[Week 2] Breathless(0-1) vs InsaneVillian(0-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,600
    The Mistaken Meth Martyr

    I was a genius in the ruining,
    so who are these people to decree that I'm doin' things stupidly?
    I'm a human being, to me, that's all that matters.
    Truthfully, I'm fallin' backwards, the view I see, walls and rafters,
    shattered as support shafts buckle then break.
    I wonder how much punishment my knuckles could take...
    if I just pushed back, at the struggle I face,
    instead of lettin' it only be my own humble blood that I taste.

    Man, what a wonderful waste...such a disgrace...
    if only they'd known... Yea, I wasn't no saint,
    but I was far from the devil... they ain't one in the same.
    Although, I can see why they saw what I resembled, an' don't blame 'em,
    and why they all assembled, with the motives they made up...
    I'd be right alongside 'em for this explosive occasion.
    When torches turned to votive flames in an impromptu candlelight vigil,
    they got their answer, but how close they could've came to understandin' why's residual...

    For months all I did was work day and night, filling beakers and flasks,
    takin' notes on jumbled stacks of papers... Why'd I even take on this task?
    Growing weaker by the hour, not showering, smelling sour...
    Occasional trips to the town were...well, odd, people would cower,
    turn staring eyes downward the instant my sullen sockets met with theirs.
    I wondered why, but not caring, went on to the shops for the necessary wares.
    The store owners would hoard over me from afar, just watching,
    going about my business, I cooly made my purchases, ignoring the char of the hot seat.

    Back to the constant hum of Bunsen burners and hot plates...
    the shuffle of my documents... ahhh...
    honest comfort, made possible by old Uncle Tom's grave... ya lost the good fight, but ya fought it...thanks buddy
    I know the power bill's gotta be sky rocketin' up...
    probably along with all the toxic byproducts that come.
    But neither one'll matter once this final test is done...
    A warm and tingly feeling...no more worries about the fumes, or any other carcinogenic stuff.
    Everything seems so much brighter, it's all about to become harmless in seconds, but...

    "Wow...did you see that guy?...
    it was like lookin' at death!"
    "Yea...he's the wealthy recluse from the hillside...
    I think he's been cookin' that meth"
    "Really, why, I mean, how would ya know that?"
    "Oh, well, I work for the electric company, I'm a meter reader...
    so, as for that hermit...I think his name's Peter, either that or Herman, maybe...
    anyway, he's been nearly drainin' us dry for weeks now"

    "I see...and that would explain all a' these clouds...
    they stink to high hell...really, I tell ya
    we all might as well just go on up there and stop this fine fella.
    We'll tell 'em: 'The line fell on the day he decided to try an' sell us the shit!'..."
    "Wait now, yer truth stretchin's bein' embellished a bit much...
    I was just speculatin', you're on a whole different level, c'mon, let's go get lunch."
    "Fuck that, I'm all revved up!" ... "No, you're just drunk!..."
    And from this one dumb man began the mob that never thunk.

    "Now listen up everyone, he sold my kid the crap!
    What he's did is bad, we've gotta get him back"
    "Why not just call the authorities? Surely they'd help if they were informed of this."
    "Nah, too late, they're in it too, Energy Core just seems to be ignorin' it...
    This is up to us, the townfolk, not them brown noses at the courthouse...Pricks!
    The time is now, while we still can, before he can put more out, quick...
    Pick up your pitchforks and lanterns, gather some bundles of sticks...
    we're headed to the hillside, we're gonna torch down this bitch!"

    The collective rage caught like wildfire...
    even before they lit the kindling that couldn't be piled higher.
    The entire time he spent incitin' the riot,
    he kept his mind on bein' a mild liar,
    when he should've been keepin' his sights on the greater canvas.
    The guy inside was slavin' tirelessly to save the planet...
    They coulda thanked the savior, sure, but now, they realize, they gotta explain the occurrence after...
    They demonized a man who was just mere moments away from makin' the cure for cancer.
    test
  3. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    BOOM!!!!

    Adventures in Babysitting


    Part I

    The Baby Blues...



