[Week 2] Coup d'etat(1-0) vs j. keeper(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,208

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    test
  3. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Hello brother.

    Good luck.

    Devour Destiny​


    Everything is jaded,
    The emeralds, they have faded, and paled,
    The ruins, raided, the rubies break into shale,
    In the diamond mine,
    Little rocks have names,
    At any time of night,
    They'll sing songs of change,
    But if you try to shine, that could be your cyanide,
    That light can find every single kind of eye,
    So the prying types pick and prod, and keep it movin' son,
    Produce enough glitter, the flicker triggers a mood of love,
    And soon enough, you'll see an interest peak,
    In the veins of the caves that they wish to bleed,
    They'll say sit with me, she'll start visiting,
    And forget to mention things about the business piece,
    And while you're wandering the depths of the underground cities,
    Lookin' at the other mines, running 'round, fishing,
    You'll find that the other mines are stripped of their reserves,
    Now wonder why she seemed so interested in yours,
    But it's cool, you're glad to help, and she's less fortunate,
    Her stock seems sad as hell, compared to yours it's shit,
    So you spend time together, and shed a letter of want,
    While the words seem lost, you better get her a heart,
    You don't pause, forsaking your cares,
    Never seeing discrepency in the caves that you share,
    Until you turn around and see what your verdant grounds have reaped,
    As the serpant shouts and flees with a cursive howl of greed,
    And a purse of dirt worth more than you are bound to see,
    From the depths of your caverns, the Earth you vowed to keep,
    And it's lost, gone, barely a pebble remains,
    Waited too long, couldn't carry the devil away,
    Made it so long, with such a feelin' of hope,
    That when it's lost in the fog it's tough to deal with and cope,
    But he'll find a way, survive, let's say,
    But it's tough to shine, when someone took his light away...

    You might've heard about it, seen what it does to a man,
    When the curse of how it seems bleeds love from his lands,
    From the cuts on his hands, you can tell that it can humble a plan,
    As he searches through the rubble he damns,
    It'sa situation some never make it through,
    So he'll start his own journey towards a cave with jewels...
    ...And the cycle to repeats...
    ...Another siphon complete...​
    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096

    [​IMG]

    Meet in the middle of the air, seek me out in clouds
    I ladder your vocal stairs and believe in miracles now
    Speak to me in a color never spoken with language
    See if we read together, climbing over broken pages
    Tell me to lift higher to touch your metallic voice
    Let it rivet gold in me, bust up this dynamic noise
    Give a reason, and I will. Give me your dirty secrets
    Lie too, I'll believe it...soon we will flirt in acid reflex
    I'm standing tall now, in defiance of my human sense
    Rising while you search me out, in skies of turbulence

    There is no turning back now, the future is present
    I plow above a past, ...without any linguistic exits
    Please, speak to me in other ways, only seen in sound
    Wow, I can't see any ground, why not just color me now?
    In dreams you are very risqué and we kiss out loud
    Up here, your messy eyes empire out silent crowns
    I don't hear you talking, but see royal lips hissing
    Your insipid breath oily, misted on wishes I'm kissing
    Tell me to shut up even, I'm very uneasy near you
    Your eyes, blood shot, sleepy in weird harmonic hue
    How did you know I'd come ? I'm so sinister seen
    I'm a fish in, out of rusty water. Oh miserable me
    Why won't you talk to me ? Your my scenic way
    In this little air balloon with big feelings displayed
    Are you God ? Your slight of hand has seen a sighting
    Inspired by black magic and I'm about to flee it fighting
    Please answer me, I'm so close now...Do you hear me ?

