[Week 26] 7. billy nomates(6-0) vs 8. Kuja(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 21, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
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  2. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    here .
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  3. nom waits.

    nom waits. small change.

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    test
  4. nom waits.

    nom waits. small change.

    Joined:
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    This high wire act will be the death of me
    The tension breathes through the wire, every step it seems
    To stretch and breathe, affected dreams
    Of eking my life blood from this tethered teat
    Shepherd’s scene surveyed with my crook horizontal
    Wry smile teasing out the hook of a gospel
    Look at this lost soul, every great journey
    Begins with a great drop and renegade fury
    This vessels placed poorly to deliver a message
    The tongue torn out of this pessimist’s death wish
    Holding a pennant of debt slips, another tenant is restless
    I have my name marked on a tentative guest list
    My penance regret mixed with a fear of heights
    My peers are right, this compass steers at night
    These people cheer in spite of this hero’s plight
    I stand alone in this cheap light, clear and bright
    A sneer this slight is seen as a grin by the masses
    I glove the same hand that I’m tipping my hat with
    Tapping out facts with every step that I take
    Every belief that I hold is always ten minutes late
    So tepid a fate, I stand spell bound, peddling traits
    Held in high esteem, a tired sheen, fed up and straight
    Getting the shakes, as the middle approaches
    Messiah posed, a pious show, slipping in focus
    Dancing a rhythm of locusts, simple and hopeless
    No testament found, a thimble of hope splits
    Now simply a ghost sits surveying the wreckage
    Feet dangle in cheap sandals trailing a message
    That this is payment in effort, blood in the eyes
    A summer disguise, another drummer who died
    The masses never having seen a thunder so shy
    Head drawn to my chest still shunning the sky
    Cunning disguise, I tremble as the stand nears
    Just another virgin mary statue with sham tears
    I stand here, hands clear of the stigmata I’m due
    Eyes darker than blue, the laughter is mute
    I sharpen my tooth on this rope, breathe and sigh
    I was told to jump and believe by my demon side
    This sheep is blighted by a sense of justice
    Another failed abortion just sent for judgement
    Resented, loveless, the disciples hold no safety net
    So when a fall happens, no faith is left
    Tape this death, hang it as a noose on a traitors neck
    The baying crowd can only pay a tame respect
    As my body falls I hold fast a crucifix pose
    Because a martyrs should always be ruthless and slow
    From a two minute show the people got a lifetime regret
    Where the time line is stretched, the high wire will rest
    As a tie around the throat of those who missed the show
    So please God, just take this victim home.


    Circus
    test
  5. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Hell


    My face burns, an eternal nightmare as demons take turns
    To lasarate my flesh & deny me the peace my heart yearns
    This hazey maze of screams in which the flames flicker
    & when I sense the pain subsiding, the whips get quicker
    Every once in a while my surroundings fall in silence
    Before erupting once more in loud screams of violence
    My ears bleed, I feel the warmth trickle down my cheeks
    As my eardrums burst over & over, the agoney repeats..
    Chained & bound but somehow lost & yet forever found
    I violently kick my feet across the ash scolded ground
    Time is non existant as the reality is never resisted
    Ocassionaly hearing old Nick laughing in the distance
    Coated in my ever lasting blood amougest tormented souls
    Trapped within the vast hall of these fire ridden holes
    I close my eyes, trying to invison my life upon earth
    Hoping that my mind can create a place for my rebirth
    A scene emerges, theres a man & a woman sat down talking
    & in the back of the room I see a small toddler walking
    Playing joyfully as infants do, unaware of lifes intension
    The parents start to argue, now the baby lacks attension
    Violence erupts,the shouting stops & fists start flying
    Blood paints the walls & now the baby starts crying..
    Until the woman lays motionless, beaten to an early tomb
    The heat starts to rise as I see flames engulf the room
    I open my eyes, a thousand contorted faces greet me
    Almost for a few moments I swear the agony had no feeling
    The sweat pours down my face feeling the intense heat
    My soul is been ripped apart, my flesh tendered like meat
    I must concerntrate, time to close my eyes again once more
    Darkness returns, but wait, theres a figue on the floor..
    An old man wearing an overcoat of blood, his neck severed
    A feeling of remorse swept over me, a feeling I dreaded
    The memories flood back, clear as crystal, I remember
    That cold bitter day I confronted my father in december
    The rage was unbearable, inside my anger was seething
    I remember him begging to which it never had meaning..
    Slicing & dicing I knifed him, like a madman I lost my mind
    Not only did I kill him that night, I also died inside
    I got the taste, one murder turned to two, two to three
    Until eventually my whole grusome life caught up with me
    My eyes reopen, the pain subsides, my shackles break..
    & now I realise that residing in hell is no mistake
    One mans hell is another mans heaven ill rise above this
    Now Nick, hand me my whip cause I fucking love it! ...
    test
  6. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    Kuja
    Well written verse. Your rhymes are smooth and relevant. None of it seemed forced or rushed.
    The story unfolded nicely. The imagery was strong and clear.
    Very descript. I liked it. I have said it before I am a lazy reader, so if the piece I am reading doesn’t hold my interest then I tend to lose the image and have to start again, but I didn’t with yours , it pulled me in and it flowed and grow until the end. Nice work


