[Week 16] [Contender] 3. the omega man(2-0) vs 4. Cereal Killer(2-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Dec 13, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    VOTING


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    ----------------------------------------------------------------

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    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    in

    Shit, I gotta go against a real writer this time.
    test
  4. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    extension...thought i'd finish my essay on Othello but I did not...gotta finish it tonight before midnight. No time for poetry

    I will finish my shit tomorrow fa sho.
    test
  5. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    4,146
    Perfect Strangers

    ..
    Aura through torture and torment can force the first birth of trust
    Morphing like morphine coursing through the veins of this Earth’s soft crust
    To rot, rust, forgotten and crushed just pure love could make this sad girl blush
    Insane and deranged it’s important for change when this mad world’s hushed
    To restrain with caution the true nature of abortion in life
    Suicide resides in my iris and tonight I might slide
    ..
    I work on the mines, so pure inside, lured by the price to drive
    And light Dynamite through tours of grandeur for my slice of pie
    I try to fight and conquer with honor in a man’s domain
    As I do lie and ponder that under this great land is change
    An emu in a muster of peacocks, I expand in vain
    Whilst people mock and mutter with a lot of demand for pain
    I hurt with dirt on my hands and grains of distain on my tongue
    But I face the strain; I’m lump with a taste for blood in my gums
    The young trainee sticks by my side as we all bore through the night
    Poor Brian is so frighten, a greenhorn that seesaws with pride
    For lions like us find that with timing friendships can kindle
    Like kinship holding a canvas of credence on its easel
    People talk evil but Brian and I know that we’re equal
    Still that little pill Xanax collapses all that is fecal
    So lethal yet when I gave some to Brian I should have known
    Explosions and potent drugs don’t mix as our exit gets blown
    No medics for hope, with nine other man and two corpses stoned
    To death with boulders as now their kids will grow older alone
    As cold as the snow is the look of disgust they hold to grope
    Around our necks as they look to the dead like they’re a pot roast
    So choked up, we can’t shield this beast unleashed as we all must eat
    Feast on flesh as they peel of meat from the fresh carcass deceased
    A week goes by and the raw meat is running low on demand
    We’re weak unable to speak as the men huddle in a band
    They all nod, odd as they expand and surround Brian and I
    The look in their eyes as they grab my arms and hold down my thighs
    Brian stands up, swings a punch and uppercuts one in the jaw
    The minor behind picks up a rock and drops him to the floor
    Sure that his dead Brian looks up as he whispers “I’m SORRY”
    They stomp the poor boy still his skull compresses like an orange
    So horrid, the men turn to me and tear off my underwear
    No escape, my fate is death or rape which can my stomach bear
    I vomit and convulse with screams as light-beams break through the darkness
    No longer a target as I’m pulled away from these BARSTADS
    I look up at the sky to find my knight, my worthy savior
    A man that I will never meet again, my perfect stranger
    ..
    test
  6. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    Ok, I give up. Here goes. I'll try better next week.



    [​IMG]

    They wanted to paint his face but only created chafe
    cat tongue brush strokes, the paint would grate
    away and abate to ornate his Rano Raraku face
    thus, he felt a spate of hate for the Canadian Maxwell Bates

    the cold of his heart bled wet sleet
    that many thought would soak his death bed sheets
    'cause he'd repel their efforts for he had only known one technique
    to regurgitate their force fed bastion of red meat

    ya see, this young Sparticus, was placed in a boarding house
    'til he got kicked out for sparkin' up a .40 cal
    on all the Mona Lisa smiles that were pouring out
    of his roomates' faux gold essence of which they were so sorely proud

    this astute acid test to find their true colors
    returned the only glimmer of truth he found amongst his adopted brothers
    distraught, disappointed, despondent wonder
    from the rest of the world he was finally torn and chopped asunder


    And then, he escaped.


    He didn't wait, no time to watch the candles fade
    couldn't breathe so he thieved a Harley but couldn't get use to how the handle's made
    he swerved and hit a curb...before he passed out he screamed out, "Goddamn today!"
    then the white folks showed, they were cloaked behind a dead thicket ready to ambuscade

    "Are you ok, dude?" one of them asked.
    "Look at his face! Is he wearing a mask?"
    "He's probably a drunken junkie, look he's fuckin' trashed."
    "Look, no helmet, no I.D., no wallet, no cash"
    and just then the dead man jumped off his ass and swept pass
    delivered a left hook he learned from his step dad
    that one time he dropped the starter fluid in the meth lab
    but the white man side stepped fast
    escaped the onslaught of right/left jabs

    the boxer was out'a shape and his chest took on an outward shape
    as he wheezed and his heart began to palpitate
    then he remembered his rusty dull rounded blade
    he flicked it out and heaved it in their abdomens with astounded rage


    And then, he escaped.


    he searched for seclusion in the dead beige forests
    he tripped on a misplaced log, his attitude so morbid
    he walked the yellow grassy patchwork of the Great Plains
    until finally he settled at the highest peak in the snowcapped mountain range

    he lied in wait to attack again, when they’d least expect it
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    CK - this was silky smooth until "Poor Brian is so frigthen"...add the ed my nigga. Would have the same flow and it would make sense grammatically/semantically. "Nine other man" should be men. It's the little things like that that I have to nit pick at because this verse was absolutely savage beyond that, but just polish it up kneegrow. The language was on point, the flow was fire, and I loved the imagery of the verse and the way you incorporated the topic seemed fitting for the way the verse went.

