[Week 19] [Champ] C. ShadowWarriorfs(12-5) vs 2. T.a.C(10-8)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 3, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    The only people who won’t cause me a fuss or hurt me
    Is my family, the only people I can find trustworthy
    They are the only people that I can say I adore
    I would strive to revive if it meant giving my life for
    So when my father called to relay a message
    My niece prays everyday to gain protection
    Her father, my brother in law Chester
    Picks her up from school daily to molest her
    When my sisters at work, no one protects her
    Child services constantly comes to check her
    He’s smart, when they come they’re playing checkers
    They leave saying he’s fine, a dismaying conjecture
    Alone he takes her upstairs, strips her underwear
    Has his way then leaves, she wanders scared
    They say this girls caught in an endless strife
    So they call on me to help, to end his life

    They blow my phone up with begs and pleas
    An endless stream to apprehend this sleaze
    I then agree, excited to slaughter this chump
    Outside school before their daughters picked up
    My sister showed me where, said I’d be invincible
    He parks behind trees and bushes, I’ll be invisible
    A half hour before I park around the corner
    Thoughts of this being right are drowned in horror
    I approach the bushes, checking that no one see’s
    This madness will end soon, all with one squeeze
    Spider webs everywhere as little bugs crawl by
    A chill in the air as the sun sits in the fall sky
    I hear every second pass, have I lost it?
    Sitting in silence, only hearing my watch tick
    Every second is a minute, every minute is an hour
    I see his black suburban pull up, I feel empowered
    Tuck the gun in my sweater pocket, slowly climb out
    Adrenaline in control, I’m operating blind now
    I crawl to the passenger door, open it fast
    Feeling I control his life, hopin it’d last
    I squeeze off 9 shots, his face an abstraction
    Killing this creep has given me a feeling of satisfaction
    I drop the gun and run down the block, no witness
    Proud of myself that I handled my own business
    Get in my truck, I’ve got a missed call from my sister
    Instantly I knew it’d be a problem that I missed her
    Listening to her shakey, fear filled voice
    As she explained to me she’d made an ill choice
    “He hasn’t touched her, trust in me, it’s true
    We’re getting divorced and having a brutal custody dispute
    But we talked, he promised he won’t hurt me now
    Told me he loves us and that he wants to work things out”

    I felt numb, falling to the floor, trapped
    A cop approaches, walks up, gives my door a tap
    I wonder if he could tell I was dead inside?
    In a murmured voice, “Guess its confession time”
    I told the cop everything, every detail
    Knowing my soon to be home would be jail
    I turn my key, burning out looking like a smoke screen
    Down the street, 0-60, straight into an oak tree

    Head on collision
    Dead on contact
    My ending vision
    Wish I coulda gone back
    I wish to say my attack had purpose, not a random barrage
    But my righteous reason to kill ended up a mirage

    Mirage
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  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689


    [​IMG]

    I’m still in love but perhaps our candle is dwindling
    Feeling like his romantic words were used for swindling
    Married a decade to a man who lacks psychological maturity
    Tears cascade, as I stand exhausted with blemishes of impurity
    Fed up with the thought that this reality has been replaced with my fears
    Love tainting my sight causing me to suppress all of those years
    Still I progress forward hoping time would ignite the spark
    But nothing changes as his words feel like daggers in my heart
    Too blind to see this path and too mute to open my mouth
    The signs were always there but instead I turned my head south
    Jason would always argue as I'm still crying, still confused
    Feeling emotionally neglected while being left physically unused
    But still I choose to endure, he can change that much I am sure
    I ask him to do laundry but instead he leaves dirty clothes on the floor
    I beg him to cook for me yet he refuses to go to the store
    “I’ll leave!” but he knew I wouldn’t actually walk out the door
    It is as if I am a peasant trapped under his imperial society
    Does he even love me? “I do baby.” why spit those lies at me
    I may be naïve but intuition makes up for my lack of wisdom
    I give him everything financially we match in income
    It’s time I made him realize that I am more than the weaker half
    I have devised a plan that is cunning but has a sadistic craft

    It was our anniversary as Jason stumbles home drunk
    He had forgotten as the alcohol mixed with cologne stunk
    I had cooked a beautiful dinner in which I eventually ate
    I knew he would come home late once the clock passed eight
    I was enraged and sat in the bath tub as I sobbed and choked
    He walked in as I screamed violently and moved a gun to my throat
    He laughed saying I was “too much of a bitch to pull the trigger”
    I stopped, he mumbled “I knew it” I always do just as he’d figure
    He laughs and turns to leave but a bullet shatters his kneecap
    He screams, I jump up and pressed the hot barrel to his open kneecap
    Then I slowly poured my liquid body wash over his open wound
    He twitches and crawls toward the stairs, worried he was doomed
    I taunted and teased him and ask him if I’m significant now
    “I'm just a bitch remember?” I said as Jason throws in the towel
    But I kick him in his knee repetitively and all he could do was weep
    Jason begged me to stop, making promises I knew he couldn’t keep
    He kept me a prisoner in this house now he will die enslaved
    I boiled water while telling him that the best part was being saved
    As I took the pot to him, he was motionless but not dead
    I told him the heat would help the bleeding but instead
    I poured the water on the opposite leg, he convulsed and cried
    I laughed realizing how much this must be hurting his pride
    His leg filled with boils as I bashed them in with the heated pot
    He was almost breathless while repeatedly pleading for me to stop
    I told him I was almost done and that this was the final act
    His eyes were practically lifeless as I begun my vicious attack
    I hit him with the glass fixture we received as a wedding gift
    As it shattered I wondered how a good thing could end so swift
    I picked up one of the pieces of glass and held it against his neck
    I told him he would bleed out as I sat with my head down
    In that same position, while he lay there dying on the ground
    I never knew when he actually died, I guess when the noises stop
    In the end I was a bit drastic, remorseful as I just waited for a cop
    When it came to the torture, I suppose I would switch it
    But even in death I yearn for him and that’s the bitch of it




