[Week 2] Pent uP(0-0) vs TeKneeK(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    test
  2. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    test
  3. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,824
    im baaaack
    test
  4. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Agathodaemon's Bus

    [​IMG]



    An olive rain coat, black top hat and a briefcase
    - with a trail of smoke that brandish a dream-scape.
    To get on his bus he walks through traffic mid-speed chase
    and to park it he's gotta crash on the freeway.
    All of his passengers prepaid and are all city folks;
    while the bus itself is his mechanical symbiote.
    An aura surrounds them of blood splatter and rings of smoke
    that take cues from graphics in videos.
    They're addicts
    and cynical about the habits that give them soul,
    limit them, and stick'em with crass individuals.
    The average, habitual, drinker is fuel to the engine.
    - Business is great
    the bus' movement's relentless
    There isn't a moment he's not in the mood to be reckless
    with push bars, spiked wheels and a buku of weapons
    to make compact car cubes for some tetris.
    He's on a crash course with assholes who're usually desperate
    to speed through life from their futile inception.
    - Is he creating destiny or just choosing the destined?
    Either you're doomed in the present
    or you're on fumes with a death wish
    until your future's a dead end.
    The losers are let in -
    It's grueling and pleasant when the bus is fast in turns;
    Tires screeching before it pumps its wrath and curse,
    then its full speed ahead so rough the gravel bursts,
    crushing bastards first -then they go in the flux capacitor.
    It needs more souls
    from mortals
    drunk and lacking verve.
    It feeds on beating hearts and constant massacres.

    The driver speeds through the lights without a visa or license -
    - he's just the entity - the demon inside it.
    Born from the views that his mystique is so violent;
    but he's simply out looking for people just like him.
    He frequents his wine sips - merrymaking the road.
    The vehicle pilots itself - unfairly taking control -
    he'd be lucky to down shift, barely saving a soul.
    He lives in this mobile morgue where the gate isn't closed;
    - where he favors the dull and considers it reliant
    that his biggest uproar consists of drinking himself quiet.

    The turbo inlet's giant: tripling what the pistons are doing,
    The exhaust is so loud it muffles the vision of movement,
    It spits out fumes in a prism of plumage,
    and runs a molten block under a cooling system of sewage.
    With tires slipping on lubed slicks - drifting like cruise ships
    wrecking everything from hoopties to the sickest of new whips
    The underbelly - dripping wet and reckless,
    with headlights that leave victims dead and remnants.
    It's idea of road kill is drunk pet detectives
    -and a good spread is when five cars spread the exit.

    So when you're driving drunk, feeling hardly in danger
    don't forget
    Agathodaemon is your guardian angel.



    You're a 'monster', and all the villagers keep trying to kill you, but you're a pacifist...
    test
  5. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,824
    TOPIC: Broken Shadows


    “We’re under attack!!!!”

    “Whaat??”

    “Were under attack…… run… everybody! Runnnnnn..!!!!”


    Visualize a bleeding sun like a gun to the sky
    Somebody put a broken curtain over its eye…
    Debris floatin, gun totin, pistols smokin,
    Bodies found at the surface bleedin’ over the ocean,
    The stench around town was serene once before
    As I wander thru the streets, blood sprayed on the doors…
    The world’s in shock, awe and wonder, little children are scared
    Houses ransacked and robbed, peace is hardly to bear
    Distant cries heard across the next city and town
    Another world war has come watchin paradise drown
    Broken streets & dead bodies---guns deafening sounds
    Cloudy smokes fill the air, signs of calmness unfound
    Cops losin their grasp of the city’s control
    Screamin missiles soar above me, inside I feel my soul
    See no rescue, I flee amongst petrified folks
    I fetch a bike, pedal quickly with unstraightened spokes
    My lungs panting heavily, cars screech frightened
    Mass collisions while soldiers stand around fightin’
    I took for granted the way the day has come…
    Within my anxious feelings, my heart goes numb
    Up above the faint sun seeps its way thru the smoke..
    But my shadow is divided from the haze and its growth
    I run across passin thru the camoflauged men
    Some strangled in blood, others bracin for friends
    Look across I hear the gunshots stretch thru my path
    Many gaspin for air, some exploded in half..
    Barely able to live, dead eyes see no quiet
    Im surrounded in this war zone chaotic like riots
    To those who died beside me .. simple minded thru..
    Overcrowded lives were lost … not so much I can do
    From my rest, this black shadow, falters behind….
    And without the sun shining, its followed me blind..
    Faint to hold, from my feet as I try to escape…
    But this big city’s trapped me… I fail to make breaks…
    As my eyes scan around me, the loss has me held
    The noise grabs my soul as my movement has failed…
    The ground breaks aside me from the place that I stand…
    Then suddenly.. a wailing scream heard makes its land..
    Instantly I was broken up….
    Opened my soul…
    And the only thing remained..
    Was my shadow dead cold…