    Hello and welcome traveler of questions:
    I'm electrified in your mind... my high communicates
    You have sex in your eye, little itches sweet as cakes
    No doubt about it come at me, French inhale me kid
    I'm lucid freight coming Kamikaze against the wind
    I'm not God and, yes to rainbows you're asking of
    I'm just a witch now aimed to sand blast you off
    Snort my hot breath, it's moisture, lick my fingers
    Seek my candy lips and act as trick-or-treaters
    Fear hears us not. It's of us and by us in... blood
    Drink from my neck and decide what color its of
    Fill your soul, let some spill. Your doing down now
    Spit some out in colorful trill, your going down now
    Meet in the middle of the air, seek me out in doubt
    Ladder my vocal stairs, couldn't be miracles without

    Color me black again, and I will seek you later
    Going down now, and I'll make you feel real bad
    test
  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Tipsy vote incoming

    Keeps - This was a cool metaphor about how a persons personality or attractiveness is comparable to mines and their characteristics. One in which different rocks and structures are related to characteristics and ideals. I think the idea behind this was a lot stronger than the actual execution. *in my opinion* If you look at the way I described it in the first two sentences and then how you wrote it, and think about it, you kind of danced around the subject. you spent (X) amount of lines toeing around the subject instead of breaking down what the cities represented; what the serpents represented; what is a discrepancy in a cave - how is it shareable in terms of both sides of the metaphor? I dont mean to 'rag on you' I'm just strongly disappointed by the disassociation of the infrastructure between the two subjects, and you not bridging them as neatly as I'd like to see. On the other hand - the fact that you wrote a metaphor is fucking awesome - I love it. The rhymes were fairly crisp and it read fast enough. The concept was original enough - and once again there's kudos for a metaphor. I feel there were a few parts that were 'out of character' ...that is to say things like 'fishing' dont really belong in your metaphor. the "move on son" rhyme was forced along with another line that bothered me (dont wanna look back). Overall - good writing quality with some holes that need tightening. A good piece to go back to

    Coup - Observations about stanza #1
    -"I ladder your vocal stairs" / This Doesnt make sense...you dont ladder anything, its not a verb; you climb. all you did was create a forced wordplay that has no impact on the reader.
    -"metallic voice" / How is a voice metallic? this figurative image doesnt make sense; and isn't really clarified though the next line tried.
    -"Let it rivet gold in me, bust up this dynamic noise" / Great line
    -"soon we will flirt in acid reflex" / what does that even me? You'll flirt in stomach bile? I think you were aiming to say that it would be a heart-wrenching flirtation and it really doesn't come across as powerful as saying it straight forward.
    What I'm noticing right now is that you are trying too hard to make things seem more powerful then they are, and it's costing your meaningful ideas credit in the eyes of the reader.

    Observations about stanza #2
    /At this point I realize that this is done directly from the view point of the little man in the air balloon and it makes more sense of the first stanza, though all the things I pointed out previously still hold true.
    -"without any linguistic exits" /Why say it like that? 'Without and words to shed' or 'tongue tied' or something would be much more relatable to most readers.
    -"misted on wishes I'm kissing" / Once again this is a decent concept it's just worded funny and that bothers me - You should have said something more along the lines of wish to be kissing or misted with wishes of your lips interlocking or something..the problem is in the wording.
    /The odd line out at the end trips me out because it doesnt really rhyme with anything. there's also some typos in here; One is your instead of you're and I think you said 'out' twice when you meant 'our' both times. I'm beginning to think this isn't your first language (and if it is, no offense, sorry).

    Observations of final stanza + closing couplet
    - "French inhale me kid
    I'm lucid freight coming Kamikaze against the wind" /I liked that..not the come at me kid part because if you meant kid in the colloquial sense or in the literal sense is undefined anywhere else in the verse, and it's not evident in the picture. Not knowing means I have to think of it literally, even though it sounds colloquial and that changes the meaning of the verse. It's poor writing.
    -"your doing down now" / What is DOING down? are these all typos? Why dont you proofread your verse? I'm assuming you meant YOURE GOING down now; on both lines.
    -The closer didnt really rhyme.. or make me feel like this came to an overall conclusion. As a matter of fact the last couplet confused me more than the rest of the piece.

