[Week 2] Galatea(0-0) vs Nu'maaN(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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  2. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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  3. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    You're a 'monster', and all the villagers keep trying to kill you, but you're a pacif

    Petty bourgeois, the provincial intellectual and eternal pacifist,
    a friendly, warm person never raising his voice, nor fist,
    decided to rent a cottage in a village called Mist,
    to expand his hedonstic love of life lived in nature,
    to nurture empty spirits with echos of awoken desire,
    of waking up to the sound of birds flying over a murmuring stream,
    daydreaming of what life could have been,
    if he only dared to act upon and materialize his dream.

    Arrival was brutal, villagers deemed him a mutant,
    a monster entered their little world ruled by trembling fear,
    rage against anything unfamiliar or vaguely unclear,
    led them to surround him and shout:
    »There's no place for you here, no room for a shaman in heals.«
    Mortifying silence slapped him from all sides,
    He almost felt it'll be best if he hides, until anger subsides.

    Months passed, with him getting harassed,
    Attacked and blamed for any ocurance they lack to explain,
    if rain fell on others, he got showered with rocks,
    he pleaded them to start thinking outside of the box,
    yet got dragged through mud untill drafty veins of his sweated blood,
    when village heart hurt, razors would cut the monster,
    throat reaching blood, body falling prey to knifes of hunters,
    one dance that won't grant feathers,
    only horrofying images under the names of villagers,
    taking steps back is no longer a place,
    a plot made in light will go down with carbon black ashes ablaze.

    Countless attempts of ending his life are made,
    to no avail, he survives them all without touching a blade,
    without striking back, or retaliating,
    without ever wishing any ill will to those who hate him,
    the villagers will be back angrier and he'll be waiting,
    with wishes of one day being accepted,
    to fit in without being rejected,
    to be no lesser of a monster,
    than the blood thirst of villagers being perfected.

    Untll a fatal night came.

    Village gardens wrapped into patches of darkness,
    Full moon's shine interrupted by screams of violence,
    Intense suffocation is scenting the blood bathed air,
    »He must die« is chanted with no silence to spare,
    Not a single person objects to the crowd gathered there,
    A villager grabs crimson spatter covered scissors,
    Holds them up to the absorbing sky in absence of jitters,
    And stabs the monster hastly two times, summoning it's death,
    The crowd rejoyces as if it's the only thing they have left,
    Even tied to a tree, the monster holds on to life by a mere breath,
    Attempting to free itself of the villagers and tied ropes,
    There's no time of clinging to desperation of losing hope.

    For now dying he's finally left alone,
    his ripped flesh will maintain a memory,
    of finally being killed savagely.​
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  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    G - Petty bourgeois, the provincial intellectual and eternal pacifist,

    wow, nice opening line...flowing, stark, cool. Gave us immediately a great summery of character. Not sure of second line was necessary to describe him more, could of had the readers figure he was friendly and warm. Pacifist from first line was enough :p

    I thought this had some crazy good lines then some filler lines. The flow was OK, but in some lines it was not even there...that didn't bother me though. I do the same thing.

    Fav lines:

    Petty bourgeois, the provincial intellectual and eternal pacifist,

    of waking up to the sound of birds flying over a murmuring stream,

    Intense suffocation is scenting the blood bathed air,

    A villager grabs crimson spatter covered scissors,


    Great great stuff yo.


    Overall I have two complaints: one that the rhyme scheme was rather basic. It's OK though, but if you want to kill it in the rstl in the future, you got to step it up (people are picky) or let the story just kill it all with one stone.

    And that I was wanting to read insights to the monster/villager conflict. There was just vague generalizations and no written accounts. That would have made this verse even better, because it would have been the missing link here.

    So detail to that type of development you should keep in mind IMO.

    This was a smooth, smooth verse and it was complete enough to enjoy because there were some really great lines in it to give it that swagger.


    Nice show G
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  5. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    24,097
    Nicely done Gal.. This topic and tone of the authors voice was so neatly fused together it sounded convincing. your flow was provocative and the the development of the story was mediocre. there was some rushed parts some abrupt transfers.. some end rhymes were off, but for the most part the mechanics were pretty solid. RSTL look out.. GalAte A topic this week .. next week lets see if she'll do it again..
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  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    youve got a lot if potential G.
    Very happy to see you here.
    I loved this .. Read it again.
    Note: i gave feedback in a PM to her.
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  7. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
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    16,814
    i like this piece galatea.... the progression in your writing is good and even though you didnt ravish the piece with multis your writers voice carried it, and your bars arent stretched into oblivion...

    good shit....
    test
  8. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
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    i couldn't post in time, (australia day long weekend).

    fuck the extension, gal - take the win.

    will come back later when i can find some time to write.

    :numaan:
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Gal wins via no show
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  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Gal wins by no show
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