[Week 20] [Champ] C. ShadowWarriorfs(13-5) vs 2. T.a.C(11-8) vs 3. the omega man(4-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 10, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    ya see he was a farm boy, labored through sunlight for a glass of milk
    his father beat him with a belt buckle to get his pasture built
    hands wrapped in barbed wire, the boy would try to lessen his grip
    but the old man would never quit he just kept strong with the whip
    his skin was tough and dark from the sun and his tan
    He vowed to never again be caught between a son and a man
    after the murder of his dad, Tommy journeyed past his sunny crop
    the facade before his eyes was of diamonds and honeyed rock
    after some hours he found a paved road, he had never fathomed one
    although the road was easier to walk it only mattered some
    because he was still on foot, even though now he decided he'd rather run
    and he only stopped when he came to a green sign that read, "Combatiton
    2 miles ahead" he stretched his toes and rotated his neck, he was off
    at a traffic light he paused, turned left, and made home in an abandoned loft
    gave his feet rest as he worked with a dish-washed hand
    the restaurant paid little but was enough, for Tom bought land
    He polished it in ways his dad taught him
    and sold it 4 fold to the first person who bought it
    he repeated the steps until his pockets were swole
    and incorporated his business, $20 for each stock that was sold
    he bought cars and clothes but more importantly he shined with a glow
    diamond chains, money clips, and wrist watches always line with some gold
    despite his portfolio and assets, he still had something to fill
    for an heir of his own they say he would have fought for or killed
    to be like his father was his dream of the day
    so he became cruel in relationships...in the evilest way
    he was his father's only, hence his heart of stone and his complexion granular
    he rolled dice with the Prince of Tyre, he was an infecund gambler
    he breathed to inhale more than oxygen could suffice
    and he divorced every empty womb that entered his life
    the glistening off a diamond's cut was where he'd find his child
    and despite each domestic fight he still whined denial
    his forbearers propagated these appetites down pyramid limbs
    a craving that infected each leaf and became revered amid hymns
    praised in all walks, ‘twas a thirst, a hunger for more
    transforming all the young of the poor to mongers of whore
    and the wealthy to fire-starters...igniters of war
    fanning the trade-winds to roll the ocean floor to each islander's shore

    alas! he impregnated one through deception and fear
    and covered her in jewelry from her wrist to her ear
    he laid her down on his lumpy bed
    and kissed her each night on her lovely head
    he dreamt that she had given back all of her jewels
    and spit on the diamonds shouting, "these things are for fools!"
    his dad then appeared in an Armani suit, with diamond cufflinks
    proclaiming that his son was something no more than nothing
    Then he woke to a high pitched note pleading, "Tommy please let go!"
    dumbfounded, he continued to choke, and again the voice did echo
    "Tommy please let go! Please let go of my throat! Please let go!"
    even in his slumber he sought retro........bution​


    Ice Storm:funny::funny:
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  3. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    In a panic, I kick open the hospital doors
    Running down the hallway obstacle course
    A late night phone call caused such stress
    The run felt like miles to reach the front desk
    “Where is he?”, The lady said “he who?”
    I explained the situation, she said room 22
    I run down the hallway, swing the door open
    Seeing my oldest son kneeling on the floor, hopin’
    Praying, pleading as his little brothers slaving, breathing
    Brain is bleeding, pain receding as he stays retreating
    The doctor says at any day he’s leaving
    You can delay the grieving but there’s no way of treating
    I’m not ready to give in, I’d just love to wait
    But I sign the waiver saying do not resuscitate
    They wanna pull the plug, not given a chance
    Even at a limited stance he can still live and advance

    I thought I knew about his drug use
    Thought it was just something the young do
    I never knew about the prescription pills
    Or how they would cause an almost instant kill
    I knew he smoked, and drank at parties
    Never knew nightly he did xanax, dank and oxies
    Drank a lot, he was wasting his life
    Just like his brother, chasing the high
    He was at his brothers when he overdosed
    That’s who found him on the floor comatose
    That’s who got him hooked, his role model
    Calling him a pussy if he didn’t kill the whole bottle
    Who introduced him to prescription drugs
    Which he took until passing out on the Egyptian rug
    He had a problem, one he wouldn’t believe
    Then he was found on the floor, he couldn’t breathe

