[Week 2] Anaphora(0-0) vs Cereal_Killer(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Dragon's Gate
    ..
    To dream a dream held between the rebirth of queens
    And the thirst of thieves,
    Won’t thrive inside disturbing sleep
    Because I am defined and nursed by peace - of mind
    Unleashed I strive, glide headfirst through streams I dive
    The koi fish represents courage in chaos
    As it hurries through the glassy waters of Tao’s
    I am a daughter of Han taught to prevail
    Caught in the slaughter of man and the morphing of scales
    想像力是很重要
    Imagination is important
    This is my tale
    ..
    [​IMG]
    ..
    Outside my ge beneath the burst of fall I perch
    As my hanfu whisks in the wind which hauls my words
    Delicate sun spots shimmer to celebrate within my iris
    Fire red sinensis send my sense of speech to silence
    Wired inside like ripe wine, my hair is coloured crystal
    A teen with the esteem of most white collar people
    Seek through the peephole of normality and I am not there
    A rare and unique breed, hand moulded through the lord’s prayers
    A Pantheon pious, the mirror of an Earth bound comet
    Since birth I have emerged as honest as ones promise
    I propel past the fields and string along the plots of growth
    As my father plays mah jong, I’m unaware of what he owes
    I reach the cliff to lift out a blooming hibiscus by the stalk
    The aromas swift, a gift which starts moving in whispers where I walk
    I follow it to the edge in marvel of the decent
    As tunnel vision emits from a blade in my chest
    A man retracts his dagger and quietly murmurs my fate
    “You will die in grace but know your fathers debts been paid”
    I plummet, a steep slide through rocks and branches
    Enhanced by shock, forgotten is where I land, wet
    Lost in the waters bed, I sink beneath the flow
    Dragged down river for the mouth to swallow me whole
    My virgin soul and perseverance begin to unite
    As I strive through rap-ids, rap-idly defined in sun light
    Tugged by the chain of weeds, I exceed the grasp of pain
    To clasp with change past the heavenly rivers last unclaimed
    My stage is vast; stretching beyond mortal perception
    My act - to cast one last dream of an important discretion
    I free myself, transformed into a water dragon in flight
    I have survived but only where your imagination does lie
    ..
    To dream a dream held between the rebirth of queens
    And the thirst of thieves,
    Won’t thrive inside disturbing sleep
    Because I am defined and nursed by peace - of mind
    Unleashed I strive, glide headfirst through streams I dive
    The koi fish represents courage in chaos
    As it hurries through the glassy waters of Tao’s
    I am a daughter of Han taught to prevail
    Caught in the slaughter of man and the morphing of scales
    想像力是很重要
    ..

    The End
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  4. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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  5. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    [​IMG]


    Some say we take creation to heart, and they're right.
    We spawn from sperm to earthly germ like squirming parasites,
    birthing and birthing more uncannily to eat up this paradise.
    But when they claim some take creation to heart, they say my family.
    You see, Lucy's the worst, cursed with curiosity and magnanimity--
    her high minded creations: disasters, despite intended innocence.
    And in a sense, that is reminiscent of all gifts we give, and gifts we get.

    No fault out of the ordinary,
    Lucy was bored and wary
    of adult conversations so blatant and harried.
    She enjoyed idiosyncracies and trinkets, see,
    Lucy liked conjuring things
    when life got plain and uninteresting.
    She began to seem upset and unglued when
    she pursued a contest of speed besting
    with cousins at a family reunion.
    Her summoned paper hummingbird
    was stunned and flip-flapped under their
    jeering conjured hawks and planes
    and couldn't scrape to even come in third.
    The race disgraced what her cunning stirred.
    Crushed, hurt, unduly flushed and disturbed.
    Lucy truly retreated to her peace of mind
    and slowly conjured a koi with ease of a kind
    whose grace and speed could please the sublime.
    The next year the adolescent pack of boys
    conjured eagles and pheasants and stacks of toys
    while Lucy lucidly floated her black koi.
    They laughed at coy Lucy for a bad try
    at their pasttime this one last time.
    Not only did she humiliate the boys
    with their raptors and racing toys,
    but after taking first place the graceful koi
    turned, raced and ate their birds
    which only further alienated her.

