[Week 16][Contender] 4. Patrown(2-2) vs 5. Breathless(7-8) vs 6. Kuja(0-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, May 1, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

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    AIM NAMES
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  2. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    czechoslovakia
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  3. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Messages:
    404
    ChI ' EcK .
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  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    balance...
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  5. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    A breath of dead air

    [​IMG]


    here's a link to the audio, second try at spitting it, thought about editing it, but don't have the motivation...so here it is, and there's yer explanation of the circumstances...
    Sounds from Saturday night by dan-courser on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

    I'll smoke 'til me and my spirit call the same world home
    and my voice is more raspy than James Earl Jones'
    The choice is mine man, keep them comments to yourself
    I know it's bad for my health, prob'ly a problem to your's as well
    But I just don't give a shit, I've been pushed over the limits
    in a fit of rage by opinions and scientific data
    my intrinsic state of mind is "why complain if I ain't changin it"
    I'll sit and whine and wait instead of tryin' to quit this strange addiction
    It's the same old shit, just a different bag to throw away
    so I'll place it in the waste basket, it's better able to hold the weight
    My brittle, fragile shoulder blades aren't fit to handle so much strain
    A little damage only makes the lift a bigger challenge no one takes
    I'm close to breakin', with a stick and tattered linen fabric splint and bandage
    holdin' a back brace in place, still, both my leg bones are achin'
    The pain is killin' me slowly but surely, ain't it really a bitch to go early?
    My trigger finger is itchy, I'm twitchy, and jerky
    my throat's scratchy, I'm ornery, my hands tremble, my knees are weak
    It's the seven demented dwarfs without the evil witch's bad apple to eat
    Now...I'm just rambling, randomly ambling along
    I think I'll go ahead and take a chance, gamble, sing a song
    instead of always rappin' on a sampled beat, it's long
    overdue, like my soberness too, man, god damn it
    What the hell do I gotta do to prove myself, lose the help? I could use it...well
    not really, 'cause within me's where my muses dwell
    If ya choose the hand you're dealt, you'll lose it man, I'm tellin' ya
    Use yer damned intelligence, don't cheat the game of life
    You can't beat the dealer unless you ante up ideas
    and leave a creative bribe, defeat the player beside you
    and proceed to the final fight, where the vital signs are in your favor
    and the machine beeps with a line on the screen, stifle the screams, but say yer peace
    and speak easy with a sigh of relief, this is how I achieved a higher
    realization of what the finer things in life could be
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  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    Falling

    Only reason i stayed was my children,
    lonely sealed here..I was fooled then.
    Control issues confused with rules of men
    Delusions diffusing thought like raindrops on the window.
    Pain stops when the plot thickens, when I go

    With the clothes on my back, free from enclosure,
    your soul decaying turning black from exposure.
    Displaying weakness when facts rise to the surface,
    extracting a purpose from hurtful services,
    unending nervousness turned to will to continue.

    Thrilled by your insults now I've found comfort,
    staring into a brown irises of someone younger.
    Running from your tireless fists of manipulation,
    leaving bruises much deeper than situations.
    I choose to go on and dwell on worth.
    Soon return to my Hell on Earth.
    test
  7. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    404
    Damn it, sorry about the n/s been very busy and lost track of time, didnt help that havent been at home either, anyway please keep me in.
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  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breath - I thought the story was ok but it was developed better than i expected. The rhymes were good but the flow was a little bit weird to me in lines like this "I'll sit and whine and wait" there should be a sit, whine and wait. the two ands just made it read awkwardly. Still, the story moved nicely and kept me entertained for the most part.


    Pat - The imagery was really good and i found that the flow was on point. The verse did move nicely and i enjoyed this nice poetic read. Although...lines like "leaving bruises much deeper than situations" didn't help your verse because it just didn't carry a solid image or metaphor behind it. What situations are you referring to? Not all situations are 'deep' so i would've used something to carry your point across better. Still a solid showing.


    V/ Pat for having a slightly more entertaining story. Good work guys
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  9. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    v- pat

    Pat had more clarity and it read better too. Breath's was confusing and I felt disengaged from the piece as a whole. And that is all I really go to say about that. nice job pat you came this week like you were not rushed, I guess the short piece helped. Breath you really go to test new waters in your writing...
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  10. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
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    Breath- I don't know about the other people here, but i refuse to listen to audio/instrumentals in RSTL because this is a written league. Whatever you're trying to get accomplished by posting audio needs to be accomplished by your writing alone..

    I know it's bad for my health, prob'ly a problem to your's as well
    I was feeling that line.
    You actually had some really good lines in here that i liked.. but what's killing you is how diluted your pieces are... If you removed all the lines that read like filler, such as
    "overdue, like my soberness too, man, god damn it"
    it would be alot better. "Man, god damn it".. it's a poor use of that space, imo. you coulda said something more impactful.
    This piece is a definite improvement from your past verses, so props for that.. but there's still alot of work to be done to be competitive in the RSTL.. the majority of it is, you're writing like this is an audio format league... It isn't, and adjustments need to be made.. Things that sound good in audio don't always translate well here.

    patrown- This was a bit disappointing for me, but i think i just had high expectations for you coming into this. It was a nice read, but I felt like there was a lot lacking and unexplored.. it's something you need to look out for in shorter verses.. also, i think the stanzas in your piece could have been broken up better. Not sure if you broke it up this way because you wanted each part to be 5 lines long or if you broke it up more purposefully, but particularly the first two stanzas.. might have been better to make the separation elsewhere...

    Breath had some cleverness in his piece this week and on the first reads, I probably would have given it to him. But when I look more closely at the two verses, I can't ignore and sporadic and unorganized his piece is.. Pat didn't have any great moments this week, but it was better as a whole.

    vote: Pat
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Pat wins 2 to -1
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  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Patrown wins
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