    I liked the resolution of the third(referred to as the final) stanza. The fact that the two entities could talk made the piece connect within itself a little more. I have a few problems though - the characters were never hashed out. The witch was moreso than the 'kid' but that doesnt help me understand who they are or what purpose they really serve in the grand scheme of all. Ideally that last couplet was supposed to connect them and everything in some way - since it didnt I'm left to fumble through the clues in the verses themselves. In doing so, I learned more about the witch then the kid. The kid is idolizing this being that is lifting him and, from his view, is a shimmering goddess (speaking of which why is she referred to as a god and not a goddess?) who's presence confuses ones senses in an infatuating and almost cult-ish manner.

    Overall - The first verse (Keeps) was a lot easier for me to read. It didn't grasp the full potential of his topic by any means but it was well rounded in terms of writing. The things that lacked in the verse were superficial - in reality what he set out to do, he did and he did it effectively enough. The second verse left a lot to be desired - character development, grammar/readability, a solid platform for the idea. I feel that J.Keeper displayed his craft to be better in most categories.
    test
  6. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    JK -- I disagree with Pent Up when he says that you must explain your wordplay. What you did was perfect, just the way a reader of poetry would have it and a poet would write it. You do not need to explain cities and serpents and discrepancy in a cave. One can work up their own visual with your word choice, the same with the "fishing" line. A metaphor with a metaphor, it sparks visuals. I suppose I understand Pent's point that it possibly could change the tone or mood, but I don't think it was so bad. they have creeks in caves and in those creeks I'm sure they got fish, lol. Anyway this was no over the top story but it did have a story, the story however, is a little played and not very exciting for this day in age. However, the way you presented your story made it shine with uniqueness.

    Here's some lines I'd like to comment on:
    "Until you turn around and see what your verdant grounds have reaped,
    As the serpant shouts and flees with a cursive howl of greed,
    And a purse of dirt worth more than you are bound to see,
    From the depths of your caverns, the Earth you vowed to keep,
    And it's lost, gone, barely a pebble remains,
    Waited too long, couldn't carry the devil away,"

    The only part I think you could've fixed was serpant. So many other writers use the term "serpent" for the representation of temptation/evil/devil. A besides serpents don't shout and howl so you don't really get a good visual, instead I'm picturing some goofy snake howling mouth open wide like Kaa from Disney's Jungle Book cartoon. But, the set of lines flow very nice and really did its job wrapping up your story in a beautiful manner.



    Coup -- I know "broken" and "spoken" rhyme better...but do pages really get broken or do they tear? What did you mean by acid reflex? Burning of love (heart burn)...a burning heart? I suppose that's what you meant, but it’s kind of a disgusting visual when you’re thinking romantically. I don't mind that you used nouns for verbs, it was weird at first but when I read it again at the end it didn't seem so bad. I think I want to go ladder something one day, too!

    Ok so basically I'd have to say this, you verse is about a man's journey to Christ, finds his solace in a pastor, and the pastor says, "yeah I'm the shit, you need to listen to me and pay me, but don't get it twisted I ain't God."

    LMFAO at Pent Up saying, "I'm beginning to think this isn't your first language (and if it is, no offense, sorry)."

    You had a nice story, but it was an OVERALL story. It was like "I been through some shit and then I met this chick." Rather than a scene from a movie. I guess it really doesn't matter but it seems like last year that's what people were voting on, "a scene from a movie". But I think you had a decent enough story. And I'm not so bothered by your typos, as some other guys might be.