    Alone with her creations and powers
    she spent days and weeks of hours
    making something out of nothing in tiny pops--
    flocks of finely cropped lively props.
    They'd float and fly and grow old and die
    right in front of her unsmiling, soulful eyes.
    So she tried to perpetuate life and gave them seeds,
    ovum of self for propagating free.
    A lonesome girl sustaining life for her own complacency.
    This broke taboo and drew to disaster,
    they spawned so fast there ran too many to capture.
    Men without their master plans who just ate
    and crapped faster than swooned.
    The land was infested with naked, scared baboons
    for whom she made looms, fire and hot air balloons.
    They spread and screwed and ate and
    we couldn't contain their contamination.
    Soon they grew to the size of the one who made them
    and we knew it was time for evacuation.
    Oh, some stayed on the once-vacation planet,
    like Lucy, who demands she didn't plan it,
    but, empathic, she somehow retained affinity
    for the ignorance that still plagues her handmade mimicry.

    When they claim some take creation to heart, they mean my family.
    You see, Lucy's the worst, cursed with curiosity and magnanimity--
    her high minded creations: disasters, despite intended innocence.
    And in a sense, that is reminiscent of all gifts we give, and gifts we get.


    ----

    Other topics either buried in the verse, used, or which helped inspire aspects of the piece:

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    as well as Smiling Eyes and Taboo from the topics section.
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  6. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    CK -- I sense there is so much more going on here than meets the eye. I sense that there can be multiple ways a reader can interpret this. Either, this bitch day dreams alot about some crazy shit, she's dead now and the last line of the story was a ghostly daydream, or she had a near death experience. I am unsure exactly what you got going on here, I just know that the images you painted were beautiful. I love your wording, word choice, irony, wordplay, and metaphors. Very good mechanics and rhyming as well. It had a simple story yet kept my interest the brilliance in the writing. Good stuff.


    Ana -- don't say innocence and in a sense....millions of emcees have already used that and it's really starting to get played. Moreover, this story just isn't cuttin it for me, cuz basically I have no idea what's really going on here. I'm lost, very lost. What is speed besting? From context clues I figure that its like a kite race? Am I right or wrong? Probably wrong.... I don't know, I just really dont get the story as a whole. I do see where you utilized each picture topic in your verse and you did it in a very original way. I'm just unable to keep up with the story. From what I got from it is this: "Lucy likes to build shit, she made something for a kite race and lost to the boys, then she went home and made a fish kite and won, then she was an outcast for winning and beating the boys, then she got OCD and started making a bunch of more kites that shit over everyone." If I'm wrong please correct me so I can better appreciate this verse.



    Vote CK

    I think CK had an easier verse to understand and more poetic verse.
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  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,096
    CK - I like the 想像力是很重要 flairs. It gave the piece some atmosphere and I thought it went well with the picture. Not sure if I understood what was going on though or how the picture unites in the verse...I'm either dumb or blind or right. I did not really follow this or nor could I pick out a meaning. Rhymes where great and the flow was steady streaming. Loved that aspect, as always.

    To dream a dream held between the rebirth of queens
    And the thirst of thieves,
    Won’t thrive inside disturbing sleep
    Because I am defined and nursed by peace - of mind
    Unleashed I strive, glide headfirst through streams I dive
    The koi fish represents courage in chaos
    As it hurries through the glassy waters of Tao’s
    I am a daughter of Han taught to prevail
    Caught in the slaughter of man and the morphing of scales
    想像力是很重要
    Imagination is important
    This is my tale


    Brilliant opening. I read this several times and just decided that she was dreaming somewhere between reality and some astral plain...but so what ? Didn't sense a reason for the rhyme or rhyme for the reason. I didn't know who was talking or why...I was completely lost in this...too much detail for such an ambiguous trek. But I, after reading about 7 times, finally figured that she transformed into the fish through genesis of her dream...I like that. But in my first read, I had no idea what was happening...to detailed and I felt like I walked into a middle of a movie trying to figure out what was happening.