    Days spent bedside, he’s deep in unconscious sleep
    Only sounds are my sobs, and the constant beeps
    Of machines, his heart rate drops then often peaks
    He’s improved in ways doctors could not believe
    He looks so peaceful, making his slow progression
    Getting his rest, his face has no expression
    My beards growing gray, but I’ll never leave his side
    My eyes red and heavy, 5 days straight sleep deprived
    Times nearly standing still as slow as this week’s crawled
    When I close my eyes to sleep all I see is the cream walls
    The short bed, machines, this rooms haunt is a fuckin curse
    And worst is the mental image of the chubby nurse

    Then out of the blue, his eyes opened
    Feeling like I’m on cloud nine, floatin
    “He’s gonna make it, gonna pull through
    My boys a fighter, Doc, he fooled you”
    A week passes, he improves remarkably
    At a more normal pace his heart starts to beat
    My fear to leave him alone looms
    Doctor says he could be ready to go home soon

    That night, I was in his room around midnight
    So happy to have a second chance in my kids life
    Suddenly a swift increase in his hearts pulsing
    Causes a loss of breath, he starts convulsing
    I scream for the nurse,
    “He’s having a heart attack, say goodbye”
    “Wait, get the Doc, save his life”
    “He’s progressed, but still nothing’s changed
    You signed the waiver, said do not resuscitate “
    I watched him suffer, as his life goes to dim
    And I lost him, because I had lost hope in him

    Drugs/Alcohol
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  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689


    Sisters at War
    'Kressenia's lullaby'

    My baby sister was filled with life, love and her heart was pure
    A beautiful young woman but she was a constant chore
    An annoyance to me as I begged her to stop acting so immature
    Her mouth hyperactive like ocean waters crashing against the shore
    Oblivious to the world while acting as if life has not mattered
    Keeping a watchful eye, unnoticed or at least from what I’ve gathered
    Her name was Ciara with long hair and eyes that could make it rain
    Physically, we were the same, both possessing an hourglass frame
    But my smile was contagious and could light up a dark room
    Two beautiful sisters at war, inevitably waiting to spark doom
    We lived with our mother who was slowly becoming weak
    Struggling through poverty, barely able to make ends meat
    I watch her suffering, alone, without being able to help
    Arguing with my sister neglecting how my mother felt
    I did love my family profusely, regardless of the words I said
    Screaming throughout the house but apologetic before bed
    However the feud between my sister and I reached it’s climax
    “Give it back bitch!!” I shouted as our mother told us to relax
    She had taken my tank top again and said she "didn’t take shit"
    Mom plead for us to stop and say sorry so we did, but I faked it
    I glared as she walked away, blatantly ripping a piece off
    The clothing was minuscule but she did it just to piss me off
    But I decided to be the better sibling and let it go, for my mother’s sake
    She had enough to endure; she didn’t need her girls expressing hate

