[Week 14][Contender] 3. Patrown(1-1) vs 4. ShadowWarriorfs(9-4) vs 5. Breathless(7-6)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 16, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  3. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    sup shadow, breath less. good luck.
    test
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689



    Help me please…

    The urge is overwhelming and I’m losing control
    A tortured soul snatched through the blackest of holes
    Struggling to be whole cradling my broken pieces
    Eyelids in creases realizing how pointless peace is
    My sister always spoke of a light that she could see
    Preaching of hope that might become a blanket to warm me
    Trying to warn me of the darkness that I sheltered
    Her words like daggers as my cold body sweltered
    I felt her trying to help but ignored her direction
    Sisterly affection extinct as I feared facing rejection
    She was the good to my evil, how could I compare?
    I knew life wasn’t fair but why was she born without a care?
    Trying to swallow my pride but tasting failure
    Searching for clothes with the devil as my tailor
    His voice was the only warmth I’ve felt in years
    Whispering about how he has helped with the tears
    And the fears would subside if I gave myself to him
    I decided to confide in him, I desired to erase my sin
    What choice did I have? I was tired of being alone
    An emotionless drone with no other path shown
    My sister stood there before me with her arms open
    Begging and hoping I would come home but I was broken
    Choking on her tears as she hugged me tight
    I held her closing my eyes hoping this could feel right
    But I felt nothing despite our bonds in blood and spirit
    “I love you Shelly.” She whispered as if I wanted to hear it
    I stood there motionless as her words echoed in my head
    Suddenly she coughed as I opened my eyes and saw red
    I looked down as she began to hunch over and plummet
    My hand holding scissors that was lodged into her stomach
    I dropped to the ground as I begged for her to breathe
    Her head buried in my lap, blood drenched my sleeve
    Asking someone to help me please…


    [​IMG]

    test
  5. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    1,600
    Disaster and rebirth
    ______________________________

    Its just another business trip princess, a week at most

    But daddy, no, we don't want you to go

    I'm sorry sweety but i need to... now, i love you an' mommy both....
    be good to her honey, and yer new brother too...

    The one that's still in her tummy?
    ...........Yea, and in six or seven months he'll
    be just as lovely as you, trust me, its true
    Now, i gotta go, when she wakes up, tell her i love her too

    And that was the last day he saw his daughter's face
    at least as her father...but not as his soul

    It all came in an instant, it happened way too fast
    No time for a last minute phone call, just, wham
    A flash and a bang, and the passenger plane crashed
    A family changed, but, actually, changed back...

    She felt a little movement in her belly and stirred...
    Looked at the clock... two minutes to twelve, what the world?
    Letting her her eyelids widen a bit more she spies her girl
    sitting at the foot of the bed smiling, eyes shining like pearls

    Daddy said to not wake you and brother...

    Brother, huh?... well, it could still be one or the other
    We're still not all that far along yet...
    Anyway, its time to get up, I'm hungry...
    But...

    ....and another rumble comes, stronger this time
    oo put your hand here on my tummy Belle, quick
    You might be able to feel his first kick...

    Aaah, you said his... it is a brother, isn't it?...

    The woman sighed, shook her head, rolled outta bed, yawns
    Put on her houseshoes, went downstairs to make breakfast
    Flipping the switch on the television as she walks past to the kitchen
    Then stops, as she listens to the first sentence of the news

    Breaking story, tragedy struck suddenly today just before noon
    Flight 672 burst into flames shortly after leaving the runway... we'll have more soon
    test
  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    With a smile he asked, "who wants to see their mother?"
    one reaching arms high is called forward with 2 others
    "Your number?"
    "A thousand fifty nine sir," responded Merik

    One arm signaled right, guiding calmly
    along a wall our decomposing parents are lying at dawn
    Stuck frozen in place, pissing through rags on the fallen
    with sodden legs we stepped slowly into problems
    Rotten flesh swallows feet past the ankles
    all to be next to Mengele "the white angel"

    Knotted hair's tangled and painfully brushed
    pieces of scalp dangle from craniums clutched
    angles tested by Nazis like we're geraniums plucked
    Wall flowers now sing matching lymph node cuts
    "We're just posing for pictures and going home?"

