[Week 18] 5. Coup d'etat(6-1) vs 6. Pestilence(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Dec 27, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    check, good luck
    test
  3. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

    Joined:
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    me too you too.
    test
  4. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]

    Like cocaine grains through the hour glass...
    This is seven years in the days of our lives...
    Its been cut up millions of times...
    White has stained unchanged blades of my knife...
    Make you my wife or a complex trapped memory?
    Of you charging through 14th st. station
    like a bear on methamphetemines...
    Put it simply, sister golden-hair
    blowing in the train breeze
    and me heading back to PA
    in the midst of a total brain freeze..
    ...
    You were like a cold bowl of ice cream..
    A white gleam beamed from your light skin...
    I can only remember you totally nude...
    The way you declothed reminded me of staring at a flash of lightnin.
    But... very slow and in perfect rhythm...
    If this thought played in reverse,
    You'll only turn into an -ism...
    I can hear you bitchin at a non-responsive me...
    And how I lack trivial wisdom...
    And you lacked the depth of women that..
    couldn't handle a challenge
    couldn't grasp any a talent..
    And ran away from the median when
    was faced with a sudden imbalance...
    I thought the 'woe is me card' was pathetic...
    but if woe wasn't you it was me...
    Deep down I guess I'm in debted...
    I'm sure you can guess... fill in a blank amount..
    Of money taken by girls I lived with...
    that looked like you..
    all wiping out my bank account...
    So in debted I can't sleep...
    on a couch at my parent's house thinking
    about how life isn't that deep...
    Every night it hits me right in the guts...
    My friend asked if we had a sex tape,
    I told him yeah...
    He told me that he could bare the sight of my nuts...
    All I could do was laugh tho...
    About how I always right but always wrong...
    You could take that how you want it...
    But fact is still... I was a fucking asshole.
    Remember when you kicked me out of the last place...
    You said that I'd be the one regretting it..
    -n- I laughed in your God damn face...?
    I can see myself in your Victorian mirror
    Repeatedly pressing play again... play again...
    I wish that I could fuck you like... 4 times a day again..
    And wouldn't fuck if I came home smelling like cigarettes
    At the Duane Reed buying condoms,Purell, -n- a pack of winterfresh...
    You just ignored the whole addiction...
    I felt like a champion during the young adult friction
    I was so cocky... I thought that any girl would want me like you did...
    Foolishly, impeccably, undeniably stupid...
    And its been two years... -n- the next ones have been idiots..
    and I've been nice to all of them one of them gave me syphillis...
    (LOL)
    My head is down... I now see you in a white light...
    Lights bright enough I can ignore our nightly knife fights...
    I'd email this to you... I can bare the thought of you grinning...
    Even though we're not dead yet..
    I'll let you know you're currently winning...
    And the throught is currently nagging...
    You're the one that got away
    that my conscience is currently dragging.
    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]


    There was an odd sensation radiating and it wasn't the warm fire
    it wasn't the grass nor the unpaid villagers used to grow and farm her
    though, there was something very off tonight, something different going on
    The Peoples Dragon slept strong and snored, buzzing, sawing dream logs
    Music plucked up quirky moods and shadows swallowed up the village
    The moon was full and loomed above, up earlier tonight in the outer edges
    Still, nothing moved against any to inhibit the workings of daily happenings
    Men packed tobacco in pipes and held council mostly about happy things
    children sat on dirty shins with dirty faces, wide eyed expecting stories
    of The Dragon Guardian; a beast of Thirty Ages who spit wet fire horridly
    Women moved about with quick nimbleness, tending stock and frying pans
    unsuspecting of one Lady in Red dress, near the Dragon with prying hands...

    Her face was a triangle of hate, and two eyes graphed above a clef tooth
    her hair trained back after each hot breath, studying the Dragons next move
    wearing the dress of the Crimson Blood and a ring of The Dreaming Inception
    her ability was for hire; to work in nightmares hanging in endless suspension
    linking sleep worlds to the waking, connecting a bridge more sinister than hell:
    Evil, The Great Lord of the Dark, Satan screaming or whatever filled her she hailed
    against the Village she hustled the Dragons rest- now woven with infiltrated vines
    and they grew to wrap around his thoughts, watered by hate, saturated by swine

    **

    A crack of lighting flashed and the Lady smiled
    her Dragon pet awoken to her hands waving wild
    his eyes flickered like a casino slot, rolling, shifting
    pupils larger than baskets, peering, slowly lifting
    the ground rumbled as one giant screaming eagle
    the sky filled with the dark silhouette wings, too lethal
    towering above the village the Dragon rose demanding
    glowing eyes from a birds advantage, his heart stolen but fanning
    the pursuits of the people were now standing at attention
    looking up they saw the wings cradling them, no question

    The children looked up from childhood stories interrupted
    and the men froze to the sight of the oven enclosing so morbid
    the Women ran screaming grabbing kin, running from destruction
    The Lady motioned silver hands as the puppet master, jerking stings
    the Dragon dance certainly, talons and tail reacting to her purposely
    fire rained down splashing the pits of hell, over flowing as a iron ore
    burned fleshed smothered the air and stacked bodies scorned for,
    as long as the spell was woven, as long as hell swelled up shore

