His grimacing face slowly diminished as her lips hit his waist,
    condom in mouth, she's slobbing it down 'til it sticks to the base.
    Then they embrace, flinching in grace combined with shivers and shakes -
    She reversed the metrics, twisting her body across him like turns in Tetris
    with firm connections as the mirror shines her perverse reflection.
    Sex turned to weapons, used with deadly force and stern aggression.
    Submerged, his flesh grins, but facts remain as this jerk molests Ben.

    This furthers questions of why women aren't held responsible
    for the same sex crimes... While men don't think this tale is possible,
    or having to jail the probable cause of being male and macho must
    make this woman's assault a push beyond all dating obstacles.
    Because if Susan was a man, she'd be put under the prison -
    damaged and raped by tranny inmates, forced to munch rugs with her sentence
    But the stereotype carries the hype of men to not succumb as such victims -
    So if a man is forced to have sex, it's just seduction to get him.​

    A heavy evening of partying is followed by a night of sex with a chick you met at the party. You wake up in the morning and she is gone. You then see in thick red lipstick on the mirror 'WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF HIV!' ..
    test
  5. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    Lucifa

    There's a nice rhythm to this piece established early - the rhyme scheme is not advanced but it's fast-paced and molds with the narrative for a happy symbiosis; easy to get into, easy to digest. The wording is on-point throughout and there's no "breaks" from using vocabulary outlandish and weird with the theme in mind. I say it's too bad that this handicraft of smooth diction was used to set up and deliver a fat joke (also, I really hate inside references). Whatever it was, it was well-written but these tales-of-interest are not for me.

    Pent uP

    I thought I was in for more of the same but there was actually a good slab of social commentary attached to this little tale which was in the vein of classic role reversal. In the end this piece points towards this injustice saying "hey, look at that, it's unfair I tellz ya - ain't that a bitch?!?" - I do realize however that it's hard to cover much more than a single example working with the traditional story format. Your mechanics equate to onslaught, no way near as clean and neat as your opponent here but chaotic (in a good way) and very organic.

    Overall

    Pent gets the nod as his piece was more intricate and layered while still maintaining (and sometimes exceeding) the pure storytelling elements of Lucifa's. Anywho, that's my take.

    Vote: Pent uP
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  6. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    Lucifa, you definitely had the more deeper of topics, and more twists in the plot, it just wasnt delivered as smooth as I would of liked. The strong point here was definitely in my opinion the way you incorporate many ideas about one of your central objects, fast food, into your central topic, you seem to diverge off the path in a good way, and tie it all in to make it more believable.

    Your verse definitely had more substance in my opinion than Pent's

    Pent
    even one that induces attributes of sex implored actions.
    ~I thought the word implored sounded off her

    But from the second part starting with Benjamin, you completely ripped it

    You could have used a better ending, but the flow and descriptiveness was great.

    Overall, I give this to Pent because the bulk of the verse had me off in another world just going with it, rather than reading it, because it was delivered so well. Although Lucifa's twists and substance was great, Pent took this in my opinion really just by a hair due to how easy it was to read. Thanks for the reads yall.

    V Pent
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Lucifa - Nice story here. The rhyming and the flow were very good. You had alot of good things in this verse...i did find this story pretty funny. However i thought the story seemed to drag in the beginning but the story started to pick back up and you kept me entertained. Nice verse


    Fave line -
    "all those burgers and grease had turned my stomach
    I needed something healthy like salad or summat
    that's when I spy a Healthy Lifestyle restaurant
    with a high view review as it's written testament"

    Pent uP -Interesting twist to this topic that everyone seems to have done. The rhyming, as well as internals, in here was very good and it kept the verse entertaining. I couldn't quite get into the flow of this but it did read more like a book then a lyrical story which can be good. This piece had a deep vibe of crazy seduction and sounded like a crazy soap opera lol..nicely done

    fave line -
    "Sex turned to weapons, used with deadly force and stern aggression.
    Submerged, his flesh grins, but facts remain as this jerk molests Ben.

    This furthers questions of why women aren't held responsible
    for the same sex crimes... While men don't think this tale is possible,


    Overall a good battle..both guys did great with the topics they picked and were pretty even in this match-up. It came down to which topic i like more...Pent uP's topic kept me more entertained, slightly....nicely done guys
    test
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