    You were asked to baby-sit your neighbors child while they went out fishing for the day. relaxing in the sun in the backyard by the pool with the child, the phone rings. u go to answer it. you come back outside to see the child face down in the pool dead. afraid of what will happen to you, you try an cover up this whole mess.. how the fuck do u do it?
    [/i]

    the kid with the leakin bladder is dead in his fecal matter
    his brains a disaster, plastered on this day of weekend laughter
    im seeking after who would harm this child of innocence
    since hes ruined my neighbors picket fence he hasnt been wicked since
    now im in a pinch, getting squezzed like a tourniquet
    i could be in prison for this horrid shit, its unfortunate
    but fortunately, i gotta go with all i got now
    to save me from lock down... the trustworthy doc brown

    Part II

    The Doc


    so after i drank scotch, maybe after about 8 shots
    i told the doc my problems, which he exclaimed "Great Scott!"
    i gave not my liquid courage, it hasnt come from beers for years
    i shout. shout, and let out all my tears for fears
    "it appears u need my time machine, let me find this box
    of plutonium. and let me telll you about the time paradox
    u may find it a shock, but its for the space time continuum...
    if u run into yourself, it will be the last time you see it, her or him"
    stay tuned my friends, this is far from where the story ends
    as i went back in time in doc browns delaurean

    Part III

    Back To The Future


    I go back 5 minutes before the phone rang, ducked in the alley
    alert,as if i was in maui sfter a volcano blew up the valley
    island, whatever, i stood as if on a pulpit
    this is bullshit, im gonna catch this culprit
    this fool, bitch, showed up in the same delaurean
    an old horny man, ill send him to a gory end
    for the man, quickly approached the boy
    gun in hand, whike the kids engrossed in toys
    i spoke real coy, "ill frickin make your heart stop tickin!"
    he fricken looked at me and laughed, then called me "chicken"
    this prick is gonna get it, i knew his stiff manner
    as an older version of my neighbor.... biff tannen
    whats maddening is hes killin this boy over a picket fence
    and thats when i dropped 5 bullets in him like he was 50 cent
    in a fit, somehow he got his car, dunno if he survived
    if hes alive hes a soldier. but im sure he died

    *old Biff Tannen dies in Back to the future 2 after coming back from 1985*
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  4. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,243
    ah. here we go.

    Breathless ----- This was starting out really good. The flow was nice and smooth. Fluid. You had some really unconventional multies in the first stanza.
    I really liked how this part here was going.

    "..I'm a human being, to me, that's all that matters.
    Truthfully, I'm fallin' backwards, the view I see, walls and rafters,
    shattered as support shafts buckle then break.
    I wonder how much punishment my knuckles could take...
    if I just pushed back, at the struggle I face,
    instead of lettin' it only be my own humble blood that I taste.."

    I just didn't quite understand the humble blood that I taste part on the last line. I was trying to envision how you were trying to get that idea across. But that first part flowed just so nice and had a nice roll to it when I was reciting it. As I kept reading I found the multies in this more forced, thus making the flow a little awkward. Some of the lines also seemed too long when reading it that I felt as if you were rambling on at times. The storyteller part of your verse I had gripes with, just because I couldn't get into the mechanics of your writing felt faulty off an on. this was an ok piece. I just expected more I guess.

    IV ------ this came on really strong with multies in the beggining. I'm not sure if I liked that or not. like too much too quick. I think multies sometimes take away content from the verse, and mess up things a little. you feel me? Like what was the leakin bladder about? and what significance does it hold besides just being a rhyming word in there for the sake of it? This too like breathless' story started out strong and petered out as I read on. The story carried on well in that regards, but your lines kept growing and the flow got worse. Some of the multies felt forced and sounded just awkward to me. like the engrossed in toys part. similar to breathless, I expected more from you. Because I've heard about you prior to reading. I hope to read more from both of you and see some better work.


    I think this battle was pretty close. I felt both writers came with a fairly even level of skill. I think IV took this as I followed his story a little easier. good work both of you though. I wanna see shorter lines next week. potent but shorter snappier bars.

    V/ IV
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
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  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    IV - so 'you' (marty mcfly?) went back in time 5 minutes before the phone rang, and found biff tannen - your future arch nemesis (if i recall correctly) killing some kid you are babysitting. Did i get that right? I mean, then you shoot biff and he bounces or whatever but i got the other part right, right? that's wild. it took me two reads to figure out how that worked..im dumb these days though. There were a lot of typos and some forced rhymes/wording in here that really made the piece feel sophomoric. There were lines where things like "in the valley" were used just for rhymes, and then you said "island" in the next line...WHY THE FUCK U CONFUSE ME FOR FOOL. Several of the rhymes were broken multis which is blah - such as find the box/time paradox because it's missing a syllable.
    Those are mostly overlookable unless they are overwhelming. The thing that REALLY irked me with the verse is you spent a good half of it describing the ideas behind a movie we are all(or at least i am) familiar with. WASTING a bunch of space. Why do I want to read IV's rhyme rendition of back to the future? Either I know the characters or I dont and I get the subtle nuances or I dont, but spending 24 lines of a 48 line verse (just guessing) describing a product that already exists just takes away from you being able to evolve YOUR story more. I dont know, that bothered me.

