[Week 15] [Contender] 4. Got Life?(2-0) vs 5. Cigma(8-6)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Dec 6, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]VERSES
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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    I'll write in Ukrainian, you in Martian.

    Sounds good to you mon ami?
    test
  3. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

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    Nanu nanu
    test
  4. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

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    test
  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Social Experience/Life Without End



    Vince had just come in from a date,
    Slamming the door; numb with hate,
    Some would wait, but dumb was fate,
    Spurring on his rum spun debate,
    As tonight he'd become irate…
    Succumb with lust...he’d no longer wait.

    Ashley was reading a teen magazine,
    Something about salad green cuisine,
    The latest diet fad upon the scene,
    She’d hope it’d help don her as queen,
    As the prom kept her mind in unrest,
    Indeed she was blind in her quest,
    To her...nothing else mattered,
    But that’s when…
    The house echoed as something shattered.

    From the outside looking in...
    It was one of those repetitive Saturday nights,
    Tucked away in the suburbs from all the city's bright lights,
    Her folks had left that morning for Vegas,
    While Vince was on a date at Ortega’s,
    So when Ashley heard a sudden bang,
    She felt her heart race and pang-
    Against her chest, creating unrest,
    She crawled out and assessed-
    The scene that unfolded inside the house,
    As worlds collide…
    She’s torn and pried by her blouse,
    By a masked and vicious stranger,
    He was clearly malicious,
    And she;
    Was in clear and present danger.

    She lay there weak and sobbing,
    While this freak stayed throbbing,
    Quenching his unspeakable desire,
    To weld their bodies in the fire-
    Of his drunken lusting inferno,
    Thrusting, watching it burn slow,
    As he claimed her as his own,
    Deflowered and dethroned…
    Choking down on subtle sobs she never moaned…
    While Vince finished with a cigarette,
    And with the first puff came regret.

    He would return home again hours later,
    Expecting to somehow captivate her,
    Yet she now lay upon the kitchen floor,
    Gone was her charm; her evening décor,
    The sight before him was one he'd never seen before...
    As Ashley lay there bleeding-
    Sobbing and pleading…
    Trying to rid the cut in her arm that read “whore”,
    Her pain became his, Vince couldn’t ignore…
    What he did to a girl he had done naught but adore,
    Ashley was always his unattainable dream...
    The girl that made every other one seem-
    Like they didn’t have worth or purpose,
    She was a goddess gracing the earth's surface,
    And since her birth-
    She became his unforgettable love.

    Yet she was his sister,
    So when he picked her up and kissed her,
    The rest of him died...
    Two worlds collide,
    He lives with what he did as he looks in her eyes,
    And her eyes are now hollow as she wishes she dies.​
    test
  7. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    12,377
    Stupidity

    Morning’s mourning
    Emanates from the pit of my stomach
    Suffering reeks of alcohol and last call.
    Humility and downfall

    Pent up fury turns slurry in a hurry
    Journey through misery meets martinis
    Mixed with alcohol applied liberally
    Infantile emotions provoked evokes
    Sympathy as I willingly produce
    A symphony of incredibly little silly
    One man act shows of plain stupidity
    Lingering long after played in them.

    Handling strong liquor mad makes it trickier
    Drink lavishly and drive badly swifter
    Driver’s license applied sadly drifting
    Gladly enter inebriation’s haven a drifter
    That last shots a hitter and it’s like TIMBER

    Rearranging fixtures inside the establishment
    Window spoken becomes “Winderr…broken?”
    Misbehaving craven creating flagrant fines
    Culpable crashing multiple candy machines
    Bartenders summoning management beings
    Sheepishly abandon the scene of the crime
    Without being dragged get tossed outside
    Thirsty Horse saloon… see you next time cowboy.

    Joyful moments atonement I need more memory flashes
    Remnant presents from her presence reverence
    Insistently calling me daddy…daddy…daddy.
    Heavy with seduction Karel’s voice saunters through
    The corridor from the bedroom as I consume a book.
    Drawn from my pursuits by her passionate mewls
    I’m hooked with a crooked grin eagerly going in.

    Wake up to the second day of break up.
    YUP still sucks as much as the first one.
    Add mistakes up dirt dug for my own grave,
    Neglectful, disrespectful, want things my own way
    …As she lays warmly next to me a universe away,
    An artist way with words but I have nothing to say,
    Since I don’t make her feel very special anymore.

    The few inches on her face where her shiny eyes
    Look out from is simply beautiful, how come…
    Tears had to trickle down them when we last made love?

    What ill luck that ten days before our Anniversary,
    She wants space, but I hate the sound of broken up
    So I pray and hope she has a happy Holiday.



    Holidays
    test
  8. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Got Life -
    "Salad Green Cuisine" good shit, cuz

    I like this metaphor:
    "To weld their bodies in the fire-
    Of his drunken lusting inferno,
    Thrusting, watching it burn slow"

    So basically her brother went out for the night and come home early to rape her? And then he felt bad about it?

    I thought you was gonna go a compeltely different direction when I first started reading this. You took me through a loopty loop. I dunno if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I haven't made up my mind yet.

    A good story overall....u give a nice exposition climax and resolution. You utilized a couple metaphors and some decent enough rhyming throughout. This is not my favorite but it is definitely a wellrounded story.



    Cigma -
    First thing I'd like to point out is: "Window spoken becomes “Winderr…broken?”

    haha, Fa sho

    Infact I really like that whole stanza. You really get to know the character in this 4th stanza. You depict him as a true alchoholic, his slurred speech and accent, his cowardness, his clumsiness, etc...I didn't really get the point of the rhyme pattern on this one though...you did: A B C D D C C E....kind of weird but I guess it's ok it was still an interesting bit....