    Topic: Life is a bitch
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  4. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    god damn good jobs to both writers this week

    i can't determine which one will get the vote

    TAC- tac demonstrates exactly why people should just stay out of other peoples affairs some times, in this narrative about a family that is going through turmoil and when an uncle scheme a plan of vengeance and caries it out he soon realizes he made a error in judgment and jumped the gun. very unique story with minor cliche motions. rhymes where very crisp and the read was also a joy. i felt emotion in the story, tac pulled on my heart string, when he connected the reader with the character's morals about family significance. really hitting home there. nice twist at the end, i was kept in suspense. no evidence of difficult story theme. very basic chronological story telling. good job tac ass nigga!

    Shadow- wow, you really got descriptive as fuck with it on this one, the story line was basically about one to two scenes. the lady thinking about the infliction her husband bestowed upon her, and the scene leading up to the murder scene. lot of material covered here also, bc it covers years of her life and it describes her life lesson and the event's that lead up to her life lesson.. rhymes weren't as difficult and it's possibly because your focus was on the description and the narrative. nothing forced with this story seemed very fluent. thoughts were very calculated, and the story was sophisticated and developed.

    vote- tac

    fucking close, the reason i voted for tac is because it was the less cliche of the two verses. and it stimulated my own imagination more-so, due to the evidence of information displayed in the verse.

    in other words, instead of extensive descriptive sentences, he sorta leaves the reader a little room to imagine the details for there self.

    good job to both writers i enjoyed both verse equally.
    test
  5. BLACK ATTICUS

    BLACK ATTICUS An Actual Show Rocka!!

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    DAMN YALL MADE IT HARD TO VOTE!!!
    both killed their topics in very unique ways,
    i'm really the flip on the stories, they both have killer twist (no pun intended).
    however, on the TWIST side of things...i'd say T.A.C. got that, not to mention his rhymes are a 'quicker read' (not an EASIER read, just connecting rhyme pattern moves faster).

    I'm feeling like shadow's a more detail story teller though....****us he managed to take a picture i'd NEVER even look at twice, and bring hella relevance to it. this is some pushing the envelope competition; i'll be sure to put my foot off into the next round thanks to reading these two go at it. but in line with the rules; we MUST have a victor sooooo

    my vote goes: shadow

    t.a.c. was super clever, and the flip on your topic word was cool, but you didn't nail a mirage you just NAMED the basis of the narrators motives a mirage....again hella clever; but didn't go at the topic as well shadow's verse
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  6. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    TaC
    The first section got me horny...The end lines "strips her underwear" and "she wanders scared" and "playing checkers" all made me a little hard.

    Haha I like the use of the name Chester....everyone's heard that one... "Chester the Molestor". Some people might say it's corny that you made his name Chester but I think its pretty cool.

    I like these 2 bars:
    "When my sisters at work, no one protects her
    Child services constantly comes to check her
    He’s smart, when they come they’re playing checkers
    They leave saying he’s fine, a dismaying conjecture"

    Good story telling... ya know adding the child services and the checkers. I can just picture it like a movie.


    In the other part when you're setting up the kill you build it up nicely. I love it. You built up great suspense and set the scene like a fuckin movie.

    "I approach the bushes, checking that no one see’s
    This madness will end soon, all with one squeeze
    Spider webs everywhere as little bugs crawl by
    A chill in the air as the sun sits in the fall sky
    I hear every second pass, have I lost it?
    Sitting in silence, only hearing my watch tick"

    ^^^ That's some sick shit homeboy...When I was reading that I was like "C'mon on nigga, focus, and shoot that mother fucker and don't miss!!"