    Broken up …loss of pride… the sun has grown cold…
    the guns finally calmed and the silence controlled
    The evil stench was lifted… theres nothing in mind…
    But a world grown so old with no beauty to find..
    ..
    test
  6. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    test
  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Pent:
    Well structured verse, tightly written and put together. Flow for this piece was defiantly consistent and didn’t alter in the slightest. The story itself was pretty sweet. Sticking to Greek mythology describing Charon’s day to day struggle in modern society was an original and thought out piece. You laced the second topic together without forcing it in which was good to see.. Because at the end of the day he is just trying to do his job..

    Fav lines;
    - Is he creating destiny or just choosing the destined?
    Either you're doomed in the present
    or you're on fumes with a death wish
    until your future's a dead end.
    The losers are let in –

    Tek:
    Ok well holy shit why have you taken so long to come back. This is purely driven by hard hitting imagery slung with emotion. The war zone was depicted without fault and your rhymes where twice the standard I remember you writing, so it is great to have seen that you’ve grown. Flow was tight, i couldn’t find any stretched lines that stood out which made for an easy read. All in all one of your greatest piece’s of writing.

    fav lines:
    Broken up …loss of pride… the sun has grown cold…
    the guns finally calmed and the silence controlled
    The evil stench was lifted… theres nothing in mind…
    But a world grown so old with no beauty to find..

    vote = pent up

    This is going to be close, see pents overall mechanics where stronger rhyming multi-syllable after multi-syllable like it was nothing and his topic was just that much more original.. But saying that, it was a really hard call with Teks fiery imagery and top notch emotion.. I’m going to keep a close eye on this one to see who wins.. gl guys..
    test
  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    this battle comes down to mechanics... Tekneek told a story straight through... it wasnt plugged with the kind of multis i ike to see, but his writers voice and his structure pulled him through.... however in pents verse.... he had the multis down pat, with a very original outlook in his story.... Pent had a little back to the future in him, busting out words like flux capacitor... lol...

    The driver speeds through the lights without a visa or license -
    - he's just the entity - the demon inside it.
    Born from the views that his mystique is so violent;
    but he's simply out looking for people just like him.
    He frequents his wine sips - merrymaking the road.
    The vehicle pilots itself - unfairly taking control -
    he'd be lucky to down shift, barely saving a soul.
    He lives in this mobile morgue where the gate isn't closed;
    - where he favors the dull and considers it reliant
    that his biggest uproar consists of drinking himself quiet.

    the inner emotion and imagery of pents verse is really captivating.... as he hits multi syllable rhyiming that is unforced, and not overly abused

    Teks verse was a little bit more simplistic as he told the story in a prose i understand well as i like to "write" my stories straight forward...

    ie.

    I fetch a bike, pedal quickly with unstraightened spokes
    My lungs panting heavily, cars screech frightened
    Mass collisions while soldiers stand around fightin’
    I took for granted the way the day has come…
    Within my anxious feelings, my heart goes numb
    Up above the faint sun seeps its way thru the smoke..
    But my shadow is divided from the haze and its growth

    even though i dont get why you would say unstraightened.... as most people call shit crooked/// or gay if it isnt straight....v so you were stretching there just a tad....

    im balancing the quality of the two verses and since they are up against eachother id have to vote

    Pent Up

    the mainm reason being is im looking at verses that could be relevant in hip hop, rhyme scheme included... Teks verse is good... but as far as hip hop is concerned in a rapmusic storytelling league, it goes to pent with an overall display of tghe rhyme and a fresher look story wise...