    One day we were arguing while walking home from school
    I told her those boys only wanted sex, “nu uh!” she was a fool
    She stormed off ahead angry, I told her not to go too far
    She was eventually out of my sight as she vanished behind a car
    I arrived and those boys from before had her pinned on the ground
    I jumped in front of Ciara, I told them to leave this part of town
    They refused with grimacing smiles, laughing as they pulled out knives
    I told Ciara to get ready to run, I knew they were going to take our lives
    One of them moved closer and I pushed Ciara away and she ran
    He grabbed me and I pushed him violently into his parent’s minivan
    This made him angry as he signaled the other two boys to restrain me
    I looked back and saw that Ciara had got away, they attempted to maim me
    I bit one and kicked the other in the testicles while the third grabbed my hair
    I continued to fight to get free until suddenly I felt my clothing tear
    I screamed to draw attention as they panicked, pushing a knife into my chest
    I felt my lungs fill up with blood as they removed their hands from my breast
    “Why did you stab her?!?” one screamed as fear handicapped their feet
    I slowly fell backwards, as my head bounces and cracked the concrete
    “Let’s get out of here!” another shouted as I started to hear the sirens get loud
    Ciara must have called the police; I smiled as I gazed at the clouds
    The EMTs checked my vitals as I looked around for a friendly face
    Ciara and my mother ran to me as I spit out this bloody taste
    They were tearful as I desperately reached out for Ciara’s hand
    She grabbed it firmly as I struggled to focus, they didn’t understand
    I was moments from death, my voice reverts down to a whisper
    I told my mother I loved her so much and that I was too weak to kiss her
    She said I felt cold and I ignored her knowing that my time was up
    I told Ciara that I really loved her despite being a pain in the butt
    As I continued to look her, I told her how much she meant to me
    All those long nights that she would just sit there and vent to me
    Were the best times of my life, that part she needed to know
    “Baby sis…” I cried out exhaustedly, I turn to the sky and reach for a glow
    I slowly drifted away, all I heard was “Noooo!” as I saw black
    I had become an angel and I was blessed with a heavenly track
    I watched the funeral in tears at all the loved ones that showed
    My casket was mahogany wood and I was beautifully clothed
    In my hands were pink and yellow flowers, prepared by my mother
    I stood in the church, invisible but I was happy she knew I loved her
    The Reverend handed Ciara the flowers that I was holding gently
    He said it symbolized me and that they belong with someone close to me
    Ciara looked down at the flowers as, from behind, I wrapped my arms around her
    My lips in her ear, I whispered, “Take care of mom.” her eyes began to blur
    Her smile has become as bright as mine like I had given her my own
    While I hugged her I said, “I love you Ciara, you will never be alone…”


    [​IMG]

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  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Oman- a almost decent retribution story. Not too exciting or even enjoyable though. Too me it read very flat. Like you should told us what was happening. not too many stark quotable here or anything like damn. But for the RSTL it did move smooth and it was a A to Z verse. Flow was not the best Ive seen from you.

    Remember I said you need to telescope out one time? well this is it. you made a CLEAR sequence of events that unfolded in your story with out using a close up examination of each bar to figure out what you want us to know. But you did it flat. Not a big fan of this one. Was simply dull story without a mood creation or personal flair like I've seen from you in the past weeks. I'm not dogging you but being honest.

    the twist was more of an cliché ending, at the least not surprising. I felt no connection or relation to this verse simply because you did not expand it in that direction.

    overall I honestly call this an antiquate verse, but not a champ worthy one at that.


    TaC- your style is as such as you recount stories in a very basic way without depth per say. not to say your devoid. but you seem to just say this is the beginning , middle and heres the end. all with out mood or environment set up or imagery that will make me think profound things other than what you tell me is heavy or emotional. aside fromt that the flow was perusal smooth and the pace was , again, as always smooth as well.

    I know your formula for writing and can't say that I'm nether a fan or a hater, just it is what it is. A basic presentation with flow. Did you know there are other elements to writing? now I'm not on a high horse and say I know it all, but i know there is more aspects to it than point a to point b transition to build a story that cares about the reader and not just saying what is important and what is to be heart felt and what not. as this verse seemed to be.

    Not bad though.

    Shad-

    shad there was a lot going on here and it moved all with a unfolding story...or more accurately a narrative. I did not enjoy reading this because it lacks elements of what readers want to actually care about any hardship you tell us in this verse. Each line was brief so to set up the next. You miss out on detail just to completed the story in your head. tisk tisk


    v shad
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  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
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  7. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
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  8. Riot

    Riot The Dark Hero.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2001
    Messages:
    12,505
    Omega Man – First Let Me Say Solid Verse.
    Mechanic Wise It Was Decent, Flow Was Decent,
    Scheme Was Decent, Vocabulary Decent, Story Itself Was Just Okay
    and For A Champ Match It Needs To Be More Than Okay.
    Your Verse Just Seemed “It Was What It Was” Nothing More To That.
    From Beginning To End It Had No High Spots, Not Saying It Was A Bad Verse,
    Just Not One I Will Remember. Again, Over All A Solid Verse.