    Breathless - The concept behind the story is both cool and done alot. The dialogue was horrible to read - I think to hear it it might've been better if you had actors (lol); the 'voices' you gave them, while individualized, didnt really fit together and it kind of seemed like you were using some things for rhymes. two things that really bothered me in the first stanza were that blood can't be 'humble' and what is 'the ruining'?? besides a rhyme? if its an event it needs to be capitalized: The Ruining; if its not then its grammatically incorrect and confuses me. The thing that bothers me the most is the way the mob was brought together "theres a quiet guy" "he lives on the hill and uses energy" "how do u know" "im a meter maid" (lol i know power meter) "oh?" "yeah he makes meth" RAAAAH MOB ...NO lol. I think you had a great concept and set up the imagery well you just need to flesh out the kinks in your storytelling/blueprinting ideas.

    overall - This battle was alright - I think that InsaneVillian came with a better verse. With that said - I think both had similar problems but Breathless is just less polished. If Breathless works on his storytelling blueprinting he couldve had the better verse - I think the feasibility of how everything occurred struck me as lackluster. IV had a similar issue except his revolved around using a blueprint that was unnecessary - but the blueprint itself was still good. IV also edged this match in terms of rhymes and grammer - though he did have typos.
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  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Breathless - Your title gave away the nice ending...I did not notice it my first read the other day though. I was cheering on the inside when the twist came that he was in fact mislabeled as a bent out meth head instead of his true purpose of curing cancer in the lab...nice little take man. I felt your written voice was good and you gave some life into the characters. I did not have to reread this at all, nice enjoyable read...

    The lines were mad stretched though, for real. This is going to hurt you in the future I think. People are picky like that. Clean up the lines and this would present much better. Flow would increase and the word efficiency would just benefit everyone.

    This was a basic a-z account and though nothing original or fresh, it was enjoyable to read. No major complaints other than the bars being mad sloppy. Rhymes were there and it stitched it together well enough.

    I always like a smooth easy to read piece. This was it. basic, nothing special but this was successful in what it wanted to do. No imagery really, no poetic concepts but just a straight narrative that I can appreciate.


    IV - I don't like how you have BOOM in the beginning. It comes off as immature and just silly to me.


    the kid with the leakin bladder is dead in his fecal matter
    his brains a disaster, plastered on this day of weekend laughter
    im seeking after who would harm this child of innocence
    since hes ruined my neighbors picket fence he hasnt been wicked since
    now im in a pinch, getting squezzed like a tourniquet
    i could be in prison for this horrid shit, its unfortunate
    but fortunately, i gotta go with all i got now
    to save me from lock down... the trustworthy doc brown


    Tight opening and the rhymes were on point and you deployed very clever setups. everything about to happen, or told to the reader, happened in a smooth, intelligent way. Nothing seem forced and that was your best asset. In fact the whole 3 stanza piece rhymed in a very suiting, face paced way and it was right for the topic. I enjoyed it :)

    I liked the spin on back 2 the future, I think you did it justice. I smiled when I seen you used plutonium haha Good stuff. I like also the narrative and tone of voice you wrote in. Like breathless, this was not poetic and it did not have to be. Both of you came straight up narrative without complex poetics or metas, imagery, similes etc..Also, use proper grammar. A lot of typos and that just shows either laziness or ignorance.


    V- IV


    If any of you had went up against a poetic piece, you might be in trouble. If I could say one thing to the both of you, I'd say incoprorate in poetic concepts. Other than that, great battle. IV gets the vote for a more polished and sophisticated delivery that proved to me to be more engaging.
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  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    Breath:
    Awesome title, straight up and ending was very poetic.. Overall story I felt there was times when I was driven with the story, meaning each step forward - I moved with it. So your progression in this story at times was right on track. Then there was other times when it just felt like filler.. Either was the major revelation at the end was good enough to tie this verse together.. Good drop dude..

    Fav Lines;
    They demonized a man who was just mere moments away from makin' the cure for cancer.

    IV:
    I believe you started off so strong, the depiction and the rhyming, internals and what not was all top notch.. I think second stanza you fell off though.. It felt like I was reading a cypher not a well written verse.. The overall story is cool but the major twist to me wasn’t that outstanding.. Delivered through out it was up and down but still a solid piece of writing.. Comical and enjoyable..

