[Week 25] [Championship] C. nO gOoD!(8-2) vs 2. Born Deaf(4-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Sep 21, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest



    WEEK 25



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
    test
  2. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,245
    Check..

    Good Luck dude, I'm prepared to hold the title longer than 1 week.
    So come correct this week.

    Votes:
    Posted via Mobile Device
    test
  3. Born Deaf

    Born Deaf DIED HEARING

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    102
    I'm prepared to hold the title longer than RSTL'S existance.

    Checkity Check.
    test
  4. Born Deaf

    Born Deaf DIED HEARING

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    102
    The Denison Canvas : THE DENISON CHRONICLES II


    and when they die he knows they'll all die the same way.
    ..................................................................the same way.
    ..................................................................the same way.
    so when he paint's them with the fragrance he sprays.
    ...................................................................he sprays.
    ...................................................................he sprays.
    he sprays his masterpieces with a brush of new sorts.
    he sprays his canvas thesis with the oils of a few snorts.

    staring upon his his hollow world self created, he bases his basis...
    …a face with willowing cheeks, dribbling speaks his taint lips...
    whatever he paints is, it just is. a regular crumb biz...
    …a dumb crack*r bum on a ritz over his strung bridge…
    ridges of drifted oils in monotone glory telling his story….
    …a gory visage of a collage, clotted with shaded spots...
    blots the sniffs of hormone shifts atop shirt tops…
    …a fireworks of aroma, a life gradually blown in…
    to a wind brushed against the fabrics softly sewn in…
    …moaning swift whiffs blowing atonement in single toning...
    no blacks, never whites, only in-betweens..
    …hated the paintbrush, those faint medieval machines…
    he felt they only allowed the fingers to dream…
    …and the hands to follow the wrists of screams...
    gripping the shrills of life's ill's with the frills of kills…
    …spills his speckled dabs of a nose-hairs thrills...
    smell the artwork, the dark works of a killers will…
    …molded to fulfill, a common cause of pride & skill...
    ability clear as the blank skies he harshly designs…
    …partially his mind unbind a part his mind behind….
    enemy lines, spineless finds bodies speared, weird cries...
    …smeared dyes of reds, spread against heads with no necks...
    bled the battlefield, of an art he wields. he feels its his best…
    ..stress compiles unrest, weary, teary eyed & distressed…
    a mess of undressed thoughts, under where...
    ….his fear he swears he doesn't bare beneath arm-hairs…
    raises his eyebrows as his pupils plow futile dives…
    …deeper in the forest, deeper in the portrait he revives…
    with a breath of fresh air, you know his papers bare…
    …your only aware his art is there when you sniffle near..
    sneeze, achoo. but he'll never bless you, says you….
    …deserve to be etched, a limp soulless victim of his motives.
    none emotive to your devoted efforts added to hoping…
    ….your last ditch, what a bitch, he'll paint you when he gets…
    the chance, romance his tendencies to unmask his frenzies wits…
    …with a spritz of hard cologne and soft perfume…
    he'll paint a one color world of murder & doom…
    …and if you play room to his wonderland of modern man….
    you'll reach your sunset, upon a sovereign land.
    ….created by the fragrance he sprays day upon day…
    and say goodbye to the world a brand new way….

    for when they die he knows they'll die the same way.
    ............................................................the same way.
    ............................................................the same way.
    so forever he paint's them with the fragrance he sprays.
    .......................................................................he sprays.
    .......................................................................he sprays.
    he sprays his masterpieces with a brush of new sorts.
    he sprays his canvas thesis with the oils of a few snorts.

    a modern sunset of dark reds & death.
    he lets fragrance paint his imaginations footsteps….
    a modern sunset of dark reds & death.
    he lets fragrance paint his imaginations footsteps….

    ..……..To be continued...






    Topics: A modern sunset & You live in a one color world trapped in a monotone existence.

    A continuation of my verse titled "The Denison Chronicles" against Baron Mynd
    link: http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...ynd-34-5-2-defenses-vs-2-mc4sight-26-8-a.html

    Thanks, & Good Luck nO gOod!
    test
  5. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,245
    "The Heartbreak ride's for free"

    My heart rides the lonely train of tepid torment,
    and these wheels have always led me towards end,
    forcing me to jump off toward the craziest plight.
    So walk a mile in my shoes. Live a day in my life.

