[Week 2] Kuja(1-0) vs Lyricalpriest(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Messages:
    24,097
    test
  3. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    test
  4. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    "Smiling Eye's ...."
    By: Lyricalpriest

    Nothing comes close....... and could Rival the time
    When I could kiss, hope, n stare in them "smiling eyes"

    I remember when them days turned night
    but the memory fades away .....word life!
    you and I .......we used to stay up
    play under the covers we used to make love
    used to say I'd make you my baby mother and wife
    nothing could separate us we didn't argue an fight
    you taught me things about my self....... I'da never known
    I thought if we were together nothing could be ever wrong
    but the more we got close the less we'd talk on the telephone
    the more space we needed I confess.....
    ...................................... that I shoulda never lefta you alone
    ..but instead I wanted to get high kick it all night
    ..come home late argue and fight until day light
    then go back to work, 9-5 then 5- 9.... then PARTY TIME
    you text me all the time, I wouldn't reply....
    you was 5 month's pregnant at home alone you would cry
    while at the bar I would laugh drinkin' shot's havin' a blast
    spendin' cash actin' a ass.. baby moma at home down to her last
    ......straw

    she used to tell me "this you will regret.. TRUST"
    b/c when a woman's fed up
    there nothing you can do about it when she Gives Up
    but I admit you were my lady... something bout you drove me crazy
    so when you had my baby..
    I realized how strong ......love and family should be
    so I wanted to hold on... be the best man I could be
    I tried to change do anything to make you happy
    cook you dinner run you a bath rub your feet
    then after that....
    movie and desert.. you me and her
    our lil princess every thing was bliss reminiscing I so miss this
    butterfly kisses smell's so delicious So what if I miss this???
    the story's tale is so exquisite
    cause one day our love was fierce then the next day it diminished
    and to be real I don't know if I'll ever heal feelin' Ill
    got me takin' pills... drinkin' tequilla.. tryna over kill
    I want to wake up from this nightmare....... called life
    but I don't want to wake up from this dream ...where your my wife
    and every things right back........ To them late talks all night
    holding you tight Nothing comes close and could Rival the time
    When I could kiss, hope, n stare in them smiling eyes....

    Six month's passed since we talked last...
    I asked "how are you doing" Who am I fooling?
    I really wanted to know who are you screwing
    I told you I was doing great trying to hide behind lies
    denying the truth.......... cause I'm dying inside
    seems the joy in your eye's dimmed down
    Speaking of a black heart..
    Your the one that inspired it
    these are the hardest months of my life
    I swear to god I almost died from it
    but I'm still standing.
    planning a real ending to all these unreal friendships
    I miss everything 'Ms. Everything'
    to me and more 'ms mi amor'
    do you miss anything about me???
    I doubt it....

    but why ...
    when I look into your eye's now
    what once used to be smiles turned into frowns then......?
    test
  5. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    404
    [​IMG]


    Alice


    Alice had a secret, she was young so innocent yet special
    For inside she harnessed great powers she had to wrestle
    But for this young wonder life was cruel,stuck In her room
    Knowing everything she stands for disobeys her fathers rule
    This day started like others sat alone feeling smooothered
    Until she heard screams out back emitting from her brothers
    Rushing to her feet, she lept and dashed to her brothers aid
    & what she did next led to her downfall,such a huge mistake
    A huge beast lay siege,thrashing its claws while devouring
    So Alice had no choice but to conjure magic to overpower it
    Her father grimiced with shock,his daughter was a witch
    All the love he had left him as he yelled 'grab the bitch'
    For days after Alice was locked alone,no sunlight was shown
    Everyone beliving she was just a shell for an old crone
    Nobody cared, she refused to use magic dispite been scared
    She knew what was coming & had to be metally prepared
    After days of darkness passed her prison opened..
    & Her father looked on in shame at his hearts old token
    She was bound & gagged, her eyes sagged
    Led to the lake as her legs dragged
    Villagers were seen carrying planks with snarling faces
    To an odd empty patch with burning traces
    Arriving at the lake gripped by fear,she faced the mayor
    Who proceeded to bound young alice to a wooden chair
    The lake was packed,all the townspeople had gathered
    To witness the demise of this witch that will happen
    A trio of priests stood forward in sequence they chanted
    All the townfolk yelled insults as they raved & ranted
    'Now let us rid this child of evil,may her soul be purged'
    & with that Alice went cold as her body slowly submerged
    The lake was agony the bitter cold cut into her flesh
    Her mind was distressed as water flooded her chest
    She closed her eyes and embraced her water filled prison
    After a while she felt relief as her body had been risen
    '5 minutes submerged she has been so what gives
    Water has failed to purge, look the witch lives'
    Alice was untied & led back to the empty patch with haste
    & bound to a wooden stake,surrounded by wood & tar paste
    The crowd went silent to witness this new act of violence
    As alice cried out alone,her shrieking breaking the silence
    The fire was lit, the flames flickered burning this young girl
    which in turn,Alice fell quiet in the midst of the crimson swirl
    The witch was dead, her charcoaled body was left to rot
    & the bitter story of Alice was never mentioned the town forgot
    Seeking ignorance in bliss which was no surprise
    becasue nobody even noticed the point...
    where Alice opened her eyes
    test
  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Priesthood - HM, pretty much: I miss you, why ? was you're verse lol. I like the honesty you approached it with and how you weren't afraid to say how it feels to be in a situation like that...realationships x). I felt you gave the common angsty feelings but noting was developed or unique that really made this situation yours. This could be mine, or my neighbors. In that sense it was good, everyone can relate. But in another sense it was the easy, shallow way...and told in a fashion that is so common and almost cliché now. How you say these common feelings is important and if done right will really come across fresh and memorable. Invent new ways to say this.