    Anaphora - I got a sense of a lonely girl in a big bad world being alienated by her own unique genuis...so to speak. She prevails and stood her ground, like coming of age. This was not really engaging to me...kind of like you just said it all and hardly showed anything. A lot was going on and a lot of ideas and themes I did pick out. I read this a few times and came away felling incomplete.

    I like how the opening indicates it's about Lucy and at the end it indicates it's about the creation she made that became larger than her failures...This took me several reads to figure out...It was not easy to spot and I felt you could have delivered this idea in a more engaging, enjoyable way. I was not entertained. but I like the original fresh idea...too many verses I think today are cliché straight from a movie scene. This was fresh, but just too basic and not much depth other than the wording in the verse that is saying so, but it didn't really show.


    V -Ck

    This was hard to vote on...Both pics were poorly represented. Both were a chore to read.
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  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    this is a very tough battle to vote on....

    i recognized the great structures. the multis from both... but the "story's" were really hard to get into .... i felt if i was just drowned in imagery in both pieces and rhyme scheme, but the storys both lacked a major moment, a strong climax, that made me goooo ooooohhhh shit... or at least make me sit up in my seat

    anaphora had me getting into it here

    Alone with her creations and powers
    she spent days and weeks of hours
    making something out of nothing in tiny pops--
    flocks of finely cropped lively props.
    They'd float and fly and grow old and die
    right in front of her unsmiling, soulful eyes.

    but then the descriptions kept on coming,

    So she tried to perpetuate life and gave them seeds,
    ovum of self for propagating free.
    A lonesome girl sustaining life for her own complacency.
    This broke taboo and drew to disaster,
    they spawned so fast there ran too many to capture.
    Men without their master plans who just ate
    and crapped faster than swooned.
    The land was infested with naked, scared baboons
    for whom she made looms, fire and hot air balloons.
    They spread and screwed and ate and
    we couldn't contain their contamination.
    Soon they grew to the size of the one who made them

    and i wasnt lost in this sdtanza, but it didnt really get me going near the end of a verse cuz it didnt climax well... as you just kept on going... i thought with that opening to the stanza (which i posted above) u had an oppurtunity to seal the deal if u woulda brought more intensity....

    ck's opening was stellar.... and even though i didnt care about the story i got it from beginning to end... what can i say? the koi doesnt interested me lol.... i have to ssay your vocab has improved tenfold from what you wrote in 2003... however this verse was kind of playing it safe for you, cuz if i remember correctly you can be quite creative...

    since the writing was close to even, ck didnt quite have an engaging climax either

    My virgin soul and perseverance begin to unite
    As I strive through rap-ids, rap-idly defined in sun light
    Tugged by the chain of weeds, I exceed the grasp of pain
    To clasp with change past the heavenly rivers last unclaimed
    My stage is vast; stretching beyond mortal perception
    My act - to cast one last dream of an important discretion
    I free myself, transformed into a water dragon in flight
    I have survived but only where your imagination does lie

    which leads to the first stanza we heard in the piece repeating as a closer...

    i dont think i learned anything too much about the character in cks verse as it was just a visual delight as welll

    ahhhhhhh

    fuck this is tough... cuz ana kind of also did the same thing with his beginning and ending, just a little bit quicker with it....

    okay i just read both again.... cks female character gets killed, for an unknown debt of her father, and the climax i suppose, is the transformation into death, but still alive in "spirit" which is where the imagination comes in....

    just re read ana's verse.... i reaslly love how you write man, but the ending just didnt really catch me.... and after re reading cks verse i kind iof understand whats going on, but the climax should have been getting killed in my opinion... it happened kind iof too fast and i didnt give a shit about the many different forms she took till i got the final result....

    i honestly wanna write about the fathers debt now lol.... which i think would make an even more etertaining story...lol

    still no closure on why she really had to die , or the fathers gratitude or gult on what happened... i think with stronger development this story could have done more

    fuck i gotta vote and stop rambling

    vote ck... i kind if enjoyed anas writynig a little bit better, but with my lack of engagement into his verse and my apparent full understanding of cks verse,... i just feel he edged it out cuz i didnt get the relevance.... bnoth please pm me and discuss with me about what your full purposes were on these verses... id love to hear it
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689
    CK - I liked where you took this story constantly linking the character to the flow of the fish. Lines like this