    Vote: Coup

    Both of them showed a great way to tell a simple story. Both of their verses could have been summed up in 2 lines and saved me all the reading, but both did it so beautifully I didn't mind. Both writers took almost the same exact route, one giant metaphor containing other tiny metaphors. JK had better rhyming, including: internal and feminine. But I just think Coup edged it out by his ability to take his topic and twist it around into the story he made it. Don't get me wrong "Devour Destiny" was twisted fairly well but that was an easier topic that could be twisted to mean anything. I just think Coup really did his picture topic justice. And since the competition was so close in my eyes I voted based on that observation. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
    test
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,692
    Pain - The flow was always good, as usual. The pace was smooth and the story was easy to flow. I liked the direction you went with this. My issue with this story was it wasn't really different than anything else you do. I'd like to see something suspenseful from you. I understand what both voters are coming from but i didn't see anything wrong with you 'dancing around' in this case. I'd probably be a little annoyed if the verse started to drag but i didn't have that problem here. Good work


    Coup - Impressive use of imagery here. I thought there were lines that were really well used and others that were worded awkwardly to me. For example, "Speak to me in a color never spoken with language" the latter part of that just seemed a bit strange to me. Colors aren't really spoken but viewed. I loved the 'speak to me in a color' but the never spoken with language things was just weird to me. Language didn't really rhyme with anything so i would have preferred you used something else. Perhaps using a visual comparison. Anyhow, the stanza read awkwardly to me in areas as well mainly because it just doesn't sound like something i would hear. "Fear hears us not. It's of us and by us in... blood" i tried thinking of every imaginable way how that could be read and couldn't come up with a way to make it seem like something someone would say. Still the story was well written in other areas and the story was easy to read. Nicely done...I can't wait til you iron things out.


    Overall this was hard match to decide on. Pain story was probably better written but the story wasn't really something that captured me. Coup's story was better but the wording made things awkward for me read and really get into. This could really go either way but i think Pain will get my vote because he didn't make the mistakes that slowed his story down like Coup did.

    V/ Pain
    test
  8. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,243
    Keeper --- I love how your verses flow so poetically. Just fluid flow when reciting it back. nice solid multies and your story progressed so nice. You can tell right away when reading this that youre seasoned at writing. It reads just too nice. The multies in this came off really good too. Not forced or anything. Where sometimes I think too much rhyming hinders a story's progression and detail, I think you pulled off a real good verse. Nice metaphorical meaning to your work this week I thoroughly enjoyed this.


    Coup --- I think you have a really interesting style and a great great vocab. Your use of multies was also really good. The story I couldn't follow as good as keepers. Some spots you were flowing great, and then it just stopped because you had an end word that didn't rhyme at all.. so it threw me off a little. They way you wrote this metaphoricly (sp?) speaking some of it lost my attention. All in all I did enjoy this a lot. I did find it a little abstract though. Just my feelings on it though. still a great piece.



    this was tough to call, both writers are really talented, I just got into keepers story as I found it an easier read and overall more enjoyable to get into. both good though.


    V/ Keeper
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    Pain:
    Ok holy shit.. Your structure and vocab are all top of the ranks.. Your metaphor is strong and your overall tale was well put together.. Your internals where on a whole other level, so easy and smooth to read without being simple.. Great verse dude, I was looking forward to your piece..

    Fav Line;
    Until you turn around and see what your verdant grounds have reaped,
    As the serpant shouts and flees with a cursive howl of greed,
    And a purse of dirt worth more than you are bound to see,
    From the depths of your caverns, the Earth you vowed to keep,
    ^
    All I can say is WOAH!

    Coup:
    Really poetic dude.. The story was rather original of a little traveler created by a witch, which is a god to him but in her world she is still just a witch. The conversation through both was delivered well though I felt it was turning a but smutty for no reason at all.. Well written, the first stanza killed it the rest was sort of over shadowed by that.. But still nice drop.

    Fav line;
    I'm standing tall now, in defiance of my human sense
    Rising while you search me out, in skies of turbulence
    ^
    Great imagery

    Vote = J.Keeper

    Pain had a more solid verse where everything connected to everything without losing the reader and on top of that his rhyme structure was insane.. Good drop guys and g
    test
  10. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    Keep:

    I felt that you approached the verse very calculated and precise with your flow patern sorta leading the story off.. the development of the story was rich but the strength of your narration this week was the voice of the author. it at least for me, spoke in a language, i can say, it was poetic. but modern too at the same time. although the story seemed more of a vintage depiction. it sorta added to it's animation and creativity.
    what I didn't like was the use of certain words that i felt were either outdated or just not identifiable in common English for example "Shale"... I have to admit there were some area's that i just didn't quite translate. but nonetheless I liked the direction of this story. good job man.