    The Dragon hissed down a wet blanket of fallen fire
    tightly sealed by wings wrapped around, lost in lava pliers
    he was no longer the Guardian protector, or a pet of the people
    over taken, computed to be evil, he looked blank seeping full
    of dark thoughts and Juggernaut rationale no longer sane
    scooping down as a crane crunching bones and window panes

    He stomped out dead dreams and last breaths
    the people he knew and the Villages best
    no remorse or second chances, one pillage down
    and ten more to go, no living heart would ever know
    the life of any sanctuary or corn planted in rows

    He fluttered his wings in a ripple of tiding shake
    the lady in Red dress hoped on and the reins she raked
    they were off to the next town, the next target
    the Great Lord of the Dark was off, but now lethargic
    and he was more organized, neat in his mind
    and the world shifted back wards again in saddened time
    test
  6. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Pestilence

    u started this bitch our wonderfully my favorite part is the very first line as you showed exactly what that picture said to you. I love ur interpretation of the picture. "Like cocain grains through an hour glass". I love the constant metaphor in this introductory stanza. "cut up millions of times", "blades of my knife", "methamphetemines", "brain freeze". Good shit homie.

    However, the long stretch of a story u had kind of lost its poetic vibe. The long part was basically about u reminiscing after u left the girl at the train station. How u miss here, why u miss her, other bitches ain't as good as her and so on... U started this part out well also:

    "You were like a cold bowl of ice cream..
    A white gleam beamed from your light skin...
    I can only remember you totally nude...
    The way you declothed reminded me of staring at a flash of lightnin."

    After this ur story kind of dragged for me...I had to wake back up around when u were talking about being in debted and start over. It was a good story but had random thoughts thrown in it (i.e. Sex Tape). Also u talked about the other girls in the beginning then left them, then talked about them again at the end. It was kind of redundant.

    I do like this part though:

    "I can see myself in your Victorian mirror
    Repeatedly pressing play again... play again...
    I wish that I could fuck you like... 4 times a day again..
    And wouldn't fuck if I came home smelling like cigarettes
    At the Duane Reed buying condoms,Purell, -n- a pack of winterfresh..."



    Coup -

    Very good poetic descriptions as always. U had a good little twist to the story by saying the red dress woman was some kind of evil bitch who made thge dragon kill the people. To me it seems as though u struggled with developing the story. I can see it in ur writing that u tried to write a more "story" type verse (as did I in mine) because of ur recent critiques. But I think u tried too hard. It was a very short story. Not in length of words but in the actual story. U only described a very small scene:

    The dragon was sleeping,
    The evil woman woke him,
    She made him destroy the village
    They left to destroy more villages.

    ^^^ that was ur story

    Give me some meaning in ur story coup. I don't see any meaning in this story. There's all kinds of beautiful descriptions but no emotion. There is no heart, there is no meaning. Its just a flat out story to try and win a stupid online competition. Put ur heart in it coup. I know u can.

    By the way I dont get why she has to get the village's trust....I mean its a dragon...can't she just fly by and kill em?



    Favorite line:
    "Her face was a triangle of hate, and two eyes graphed above a clef tooth
    her hair trained back after each hot breath, studying the Dragons next move"

    ^^ good wording.






    Vote - Pestilence

    More emotion in his story. Not as fancy of words or description but a much better, heart felt story that had meaning. His metaphors had meaning. Coup's metaphors were shallow and stopped at the picture itself.
    test
  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    Thank Coup and Pest for a entertaining face-off! both writers delivered masterpieces imo.

    voting was a tad bit difficult..

    pest: Pestilence Immediately connected with the reader, using metaphor's and describing
    this picture in a unique and effective tone! the "coke" references really set the mood of the story and There was evidence of a build up. The rhyme scheme felt a bit forced, but i have no complaint's I felt as this writer really hit the mark. with writing a story that is "crowd appropriate". Although this story had poetic vibes and lyrical delivery. the story seemed a little bit underdeveloped. or maybe it was the transition from the direction from the first stanza to the end with the picture. the mood from the beginning changes at the end. you had some vicious lines tho!

    ei:

    Repeatedly pressing play again... play again...
    I wish that I could fuck you like... 4 times a day again..

    My head is down... I now see you in a white light...
    Lights bright enough I can ignore our nightly knife fights...

    And you lacked the depth of women that..
    couldn't handle a challenge
    couldn't grasp any a talent..

    i like the formation of the rhyme it is delivered. i wish the verse could have been interwoven like this more predominately. The story suffered from the humor that was thrown into it, i sensed the sarcasm, but i takes away from the pain, this story is trying to emulate. "minor gripe"

    Coup- tbh.. when i was first reading for some reason i thought the first verse was you and i thought "wow coup reallly stepping out his comfort zone" i soon realize i was mistaken. LoL. with that said, i approached your verse with underestimation, because the power from the first challengers verse was beautifully established in the beginning of his story, although the momentum was altered the entertainment value was so appropriate and clever.