    Favorite Lines:
    after some hours he found a paved road, he had never fathomed one
    although the road was easier to walk it only mattered some
    because he was still on foot, even though now he decided he'd rather run
    and he only stopped when he came to a green sign that read, "Combatiton
    2 miles ahead" he stretched his toes and rotated his neck, he was off
    at a traffic light he paused, turned left, and made home in an abandoned loft
    gave his feet rest as he worked with a dish-washed hand
    the restaurant paid little but was enough, for Tom bought land

    TAC – As Usual, Good Verse, Basic Rhyme Scheme (Which I’m A Fan Of)
    You Had The Emotion, Slow Was On Spot Throughout As Usual.
    Story Was It Was Basic As Well, Nothing Hard Hitting…
    The Usual “Tac Comfort Zone” Verse. That Being Said I Still Enjoyed It Thoroughly.
    I Think You Are Now At A Stage Of Your Writing Where
    You Need To Add More Complexity To Your Verses.
    You Are Great With The Emotion And The Imagery Of The Emotion,
    But You Can Add The Depth Of A Story Inside A Story And Once You Do That
    I Think You Will Be The Head-Honcho Around Here.
    Anyway, As I Stated Before, Very Good Verse For What It Was.

    Favorite Lines:
    I knew he smoked, and drank at parties
    Never knew nightly he did xanax, dank and oxies
    Drank a lot, he was wasting his life
    Just like his brother, chasing the high
    He was at his brothers when he overdosed
    That’s who found him on the floor comatose
    That’s who got him hooked, his role model
    Calling him a pussy if he didn’t kill the whole bottle

    SHAD – This Was One Of In My Opinion Of Your Better Verses I’ve
    Read From You From The Fact It Had A Lot Going For It But At The Same
    Time It Read Simple And Easy To Follow And Understand. You Had Some Fillers
    In There That Really Didn’t Support Your Verse and Had A few Redundant Phrases/Words/Lines. ,
    But Other Than That Flow Was Smooth, Scheme Was Decent
    Little Lengthily At Times, Vocabulary Was Nice. Story It Self Was Great.
    Only Thing I Seen It Lacked Is In When You Had Filler Lines
    You Could Of Added More Detail Of The Story. Anyways,
    I Thought This Verse Was Great, It Was More Intellectual and
    More Of A Full Body Story Than The Other Verses In This Match. Well Done.

    Favorite Lines:
    I jumped in front of Ciara, I told them to leave this part of town
    They refused with grimacing smiles, laughing as they pulled out knives
    I told Ciara to get ready to run, I knew they were going to take our lives
    One of them moved closer and I pushed Ciara away and she ran
    He grabbed me and I pushed him violently into his parent’s minivan
    This made him angry as he signaled the other two boys to restrain me
    I looked back and saw that Ciara had got away, they attempted to maim me
    I bit one and kicked the other in the testicles while the third grabbed my hair
    I continued to fight to get free until suddenly I felt my clothing tear
    I screamed to draw attention as they panicked, pushing a knife into my chest
    I felt my lungs fill up with blood as they removed their hands from my breast
    “Why did you stab her?!?” one screamed as fear handicapped their feet
    I slowly fell backwards, as my head bounces and cracked the concrete

    Honestly, You Had Many Lines I Enjoyed, I Just Liked How The Above Series Of Lines
    Flowed and On A Narrative Side It Spoke More Loud Than Others.

    Overall, This Was An Okay Champ Match. Omega’s Verse Didn’t Have
    The Depth Element To Win This, Tac’s Verse Although Was Very Well Done
    Like Omegas Came Across Too Simple On The Story Part, Well,
    At least More Simple Than Shad’s I Should Say.
    Shad’s Verse Like Said Previously Was A Full Body Flavor Of A Story,
    It Had More Going For It And He Made It Work.

    I Really Wanted To Face T.A.C In A Champ Match, But Shadow Pulled This One Off.

    Vote – Shadow.
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  9. BLACK ATTICUS

    BLACK ATTICUS An Actual Show Rocka!!

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2010
    Messages:
    344
    I wish i had more time to break this down, but as it is, i don't so here's the skinny:
    all verse were very very solid, and flow wise, it was probably the best read i've had out of all the battles I've read in this league thus far, and you all did something right: 'made it a freakin' story'. so my vote will have to fall on which story I just liked best; simple as that ..and with that being said; my vote goes to Omega.
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  10. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    LOVED IT ALL!!

