[Week 2] ShadowWarriorfs(1-0) vs the omega man(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
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  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
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  4. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Frankenstein's Monster

    they won my sleeve and jerked me down with ease
    I pleaded that I was no beast nor behemoth fiend
    but leviathan poured from my saltine pores and sheened
    as I was a being of the likes these buckbeans had never seen

    a dark shadow that lurked through their bleached streets
    a raven amidst cranes wearing sleek sheets
    walkin on steep cleats each week
    no fault of my own, it only took a voice of deceit to repeat
    a fish story in these deep creeks
    to force enmity to seep between each sheep
    and become piqued with their abandoned cousin for what they believed
    his unique tinted physique wreaked

    their words obscure yet I endured their foul mouth manure
    their allure towards liqueur would lead to my death for sure
    so I sprinted through those broken branches and tore my azure velour
    frustrated, I never ceased my run when I implored,
    "Please! I ensure! I have just awakened from my snore!"
    The drunken grumbles, as a jury deliberating, was increasing ever more
    and I heard one roar that foreswore "We will follow the spoor until we catch that Moor!"

    my heart had begun to palpitate, I began to perspirate down my face
    the rivers of sweat flooded the basins of my ears, and I could no longer hear the sounds they made

    a cowards rage!

    I felt it as the silence became a prison and the vegetation became a flowered cage
    unfolded my map and scoured the page
    but there was no use, I had no clue how to use it with this rounded unfounded gauge

    moments of silence was drowned out by a choral prelude leading to vocals of crackled leaves
    followed by a ruffle of drumbeat feet, virbrating the ground beneath
    I stood 6 feet but felt meek near a coterie of pale cheeks
    so when they appeared with their mechanical spears, I fled wih a shriek

    At the moment of my capture I knelt down in soiled soup
    and spoke my peace with the toiled group
    "I never touched that girl, she's foiled you
    you should recoil, troops! I am no monster but just the boy in you!
    I will not fight for there's naught a passage for me
    I be ya slave again, you da massa t'me
    I bin honest, no lies sir I kep'da straight nose
    and I spoke wit da white man wit great prose
    yet you still hate, but why.....I guess only hate knows
    shackle my limbs and break bones!
    hang me from that limb down that pathway mown!
    for I am prepared to get there.......I'm over halfway home"






    Topics:

    Over Halfway Home
    You're a 'monster', and all the villagers keep trying to kill you, but you're a pacifist...
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  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    A mother films and rapes her daughter for sex education purposes..



    Burning Crucifix


    People said that mom was elated when I was born
    Despite being kicked and berated, she had sworn-
    To always protect me, teaching me right from wrong
    Loving me directly, preaching that I was bright and strong
    Just like mommy, but her action were just hypocritical-
    Reactions, calling my desperate pleas for attention pitiful
    “Please mommy.” I cried hoping she would just hold me
    Yet she left me choking on tears while her boyfriend scolds me

    As my body matured over the years, Jason began to notice
    Lusting for me like vegetation in the eyes of locus
    Mom ignored my agitation so I tried to keep my distance
    Which aroused him more, he seemed to love my resistance
    Hearing him sniff the fumes at my door as I showered
    Made me uncomfortable but kept him empowered
    Mom didn’t care, blaming his advances on my youth

    One night I was watching Glee in the living room
    Mom and Jason entered as both were nicely groomed
    They sat next to me and mom whispered in my ear
    She envied my beauty wishing her skin were as clear
    Asking if I wanted Jason’s dick while she held me
    I told her I was sick despite me feeling healthy
    Jason handed me water and watched me drink
    He called me a “Sexy woman,” and I wasn’t like the rest of them
    A perfect specimen that he just had to kiss
    I jumped to my feet but mom held my wrist
    I began to feel light headed, disoriented and weak
    Jason grabbed the camera, my voice too exhausted to speak
    Mom began rubbing my breast as lips caressed my neck
    Moaning softly, she exposed her chest while Jason sat erect
    His grunts grow as incoherent whimpers leave my mouth
    I felt two fingers penetrate me, repetitively, north then south
    Mom just wanted to demonstrate to Jason the extend of her love
    Telling him to fuck me hard, with no restraints, no glove
    As he approached, mom moved resting her clit in my face
    Grinding swiftly forcing me to swallow a salty taste
    My vagina cried tears of blood but soon I felt dead
    Which each thrust and thud, I remembered every lie mom had said

