[Week 2] nom(1-0) vs Patrown(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    test
  2. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    test
  3. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    Requesting an extension.
    Nom already said it was cool in a PM but I'm putting this up as a formality.
    need to go the hospital cuz of a CRAZY ASS painful spider bite, can't go until after work @ 6. brown recluses are indigenous to my area and there are a lot of them by my house. haven't felt well, tried to write all night and am coming up with dog shit.

    nom - your extension request is granted.:double:
    test
  4. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    They put their trust in me as the day broke
    beautiful
    Like a still shot capture where the frame shows

    The phone rings in a back room shrouded in dust
    And shouts its arrival louder than dusk
    This clown in his blusher ambles and sighs
    Receiver to my ear stood rambling lies
    About gambling, line dies, turn my back
    On an archaic relic but this sermon lacks
    An audience so I traipse to the garden
    Eyes just about keeping pace with the starling
    Pulling strings with which this saints faith will be pardoned
    But a doors swing leaves our hero disheartened
    With his grace now tarred and dreams distorted
    Arms pulled to the side like this thief was thwarted
    There’s no Christ on this hill just a doll floating
    A mouth filling with water like his souls spoken
    His pose showing the result of a dream I played
    So I ring my girlfriend, now she’s on her way

    She spoke like I was the child here
    too young
    And bad lucked to brave fires

    I put my coffee cup down and shut my eyes
    Dream that her tone isn’t on the cusp of snide
    When I touch her thigh or brush her hair
    Left with the feeling of a standard Custer fare
    Like the trust we share isn’t mutual at all
    She only lets her rain patter in the ruse of a storm
    I keep my hands out; catch the fruit as it falls
    Like bombs dropping whistling to the tune of the bored
    I ruined the chord low notes eschewing the score
    Painting our life out with the blue of the dawn
    The crow gawks as the seed grew in its caw
    But the echo dies in valleys as ruined as laws
    Assuming is sport for us and I shoot to kill
    Sleight of hand master of the crude reveal
    A useless skill where none are needed today
    I open my eyes but things are seeming so strange

    So we plucked the child from the water like an offering
    altar bread
    For the wind to take as an apology for his suffering

    There’s a body in our boot we’re on the road
    She whispers we’re the truth that sonnets hold
    But this summer’s cold and my tongue just froze
    Head bowed in this car, lungs touching toes
    With a sunken soul I know our days are numbered
    25 through life in a state that slumbers
    But this deep sleep won’t feed her need to be
    In control at all times like a dealer see’s
    Her demon free I said I’d follow the blueprint
    That’s now painted on my body through the faintest of bruises
    She’s got the taste of abuse it’s addictive at best
    Won’t let a soul free without stripping its flesh
    Tipping the breathless body from the precipice
    When I realise that all that is left is this
    Just me and her and a love that bleeds
    So I follow the boy just to set me free

    Sometimes our wings aren’t meant to work
    .


    You were asked to baby-sit your neighbors child while they went out fishing for the day. relaxing in the sun in the backyard by the pool with the child, the phone rings. u go to answer it. you come back outside to see the child face down in the pool dead. afraid of what will happen to you, you try an cover up this whole mess.. how the fuck do u do it?
    test
  5. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    [​IMG]

    a political police chief discreetly fathered a child.
    led a typical life till his wife saw deceit in his smile.
    promised a dismissed mistress his presence through labor,
    first visit never came, admonished by shames saber.
    his son he left a shield.. but first he scratched off the name.
    child became a problem killing animals for game
    but soon he acted perfectly for reasons unexplained
    he went through the motions knowing what he could do
    to get away with everything you have to wear blue
    the badge he had from dad planted the seed in his head
    most kids watch cartoons but he turned on cops on instead
    read up on anatomy his strategy perfecting
    to execute the destitute and paid for there protecting
    the academy graduation,last stop on his path
    his future shone ahead of him excited to be the last
    thing so many people would see
    practiced drawing his gun all night before his first day on the beat
    test
  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    nom - last week I showed you what I did not like, this week I'll show you what I like since this verse was better.

    They put their trust in me as the day broke
    beautiful
    Like a still shot capture where the frame shows

    The phone rings in a back room shrouded in dust
    And shouts its arrival louder than dusk
    -

    great lines bro. Great intro of sorts...