    good battle yall... im definantly looking forward to reading more from both of you
    test
  9. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    pent - solid verse, took me a few min to readjust as i was reading. i thought it was going to be some kind of mystery noir caper the way you started it off. it was pretty unexpected in the way that you unraveled it so i give you props in the narrative direction. the wording wasnt perfect, but it seemed natural for the most part. i didnt like the flux capacitor reference cause it immediately made me think you were about to time travel or something and made me stopped reading to reconfirm the issue. the only other fault was the "i'm a monster, pacifist" reference at the end seemed forced, you didnt need to put that. overall dope read.

    tek - pretty straight forward verse here, you really gave a visual description of the horror that was being displayed. i just feel you went on a bit too long with it and could of taken your verse in a direction other than "this sucks right now" type vibe, lol. the verse overall was a good read, the only line i didnt find fitting was the "i feel my soul inside"- i hated that-dont know why-just did for some reason. i think the biggest fault was the lack of direction, you kept reiterating the same thing over and over and how shitty the situation was and thats pretty much how it ended. i can see some people reading your verse and feel like they aren't much entertained. ionno.


    vote - pent, for more engaging verse. good drops from both
    test
  10. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
    Messages:
    31,440
    Pent uP: Overall a superb arrangement of descriptive imagery and storyline catered to a reader with more than solid rhymes. It kept me re-reading it a few times.

    ^^Those would have to be some of the verses that stood out to me.


    TeKneeK: Within the technicality of rhymes you've managed to reveal a concept of shadows, as well as incorporating chaos to the mix, and you did it elegantly with holding the emotional spectrum hostage.

    ^^Those would have to be the parts that impressed me the most.

    Two absolutely amazing pieces of work, two completely different styles...

    Vote = TeKneeK
    test
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pent - What i liked most about this was your wording. Everything seemed cleverly placed to add to the imagery of the story. The vocab was nice but not overwhelming. The rhymes were solid as well. What i'd like to see from you is something more creative from a storytelling aspect. When i say creative i mean something that will twist the reader on a whole different level. I believe you have the talent to do this. Impressive read here.

    "- where he favors the dull and considers it reliant
    that his biggest uproar consists of drinking himself quiet."
    ^^impressive


    TeK - Amazing story here. The imagery was stunning. I was pleasantly surprised because i don't remember much of your work. From the start of your verse, you captured me and carried me through this. When i got to this line, "peace is hardly to bear" i didn't know if this was a spelling error or if there was an image you were trying to portray. If it's the latter, i didn't get it. Still, I actually really liked this. It was smooth. Nicely done here


    Overall a very great match up here. Story wise, i enjoyed both. If i had to choose, Pent was a little bit better written when it comes to being able to understand it on the first read. This was generally because of lines like the one i pointed out earlier. Still impressive


    V/ Pent uP
    test
  12. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Pent - I mean, I already gave you my feedback, and you already took what you wanted from it, so I'll just say great verse man. Shit like this proves why your consistently one of the better writers on the net. Great imagery, great flow, wording probably being your strong suit. Well-crafted and executed with the skill of a person who appreciates his craft.

    Tek - Honestly it's on shit like this that you show the strongest. The realism was almost complimented by the simplicity and straightforwardness of the subject matter. You didn't beat around the bush and you brought realism through the modes of imagery and personification. Probably one of the better pieces I've read from you.

    Vote - Pent, although Tek oughta be proud, for the first time I can remember, I can say, Tek's verse isn't bad.
    test
  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pent up 5 to 1

    After deduction

    Pent up 2 to -3
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  14. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Pent -- This was beautiful. I like the twist on the topic. Awesome! I love the visuals and the metaphors and the wordplay and the PUNCHLINES! Not your usual structured story but definitely a story, inner workings, dreamscapes, ideas, inner emotion, awakening subconsciousness. The rhyming and flow is perfect as well. There is nothing I can tell you to do to make this any better than what it is. Probably the best verse this week in my opinion.

    Tek -- this was an awesome verse as well. I really felt like I was in the story. You pulled me in with the bombs and explosions and the fighting. You did a nice job by not just telling what was going on but showing. You definitely make this a hard decision, because I really have nothing I can tell you to do better with your verse either. Good job. I like it all around. I wish I could tell you more. I guess you could have utilized some more inner rhyme or better feminine rhyme. However, I'm just nitpicking trying to find something to say to make it to 4 lines.