    As I ride this train thinkin deeply, it’s taking me back.
    The intoxicating rhythmic motion has a place on the tracks.
    I ponder thoughts; scratch my head while pacing the facts,
    That at one time I had been a sheep and his face was black.
    Like this lonely locomotive, I have bin an outcast.
    It’s slow as snails, but I own the rails and live to outlast
    The winding track I travel on is full of twists and turns
    My mind is back in Babylon, because I didn’t learn.
    I sit and squirm, uncomfortable with the pace of this ride,
    Ready to hop off, walk away and take it in stride
    Some days I’m at the point I wanna yell inside,
    And leave this bullet on rails, and run to hell and hide.
    But I can’t run away just for a time to start fresh,
    And I can’t run away when someone finds I’m heartless.
    I struggle now through ups and downs – ride with a purpose.
    I hustle proud I’m underground – but I’m alive on the surface.
    The train rattles and creaks, through all the sadness and grief.
    But it’s cool I spit a verse with Erykahcaine in the passenger’s seat.

    My heart has rode the lonely train over the years,
    so my mind is off track with the oldest of fears
    It’s hard, being the man my composure conceals.
    when this free ride is led on motionless wheels.
    Posted via Mobile Device
    test
  6. Born Deaf

    Born Deaf DIED HEARING

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    102
    test
  7. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    BD - I liked this for what i think this was meant to be. I didnt like it so much for what it was. I think the first and biggest flaw of your writing is structure. There's a lot that reads as run on sentences or broken thoughts that I had to reread to get correctly because of how you structured the lines. Don't be afraid to break lines up and make the piece seem longer - a good read is a good read, and 64 lines is 64 lines, usually people don't trip and if they do show them the restructured way where it is the set amount of lines and go shut them the fuck up but PLEASE break your lines up by thought or use CORRECT PUNCTUATION. I urge this of your because it is fairly evident that you are a good writer. One more thing I want to add before I actually jump into the verse is that I will not, have not, and shun the fact that there is a prequel to this - for two reasons. The first is that in these competition i judge things as a standalone product. The second is, I believe that was written over a year ago so I'll omit the thought from my memory due to the fact that it makes it appear like you've been writing this verse for a year (which I'm not accusing you of, but you see how one can infer that) - which is unfair to your opponent. Now what I took from this - as the standalone piece unaware of its prequel - is that this 'painter' is really something like a soldier. As far as my little mind can understand all the imagery (very effective imagery) leads me to believe that he is 'painting' with his fingers because the 'brush' is a 'medieval machine' which would in my mind infer something like a bow and arrow - but its a machine so maybe something like an old turret? or big gun that takes more effort to use - so maybe even bombs? I'm not sure entirely but I have a feeling its a less modernized weapon. since the killings were 'not black, never white' I assume that this is an inbetween color and makes me thing Vietnam. that aside - the imagery basically alluded to blood-spray and the stench of the dead. It was a nice verse for imagery, and a decent metaphor. Some parts I thought were a little too blunt for the right touch of a metaphor; some ideas felt redundant, but overall a nice verse.

    NG - another metaphor - this one done a little more tactlessly - it was over faster too but felt almost as effective. First thing I want to say is spellcheck - its 'been' not 'bin' lol. Second thing is when writing a metaphor you have to tie up all the loose ends -

    'That at one time I had been a sheep and his face was black.
    Like this lonely locomotive, I have bin an outcast.'

    who is this black face? where did he come from? what is leading to? why is not mentioned anywhere else? how is a locomotive lonely? how is an inanimate object outcasted? is it thomas the engine? is that why his face was black? Your verse should effectively explain everything you are alluding too with other allusions. There some spots I really liked - especially the underground/above the surface couplet - it did exactly what I was looking for. Due to the last line of the main body it seemed like you were writing about the struggles of...well writing. Due to the last lines of the verse I'm tempted to say that you feel as if you are stagnant in terms of improvement and you dont know which 'tracks' to take/listen to to get you better than you are. Maybe this is a metaphor for something more personal like you had a one night stand with Caine but damnit why didnt u hit me up so we coulda ran the train! (ZOMG IM KIDDING CAINE YOUR JUST FROM CALI). umm..yeah pretty decent verse, mechanics just need to be tightened

    in the end I'm voting for born deaf because his verse was more complete in terms of overall product.
    test
  8. Betty*Beretta

    Betty*Beretta New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2003
    Messages:
    1,209


    Born Deaf:

    Nice! This is definitely my kind of piece, I love the unorthodox structure and the barrage of visuals, one after the other.

