[Week 15][Contender] 4. TheInkwell(4-2) vs 5. Breathless(7-7) vs 6. Kuja(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 24, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Here .
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  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Go eat a potato
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  4. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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  5. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    What Goes Around .


    A pool of vommit with a peasant sitting within,
    Welcome to the city of sin
    Neon lights & golden walkways, im in heaven, let the betting begin
    Dollar signs light my eyes,
    Trading paper bills for nickels & dimes
    Placing my bets with coins as I find,
    My heart racing one spin at a time
    I feel alive, its a legal high, red or black I cant decide
    This is the life,
    The land of dreams to provoke the child inside
    Time has no concept, only my chips may impress
    As hitting the jackpot, to me is better than sex
    Only excitment & stress, free drinks to settle my nerves
    As I sit on top, enjoying the women & the perks
    Im on top of the world as all the young women see
    That my chip count screams out, im on a winning streak
    But slowly, the drink starts to steal my inhabitons
    As I up my bets & ignore my intuitions
    Hand after hand, im losing at blackjack
    & slowly but surely the casino starts to take back
    Ive stopped beliving, this fairytale land now has me seething
    As I pull out my wallet & see thats its bleeding
    Suddenly the bright lights seem to fade
    The dealers spout horns & the machines turn to flames
    I turn to leave, clutching my only surviving dime
    But a feeling inside pursuades me to go spin one last time
    Greed has me gripped, I simply cannot walk away
    My mind races to the door, my body insists I stay
    & continue to play, the moment of truth, now I throw my coin in
    I grip the machine with both hands to stop myself falling
    A feel inside erupts, lady luck has appeared
    As I find myself in the middle of a thousand cheers
    Then my world went blank, the next day here I am
    Taking in the view of the entrance, where my fortune began
    But this time im going to take my money & run
    I just wanted to look at the peasant I nearly become
    What goes around comes around in the city of sin
    As I give the peasant a second chance, some money to go in


    '
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  6. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    [​IMG]

    She’s got a hold on me, treats me like a clutch purse
    Smile fake and words ornery, can’t get a grasp of what’s worse
    Friends say I’m getting soft, she kneads me till my walls are chalk
    And scribbles on my flesh the very words that always sets her off
    What is it about me that makes her love me like a voodoo art
    Resemblance of myself, I get stabbed twice when she plays the part
    Standing in this room, we couldn’t be further from each other
    Though our fingers intertwine in a stitch reserved for lovers
    I can’t untangle myself from the yarns that she loves to twirl
    I’m missing two nuts, just extra skin, like a flying squirrel
    Now I’m a Pinocchio, for her to rub these noses with
    And toss into the fire pit when all the fun has diminished
    But not today… today she’s perched atop the window sill
    Like the crow that whispers painful truths when the night is still
    Nevermore… I tell her that’s what our connection is
    And recollect the disconnects that unhinges us to two pieces

    “You can’t leave me.”

    She says it with the calm of a hypnotist
    My eyes are shifting to the sides, I mutter half condolences
    She sighs a condensation that succeeds to chill my reflexes
    And snips away the crimson twine that fate does it’s affixing with
    And in the same breath, she’s lunging at my esophagus
    Eyes piercing like an eagle’s, predator with her talon grip
    I feel the metal spear my cells to send me to the spirit realm
    Teardrops leaking, clear, dispel the image she engineered herself
    I crumple like a tissue as she sobs with such conviction
    That it moves me like a death induced muscular contraction…

    “You can’t leave me…”

    She says it with the panic of an orphaned child
    My eyes are rolling to the sky and sadly it’s too late now
    She flutters by… through a thin film of my consciousness
    Trying to breathe life in my pine, but I’m Pinocchio, not Lazarus
    We don’t get a second try…
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  7. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    I'll be posting tonight after work, possibly on break, my brother's been visiting this last week and had forgot this was due

    *edit, drank too much, fell asleep taking a break from writing last night, had a good 40 lines and was gonna finish it up, but when i woke up, the computer had been restarted...
    so, this is what i can remember of it, still not right, but yea...
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  8. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    [​IMG]