    Vote Pent because he had better rhyming.
    test
  15. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Pent Up - Wow, loved it, the flow was on fire and each line
    just seemed to roll off into the next, defo prob the best verse ive
    read so far this week.Very nice take on the topic, I enjoyed it very much &
    look forward to reading more from you in the future.

    'the bus' movement's relentless
    There isn't a moment he's not in the mood to be reckless
    with push bars, spiked wheels and a buku of weapons
    to make compact car cubes for some tetris.
    He's on a crash course with assholes who're usually desperate
    to speed through life from their futile inception.
    - Is he creating destiny or just choosing the destined?'

    That is just to quote one segiment I loved, altho to be honest
    i may as well of quoted the whole verse lol nice job.


    Tekneek - lol another wow right here, after reading pents verse
    I thought this was gonna be quite an easy decision to make, but hell no
    Your flow was vicious throughout and your verse was well structured and
    all in all a nice story.


    'From my rest, this black shadow, falters behind….
    And without the sun shining, its followed me blind..
    Faint to hold, from my feet as I try to escape…
    But this big city’s trapped me… I fail to make breaks…
    As my eyes scan around me, the loss has me held
    The noise grabs my soul as my movement has failed…'

    Nice ^

    THis is one tough match to call, but on this day, I feel Tek has
    just fallen unlucky that his comeback match was against Pent up
    because if im been honest Tek's verse would have beaten most,
    but overall in my opinion Pents verse gets my vote, nice job guys


    Vote - Pent Up
    test
  16. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2004
    Messages:
    1,729
    OK, I just made inline notes, which I'll copy/paste, and I'll summarize.

    Pent Up:

    - with a trail of smoke that brandish a dream-scape. --(brandishes)
    To get on his bus he walks through traffic mid-speed chase (mid-speed chase? is that like with a half-haste pace? a little convoluted for the rhyme here)

    An aura surrounds them of blood splatter and rings of smoke (not bad, but I think "the aura... is blood..." is smoother, but only a first thought)

    - where he favors the dull and considers it reliant (this "considers it reliant" seems a little more drawn out than it should be, 7 syllables for the multi with the soft assonance first note, the whole metrics of the rhyme '''''/' if ticks are unstessed... just not a strong staza ender, but because it's a quiet rhyme and it ends with the word quiet, I'll allot it intentional and just mention that it seems an exception haha)
    that his biggest uproar consists of drinking himself quiet.

    with headlights that leave victims dead and remnants. (dead in remnants)

    It's idea of road kill is drunk pet detectives (Its)

    Agathodaemon is your guardian angel. (anyone who busts out Aristophanes knows they're after my vote lol)

    Overall a solid verse, good flow and nice, unique story.

    Tek:

    Visualize a bleeding sun like a gun to the sky (bleeding sun is setting, but how is it a gun to the sky? As in it's about to pull the trigger on twilight? A bit unclear.)
    Somebody put a broken curtain over its eye… (its eye as in the sun... well, not so bad on second read, but a little superfluous)

    Bodies found at the surface bleedin’ over the ocean, (ill, in retrospect, there's a fair amount of negatives, and I wanted to be sure to point on one specific line that was good before the general overview of its high points)

    Houses ransacked and robbed, peace is hardly to bear (peace is hardly to bear?)

    Cloudy smokes fill the air, signs of calmness unfound (heh, unfound. A Palinesque malapropism)

    I fetch a bike, pedal quickly with unstraightened spokes (the spokes have nothing to do with the pedaling, so either 'with' is a misleading connection, and it would be better with 'despite' which would indicate the crooked spokes' opposition to the exertion of pedaling, or... I just don't know.)

    Mass collisions while soldiers stand around fightin’ (stand around fightin' seems like a bit of an oxymoron. Standing around implies inaction, while fighting implies intense action... is this a koan? I will meditate on this three word phrase today. Though I'll likely picture Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.)
    I took for granted the way the day has come… (the earth's rotation?)
    Within my anxious feelings, my heart goes numb (Within is an oft misused term. "Consumed by" "Enveloped in" or rewording the sentence to start with "My anxious feelings...")
    Up above the faint sun seeps its way thru the smoke.. (above,--there're some commas, keep them consistent, but also, do you need to say 'up above' if it's the sun? Where else can it visibly be?)