    Fav lines;
    im seeking after who would harm this child of innocence
    since hes ruined my neighbors picket fence he hasnt been wicked since
    now im in a pinch, getting squezzed like a tourniquet
    i could be in prison for this horrid shit, its unfortunate

    vote = Breathless

    This was tough cause both stories had their positive and negatives and in the end breathless final twist was more original. Imo.. Good luck guys, nice battle.
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  8. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Breathless -- nice twist at the end....Because as I approached the end and before I read the last line I was asking myself....how is this dude a martyr? But you did a great job. A nicely developed story, nothing too metaphorical or poetic about it, but still a very nice story that can keep the interest. Some of your wording was sick in the beginning and then the second half it was as though you just started writing to wrap up the beautiful picture you painted in the begining. Try to keep your story together as a whole, that is in writing style.


    IV -- The twist on the topic is original but I was looking for emotions. I think you could have done alot better with this story if you took it from the expected angle and added a little emotional or thought provoking twist, like a back story to the relationship between the parents and you as babysitter. However, you didn't choose to go that route. Therefore I'm going to comment on that. There was no emotion in this. I felt nothing. It was a quick story, very basic, with an original idea with unoriginal characters. It started off very well, flowed nice and all. But once the kid met Doc Brown it seemed like a cartoon. You could have built so much emotion and drew so many pictures to this story and had my heart rushing with this topic, but you didn't. It is a story in all the elements of a story, but it seems very elementry its entirety. Good mechanics and bar structure though. I agree completely with CK's critique to your verse.



    Vote: Breathless


    I voted for Breathless because his story had emotion, had imagery, had mood, and had tone. I just think IV's verse was not taken seriously, and it seems rushed. Breathless had character development and IV did not.
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Breathless - I thought the story was good but the delivery was very sloppy. Lines like "I wasn't no saint," were just awkward and choppy. The delivery just wasn't natural to me and it made the story difficult to read. When using lines like "I wasn't no saint," you could use these when a character is actually speaking to portray how the character speaks. However when telling a story, you have to be careful when you use lines like that because you'll lose interest from some readers and it'll hurt the read of your story. Other than that, the story was good and the pace of the story was nice. I'd work on your delivery a bit and try reading it aloud to help see how a reader would read it. Good work tho


    IV - I'm a huge fan of stories where the writer steps out of his comfort zone. I thought this story was nice and a lot different from what i would have done. The problem to me was that there where lines where you focused more on the internal rhyming than the progression or descriptive of the story. Also, you didn't really provide good imagery. Let me explain what i mean. You painted a picture for me to follow but it was very vague. You didn't force me to see what you wanted me to see but actually let me see what i wanted, which is good in some areas but in these kinds of topics, you want to make me see your vision of what the character saw. I think the overuse of rhyming here probably hurt that. As a father, my thought is that the babysitter would feel something at the sight of the child. I didn't really get a sense of shock, pain or any real emotion other than trying to fix the problem. Which was confusing to me because the sitter didn't kill the child nor was he negligent. You wrote the story as if you had done something wrong. I think that if you wrote about your emotions in the matter, i would have gotten a different sense on it. Still a good piece of work.



    This was a hard battle match decide on. Both writers showed promise but the delivery was the issue here. My vote goes to IV only because his story was written clearer than Breath's...good matchup guys


    V/ IV
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  10. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Breathlesss - All in all your verse made for a pretty decent read
    there were some nice lines in there altho there were a few lines that
    seemed to not rhyme and at times its threw my off a little bit while
    reading it. Examples

    'When torches turned to votive flames in an impromptu candlelight vigil,
    they got their answer, but how close they could've came to understandin' why's residual...'

    Dunno just seemed to throw me off a little bit

    'Back to the constant hum of Bunsen burners and hot plates...
    the shuffle of my documents... ahhh...
    honest comfort, made possible by old Uncle Tom's grave... ya lost the good fight, but ya fought it...thanks buddy'

    Same with this one too, also a little over streched.

    Iv - great verse here, flowed very well throughout and there were some nice movie
    refrences.

    'so after i drank scotch, maybe after about 8 shots
    i told the doc my problems, which he exclaimed "Great Scott!"'

    hehe nice

    Nice match here guys, but I got Iv taking this.

    vote- Iv
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    IV up 4 to 2

    after deductions

    IV up -1 to -3
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  12. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2004
    Messages:
    1,729
    Well fuckin bawls, I wish I'd copy/pasted that vote before I posted it. Timed out bullshit. Anyway, this will be a little briefer than my earlier attempt was.