    Did dude hang himself ? That's the only cause of death I can piece out...was not clear on that.

    She only lets her rain patter in the ruse of a storm

    what a great line. What great way to explain the characters relationship..it packed a punch and was a good closer for the set up above it.

    again:

    I keep my hands out; catch the fruit as it falls
    Like bombs dropping whistling to the tune of the bored


    Fruit as in a metaphor for taking the brunt of her fits ? I like that if so...

    Assuming is sport for us and I shoot to kill

    This sounds fimilar...have you used it before in a verse ? (just one line, not recycling, I know)


    I like how the main second stanza breaks from the urgent death lol, and explores your characters relationship...while the issue is still at hand. That is how you build suspense to a T. nice.


    What an amazing verse that reps the topic in every way, including the phone call. lol Nom you pay attention to details, it's seen in your verse.

    I loved this man. I liked the relationship issues and the child at hand, dead. How you go on with lazy fare imagery just lalalala carefree explanations that were just spot on in such a somber, bland but colorful way. Ironic, and contrasted.

    Fav lines: too many. entire 2nd stanza


    Pat - This came out really good for a rush job, even still it would have held against a lot of verses this week. You wrote very clear and I was surprised how sophisticated it was structured and how it flowed. Impressed I am.

    I noticed this out of the rest as my fav;

    read up on anatomy his strategy perfecting
    to execute the destitute and paid for there protecting
    the academy graduation,last stop on his path
    his future shone ahead of him excited to be the last
    thing so many people would see
    practiced drawing his gun all night before his first day on the beat


    quick and cunning. This would have been interesting and engaging probably had you finished, tbh. and the little bit revealed was as much


    v-nom
    test
  7. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
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    14,113
    Nom: I had a few problems with your overly poetic language.
    The phone rings in a back room shrouded in dust
    And shouts its arrival louder than dusk
    That second line was a massive stretch that doesn't really make sense. Dusk doesn't shout, it goes dark, darkness equates to silence. Dawn would've worked better. You kinda really stretched your wording and poetic devices more than usual, and your overall piece kind of suffered because of it. I usually really dig your stuff, this just seemed to stretched.

    Patrown: You have the talent, you just hafta develop, in pretty much every area. Rhyme a few more syllables in your lines, develop your characters, use more metaphors/similes/personification/overall poetic language. While you can write RSTL pieces in the style of a rap song (I try to every time), the best style for each isn't mutually exclusive, and don't expect one style to work for the other.

    Vote - Nom, all around better piece.
    test
  8. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    24,097
    Nom:

    this story felt sorta rushed in some areas, a little choppy delivery, but the flow was average and the concept was interesting and provocative. i sorta felt some similarities to the davinci code idk if its the setting or what but it just reminded me of that and so throughout i thought about that the whole time..

    Patrown-
    man you had some really good mechanics and story development giving us a glimpse but then. meh.. you rushed didn't finish didn't delve. just sorta tried to finish it up and i think that exactly what you wanted to do. you had so much room to work with keep em coming man, this could have took nom.. if you brought a little more effort

    vote-Nom
    test
  9. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    Nom I liked it, not the best ive read from you but on the whole
    I still enjoyed this read, just in 1 or 2 bits the flow lost me a little
    but for the majority of the verse flow was on point. nothing really much
    else to say other than nice job.

    'When I touch her thigh or brush her hair
    Left with the feeling of a standard Custer fare
    Like the trust we share isn’t mutual at all
    She only lets her rain patter in the ruse of a storm'


    Nice

    Patrown

    I understand that this wasnt the full verse that you wanted to drop
    but what you did write was nice and im looking forward to see how
    you progress in the coming week, I think once you perfect your style
    you will indeed grow into a formidable force here in the rstl.
    Your verse has a poetic feel to it, but just occasionly there would be
    something that just doesnt feel right, eg.

    'he went through the motions knowing what he could do
    to get away with everything you have to wear blue'


    I dont really know what it is, it just kinda stood out to me
    in the way that it felt it didnt belong in your verse.

    'read up on anatomy his strategy perfecting
    to execute the destitute and paid for there protecting'


    Nice, I liked =) ^


    OVerall Nom has my vote here.


    Vote - Nom
    test
  10. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    test
  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom wins 4-0. after voting deductions, Pat wins 0 to -1
    test
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