    I like how you go on to develop this guys life. He misses his ex ol lady so much he reminisces about her. Basically when you go into this part about the secon dday of break up, you are explaining the motives behind his drunken behavoir in the first 4 stanzas.

    "Add mistakes up dirt dug for my own grave," <--- that line blew me away

    I don't get the ending....



    Vote - Cigma

    Better symantics, better wordplay, better story.
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? - i almost feel like ive read this before. then again, this is your patented type of verse. really enjoyed it as i was reading. the verse had nice build up. i hadnt realized the guy was her brother until the end. then the part about him coming home and her having cut herself was very descriptive. the entire verse was very detailed, and the flow was smooth. dope ass verse.

    Cigma - IT DIDNT RHYME. VERSES HAVE TO RHYME. lmao. im kidding. this was a nice verse, and extremely impressive considering what a rough week you said youd been having. i felt as though the break up inspired this verse. i could be wrong, but i picked up on that. overall this was a very good verse, man. hope everything works out.

    this is an extremely difficult battle to call. both verses were very well written. however, i liked GL?'s verse slightly better. nice battle guys

    vote- GL?
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    gl:
    ok so he rapes his sister right, i like it.. its sort of the back story to the Japanese film "Old Boy".. You should watch it it'll be right up your alley.. Excellent structure which made the verse flow like melted butter and the story itself was definitely solid.. Nah scratch that the story was right up there with the gore i write.. All up pretty decent verse gl?.. did enjoy this piece..

    cig:
    This was personal, so full of emotion and detail.. Beautiful wording and a smooth structure.. This came straight from the heart and the end line was priceless.. See no offense to gotlife but you are more of a mature writer and it shows in this weeks match up.. Top notch verse..


    vote = gotlife?

    see there is so many well thought out and well delivered positives to both.. Cigma man that was raw and totally dug it but i have to and this 90% of the time i will do this vote for the more developed story.. So im not just reading pure emotion.. Dont get me wrong cig could easily take this match its just ima story guy.. G/L too both brilliant work..
    test
  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,096
    got l -- sick twist, never saw it coming, sick as in evil. per usual the flow was right for the verse. I liked this line:

    Ashley was reading a teen magazine,
    Something about salad green cuisine,

    the two words 'something about' just hit home with me. like it was a acknowledgment that yeah she is into those things, but whatever, ya know ? because the narration only perceives her personally but has his on plans. Good narration truly through out bro.

    I felt most of the verse was just flat narration with out much fat. Not much mood was created and it just came out static. I was told all this. Which is a style in its own right, but with cats coming with not only flow, imagery and narration, you need to incorporate all.

    flow again was your strong points. where as depth of imagery is weak here.


    cigma-- you created a scene from a to z which was pretty cool. some times the way you described things a gave color / imagery that was a bit awkward, not to say bad, but not a universal note/chord.

    It was a complete set up and delivery of topic and where your flow was not as strong as GL?'s but you had elements that actually created mood and atmosphere.

    to hit home what I mean:

    Wake up to the second day of break up.
    YUP still sucks as much as the first one.
    Add mistakes up dirt dug for my own grave,
    Neglectful, disrespectful, want things my own way
    …As she lays warmly next to me a universe away,
    An artist way with words but I have nothing to say,
    Since I don’t make her feel very special anymore.


    ---
    both verse are good, certainly thats not the issue in my vote. I'm going for the complete package as I understand writing...

    v cignig
    test
  12. HeartCloaker

    HeartCloaker Winter is coming

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Got Life?
    It might just be me, because I've had this complaint about a lot of poetry I've read, but the constant line breaks before the sentence is complete makes it seem choppy to me instead of smooth. Throwing in the incest bit kind of felt like you were like, "Hmm, I'm doing a story about violent rape but what can I say to make it even darker." It rang hollow for me. Maybe I'm just too desensitized... Probably would have been better if you spent some time at the beginning getting us to like the victim or raper so we could sympathize with them during the story, instead of just throwing them right into the rape.


    Cigma
    The story was very... distant? It felt more like a scenario than a story to me. Yes things were happening, but the details weren't established well and then you moved on to something else. If Got Life?'s verse had been a video yours would have been a picture slide show. Be more like Got Life?.

    Vote: Got Life?
    test
  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    GL? - This was a interesting yet disturbing verse. The story was great. It moved along at a good pace. The rhymes were smooth and not rushed. Everything seemed to fit together nicely. all in all, like t.a.c. i felt like i've read something like this before. Not exactly the same but similar. Still an enjoyable story to read.

    Fave line -
    "Yet she was his sister,
    So when he picked her up and kissed her,
    The rest of him died...
    Two worlds collide,
    He lives with what he did as he looks in her eyes,
    And her eyes are now hollow as she wishes she dies"


    Cigma - I did enjoy this one as well. You took two topics and made a nice story out of it. Your rhyme scheme was nice change of pace and i like how this flowed together. I found the best thing about your verse was your imagery and I felt that you developed the story nicely..Good work here.


    Fave line -
    "Misbehaving craven creating flagrant fines
    Culpable crashing multiple candy machines
    Bartenders summoning management beings
    Sheepishly abandon the scene of the crime"


    Overall a even match up. I thought that the mechanics were about even, GL had the better flow and Cigma was better with the imagery. Still, I believe that this match is one of those things where you pick which story was more intriguing to you. In this case, GL was the winner. His story was simpler and easier for me to understand in my current state of medication. GOod work by both writers!


    V/ GL?
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    GL up 2-1
    test
  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? wins 4-1
    test
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