    I like how your bars this season are clean...I don't care if you like it or not, but I appreciate the trim. I did not like your abbreviations of because into 'b/c' or your "..........." to indicate pauses. The image, emotion of the words in the writing should do it, and what you did with it really did not effect or make me feel or read the verse any different.

    I like how well this was written overall. Did not have to reread or stumble. Just it was basic and unispring...you captured it well, but not anything special that has not been said a million times. So the biggest problem for me is what is not in your verse ie the stark new ways to express age old feelings. This is where poetic concepts would help you. Get to work my brother.

    Kuja - OK you failed hard on the pic representation. lol Here is why. Yeah, she might look like a witch and in the pic it may seem like she has power...so that's all you drew from and you used that idea, used that image representation to carry on a story so loose from what is really happening in the pic. You missed out man. I was not expecting you to draw a conclusion that she was a witch and just abandoned all else to form a witch hunt topic. lol

    But the read was smooth, very basic and read like a simple narration. Not much energy, tone or mood was created because you lack a complexity that probably was needed. Like imagery, similes and just a more indepth journey. We only scratched the surface in this piece and did not get past what was needed to know. I read from a distance.

    Still, rhymes were similar in competence to that of Lpree this week. It read smooth but was not impressive. IDK


    **
    This is a hard one to call. Both came rather shallow but both writtens read smooth. The lack of complex 'stuff' made for an easy read, but at the cost of development and original ways to say overdone stuff....

    V- Lpree
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  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    LP:
    Nice opening bars. I really enjoyed your structure in this drop. Your writing has improved dramatically since last year.. From start to finish though this is the typical tale and even though there was no great revelations, you held this together in what your main character is feeling.. Keep writing pieces driven by emotion and think outside the box for the overall story and you will kill in the league this year.

    Fav lines;
    but I don't want to wake up from this dream ...where your my wife
    ^
    That line captured the whole verse for me. Nice one.

    Kuja:
    What made this verse stand out was the strong description. Through the whole piece you describe with beautiful/dark detail on her coming events.. Flow was smooth within the whole verse and your vocab wasn’t over shadowing your verse. All in all a pretty solid drop and that end couplet was absolutely deadly.

    Fav Lines;
    A trio of priests stood forward in sequence they chanted
    ..
    Seeking ignorance in bliss which was no surprise
    because nobody even noticed the point...
    where Alice opened her eyes

    Vote = Kuja

    This was a tough one to vote on right down to Kujas final bars.. Once I read them it was like Woah ok, verse to verse they’re equal but that finisher was like a mortal kombat fatality.. Good job guys and good luck
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  8. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
    Messages:
    31,406
    Lyricalpriest: A well thought out and written heartfelt piece on how one's actions lead to a dissolution of a relationship, yet still having expectations of potentially salvaging it to no avail. The read was fluid, however it felt forced at times with the use of clichés ~ which were probably supposed to draw a person in, in order to even more feel the liveliness of emotional baggage behind the story.

    ^^this part perhaps stuck out the most, at least to me, since it feels unfinished, as if no closure can ever be reached.


    Kuja: Interesting interpretation of the chosen pic, it almost felt as if one's present in times of 15th century in Central Europe, where misunderstood were deemed witches and tortured. I've enjoyed reading your piece, much like LP's it was fluid, yet it was overall amazing ~ the imagery is what sealed it for me.

    ^^this part makes me think it echos of something deeper yet of something so simple and vicious.


