[Week 19][Contender] 3. Breathless(7-11) vs 4. *Ender_Wiggins*(0-0) vs5. Patrown(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, May 22, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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    AIM NAMES
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  2. *Ender_Wiggins*

    *Ender_Wiggins* New Member

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    Check Check. 1-2 1-2
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  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Cuidado, piso de mojavo
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  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Coming of Age

    If the time will ever come, then, its prob'ly now
    I wouldn't switch this life with anyone's, even when I'm down and out
    I just wish that I had more than ten dollars, and less problems
    but if I bitch and whine any longer, I doubt I'll ever solve 'em

    I was shielded from pain, never dealin' with the harm I dealt
    Now it's peelin' off like paint, I gotta feel what my armor felt
    It's startin' to settle in, ev'rything real's gettin' hard to tell
    apart from what never is, but I see all the relevance
    ...never envisioned with the darkness I was dwellin' in
    I just needed a better image and to sharpen up the pencil tip
    Stencil in the shadows and fine lines...
    Get a grip on this reality and eventually find mine
    ...It's an adventure through time's spiraled spring
    Ev'ry single step I take, I wind up on the other side a' things
    ...I'd die to bring my old self back
    ...but I don't think I can, so I can't
    There's no drink or magic potion I can swallow to travel
    to the past before the brink of where I followed the battle
    But that'll be impossible anyhow. I'm hostage to
    a captor who's trapped in my subconscious and wanting out

    So if the time will ever come, then, it's prob'ly now
    I wouldn't switch this life with anyone's, even when I'm down and out
    I just wish that I had more than ten dollars, and less problems
    but if I bitch and whine any longer, I doubt I'll ever solve 'em

    I'll still act like a warrior, with a forty four magnum
    in my back, not strapped, just stuck with hands up
    gettin' jacked by a thug down on his luck who wants crack
    What.. did I ever do to deserve this crap?
    What... missing karmic dues did I forget I had?
    What, is it makin' you wanna get attached?
    'Cause if I say and do what I've did in the past
    then it's the same for you once opinions have clashed
    Go ahead and begin at the last good thing remembered
    instead of the vast could've been something betters
    But never lose the memories locked inside your mind's vault
    You might've thought everything gone, in time will die off
    But I'm a chief example of survival when high walls
    always block the paths, but not climbin' 'em, if I fall
    it's over with, there's no more sense in holdin' on than hopin' god'll dig
    a hole through all these obstacles and lift his folded palms

    And if the time will ever come, then, it's prob'ly now
    I wouldn't switch this life with anyone's, even when I'm down and out
    I just wish that I had more than ten dollars, and less problems
    but if I bitch and whine any longer, I doubt I'll ever solve 'em

    It'd be my pleasure to be in the presence of measures that equal sentences
    ev'ry single time a rhyme has entered between it's predicate
    and subject, but then, again and again
    I get the impression that just lettin' the edges slip is better
    as long as you bring it back, clever, string the tracks 'til tethered
    so whether you sing or rap, you gotta keep yer act together
    Stray away from the beaten path and greet the bad weather
    Face it, be the man you may've never had as a mentor
    Do what you were sent here for, whatchu need incentives for?
    I write text like my pencil's forged from metal edged with precious ore
    when it ain't even real lead in the center of it's core
    I bet you're shakin' yer head like yer next to a tennis court
    'cause either you don't get it or it's too much metaphor
    for your head to absorb when swarmed with speech forms
    no one'll teach our teens to believe in
    you've already been forewarned, as for me, I'd be leavin'