    Nom
    Your rhymes are fabulous and smooth, the story had imagery, but I found I was changing all the time and I ended a little confused at times, your flow was very smooth. And deliberate.
    After every other line I would stop and ponder on what metaphor you were using. But a well written and delivered piece
    Nice work both of you.
    Vote - Kuja
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  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    nom:
    That was pretty beautiful.. imagery, vocab and rythm all top notch.. You dug deep into your character to portray the struggle he goes through in life.. Always being on show performing for people and with the final curtain call your character is giving them what the crowd wants which is to watch you through the highs and lows - from life to death.. I honestly think this is a gem and you killed it.. welcome back..

    Every belief that I hold is always ten minutes late

    ^ Real Nice

    kuja:
    lol man this is definatley not what I expected.. You captured hell with an entertaining story added to it.. I def felt the dark vibe you where trying to throw with this verse.. Vocab not all that strong but not bad and flow of the verse wasn’t terrible either.. All up a fairly solid verse and hope to see more pieces from you in the furture.. good luck dude..

    vote = billy nomats

    for the stronger and more mature verse.. Nice one guys..
    test
  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    4,096
    nom - eloquent writing here bro-sis. I can handle all the tangled imagery and poetic flair, but i would like to see you unwind and turn out an action-drama one time. Just because I got it does not mean the av. will see it clearly. Very nice worded and amazing ways to rhyme and surprising twists of the tongue. On the Nom Dryness Scale, this was a 7. Not bad.

    Kuja--Hmmm, nice work here. Rhyme scheme was on the basic when compared to billy nom boy's and basic more. I felt the first half to be wasted exposition, rather, just talk of feeling and not much else. Not to say its a bad thing, but as you get into the story about half way I was left wondering why you didn't expose the first half better. Just felt like two pieces to me. well written my friend. Impressive first drop for the RSTL, unfortunately you were up against a giant.


    V. Nom
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  9. nom waits.

    nom waits. small change.

    Joined:
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Nom is up 2 to -1
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  11. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    12,377
    Nom-

    Transitions are stellar, you go from one rhyme to the next without hiccup. Vocabulary is diverse also rhyme combinations are creative like "great journey" "regade fury." Also your words grow the story.

    My penance regret mixed with a fear of heights
    My peers are right, this compass steers at night
    These people cheer in spite of this hero’s plight
    I stand alone in this cheap light, clear and bright


    Fire flow! Also great picture there... I stand alone in this cheap light, clear and bright.

    I think it would benefit the pacing of the story highlighting rises and falls if you broke up some sections like

    So tepid a fate, I stand spell bound, peddling traits
    Held in high esteem, a tired sheen, fed up and straight

    Getting the shakes, as the middle approaches
    Messiah posed, a pious show, slipping in focus

    That way everything doesn't get ran together and we have time to breathe. And get ready for the next bite.

    You advance and expand on tangents to tell your story with reflective commentary which comes off ass character narrative.


    Kuja-

    Strong start here too with rhyme pattern and imagery.

    Time is non existant as the reality is never resisted
    That line is immaculate. What a way to phrase hell.

    From here the rest of the peace tapers into mediocrity. Common rhymes but still telling an involving story. Until towards the end where it just falls off. The ending felt short and inappropriate because the words before that were building towards something else. I felt betrayed by that ending heh.

    It's as if with more work you could have pulled it off and it would have been great, but you took the easy way out and sorta cheapened the mood and affect.

    Vote - Nom
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  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    nom wins 3 to -1
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