    Why doesn’t she love me?… Why didn’t she protect me?…

    Jason moaned then shot a warm liquid out of his erection
    They got up laughing, adding the tape to their erotic collection
    With semen in my mouth I was forced to stomach it
    They just watched me as my desire to live plummeted
    I was like a white dove before that dreadful day
    As my innocence now turns to ashes and fades away…



    [​IMG]

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  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    okay...

    omega man.... let me start of by saying your a good writer... i think your written style would really captivate in spoken word... i like your "story"... but maybe only twista is saying all THIS in a bar

    the rivers of sweat flooded the basins of my ears, and I could no longer hear the sounds they made

    and there wasnt even any inner bar rhyming to make this long ass line flow properly

    I felt it as the silence became a prison and the vegetation became a flowered cage

    same thing here....

    sooo in the hip hop sense of the word it isnt very polished.... if it was spoken, possible spoken word... it may have more impact... as you ARE a good writer... anytime a line has over 18 syllables u need to look at it and really reconsider your wording and try to shrink those bars

    shadow....

    the main thing that really hurts you in this story is that everyone knows the topics... you pretty much told a story about a topic, but didnt even expand on the original idea... for example... if a topic was the patriots beat the giants in the super bowl, what happens? And asll you di is explain the patriots beatingh the giants... well i already know what happens in this story... why shopuld i go any further?

    not to mention you added some pictures to it to avoid the sex education part of the topic.... but i dont mind that too much... the main thing that turned me off is i knew exactly where the story was going 12 lines in and there weas no twist or turn to really get me going in this piece

    however your structure was better than omega man....

    Jason handed me water and watched me drink
    He called me a “Sexy woman,” and I wasn’t like the rest of them

    this couplet left me a little confused... as you lost the rhyme for a sec

    but even though shadows structure was a little bit better than the long stretched lines of omega man... i enjoyed omegas verse more as it read better and i didnt have a complete picture of how the story was gonna end

    vote

    omega man
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  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Omega:
    Sick syllable count with a lot of hot internals. Smooth at times, sometimes you over powered it with too many rhymes which felt like I was getting hit from every angle. lol. Overall pretty sweet piece. The story was straight forward no real twists but the feeling of Frankenstein wanting and seeking his death to feel whole/ to feel at home was displayed to perfection.. All in all nice drop dude.

    Fav lines;
    yet you still hate, but why.....I guess only hate knows
    shackle my limbs and break bones!
    hang me from that limb down that pathway mown!
    for I am prepared to get there.......I'm over halfway home"

    Shadow:
    Dude come’on now.. This was brutal, the description was disturbing to say the least. The metaphor to the picture was nice and the unfolding of the verse developed at a steady pace.. The female character’s emotion was depicted well and all in all this was a decent tale.. It’s a crazy verse and the topic you chose was based on a true story which happened in Australia last week..

    Fav lines:
    Hearing him sniff the fumes at my door as I showered
    Made me uncomfortable but kept him empowered
    ^ that shit is so creepy.

    Vote = ShadowWarriorfs

    His story though disturbing was written at a stronger calibre. Not taking anything away from Omega because his piece was still hot, it’s just Shadows emotion and filthy description over powered Omegas verse. Gl guys
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  8. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    omega man - your verse was kind of hard to read, i think you focused more at times on rhyming words than telling you story. the flow as a bit off and it slowed me down in my natural progress of reading the story. it wasnt a bad read, i'm just a critical voter. i didnt understand parts like "i kneeled down in spoiled soup"- is this a wetmypants metaphor or are you literally in soup. for some reason lots of things seemed forced. obscure/manure is very forced as a rhyme, azure velour is forced as making sense.


    shadow - well, that was fucking disgusting. as for the verse, it was very simple. the rhyme scheme and words used were kind of simple if you will. you had a typo in line 5, but i think you just didnt catch it before you posted, the problem is it created a line that stuck out. i dismissed it until i saw this..