    Omen-your fluid delivery was incredible. you used poetic descriptions, and your story had a great build up and climax. "alas! he impregnated one through deception and fear
    and covered her in jewelry from her wrist to her ear" the writer brought out very personal facts about his character "he breathed to inhale more than oxygen could suffice
    and he divorced every empty womb that entered his life" & connected with the reader with lines like "he bought cars and clothes but more importantly he shined with a glow
    diamond chains, money clips, and wrist watches always line with some gold"
    so let me see here, you described a boy, that had a strict father who instilled business values into him, telescoping into his older age implementing his fathers guidance achieving success, but at the same time, due to his fathers improper parenting he suffers from presonality disorders and has tough time with woman, until he finally finds one, he ends up killing her, bc he thought he was killin his dad in a dream?

    T.A.C.- this is the type of rhyme scheme i enjoy from u, still had a solid story. i believe this story appealed to the crowd. very present time emotional feeling coming from this story. i also feel that the depth could have delved in deeper with more emotion not just presenting what is happening. lacked personality in that department. but great job! i was feelin it...
    "In a panic, I kick open the hospital doors
    Running down the hallway obstacle course" scene setting
    "Never knew nightly he did xanax, dank and oxies
    Drank a lot, he was wasting his life
    Just like his brother, chasing the high"-character setting
    "I watched him suffer, as his life goes to dim
    And I lost him, because I had lost hope in him"-climax and story setting

    this story was about a boy who had a brother who used drugs he was a influence and in the end, he realized this, his brother O.D.'d on some drug, unknown..( was it mentioned?) and during his hospital stay it has slight dialogue and mood setting.

    Shad- Shad approaches this verse with expert craftsmenship.. or at least the facade of expert craftsmenship. he really brings emotion and desperation into this narrative. i felt the story was fluid and advancing was natural. he talkes about two sisters whom have normal sister rivalry and how the older sister in the end saves her younger sister(am i right?) from ironic tragedy. the boys....

    "I told her how much she meant to me
    All those long nights that she would just sit there and vent to me
    Were the best times of my life, that part she needed to know
    “Baby sis…” I cried out exhaustedly, I turn to the sky and reach for a glow
    I slowly drifted away, all I heard was “Noooo!”"

    really built up and delivered efficiently.. leaving the reader to hear the dialogue in their head. putting the readers imagination on high alert.

    i think the vote is going to have to go to shad for obvious reasons. better developed storyline, expert delivery and elaborate imagery.
    test
  11. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Mega -Good story man. Flow could use some work, but it was decent enough to keep me reading. Your wording can be too much sometimes, too superfluous, and can clutter an otherwise clear verse. You had a great message in this verse, and while the ending was predictable, it was nonetheless dope and was actually the best part of your verse IMO. Good verse man, just work on mechanics and be a bit clearer with your wording and you'll be good.

    T.a.C. - Really cool verse. Your mechanics have improved by miles, as well as your rhyming. Sometimes it still feels forced, for example:
    A late night phone call caused such stress
    The run felt like miles to reach the front desk
    That first line sounds like it was written just to rhyme with front desk. You're getting there though.
    You should start trying to incorporate more similies, metaphors, symbolism, etc. There was actually a few points were you could've, one that stuck out was:
    Who introduced him to prescription drugs
    Which he took until passing out on the Egyptian rug
    I'd change that second line to, which laid him flatter than an egyptian rug. A little change like that can make it just a little more poignant and impactful. You have the rhyme sound, just take a little more time with developing it.

    Really good shit though, an enjoyable read.

    Shad: Only criticism would be the stretched lines. Imagery was dope as fuck here, really great usage. Idk what else to say besides great fucking verse and you came a long way. I wish you'd focus more on your flow though, that would make your verse a much smoother read.

    Vote - Shad, with T.a.C. and Mega not far behind.
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Shadow is up 4 - 0 to -2
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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    shadow wins 4 to 0 to -2
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