    Omega - I think you struggle making the transition from poetry to storytelling/topical writing as is evident by your couplets of writing. Vocab is definitely the best aspect of your writing. The flow was off as you had portions of your verse that were just stretched and it seems like you took multiple attempts at finishing this as several pieces felt disjointed. From your own words you had a lot on your mind and your writing suffered as a result of it.

    vote = CK for a much more polished and better put together verse.
    test
  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    c. kill -- words placed and rhymes were to a degree of beauty. Small font made for tight reading, but even more it streamed in some dark imagery.

    Aura through torture and torment can force the first birth of trust
    Morphing like morphine coursing through the veins of this Earth’s soft crust


    ^shit like this is hot, and it was pasted all over this verse.

    it was a intricate verse, slightly hard to piece out a entire message or story line. lots of action and word play that I liked enough to enjoy this through out.


    omega--

    the cold of his heart bled wet sleet
    that many thought would soak his death bed sheets
    'cause he'd repel their efforts for he had only known one technique
    to regurgitate their force fed bastion of red meat


    ^flow and imagery were good here. Overall I felt the verse made a lot of leaps and some shaky transitions from different times and space. I enjoyed the dialog in some areas and in other passages I was left deciding how they make sense to the overall structure of the verse at large. With the Grinch picture being as it was I think you did a slightly average job of capturing the essence of topic.

    I'm going to vote for completeness of both mechanics and theme topic:

    v. c. kill
    test
  9. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    Oman-creative, unique concept, grasped within this narrative, Oman, gives us insight on a classic iconic christmas time character. very crafty vocabulary, and rhyme was fluid and momentum was there within the verse sick twist at the end btw. i felt this story came full scale. a lot of loose area's tightened together at the last minute.. wow!

    Cereal-magnificent sentence structure vivid imagery and superior narrative progression. a lot of poetic thoughts and creative rhyme usage. a few grammatical errors, focus on your grammar i constantly see you miss spelling a word like you sound your words out when you type them. and here:
    Poor Brian is so frighten, a greenhorn that seesaws with pride
    Frightened**
    but that's just being over critical bc all in all you seem like a intellectual and literate guy.
    also note, that i really enjoyed the twist at the end.. or shall i say the concept.

    PERFERCT STRANGER.aha..

    Props to both writers, hard one to vote on here tbh.

    Vote-CK

    it was a toss up .
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  10. HeartCloaker

    HeartCloaker Winter is coming

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Messages:
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    CK
    I don't think saying "stoned to death" was a good choice, as "stoned to death" already connects in people's minds to a specific way of dying with different circumstances, where you're being deliberately hit by other people. Be careful not to mismatch connotation we're likely to have with what you're trying to get across. There were also some mistakes like saying 'frighten' instead of 'frightened'.

    Omega mega
    I thought your verse was going to be a level above his in rhyming when I read the beginning, but you didn't give the onslaught of rhymes I thought you would. You had some similar mistakes to his, like 'handle's made' instead of 'handles were made'. Then in the middle of your climax when he's punching you take us away from the climax to talk about a time when he spilled starter fluid. Why? The climax is what people like most. I don't know if someone can be in astounded rage. I think they move quickly from astonishment into rage sometimes, but both at once?

    Vote: CK
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,692
    CK - Very impressive verse here. I really loved the imagery here. It was so vivid and painted a great picture in my mind. Kind of beautiful when you think about it, what you did not the story. The story was good..gruesome but good. I enjoy your verses and i am becoming a big fan of your work. Keep this up man. superb job here.


    Fave line -
    "So choked up, we can’t shield this beast unleashed as we all must eat
    Feast on flesh as they peel of meat from the fresh carcass deceased
    A week goes by and the raw meat is running low on demand
    We’re weak unable to speak as the men huddle in a band"


    Omega - I liked the concept of this but i felt like you could have spent a little more time on the deliver of this. I feel that any topic can be awesome if the delivery is on point. Now, you had some good flashes with the imagery and the vocab but i felt that you inconsistent line lengths messed with the flow too much and when you look at the lines that were a bit lengthy, words were added that didn't need to be there. Still, i enjoyed the story itself and thought you did well with the topic. good works O.


    Fave Line -
    "he searched for seclusion in the dead beige forests
    he tripped on a misplaced log, his attitude so morbid
    he walked the yellow grassy patchwork of the Great Plains
    until finally he settled at the highest peak in the snowcapped mountain range"

    Overall I felt that CK just overwhelmed O this week with his delivery. CK just outshined Omega here which is a knock on CK, it just that CK is a difficult person to to beat. Good work guys


    V/ CK
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    CK up 5 to -3
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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    CK wins 5 to -3
    test
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