    Jason handed me water and watched me drink
    He called me a “Sexy woman,” and I wasn’t like the rest of them

    that bar didnt rhyme whatsoever and complete stood the fuck out. your verse was visual yet disturbing, i have no issue with either of those, if you've ever seen my old verses, you'd agree. the problem i have this verse is the simplicity of it.



    vote - shadows... this is really hard, both had mechanical faults in their verse. i gotta give to shadow though since i didnt get as confused/lost while reading it.
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  9. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
    Messages:
    31,440
    the omega man: Your piece was a shockingly captivating fusion of topics which lead me to make the latter conclusion; the way you introduced this piece to a reader was with impressionable imagery packed with rhymes which fell no short of magnificence when the overall storyline was concerned. It was a pleasure to read.

    ^^I really enjoyed that part.


    ShadowWarriorfs: You've eased the reader into the storyline and suddenly swamped with details which left me both shocked and amazed. First, the mother-daughter skeleton had to fall out of the closet, the second time, it was well, the rape skeleton. More so than the actual rape&filming aspect of it, I liked the way you managed to creep in the horror parts felt without a single touch, creating room for mental manipulation with the victim as well.




    Looking at content with both pieces, this was a tough decision to make.

    Vote = ShadowWarriorfs.​
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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    oman - telescope out I say ? I'll try to say it again. Let's use your second stanza. You give specific reference imagery and use specific words framed around the character to describe and write what's going on for that line only, forgetting that what you choose might confuse the whole. This is too micro and looses the reader each line. One the other hand, you could use other words/devices to paint a more boarder picture to give a reader a sense of what's going on holistically...that is to say, to give us stuff that let's us know the big picture and how that individual bar/line fits into the whole story..this should be done...if you don't know what I'm talking about yet, I can't help you but to only critique you like this in the future until you get what I'm saying...

    a dark shadow that lurked through their bleached streets
    a raven amidst cranes wearing sleek sheets
    walkin on steep cleats each week
    no fault of my own, it only took a voice of deceit to repeat
    a fish story in these deep creeks
    to force enmity to seep between each sheep
    and become piqued with their abandoned cousin for what they believed
    his unique tinted physique wreaked


    The bold words could be switched out for more accurate and true words/devices that relate to the story outside the pure ultra specific imagery/words for that specific moment in that specific line. Use stuff that is really hard to miss and easy for the reader to just read and flow to the story actually,...and in complete understandings at all times....do you know what I mean ? This verse has to be read very carefully to get it, and if the readers attention slips just .0005% then the story is already in jeopardy of being lost in confusion.

    I just used one stanza for example.


    However, I read this 3 times and I liked it. Flow was hot and the story was actually crafted with a lot of devices I like to read from ya. Good stuff dog. Would have like to read some conflict between the town and all with the monster...that would have been dope.


    Shadow - lol at some lines though. I saw you rip somebody this week in your vote and I was like wtf...shad had the same problem in some descriptions hahah no biggie though, but I want to point them out


    Lusting for me like vegetation in the eyes of locus

    If the daughter is rape material in this dudes eye, this line does not support it. It's counter to the verse and contradicts it lol...locus are nasty, and vegetation ? but I get the predation type feel tho

    fumes at my door as I showered

    is shower mist really fumes like as in a gas or what ? Or is it just something I missed ? OR does the girl radieant some gas ? Did she fart and it smelt like flowers ? If so, show us.


    as both were nicely groomed groomed sounds off to me. Really ? "sup girl, you look so well groomed today, wanna F*&K ?

    My vagina cried tears of blood but soon I felt dead Nice imagery, best Ive seen ya write. lol sick though

    after those lines, the verse got a lot better. nice verse this week. I was just picking cos what else could I critique on ? This was a good pic representation for sure. One of your best verses despite the content. it was so compact and so smooth and the pacing was just on this week for you ...nice work dude. But there where also hints of generalizations just to quickly get out the way before you could climax, no pun intended. The intro/developments are just as important as a finish my bro.


    v-oman...more depth of writing, higher caliber. story was there if you have top notch super reading comp. skills...I don't but still it's a great one if you take your time...beatiful rhymes throughout.
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  11. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Omega: Man some of this shit was just... terrible.
    I can't believe you read that and thought that was good, to be honest. I don't mean to be too harsh and I probably am, but what the fuck. The simplistic rhyme scheme, the forced wording, the just overall shittiness of the writing. You really need to either A) stop trying so damn hard to seem good, or B) spend a shit ton more time rewriting your verses.