    Vote = Kuja.
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  9. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    LP - that shit was dope, usually a verse like this is too same ol same ol for me, but this kinda read like you actually experienced it and was talking from the heart. maybe you were, ionno-its the fucking internet and i dont give a shit if you were, lol. the only things i didnt like was bar 4. you needed a pause between word and life, maybe a comma, maybe a period, just done different as it is, cause it reads awkward. dope verse, not too much visual but perfect on just being natural. i felt this.


    kuja - another dope read. your verse was exact opposite of LP's in that it was 100% visual. it was a dope story none the less, i have no idea why you decided to roll with the smoooooth though, lol. that wasn't needed. overall, a good verse, nothing too crazy going on in, just a dope story.


    vote - Lyrical Priest, this was a dope match, really enjoyed both verses, not much to complain about either, was just feeling LP's introspect more than Kuja's story on this particular day. respect.
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    LP - Great work here. I'm actually happy i read this. You minimized your mistakes and wrote a nice story that kept me interested and didn't reek of spelling errors and other nonsense. The imagery was nice and the flow was solid. I really liked how emotionally romantic this was. On the things to work on, i agree with Coup. Nicely done here.


    Kuja - A very nice descriptive story. I enjoyed the imagery here. The story progressed nicely here and the rhyming was pretty good. You did have some spelling issues that were not major but if you aren't careful, it can ruin or alter your intention of where you want the story heading. Other than that, I really enjoyed this as well.


    This was a great matchup. It's hard to really decide on who should win this because both stories were even. I have to go off my preference here and i go with LP. Good work guys


    V/ LP
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  11. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    Kuja
    "Her father grimiced with shock,his daughter was a witch
    All the love he had left him as he yelled 'grab the bitch'
    For days after Alice was locked alone,no sunlight was shown
    Everyone beliving she was just a shell for an old crone
    Nobody cared, she refused to use magic dispite been scared
    She knew what was coming & had to be metally prepared
    After days of darkness passed her prison opened..
    & Her father looked on in shame at his hearts old token
    "
    I didn't really feel those bars. the typos bothered me..
    and the rest of what I put in red I felt you could have put some more effort into. i mean, saying she knew she'd be burned alive and then come back as a witch is chill, but you could have put some more heart into those lines so the finisher had a greater impact.


    Alice was untied & led back to the empty patch with haste
    & bound to a wooden stake,surrounded by wood & tar paste
    The crowd went silent to witness this new act of violence
    As alice cried out alone,her shrieking breaking the silence
    The fire was lit, the flames flickered burning this young girl
    which in turn,Alice fell quiet in the midst of the crimson swirl
    The witch was dead, her charcoaled body was left to rot
    & the bitter story of Alice was never mentioned the town forgot
    Seeking ignorance in bliss which was no surprise
    becasue nobody even noticed the point...
    where Alice opened her eyes
    [/QUOTE]
    and here is where you made up for what I complained about.
    Overall, I enjoyed the story. Simple rhyme schemes..
    coulda spent more time in the moment he realized his daughter was a witch. saying "grab the bitch," didn't really do it for me.
    I liked the line "..fell quiet in the midst of the crimson swirl, " in particular.

    LP-
    b/c when a woman's fed up
    there nothing you can do about it when she Gives Up
    but I admit you were my lady... something bout you drove me crazy
    so when you had my baby..
    I realized how strong ......love and family should be
    so I wanted to hold on... be the best man I could be

    I liked these lines in particular. but the abbreviation of because .. lacked sincerity? I'm not going to hold it against you but in a league drop, I think you might want to type out the entire word.

    "Six month's passed since we talked last...
    I asked "how are you doing" Who am I fooling?
    I really wanted to know who are you screwing
    I told you I was doing great trying to hide behind lies
    denying the truth.......... cause I'm dying inside
    seems the joy in your eye's dimmed down
    "
    these were really good too. I related to it in a way makes me think the story might be one of your own experiences, I'm sure many of us have felt the same exact way. that moment when she's no longer in love with you.. I remember "the joy in your eye's " being gone, that's when you know you've lost her.
    "in them eyes" was my least favorite part of this piece. you coulda done better then that LP, I know your writing capabilities.

    win- I'm going to have to give it to kuja
    if kuja's verse had punchier bars and switched it up more, it would have made the decision easier on me. it needed more imagery. it was a very emotional story that could have been developed more.
    I didn't particularly enjoy the way LP chopped it into paragraphs.. it kept my interest longer, but I didn't feel the story as much tbh.
    if it wasn't for the ending the victory would have gone to LP.
    test
  12. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    LP: I mean, it was good piece, just ain't really meant for the RSTL. It was a very simple topic, the rhymes and mechanics were pretty simple, you rhymed up with up at one point. The flow was smooth enough to keep the progress going but that's about it. It's an honest piece that's really dripping with emotion, and executed in such a way, but it really lacked the polish, creativity, and mechanics of an RSTL piece. You can use topics like this, but you hafta do it in a way that's never really been done before, or at least something fresher than that.