    Coup:
    Okay so the structure of this verse was almost perfect the rhymes were strong in some area's, but what I hate about you some times is it's like you purposefully get lazy and just dnt try to finish the rhyme or transition into the next you don't force the rhyme which can be good, but i know you can actually rhyme good it's like your purposefully abandon the rhyme in certain areas and idk if that's for "stress" effects or what. but as for the story it was enjoyable. i have to admit tho there are area's with the vocab your using and the i guess metaphors i dont catch and i know im missing out on the bulk of the story when this happens.

    this was a tough match to vote on, but in the end I'm going to say that both verses where neck and neck givin' coup the slight up on story content but in the End J. Keeper seemed to not abandon the RSTL prestige of keeping the rhymes a more focal point. and in some cases it's not important to force rhyme but in this case its a different story

    Keeper
    test
  11. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    J.Keeper - as a poetic piece your verse was pretty flawless but as far as story telling
    is concerned I found it to be very mundane, sorry but I did, it just felt more like a
    series of statements in a poetic fashion than it did anything else.

    'But it's cool, you're glad to help, and she's less fortunate,
    Her stock seems sad as hell, compared to yours it's shit,
    So you spend time together, and shed a letter of want,
    While the words seem lost, you better get her a heart'

    this had no rhyme at all and really put me off, but im kinda thinking this might
    be an accent thing, but as far as my accent goes, it doesnt rhyme.

    Coup- A very intresting peice here also, also comes across as been rather poetic, I like
    how in depth you got into the picture and it made for a very intresting read, flow was on point
    throughout which was nice, think I little lost at the start, kinda came across as been cyrptic
    but my little mind soon caught up haha

    'No doubt about it come at me, French inhale me kid
    I'm lucid freight coming Kamikaze against the wind
    I'm not God and, yes to rainbows you're asking of
    I'm just a witch now aimed to sand blast you off'

    Nice

    Overall my vote is going to coup, on the whole I perfered it altho both overall were nice, I felt
    Coup developed a better story

    Vote Coup
    test
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,692
    Pain up 5 to 2

    After deductions

    Coup up 2 to 0
    test
  13. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    test
  14. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    when comparing both of these rhymes... this is a simple choice for me.... j keeper kept the flow fluid, and the story was straight forward... coups flow was fluid,.. but he had a lack of multis which, imo, make a "rapmusic" verse

    the storylines were about even as i really didnt care about either... just really not the type of shit i like to read... no suspense and both climaxs didnt really get me intrigued

    vote j keeper

    his rhyming was better and coup had things like the acid reflex line, where he weas trying to force out images in our heads, but not quite giving me the image he was probably looking for
    test
  15. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2004
    Messages:
    1,729
    I agree with Pent Up for the most part about, though I think a metallic voice isn't too far of a stretch, robotic almost... there were sooo many imperatives in there. The synesthesia could have also been handled in a way that made more sense... if you pardon the pun.

    I had more, but time's almost out, so here's just one quick quote:
    How did you know I'd come ? I'm so sinister seen
    I'm a fish in, out of rusty water. Oh miserable me--- in and out? and why rusty water? like, rusty tasting as in bloody? A bit stretched, as well as sinister seen...

    J.Keeper's was actually really sweet, my second fav. this week behind CK's I think. I feel that the metaphor, like a good one should, works on both the literal and the figurative levels. It could be actual miners during an ore rush, and the gold digger women who prey upon them, as well as the more figurative jewels of 'heart' and personality and whatnot. Fishing I didn't see as out of register, hos fishin for rich miners... haha

    Vote: J.Keeps. Can explain more in pm if you'd like
    test
  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,208
    Keeper wins 7-2
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)