    Im surrounded in this war zone chaotic like riots (this warzone chaotic like riots... to think about this similie first consider the war zone... a zen-like place of calm and non-violence which contrasts greatly with... wait, aren't warzones where both sides are allowed to fire freely at each other and riots are where they have to wait for one side to throw a brick before the other side can start shooting?)

    And without the sun shining, its followed me blind.. (it's)

    The ground breaks aside me from the place that I stand… (the ground breaks aside me? English motha-fucka, do you speak it?)
    Then suddenly.. a wailing scream heard makes its land.. (screams are never smelled, touched or tasted. Also, 'wail' and 'scream' are a bit close in meaning to have one describe the other in an effective way... just a wail would have saved you two syllables)

    While there were definitely some shining moments in the verse (the gorier bits in this piece, the phrase 'exploded in half' still resonates a bit as well as the other line about bleeding over the ocean, because it is a visual that works very well) there wasn't a ton that grabbed me.

    Vote: Pent Up, his original story and execution were a bit better this week in my opinion.
    test
  17. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Pent - sup, remember I am after you my hard to please niggah. Straightway I liked the flow, detail and image bomb of the opening:

    An olive rain coat, black top hat and a briefcase
    - with a trail of smoke that brandish a dream-scape.


    It took to the pic and it did not apologize for the boldness. Smoking man holding a gun, and the dream scape end really captured the Smokey, grit feel. Boom ?

    Moving on:
    An olive rain coat, black top hat and a briefcase
    - with a trail of smoke that brandish a dream-scape.
    To get on his bus he walks through traffic mid-speed chase
    and to park it he's gotta crash on the freeway.
    All of his passengers prepaid and are all city folks;
    while the bus itself is his mechanical symbiote.
    An aura surrounds them of blood splatter and rings of smoke
    that take cues from graphics in videos.
    They're addicts


    I like to think that the character is talking to us, and if he is, I like the pace and the detail given, IE city folks, passengers a crash, prepaid (inmates ?)...and at the end I like the observation made that they are all addicts. It contrasts and at the same time surprises the reader and its also a nice development...let's look on.

    and cynical about the habits that give them soul,
    limit them, and stick'em with crass individuals.
    The average, habitual, drinker is fuel to the engine.
    - Business is great


    Ha, business is great! Like "they're addicts", this was a nice surprise, a punch and a cunning development for the reader. Stuff like this is great writing.

    I have confusion though, was the guy in the pic the driver of a bus on a suicide run ? PM me. Were the passengers prison inmates ? Or was he waiting on the sidelines watching ? Other than that I felt this flowed well, and hit with stark punches. I really loved the narrators voice, it was kicked back to the old detective movies with that beat narrative. That in itself gave this a mood, it paced very well and the lines were not wasted. It read so smooth I hardly remembered this rhyming, good stuff. But it rhymed in a clever subtle way with both masculine and feminine patterns. I had to read this 4 times.

    At the opening, first stanza so to speak, I felt the guy in the pic (the character) would be detailing to the reader an investigation...it opened so well. but as I read on, I learned that he was the driver and he eventually crashed the bus. This written then took on the role of describing it. Well done Fave lines:

    An olive rain coat, black top hat and a briefcase
    - with a trail of smoke that brandish a dream-scape.


    An aura surrounds them of blood splatter and rings of smoke
    that take cues from graphics in videos.
    They're addicts


    The average, habitual, drinker is fuel to the engine.
    - Business is great


    The driver speeds through the lights without a visa or license -
    - he's just the entity - the demon inside it.



    Overall a solid piece. I felt that you took in a good direction but like I said above, biased on the opening stanza, I was expecting this to be a detective doing his job and the readers would be invited to come along and explore what's in his thoughts as he does it. There could have been many great insights from the veteran cop, who is a bad apple on the force but knows the beat. So, in that sense I was let down that the whole written continued to develop in a description of the bus crashing. IN this sense it was not really developed, Rather you expanded on the topic really well. We did not get anywhere in terms of a developing story line, but this did not need to. The descriptiveness and the narrators own account of the crash was interesting to say the least. Just not a full bomb of a peice in the sense of really devleping what was there to begin with and insted just running with easy discription.