    Good emotional piece, but you gotta work on them fundamentals dog.

    Kuja - Again, the mechanics were lacking. Simple rhymes, sometimes slanted to the point where the argument could be easily made that it wasn't a rhyme at all. The concept was dope, but it almost seemed like a restating of facts, rather than a storyteller engaging his audience. You had a grasp of poetic devices, but they still need a lot more work in being fluent and lyrical. Good concept, execution needs work.

    Vote - LP. His piece was a bit more fluid, and while Kuja had the better concept, LP's piece kept my attention more thoroughly and felt like it at least made an impression.
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  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    LP up 4-3

    After deductions

    Kuja up -1 to 0
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  14. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    LP -- I really like this story because almost every man can relate to this in one way, shape, or form. Therefore, I give you credit on touching human emotions by tapping into the little things we all have in common, kind of like a comedian does. However, this story is very bland. No poetic devices used and no word play at all. There was no story build either, although you told me that you were together, fucked up, loved each other, and then broke up there was really no series of events. You didn't build excitement or mood/tone. Next time try to stick to some strict codes of storytelling until you get the hang of it and then go freely. You've got to developed a better story, LP. I've seen you do it before.


    Kuja -- I wish you would have described "beast". This was very good. Nothing extremely poetic about it but a very well written story overall. Your bars are perfectly designed and your rhymes are on point. Your story is great, it kept my interest. I could have use a little more description to set moods right but it was pretty good. You could have delved into more emotions relating to the father and daughter. You did do that in certain parts but not as much as I like. I'm not a fan of action movies I like dramas. However, you did a great job building a story, exposition, climax, and resolution is all on point, including your little cliffhanger ending you got there. Very nice.


    Vote Kuja for better overall verse in all aspects
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  15. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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  16. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2004
    Messages:
    1,729
    Some inline edit-notes then summary.

    LP:
    When I could kiss, hope, n stare in them "smiling eyes" (I know it was a topic, but that doesn't make it a not still a cliche)

    but the memory fades away .....word life! (Word life!? What does this mean/add to the verse? Seems like rhyme filler, and just makes my think of that awful 80's George Michael video where they're wearing shirts that say Choose Life! that everyone parodies)

    I thought if we were together nothing could be ever wrong (unless you have a really strong accent, never known/ever wrong/telephone has a missing rhyme in the middle)

    spendin' cash actin' a ass.. baby moma at home down to her last (I know it's followed by 'baby mama' but...

    actin' a ass has to sound odd to you... add the n, you know you want to. If you're really trying to stress the stereotypical accent you should have "ak'in" instead of actin')
    ......straw (now you're just dangling straw like the Scarecrow about to teabag the cowardly lion as he sleeps.)

    she used to tell me "this you will regret.. TRUST" (why not 'you will regret this?)
    b/c when a woman's fed up (ohhhh, to get the rhyme fed up in there, even though yelling TRUST without a me, or that is an odd way to end a berating. A rephrasing like "trust me, you will regret this//because when a woman's that pissed" or something... there're options for rewording that sound a little more natural is all.)

    butterfly kisses smell's so delicious So what if I miss this??? (why rhyme miss this and miss this? Also, which smells so delicious? certainly not the butterfly kisses... just, um... perfume? baking? some other unmentioned thing?)

    I miss everything 'Ms. Everything' (niiiiice)

    Overall this story basically boiled down to, I have a great relationship, I turn into a douche, reform seeing my baby, it's all dissolved with the phrase 'diminished' and I'm back to self destructive behavior, and now you don't look at me the same... maybe I was missing some big aspect, if so I'm terribly sorry. Also there were a number of cliches/expected rhymes (smiling eyes, last straw, crazy/baby, could be/should be) and one other small thing I forgot to mention, "story's tale"... that's like saying the poem's poem.

    Kuja:

    Alice had a secret, she was young so innocent yet special
    For inside she harnessed great powers she had to wrestle (already, without any internal rhymes, these lines feel quite long)

    This day started like others sat alone feeling smooothered (just an idea for trimming, as the lines still feel a bit long, the word started isn't necessarily needed, if you just had "this day, like others, she sat alone feeling smothered" it drops a syllable, paces it with the slight comma separated aside, and adds the subject which is missing in the original line [she])

    Rushing to her feet, she lept and dashed to her brothers aid (though it's not the end rhyme, "brothers/brothers aid" is a little sketchy--especially since brothers has no bearing on the following rhyme.)