    I like this twist on the topic "mirage". I ofcourse read your topic before I read the verse and was wondering how you was going to tie it all in and you did a good job. But one point I don't understand which I wish you would have clarified was how does she know Chester wasn't touching the girl? Did the sister make it up or did she suspect but now no longer believes it to be true? I really wanna know. And for me wanting to know more about this story that means you did a fantastic job otherwise I would not have given a fuck. So good job TaC....great story...and no wack rhymes...good rhymes




    Shadow
    Yo dog, this first part was fuckin sick...I like the set up...I can relate to this almost perfectly I love it....the mechanics and structure and rhyming are superb. The imagery, tone, and mood and beautifully drawn. You really hit the nail on the head with this one.

    there is one tip and that is I would suggest being consistent with your tense...You start the second part off like this:
    "It was our anniversary as Jason stumbles home drunk" where it should be: "On our anniversary Jason stumbled home drunk" or something to that effect....it throws me off when y'all change tense on me. TaC did it too so those penalties offset each other.

    o dang Shadow...you fucked up the tense bad throughout this....your English teacher would be very mad...keep it past tense...this shit doesn't take away from the well developed story you are writing it just makes it ugly...

    "He twitches and crawls toward the stairs, worried he was doomed
    I taunted and teased him and ask him if I’m significant now"
    ^^See how you completely switch on me?


    You fucking end rhyming for each second line is so fuckin perfect that makes it as though each bar is a punchline to a joke (minus the funny part)....although you have much more here's a good example of one:

    "But I kick him in his knee repetitively and all he could do was weep
    Jason begged me to stop, making promises I knew he couldn’t keep"


    I like your use of irony here:
    "He kept me a prisoner in this house now he will die enslaved"

    Its funny how this bitch is so abusive...but I like how you show the comparison and equivalents of emotional and physical abuse. From reading this I assume your theme is, "emotional pain is equally as bad as physical pain." The girl was dead inside so she made her emotional murderer dead on the outside. The whole verse was strategically written from beginning to end. Good job Shadow.






    Voting Justification
    It is so hard to pick a winner because the storytelling, wordplay, and twists are equally thought out. Shadow had better rhyme mechanics and flow but TaC didn't fuck up so bad by going from past to present and back to past tense. I disagree with LP, TaCs was not the less cliche. If anything TaC's was more of a cliche than Shadow's. Both these writers used a similar formula...they both had an exposition before going into their story. The only real difference is that within their stories TaC developed a little more suspense. Each minute flaw one verse has the other verse has a tiny flaw of its own to offset it. Likewise for each great aspect one verse has the other one has an equally great aspect. I'm sitting here trying to pick these verses apart to find the tiniest of flaws so I can award one over the other. But, I cannot. This, by far, is the best competition I have seen on this website. Great job to both and I'm sorry I have to do this but.....



    TaC called tails and I used this website to flip the coin http://www.random.org/coins/?num=1&cur=60-usd.0100c-anthony

    It was tails.


    VOTE - T.a.C.
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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  8. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  9. Murderous Keys

    Murderous Keys All's well that ends

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    3,450
    Tac – As usual, Solid piece. Obviously it was a verse of your nature (About a women) which is good, but like I always say I’d like to see something WAY different from you. Anyway, Still a good verse. Flow was consistent, Your structure was nice, the short lines helped the story maintain. The story itself was well put together, although at times was predictable and some-what corny, but none-the-less it still stayed it’s path. Vocabulary and word placement was average. Overall a Good read, nothing spectacular.

    Favorite series of lines:
    Her father, my brother in law Chester
    Picks her up from school daily to molest her
    When my sisters at work, no one protects her
    Child services constantly comes to check her
    He’s smart, when they come they’re playing checkers
    They leave saying he’s fine, a dismaying conjecture
    Alone he takes her upstairs, strips her underwear
    Has his way then leaves, she wanders scared
    Tuck the gun in my sweater pocket, slowly climb out
    Adrenaline in control, I’m operating blind now
    I crawl to the passenger door, open it fast
    Feeling I control his life, hopin it’d last
    Again, Good verse, enjoyed.


    Shadow – I Really enjoyed your verse, Your brought to the table more of a complex of a verse with it being well descriptive. The imagery and narrative is what made your verse entertaining. As usual, your vocabulary was nice along with your word placement. Flow was average. The story itself like Tac’s was well put together and thought out.

    Favorite series of lines:
    Jason would always argue as I'm still crying, still confused
    Feeling emotionally neglected while being left physically unused
    But still I choose to endure, he can change that much I am sure
    I ask him to do laundry but instead he leaves dirty clothes on the floor
    I beg him to cook for me yet he refuses to go to the store
    “I’ll leave!” but he knew I wouldn’t actually walk out the door
    I squeeze off 9 shots, his face an abstraction
    Killing this creep has given me a feeling of satisfaction
    As I took the pot to him, he was motionless but not dead
    I told him the heat would help the bleeding but instead
    I poured the water on the opposite leg, he convulsed and cried
    I laughed realizing how much this must be hurting his pride
    His leg filled with boils as I bashed them in with the heated pot
    He was almost breathless while repeatedly pleading for me to stop
    I Don’t

    I Don't want to say this match didn’t make my expectations because it was a very close match, neither writers came with phenomenal verses but did come with well veteran verses.
    This was very close, almost too close to call, But I Did enjoy Shad’s verse more on an intellectual and on a complexity level

    Vote – Shadow.

    Thanks Guys, very close championship match, Either one of you could easily take this.
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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