    "Enhanced by shock, forgotten is where I land, wet
    Lost in the waters bed, I sink beneath the flow"

    were well written. From the start of your story, you gave the reader key points to help show them what you wanted us to see. Yet, you did this without spending too much time on it. This is something i have a problem with and yet you have excelled at it here. nicely done here


    Anaphora - lol i enjoyed this actually. I was surprised at how you turned this. It started off kind of slow for me but you really took off for me. I loved the sweet revenge at the end of the second stanza, which was why i lol'd. What is amazing about this writing was that the internal rhyming didn't take away from the imagery of the story. A lot of times i see people fill their stories with rhymes and it clutters them up but here was nice. I had to look up 'magnanimity' because i've never heard anyone say that before. Impressive verse here.


    Overall i enjoyed this matchup the best this week. Both writers did well but i gotta get this to Anaphora. His story had me rooting for the character which is really what i enjoy about storytelling.. good work her guys

    V/ Anaphora
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  10. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    CK - This shit is the dopest thing I've read from you in a long time. The language was poetic but not superfluous, the flow was smooth and rhythmic, and the story well told with such beautiful imagery (which was always your strong suit). It developed well, and your use of the topic was creative, as was the overall direction of your piece. I really don't have any criticisms, great read.

    Anaphora - First of all, great piece. Some criticism though.
    Some say we take creation to heart, and they're right.
    We spawn from sperm to earthly germ like squirming parasites,
    birthing and birthing more uncannily to eat up this paradise.
    But when they claim some take creation to heart, they say my family.
    You see, Lucy's the worst, cursed with curiosity and magnanimity--
    her high minded creations: disasters, despite intended innocence.
    And in a sense, that is reminiscent of all gifts we give, and gifts we get.
    ^The uncannily and magnamity lines are examples of a greater problem throughout the piece, the language sometimes seems forced, used for the sake of language rather than for the sake of the message. It leads to a choppier read.

    The piece was good, the concept original enough and executed with individuality, but it all seemed... pretentious? I suppose would be the best way to say it. Seemed like you weren't trying to convey a message, but were rather trying to show how well you could use words, and kind of slipped up because of it.

    I'd rather like to see something more natural from you.

    Vote - CK.
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  11. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    24,097
    Ck:
    first of I don't know why or if you thought chaos rhyme with Taos. but incase u did, it doesnt' I hope Im wrong tho and you knew that but any ways the structure was immaculate, flow was off and on but for the most part on..story wise i felt that the story described enough and you went into great detail to describe the focal part of the story. so altogether the story was great, some parts didn't hit me b/c of the choice of words or intellect, im sorta more simple audience. when you get all fancy it goes over my head but good piece bro.

    Ana:
    I loved the momentum you started your verse off with, good tactic the flow was on in some areas and off, but I loved how your verse reminded me of another great writer in this league. idk if it's muti or who but ya it's def a rare style but you did good. story wise i felt that this story was good. but too open ended and no real resolution .. just keep practicing and working on new story telling techniques..

    vote - Ck

    slightly edged this more structure and story development.
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    CK up 5 to -3
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  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Ana - "You see, Lucy's the worst, cursed with curiosity and magnanimity--
    her high minded creations: disasters, despite intended innocence.
    And in a sense, that is reminiscent of all gifts we give, and gifts we get."

    That is the perfect way to end an introductory stanza - It sets up a lot of possibilities, however they are thematically linear possibilities; it also establishes some character traits that are likely to bloom other traits later on. It is open ended enough to keep me interested, yet specific enough to get me thinking about things. For example - the disasters/intended innocence theme automatically makes me think nuclear bombs, weather devices and biological weapons.

    Now I'm at the family reunion (the beginning of it) and you've switched your scheme to A/B/C/B and that bothers me. Poetically - there's no reason to keep your lines short, and it would only benefit you to have your rhymes easier for some people (ahem) to see. Structurally I can sort of see the jovial nature of the main body verses compares to the opening and closing stanzas. Again, I haven't read the whole thing but judging it as it lay on the page (so to speak) - I can see how the structure could serve but I dont find it necessary. Moving on.
    you have "peace of mind"/ease of a kind/please the sublime" - that face that peace of mind is a syllable short messes with the whole structure. Phonetically ease of a kind and please the sublime work by themselves, but because you set the sounds with "peace of mind" I keep counting in three's when I finish the line and both the following rhymes feel broken. I suppose I'm going to be alone there - but my point is to keep things a little more uniform - not to the point of predictability but rather to mask things that are uneven.