    'Cause if the time will ever come, then, it's prob'ly now
    I wouldn't switch this life with anyone's, even when I'm down and out
    I just wish that I had more than ten dollars, and less problems
    but if I bitch and whine any longer, I doubt I'll ever solve 'em
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  5. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    animal crackers, juice boxes and sippy cups
    cannibal snackers loose intoxicated off stinky stuff
    with a lifted gifted mind state i wait to grow old thankfully
    yellin bingo crankily yankin the plug out my bag of stank i keep
    hangin on the wheeled cart, when i used to squeel fart
    now i just just puff dust when i bust ass.. you must laugh
    but you just had two comparisons of emarassing similarities
    donating millions to charity cuz my children embarassing
    id be cherishing their free will, but they weak willed
    seeking cheep thrills from these bills i built from lincoln logs
    wreaking of spine chills, mind spills when im killed
    head meets guard rail's the modern boy meets world
    toys streets curl toes or tag em, i have fun when i grab guns
    you have one? you glad son? i had fun walkin uphill to school
    six miles, both ways till I was twelve and said fuck the rules
    tucked mah tool in the backpack and ate flamin cheetos
    framin free loaders with tree holder status, an apparatus of use
    two grams for fourty vorhees in the lake, creepin with swamp man
    with nuts to much, trust a sack got balls like ac/dc
    converting signals of meat into pudding, that's crazy greasy
    patrick swazy breezy without a trace im leaving in a laser beam
    i blazed the seam of time and space together, the faded team
    dub sac phasin teens takin lunch money without one punch
    eatin captain crunch till my mouth tore up from munchin it
    a bunch of tits grew, them shits knew they was legal now
    i couldnt even know how it'd go down i aint even proud
    but im screamin loud with young man angst and bangin housewives
    slangin mouse traps with loud claps when the clouds bout ta fly
    doubt the guy on top his game'd get turned dumb doodoo
    with my thumb up, who knew id hitchike when this light blinked
    for the last time hoping it might link to the flat line
    not that time
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  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,096
    breath- I aint trying to be harsh or holier than thou...just some thoughts out of love.

    you have a lot of great lines like:

    and so on and so on. . . Great job doing that week in and out.

    Your whole piece read as somebody giving statements after statement. tbh, this was VERY hard to get through and it really serves no purpose because there is nothing to relate to...how could that be ?

    I just realized what you should try to do with your style. I like the thought process and your views on the bigger questions (which are hard to express, you do well)...but you should inject real situations and examples that reference your statements made. Without even doing this, your verses are long winded, over kill and just come across like you need therapy. You have to create something that the reader will enjoy, this is for us. This verse you should take to the Dr. Phill show and have him witch doctor you.

    By injecting reference points you will give the reader something to latch onto and something to process in the brain. This would then be great. Let me give an example of how I'd use your strengths of statement making: ( I just grabbed a random line, any of them will work cos they all statements)


    I was shielded from pain, never dealin' with the harm I dealt
    Now it's peelin' off like paint, I gotta feel what my armor felt


    Ok, great statement. But why (how, when, where, what etc)

    How about follow with something to establish a plot point or hook or some reference....

    I'm not sure I like the repeating chorus (if you will) either. For a song yeah sure, that's good, but even still. Without a real time back drop...who cares ? TBH I gave this a speed read because it was so mundane and dull, I was just flowing to the rhymes and did not give to sh1ts about any content...cos it was all self indulgent. I did read more carefully (however painful) a second time.

    I know this could just be song lyrics and that is fine....just I'd love to see you play to your strong points and develop into what could be, whatever the limits.

    If your work don't make you say "damn that is good" then the reader won't be gellin'. You jelly ?

    I could offer some suggestions to make this dope the way I see things. It would be to cut up to half to 75% of the statments and inject a really over the top, eloquent situation...pm let's do this man.

    Now, I have to be honest. With this much critque I want to tell you want I liike. I like the ease which you flow and take the thoughts out your head and compile them into words so we can get that snap shot. Every one has a different style and this one is not always seen so it's nice to see this. I can imagine you think a lot and it shows in your writing. I wish I had more of this, it strikes seldomly for me. Peep some of my older works to maybe get some examples of how to put situational awarness in your writing (or RM verses). I'm not saying I'm the best but I feel I do it ok...I certainly draw from your style so maybe it's a trade off. Peace...your friend coup.