    Coup Grasp's the reader by the hand and demand's there attention, he dissects the picture with ease and poetic justice! I was intrigued with the detailed description, (something i have been trying to work on) you really brought the story to life, although the story was in sense short, and not a lot going on, it made everything so brief turn into something so epic it screamed, "classic" when i seen how you were describing the event's and how you delivered your lines it was so calculated and confident. you never stumbled. you opened up doors in my imagination, that went beyond some clever metaphors and and difficult word play. your story said "i am a story, here me roar"
    and that was magnificent. when it comes down to some of the things the other writer said he had some heavy material and very entertaining cliche subject matter, yours was just narrated better with more perfection.

    evidence of story matter and narration difficulty level:


    wearing the dress of the Crimson Blood and a ring of The Dreaming Inception
    her ability was for hire; to work in nightmares hanging in endless suspension
    linking sleep worlds to the waking, connecting a bridge more sinister than hell:
    Evil, The Great Lord of the Dark, Satan screaming or whatever filled her she hailed
    against the Village she hustled the Dragons rest- now woven with infiltrated vines
    and they grew to wrap around his thoughts, watered by hate, saturated by swine


    A crack of lighting flashed and the Lady smiled
    her Dragon pet awoken to her hands waving wild
    his eyes flickered like a casino slot, rolling, shifting
    pupils larger than baskets, peering, slowly lifting
    the ground rumbled as one giant screaming eagle
    the sky filled with the dark silhouette wings, too lethal
    towering above the village the Dragon rose demanding
    glowing eyes from a birds advantage, his heart stolen but fanning
    the pursuits of the people were now standing at attention

    vote-coup

    great job guys!
    test
  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Pestilence - I loved this story and i felt like it progressed nicely. I did however had some issues with the wording at times felt a little weird for me. for example, "About how I always right but always wrong..." this line threw me off because i figured you wanted to say I'm but just didn't proof read enough to correct this or i'm missing what you really meant here. also, "But fact is still... I was a fucking asshole." I think it would sound better if you said either But fact is...I was a fucking asshole or Fact is... or even But still... Also i didn't like how you worded this "Repeatedly pressing play again... play again..." you already said repeatedly pressing play so there was no need to actually say it again. Now, i think that when your lines were correctly delivered they were interesting and creative. I thought the imagery was good as well and painted a nice picture for me. Still an enjoyable story for me but i would like to see you work on things i mentioned. Good work dude

    Fave line -
    "I thought the 'woe is me card' was pathetic...
    but if woe wasn't you it was me...
    Deep down I guess I'm in debted...
    I'm sure you can guess... fill in a blank amount..


    Coup - I loved the story here and i loved the mechanics involved here. The rhyming was solid and catchy and the flow was on point. There was a time were you life things out. Well actually in one line in particular. "the lady in Red dress hoped on" i figured you meant hopped on. Other than that, this was a really solid verse from you. The imagery was impressive and the progression of your story was solid and an improvement from last week. What i really like was your vocab. Now i'm not really a vocab buff or thing vocab really matters much in storytelling but you did well with it and it really stuck out here and it didn't make you story unreadable or even a chore to read. Good work here Coup.

    Fave Line -
    "Women moved about with quick nimbleness, tending stock and frying pans
    unsuspecting of one Lady in Red dress, near the Dragon with prying hands...

    Her face was a triangle of hate, and two eyes graphed above a clef tooth
    her hair trained back after each hot breath, studying the Dragons next move"


    Overall a good match up but i have to give this to the guy who was more consistent with his story and didn't make the mistake that took away from his story. So my vote goes to Coup for being more consistent with his mechanics and having a more enjoyable story. Good work all


    V/ Coup
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    pestilence - i gotta agree with omega. you came with a really nice opening, but once you hit the second stanza it became a drag. i liked that you were able to keep up a nice smooth short flow through out this verse. the rhyme scheme you used were also nice. you have an older join date so im assuming you've been at this and just have a bit of rust, but i wasnt really feeling this verse much. the (LOL) after the syphillis line annoyed me, and like previously said there were some grammatical errors in this. just small shit to work on. stick with it.

    coup - i enjoyed this verse quite a bit. the story held my interest throughout which surprised me. after seeing the picture you used i figured this was going to be something i absolutely hated and struggled to make it through. you did a good job with the story though. the flow was smooth, and of course there was your poetic style. great imagery.

    A crack of lighting flashed and the Lady smiled
    her Dragon pet awoken to her hands waving wild
    his eyes flickered like a casino slot, rolling, shifting
    pupils larger than baskets, peering, slowly lifting
    the ground rumbled as one giant screaming eagle
    the sky filled with the dark silhouette wings, too lethal
    towering above the village the Dragon rose demanding
    glowing eyes from a birds advantage, his heart stolen but fanning
    the pursuits of the people were now standing at attention
    looking up they saw the wings cradling them, no question

    really enjoyed this stanza here. i read it and was like damn, this shits dope right here. nice verse

    vote- couper
    test
  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    coup up 2 - 0
    test
  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    coup wins 2-0
    test
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