    I haven't even started on how overly stretched your bars are and how it impedes any progress the reader might've had before reaching those bars.

    You have talent, and an obvious desire to be good, but you need a lot more work.

    Shadow - Dope story, easy concept to use to invoke emotion. Mechanics, i.e. rhymes need to be massaged a little, made a bit more natural. Really you seem like right on the cusp of being a truly great writer, you just need to work a little more in every area, and you'll be great. Those little improvements can be the hardest to make though. Good shit overall. I enjoyed the read.

    Vote - Shadow, enjoyed his shit more.
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Shadow up 4 to 0
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  13. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Omega overall I really enjoyed your piece, it flowed very nicely
    altho in a few places it did kinda fall off a little bit, there wasnt anything
    major that made me think wow, but I feel you turned up and defo dropped a verse
    worthy of this league. nice job

    moments of silence was drowned out by a choral prelude leading to vocals of crackled leaves
    followed by a ruffle of drumbeat feet, virbrating the ground beneath
    I stood 6 feet but felt meek near a coterie of pale cheeks
    so when they appeared with their mechanical spears, I fled wih a shriek


    nice


    Shadow I kind of got the feeling you just full out went for the
    shock factor with this verse, the flow was nice and on point and the imagery
    was indeed very powerful, I found it to be a much easyer read than Omegas
    but at the same time disgusting lol.

    Jason moaned then shot a warm liquid out of his erection
    They got up laughing, adding the tape to their erotic collection
    With semen in my mouth I was forced to stomach it
    They just watched me as my desire to live plummeted
    I was like a white dove before that dreadful day
    As my innocence now turns to ashes and fades away…


    Loved this last segiment, nice job


    overall this like most other matchs this week is very hard to point out a clear
    winner, so i just got to go with what i found overall just slightly better


    Vote - Shadow (by a pubic hair lol)
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  14. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,178
    Omega I liked the last half of your piece much more then the first.
    throughout,the bars were too stretched.. and some rhymes felt off.
    If I knew how you meant it to be read, maybe with some commas or separating those bars a bit, I can see it may have flowed well. but .. I can't judge it with that in mind.

    Shadowthat was a very disgusting , good piece.
    it was a bit hard for me to read tbh. but after I was able to distance myself from the imagery I admired the writing as a whole.
    lines like
    I began to feel light headed, disoriented and weak
    Jason grabbed the camera, my voice too exhausted to speak
    Mom began rubbing my breast as lips caressed my neck
    Moaning softly, she exposed her chest while Jason sat erect

    flowed well. The inners and overall rhyme scheme were good examples for anyone to study to improve their own writing.

    win - shadow for a flawless piece, about a sickening topic.
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  15. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    T.o.m.- good stuff here really felt the rhymes and the story was full of imagery and setting. some of the rhymes did seem a tiny bit forced or stretched, it's hard to say stretched b/c it's not becasue they were long heres and example:



    but i must admit some of the rhymes seemed a lil unimpressive. like the more moor thing and some seemed like the words you used weren't words i can readily identify. which makes it hard to fully interpret your story what i got was the monster was actually the innocence the villiage had forgotten, and when they seen it they felt threatened by itso they had to eradicate it.so they could sleep at night. type of thing but maybe i am wrong

    Shad- Holy macrole this story was too much for me haha.. okay everything was solid. story had that interesting edge about it, it seemed real, it seemed modern, it seemed as if this could be happening next door. it also seemed like a porno i watched on pornhub.. lol.. but you really captured everything needed you didn't go over board with obscenities although the theme of the story was obscene to begin with. you presented it delicately with a fornicating presence.

    vote-Shad

    got the edge on content.
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  16. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    16,814
    lol.... 4-0? shadow, how do you count votes? lol...

    were you smoking when u started counting lol
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  17. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    76,201
    Shadow wins 7-2
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