    You will not Tom Sawyer me into believin' this could be called good
    I'm a stopwatch voyeur, seein' these things how we all should
    ... from eatin' poprocks, ...to payin' lawyer fees
    ... from playin' hopscotch, ...to meetin' an employer's needs
    from dropped bombs on oilfields, to the people who deploy the relief
    It's odd, watchin' the spoiled meals rot on their voyage to be
    I've seen beneath the rock bottom, could've avoided the grief
    but I think the leap to this spot stopped me from destroyin' my dreams

    from honor roll student straight into always hallucinating
    I was introduced to freedom way too soon, a confusing situation
    I could sit in school, or skip it, both options to choose from were wasteful
    So, with youthful complacence I said fuck it, and moved through the stages
    ... from a teen havin' a tall order to fill
    ... to a street rat with the false borders I built
    although, when I think back, this fall harbors some guilt
    but it's the reason I don't feel bad as I crawl farther from filth

    still, ...it's been getting harder to recall
    a stalled engine of memories charging toward the hill
    it's not that I don't remember things, they're just gone, overfilled
    brimming with emptiness, this does not fit the bill
    it's that to and from, from and to, impromptu kinda hullabaloo
    wonderin' who I'll become once this done and I discover the truth
    naw, I'm just fuckin' wit' you, this gives me somethin' to do
    such a wonderful arrangement ranging from nothing, to oooo
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    60,689
    So tired...here we go with a quickie

    Kuja - I really liked this story. The rhymes and flow were solid. The imagery was very impressive as well. The story was actually refreshing. I was expecting something a little dry but was pleasantly surprised. Good works...I really liked your opening four lines.


    Ink - I enjoyed the telling of the story here. It moved at a nice pace and it was actually developed nicely. The story itself was good but i was hoping for something a little different and with your creative nature, i believe you could've taken this story to a new height. Nicely done though.


    Breath - I thought that this started off kinda slow but actually finished strong. I loved the imagery here and the way you presented things here. I thought the wording was a bit weird in places. "from honor roll student straight into always hallucinating" just felt awkward to me and perhaps would've sounded better with "from honor roll student trapped in a hallucination" would kept the flow and would've been smoother. Still i enjoyed this piece. Good work


    In the end i thought this boils which of the three had the best of all worlds. Breathless' wording was a bit sloppy in places, likely due to his last minute work. Ink and Kuja both had great stories but i think Ink's story was developed a bit more and was just a little more interesting to me. Kuja's story just didn't connect me to the story like Inks. Nice job guys


    V/ Ink
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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    kuja - very clear story, your written read very smooth with the short lines. I liked the concept of the casino/the sin and the mans own demise as fights within himself as he fights the temptations. The whole process was decent in delivery, a little flat and bare, a couple of reveals or twist would had gave this more density...this felt like it was missing something. Great read though and written with ease.

    Inks- This was a pretty impressive verse this week. the rhymes were solid and pulsed all the way to the end and the concept was just as good. You repped' your pic topic very well too. I like the dialog and the conflict with the two "puppets" ....it almost felt as each person was not really sure who was pulling who even though the man on the ground was the victim of some strong attachments. lol no pun attended. Great verse man. Great topic, and I loved this line:

    Trying to breathe life in my pine, but I’m Pinocchio, not Lazarus

    Breathless - nice pacing with the inner thoughts how just randomness, for lack of a better word. I get how you tied the picture in as it was a metaphor for the narrative...ryhmes were really good and I have to compliment the way this read. Not so much story wise but just a snap shot of some thoughts. Overall I felt this was a little underdeveloped and in the end could have tied batter to the topic, but I'm not really trippin'. Good verse. your last few lines really captured the concept well: who really cares, right ?

    it's that to and from, from and to, impromptu kinda hullabaloo
    wonderin' who I'll become once this done and I discover the truth
    naw, I'm just fuckin' wit' you, this gives me somethin' to do
    such a wonderful arrangement ranging from nothing, to oooo



    V- inks...gotta give it to him man he came hard. great battle everyone!
    test
  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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