    Breathless:

    You had me... you had me til about here:

    they got their answer, but how close they could've came to understandin' why's residual...

    After that the crazy flow you'd build began to break down a bit. The grouping around downward/cowered was sick though also. The story was quite predictable, and I guess an issue I have with the ending is how did they know, (as indicated, that "they realize") that he was moments away from discovering the cure for cancer? Did all of his research get destroyed, but not him? Or the opposite, and certain key, but not just moments-away vital information was destroyed stopping the cure from being finished?

    IV:

    Nice twist on the topic with Back to the Future, numerous shoutouts (chicken, valley I took to mean Hill Valley where BttF is set, and the Great Scott amongst others), and I'm not sure if it's because I've been listening to a lot of Slick Rick recently, but even though this isn't the hyper-poetic style of rstl verse I normally gravitate to, I thoroughly enjoyed this.

    Vote IV
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  13. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    Breathless:
    I enjoyed your verse. just a little critique. there was some parts of the story that just threw me all off. the dialogue was okay, but it sorta confused me, and seemed sorta thrown together but as for the story you had great twist and ending OMG that was really the power point, you saved it for the closer which i didn't see coming @ all. which impressed me bc it reallly brought emotion out and made me mad at the mob haha..
    just be careful with the flows and try not to stretch them out too far.

    Iv: wow man this verse too was enjoyable as well.. your story was fundamentally solid it's just no real raw emotion was drawn out. I mean I almost read thru it mundane to the end. and was like. "oh, it's over" i mean you need to develope more emotion outta your characters. as for describing scenes and moving the narrative along you managed to do that fluidly. but where you story lacked was in conviction. and it wasn't as convincing as breath's.

    vote-Breath

    better ending although IV had some solid fundementals Breath captured the emotional qualities that draw me into stories ( although some of his narration seemed sorta rushed)
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  14. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    it was actually 5-2 when shadow did his thing....

    now its 6-3
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  15. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Breathless: Your rhymes were really solid, especially in the beginning. As the piece progressed, the flow became more and more stretched, as well as the wording. I think if you woulda kept the momentum built by the beginning, you would've been much better off. The rhyme scheme was intricate and well-executed, then kind of faltered. Your dialogue needs work, it really didn't feel natural at all. The concept was well-executed and overall, this was a really nice piece. Iron out some kinks and you won't lose those few votes.

    IV: I mean, kudos for creativity homie. The take on the piece of really a magnificent parody of both a real life situation and a fictional one, and really, I mean, damn. Your mechanics need that work though. The flow was smooth enough, but the rhymes were jagged, the wording was choppy, and it didn't really matter how well you flowed, it still made for a choppy read. You need to work on clarity as well, I did get lost and had to reread a few things. However, the concept was fucking borderline genius.

    Vote - Breathless. IV's concept was really dope, but I'm a sucker for mechanics, and Breathless was better in that department.
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  16. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    16,814
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  17. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    1,177
    I.V. - As for the story, you had me until right here. It was a slap in the face.. I'd already accepted a back to the future spin off, that's cool.. but I didn't like the movie in the first place.
    I go back 5 minutes before the phone rang, ducked in the alley
    alert,as if i was in maui
    sfter a volcano blew up the valley
    island, whatever, i stood as if on a pulpit


    "island, whatever." :wtf: I went from being in a story, to listening to you try and tell me the story's ending.
    i liked
    whats maddening is hes killin this boy over a picket fence
    and thats when i dropped 5 bullets in him like he was 50 cent

    just thought it was funny. made me laugh. the great scott line did too.
    Although you put a lot of effort into a twist on the movie plot, it had no effect on me because I have not seen the second or third ones and didn't care for the first to begin with.

    Breathless
    the story as a whole I like. I just think the bars were a little stretched out.
    but altogether, I enjoyed the verse, very much.
    my favorite stanza :
    For months all I did was work day and night, filling beakers and flasks,
    takin' notes on jumbled stacks of papers... Why'd I even take on this task?
    Growing weaker by the hour, not showering, smelling sour...
    Occasional trips to the town were...well, odd, people would cower,
    turn staring eyes downward the instant my sullen sockets met with theirs.
    I wondered why, but not caring, went on to the shops for the necessary wares.
    The store owners would hoard over me from afar, just watching,
    going about my business, I cooly made my purchases, ignoring the char of the hot seat.


    Win: breathless. I enjoyed the way your character was portrayed. the twist at the end was cool, but not as strong as I.V.'s. It took me a while before I decided the stand alone story wins.
    test
  18. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    test
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