    Examples/Fave Lines:

    a life gradually blown in…
    to a wind brushed against the fabrics softly sewn in…


    hated the paintbrush, those faint medieval machines…
    he felt they only allowed the fingers to dream…
    …and the hands to follow the wrists of screams...
    gripping the shrills of life's ill's with the frills of kills…


    At times, it seemed as though you focused too much on the multi's that it constricted some lines from forming complete thoughts. But other than that, I enjoyed your take on the topic, and the way in which it was written. I would also like to mention that I did not take the prequel into consideration.

    nO gOoD:

    So, I had a little cameo in your piece this week, nice. But, no favoritism, hah. I was able to check out the beginnings of your piece earlier in the week, and I thought the potential was there, and had the makings of a winner. I feel the piece was underdeveloped. It's cool too leave the reader with questions, and wanting more, but when you do that, you have to make sure there's something amazing in the content to compliment the lack of a resolution.

    I compare it to grieving parents, they may never get their child back but they are somewhat appeased when they know all the facts behind the event. hah a little pretentious of a statement but pretty accurate as to my outlook. Keep working and growing, the potential is there.

    Vote = Born Deaf



    test
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Born - excellent piece...it was an imagery driven written which was great seeing as the topic you choose was about color. The flow was great, i didn't have any difficulty reading or understanding this. The rhymes could've been a bit better imo but it didn't take away from the way this gelled...Overall a great piece..nicely done

    Fave line
    "whatever he paints is, it just is. a regular crumb biz...
    …a dumb crack*r bum on a ritz over his strung bridge…
    ridges of drifted oils in monotone glory telling his story….
    …a gory visage of a collage, clotted with shaded spots..."

    NG - This was a good piece..not your best though and i understand and appreciated your dropping even though you didn't have the time to do so. Your verse was WAY too short, just seems like you could've developed it alot better with some time, and again i know you didn't have time. The flow was good and the vocab was good...The rhymes were solid as well...

    fave line -
    "As I ride this train thinkin deeply, it’s taking me back.
    The intoxicating rhythmic motion has a place on the tracks.
    I ponder thoughts; scratch my head while pacing the facts,
    That at one time I had been a sheep and his face was black. "


    Overall a good battle...my vote goes to Born..He had the complete verse filled with all the essentials. NG could've put up more of a fight if he put more effort into his verse
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    M4:
    What a take on such a difficult topic to write to.. You hit this for a home run. Your multis, internals and structure all top notch.. Your progression smooth and an easy verse to read.. Story itself I love how you covered destruction in such a poetic manner it borders beautiful.. Strong piece MC

    NG:
    Short but sweet.. Your internals where the strongest part of this verse dude.. The story itself you definitely covered a lonely partners point of view or even just a lonely person looking for any kind of emotion.. Good drop dude

    Vote: MC4SIGHT

    Your verse just blew me away so so many strong attributes to it.. But keep your head up NG and we’ll see u when u get back.. gl guys
    test
  11. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    BD: i agree with Erykah, in that you tried too much to focus on the multis. Which is something i've been told dozens of times in this league. Sometimes i guess we jus force shit. But anyway, i liked this verse. The story had a lot of imagery to it, and i liked the intro/outro you had going on. As i said, there were a lot of multi's and interior rhyming to it. Mechanically sound verse.

    NG: To me, this seemed like this was more of an audio type of verse. I could picture this with a hook, being a song on your soundclick. I know you been busy and shit, so i understand that this verse prolly wasn't given your all, and thats where people are getting the whole "underdeveloped" thing. the verse had potential, and i'd like to see you drop it in the open mic later, when you have time to finish it up. not a bad verse, just not enough to get the win in my opinion.

    vote- Born Deaf
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)