    In terms of your story, at this point - it seems that the little girl and her cousins are throwing paper airplanes (or birds, as they see them) during some family get together. After Lucy loses she makes a Koi which wins...and what befuddles me is - how can an oragami fish fly? I'll keep reading before I pass judgement but thematically and story wise, this is all set up very nicely.

    ok - now done. I see you went with a huge sci-fi setting, and i was reading it with a little more emphasis on reality. I think what this verse is missing is a little more action-imagery of the little hellions actually taking over the earth. Like first they invaded little deli's for food...or first they only went have ant's as their food. and then they grew and became hungry for bigger game until they disrupted our food chain enough to cause the planet to be almost uninhabitable for us. I also wasn't a fan with some of your wording - and not in the grammatical sense (almost all the time i found your grammar perfect except in the first stanza where I found some things to be awkward); but in assonance and meter. Words used more because they sounded like previous words being used - like "black koi/coy lucy" and also in terms of rhymes like "baboons/made looms" I think it disrupts the reading spead in a sense, and if you're going to use rhymes they need to be placed more carefully. I've had a lot to say about this verse, and honestly I have more to say but the fact that I was this engaged in your verse should be taken as a great sign. Lastly I'd like to say that the undertoned thematic events of your verse relate to a sort of virus spreading, or maybe something of the biblical locusts events - and the only reason i tihnk that is because of my initial thought with biological warefare/atom bombs. There was a companionship that she harbored for her little creations and even though she lost the rest of her world this girl stayed with who she considered her family. I think. Hope I did something for you here as a voter.

    Cereal - First of all, I'm going to apologize in advance IF your breakdown isn't as long as ana got. I just kind of went off, but I might here too.
    The first thing I notice about your verse is that there are strong thematic events that you underplay. The game of mah jong and how it effects everything was only briskly described, and once again reprized in the murder scene; the transformation of the koi to the dragon was one of the most powerful thematic things in your verse and you didn't really explain it that much - that bothered me. I feel like everything in the beginning was done at the wrong speed. The climb to the peak took to long; the focus of imagery and rationale behind the murder were too quick. The most interesting part was the ending of the main body. It was an out of body experience painted in such cinematic lucidity but it felt like it almost came from nowhere in respect to the speed of the rest of the story. Also - characterization - I didnt care for the character UNTIL the end, again. The power of the end of this verse supersedes and trumps the remaining everything - and that makes it feel empty. Some really well thought out wording, and some misplaced wording that I assume is victim of accents that both make me smile and cringe. yeah. shit. sorry. thats all I got.

    Overall - I hate how uneven these feedback sections look. ugh. sorry CK. Its kind of obvious, to me, that my breakdown size indicates I was more engaged by Anaphora, however, that isn't to say anything bad about CK. CK came with a strong showing, and a great concept that I think just faltered in an area of importance. His verse finished very strongly and is something I wish would be revisited and expanded upon. Concept for concept and story for story though, I feel CK got edged out on this day.
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  14. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,177
    ck- these lines stuck out to me especially
    The koi fish represents courage in chaos
    As it hurries through the glassy waters of Tao’s"

    In Taoism, Chinese Buddhism and Confucianism, the object of spiritual practice is to 'become one with the tao' (Tao Te Ching) or to harmonise one's will with Nature (cf. Stoicism) in order to achieve 'effortless action' (Wu wei).Tao - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    after i read that.. I was amazed.

    Anaphora - I really enjoyed your piece, it was written well and I can't really point out any points I didn't like. I'm very rushed on reading/responding, and I apologize for not fully understanding your verse.. but I still think it was very, very good.

    win- ck. his drop blew me away. it was extremely smooth, and deep. an easy ready I enjoyed immensely.
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  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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