    Tek-

    Visualize a bleeding sun like a gun to the sky
    Somebody put a broken curtain over its eye…
    Debris floatin, gun totin, pistols smokin,
    Bodies found at the surface bleedin’ over the ocean,


    Amen. I did visualize that. Stark, strong and beautiful lines. wow. Nice open.

    This was a straight up joy to read. so much raw imagery and it boosted a proud energy that was fitting for the atmosphere of the written. WWIII ? I liked the pace, loved the wording, with lines like:

    Visualize a bleeding sun like a gun to the sky
    Somebody put a broken curtain over its eye…
    Debris floatin, gun totin, pistols smokin,
    Bodies found at the surface bleedin’ over the ocean,



    Screamin missiles soar above me, inside I feel my soul
    See no rescue, I flee amongst petrified folks
    I fetch a bike, pedal quickly with unstraightened spokes
    My lungs panting heavily, cars screech frightened
    Mass collisions while soldiers stand around fightin’


    Up above the faint sun seeps its way thru the smoke..
    But my shadow is divided from the haze and its growth


    From my rest, this black shadow, falters behind….
    And without the sun shining, its followed me blind..


    This was punch to my face. I'm a fan of you ability to simply flow and create a sense of urgency bonifed. It felt real. What this verse needs though, is a outside measurement, outside of the narrator or character. What you established so well for the character, you glossed over for the outside force that you were 'running' from. What was going on ? How did it happen, what do he think about it ? solutions ? This needed a bit more to really cement a closed universe, a living breathing atmosphere outside his thoughts. IF you created tension and an antagonist for the charcter...wow.

    Still a great read. Read it once,drooling.


    V-Pent.
    test
  18. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    Pent:
    Wow buddy I liked what you did with this story.. it held more depth to it then perceived at first. So basically the intoxication of liquor (or booz) is the daemon and your comparing it to the monster that is a pacifist. wow very clever I can draw the connections off top and yet it seemed metaphorical too, and the fact i caught on means the meta was appropriately used and easily identifiable. flow was solid, everything was solid. I know you can do more tho, more story setting more climax more anecdote. although your ending was very nail on..

    Tek: dude you really brought the competition this week against pent. so lets see if i get this, post apocalyptic setting, results from societies insistence on war, and violence. riddled with present struggle themes in society and presented as a metaphorical view on the whole subject.. so it's sorta political, sorta coming of age.. in the end after all is said and done, you are left with broken shaddows.. of what used to be. mirrored with pain and perseverance ..

    vote- Pent

    tough call.. reason is, pent had a little but more structure to his story that i felt won Me over..
    test
  19. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,824
    darn forgot to vote... hope im not banned....

    good match pent.
    test
  20. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    pent up - this is one of the best pieces I have ever read in my life.
    You amazed me with the consistency of the rhyme schemes flow.. and you're deep look into society's impact on our perception of drunk driving.
    my favorite bars:
    The turbo inlet's giant: tripling what the pistons are doing,
    The exhaust is so loud it muffles the vision of movement,
    It spits out fumes in a prism of plumage,
    and runs a molten block under a cooling system of sewage.
    With tires slipping on lubed slicks - drifting like cruise ships

    I didn't know your topic before reading and just tried to enjoy it.
    but when I realized you mean't society created him more if it made sense, and I was blow away for a second time.

    tekneek- .... wow? you.. really did an amazing job. The imagery really got me thinking about how it would feel, maybe what I would do... I became involved in the story.
    favorite bars:
    Distant cries heard across the next city and town
    Another world war has come watchin paradise drown
    Broken streets & dead bodies---guns deafening sounds
    Cloudy smokes fill the air, signs of calmness unfound
    Cops losin their grasp of the city’s control
    Screamin missiles soar above me, inside I feel my soul
    See no rescue, I flee amongst petrified folks
    I fetch a bike, pedal quickly with unstraightened spokes

    "unstraightened spokes." thankyou sir, may i have another?
    I felt like I was there. I personally think about when/where we will be invaded in the distant future, and his verse had a strong impact on me.
    this is a hard damn call. two different styles, both.. perfect in their own ways.

    Win- Pent. rhyme scheme was the best I've ever seen. You said so much I don't have time to go over it all before the deadline. I salute you.
    test
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