    Pat-

    Your first line was awesome dude...I really stopped at that point and had happy thoughts. I like that rhymes style...the use random objects for no apparent reason other than to be crazy but at the same time controlled....and the second line that plays on all that was introduced above (cannibal snackers)...and a close off with what all this randomness is doing: intoxicated off stinky stuff (lol dumb but in a good way...I love it)

    your entire verse was much of the same....just light and playful and random. It was interesting and tbh, it kept my attention. I could tell this was just a thought exercise and a mental game of making a fun flow that remained consistent form the beginning until the end. Each line was fun and you never knew how stupid the next would be, or how witty. Not really a story but that's just stating the obvious, I acknolwege this was a rush but this type of work only comes when you are in a certain zone, that's how I understand it. A challenge would to keep this pace and develop it into a unified theme or a sensical written, but yeah I know what's up

    v- pat
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  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    @breath again. (im thought stalking your writing tonight)

    also, being statement heavy really took this verse in 1000 directions at once, when it was trying to go down one path...it was a tug of war...this written really contained too many individual ideas, and as a whole the 10000 ideas all competed for top line or best in class. Not one idea stood because there were so many standing out, of which none threaded together a single string of idea...not a bad thing, but a central idea, theme, or story, or narrative, or w/e cannot be built if you have so many ideas that work against...

    OK IM DONE

    ok, im done be a pretentious critic...
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  8. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
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    ^ you're being HELPFUL =].
    and you're usually a carebear compared to my douchieness..


    ALRIGHTYYY lets get into this.

    Breath:
    first impression- shit is long... [chuckles at immature toilet humor]
    anyways. since you broke this into stanzas, i'll critique them by stanzas.

    stanza 1: not a terrible intro, but nothing stellar..

    stanza 2: your third and fourth line didn't match up in rhymes, but you had an internal rhyme going that meshed it together nicely. if that was intentional, then it was quite smart of you.
    screw it, it's too hot and i'm too tired to break your piece down by stanzas, sorry. haha

    this was better than what I expected overall, but i didn't have the highest standards.
    this piece here suffered from the same problems you consistently had... mainly, you had good moments, but it's always diluted by other lines that are mediocre. also, the repetition of verses (like a chorus) can be a powerful thing, and your use of it wasn't bad, but it could have been better, especially since your intention was to repeat it through the verse. you seem to be set on writing for RSTL like this is an audio format league. if that's your thing, then more power to you, but your verses will still be critiqued for the written format. this means that things you might not care about can hurt you here.
    i think that's great. but it's dangerous if you don't know the distinction between staying true to yourself and being complacent. if several people here are saying the same thing, then you should take a serious look at your writings and consider their advice with an open mind.

    reading coup's advice, i can't say i agree, though i think he offers some very valid points, if that's the style you wanted to achieve.. but the way you're writing now is viable as well, the issue isn't the style you write, necessarily (though like i mentioned before, you may get hurt in some areas you don't care for).. it's just that the quality of it is lacking. focusing on each line more and writing less lines might work well for you, but right now all your writtens read like this.
    Good Line. filler. filler. filler. filler. good line. filler. filler.
    it isn't always about each line though, and more often than not, it's about how the lines work together as a whole to accomplish something bigger, even if the lines are more basic... but this verse didn't fare any better in that respect..

    pat: didn't post the topic. fail! but i figured it out. also you were missing some commas in key places, which made me have to reread, but i'm not docking you for it.. i feel like because you had to post a verse and you were already past deadline, you wrote in this manner so you could throw out any kind of nonsensical crap and make it rhyme and sound all pretty. i'll begrudge you this, it worked pretty damn well. the verse read really easily and the stream of (albeit simple) rhymes helped the cause.

    not sure if pat gets the pass for posting past deadline... but if so

    vote: pat

    if not, then breath takes it i guess, even though Ender's verse was flawless. I kind of want to vote for Ender though, just because his name reminds me of the Enders Game book series...
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  9. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
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    I totally agree with you, but this bing about growing up, in my way, was supposed to read like that, I don't put much meaning to the specific people places things that effected me, its the intangible experience that matter... really though, it was linear, 1st verse was beginning of life, sheltered, 2nd was street living, and 3rd was the current situation, not being understood correctly and whatnot. Yea, dr. Phil woulda lved this, it was a coming of age story, I write for me, if anyone enjoys it aside from that its a bonus, I will not change my ways to play towards others' likes and dislikes, that's fakeness, conformity, and a useful talent that I don't have, but wish I did
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  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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