    A huge beast lay siege,thrashing its claws while devouring (I mentioned in the lounge about the huge mistake/huge beast lay multi issue, while it's not a huge thing, to keep in mind that the pattern of syllabic stresses should be consistent in multis. WTF does that mean? HUGE misTAKE/ HUGE BEAST LAY indicates the stresses.)

    So Alice had no choice but to conjure magic to overpower it (conjure magic is a little redundant, I'm only sensitive because conjure was greatly misread in my verse this week, and it literally means to bring into existence using magic--or, as if using magic.)

    Nobody cared, she refused to use magic dispite been scared (just a small note, you have cared/scared/prepared, but while this is something of an internal, it's still single syllabic and those 3 syllables spread 2 in the first 16 syllable line, and one at the end of the next 15 syllable line. You could argue that refused/used/knew works to help balance it out, and it definitely does, but a multi does wonders here and there)

    & Her father looked on in shame at his hearts old token (heart's, and, very stilted way to phrase this, we're all guilty of it now and then)

    She was bound & gagged, her eyes sagged
    Led to the lake as her legs dragged (this couplet would read much smoother as "Bound and gagged, her eyes sagged/and legs dragged as she was led to the lake" but still, very single syllablic in its rhyming.)

    & the bitter story of Alice was never mentioned the town forgot (there needs to be connection between 'the town forgot' and her story never being mentioned if it's a continuation of the previous sentence. I say throw a period after rot [and dropping the was from before left], and change the ampersand to 'As' so it reads "As the bitter story of Alice as never mentioned, the town forgot" [comma optional])

    Overall the story was somewhat interesting, though predictable. The rhymes/sonics weren't terrible, but could definitely use some amping up. Mostly I'd work on those two aspects: more complicated rhyming/sound patterns; and more original story (unexpected, but not out of the blue).

    Vote: Close one, very close. I think that Kuja's story was just a little bit better, and that edge it out for me.
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  17. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    LP - Honestly, i'm disappointed after reading your vote on my battle. For someone with an astute mind you wrote in a very basic manner. I'd like to chalk it up to not having time, but in terms of mechanics AND creativity this verse lackluster. There wasn't much for me to engage with here. It's a simple concept, over done, there was no sense of flow or great poetic devices to supplement the creativity, and it dragged. You had acts one two and three of the most common story told and you were basically reading off the blueprint. If this is something you had to get off your chest, or something real or whatever - i respect that, but dont expect a pity vote from me.

    Kuja - I liked the ending to the story because if you ever wanted to revisit these characters you have it set up to where it COULD be a To Be Continued thing. I had some serious gripes with your wording throughout this and I found your rhyming to lack pizazz too. I think for the story/type of story you chose to do you could have aided yourself with more imagery - like when she was in the cellar/prison/whatever you could have gone more into the dark/musky/cold aspects of it. When you described a path with blazing traces you could have talked about the burnt weeds that smelled like sulfur or something. There was a lot of room for you to play around with imagery in the setting you chose to attack, basically. I liked the one line about the water cutting into her or something - that was an example of something i'd have enjoyed more of. The story itself was ok but I think it would have been more enthralling if you characterized her/her family/the setting more. It was like there was this chick, she was special, they caged her because she was special, then they tried to kill her, but no - the end.

    Overall - I think mechanically speaking LP and Kuj are on the same level - or close to it. However, in this match, creativity would have to go to Kuja. Both used topics that weren't the freshest but the way that Kuja unfolded his story was more original and used more creative concepts. so yeah
    Kuja
    test
  18. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    lp...

    the thing that helped you was you at least grasp multis and your scheme . although basic... it is hip hop... the story itself, pretty basic, kinda predictable... if this was in open mic standing by itself, id have no issues with it... but it is here in the rstl where it is "judged"... and nothing really excited me about the piece... no twist, no real climax,... just a man who feels bad for not knowing what he had...

    kuja- the storytelling was lacking... i do wonder how someone can sit alone and feel smothered lol... alice saves their lives and immediately gets thrown in her room to burn on the stake later...

    blah... she cries for awhile and then she burns on the stake... what woulda made this better, is maybe aliuce's feelings torward being a witch... maybe a last minute effort by "someone" to save her life, giving the reader hope she might live...

    vote lp... even though it was a little whiny, he gets the vote for the better mechanics, rhyme schemes, and sooo forth... kuja by farrr had the better concept but the way it was built up wasnt satisfying to me
    test
  19. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    Kuja wins 6-5
    test
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