    "Lift your left arm and show the stitch, or you won't."
    They call me Uncle Mengele, I've many medical tools
    No pain medicines used when I'm aesthetically cruel
    They pathetically drool after lobotamy school time
    Just a pupil at a time and they follow the rules fine

    [​IMG]
    test
  7. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    1,600
    test
  8. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    test
  9. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    Shadow- Two topics in one? What a deal! Honestly though, I expected a crazier verse because you said you were hungry this week. The verse in itself didn't really have any flaws, which is expected from you. But I would have liked to see a bit more creativity with how you approached the topics. The piece didn't really have any lines that really stuck out, but that's common in alot of straight storytelling pieces.. the rhymes were there, but they weren't particularly impressive.. Not sure if that's because you underestimated your opponents (I've certainly done that on a couple occasions >.>), but rhymes aren't everything.

    breathless: One thing i gotta say about you is you really don't mind taking risks... gotta applaud that. What I immediately noticed is how you chose you format and lay out your piece... It made me have to go around and search for the rhymes. Some lines didn't even have a rhyming counterpart. This works when used in the right moments, but it wasn't used effectively in this piece.. However, you did a great job with the dialogue. The part with the father was alright, but the part with the mother was great, you executed the dialogue very well.
    I think the biggest issue for you is adapting to this format.. Realize that when people read your piece, they have no audio and they can't read your mind on how certain parts are supposed to flow.. If you tailor your piece a bit with that in mind, I think it will do you some good..

    patrown: I glanced at the entire piece and thought I was reading Coups piece haha.. That picture is disgusting and I was hoping no one would use it so I wouldn't have to look at it again, damn you. Again I see improvements from last week. That second stanza's first two lines felt a little bit spotty. The fact that they didn't rhyme and my assumption that "calmly" was supposed to rhyme with "Merik" with a silent K threw me off for a moment.. mostly because then the line ending with "dawn" stands alone in the middle of the stanza. If you want a line that stands alone, I've found it to be most effective at the end of a stanza than anywhere else. The imagery was really great there though, I see a vast improvement in that area.

    "Knotted hair's tangled and painfully brushed
    pieces of scalp dangle from craniums clutched
    angles tested by Nazis like we're geraniums plucked
    Wall flowers now sing matching lymph node cuts"

    minus the little spelling error ("angles" instead of "angels") that part was really something.

    I thought Shad was going to steamroll the competition this week, but that really wasn't the case. Shad had the most technically sound verse and smoothly told a story. Really nothing you can pick at in terms of execution. Breath did a great job personifying his characters. Patrown brought the imagery and I had a feeling he was going to really bring it this week, which he did. For me it's going to really come down to Shad's flawless verse against Patrown's slightly flawed but otherwise great verse..

    vote- Patrown. Great job this week.
    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    shad -

    The urge is overwhelming and I’m losing control
    A tortured soul snatched through the blackest of holes
    Struggling to be whole cradling my broken pieces
    Eyelids in creases realizing how pointless peace is


    simply an amazing opener!

    You should incorporate paragraph breaks in this...it helps transition ideas and flow of story. I think after that opening one was needed. Overall this read hot and the flow was on point...a very good concept here and if you were to break it up with proper rests and pauses with paragraphs it would actually have read better, however weird that sounds.

    I don't know why but I thought the narrator was the borhter...but I think they were both sisters. That was a little confusing because I read it to be masculine. The way you described this suicide was very interesting because all the narration and thoughts were relevant and you did not spend to much time on back story or filler...I liked the way you referenced evil, and the devil. Nice touch to an bleak and believable scene. Notice I did not say story, but you did paint a good graphic sense, full of emotion and believable narration. Great job.

    breathless-

    I really enjoyed the dialog and the conversations of the father to the daughter, the mother with the daughter and their interaction even with the new baby still unborn in the womb. Great read in that respect. Dialog is conversation's greatest hits and I think you did great...

    However good that was, the whole piece was under developed. We know dad left and told daughter to be good to mom and womb baby, and he leaves, they talk and then he dies. THe only revelation was that mom heard it on the news. So what ? Nothing really tied back into the dialog that you established so well. This was unfinished in that sense and you could have taken a few more paragraphs to tie it all together. You at the beginning created some sort of mood that would have been great to re tie in...but it was just unrealized.


    pat-

    With a smile he asked, "who wants to see their mother?"
    one reaching arms high is called forward with 2 others

    ^kind confusing!

    "Your number?"
    "A thousand fifty nine sir," responded Merik


    ^What's going on here in this opening ? Mad confused!

    One arm signaled right, guiding calmly
    along a wall our decomposing parents are lying at dawn
    Stuck frozen in place, pissing through rags on the fallen


    ^weird rhymes: dawn/fallen and to me messes up understanding cos of flow. What's up with all these arms ? can you say people and identify what's going on ? LOL

    with sodden legs we stepped slowly into problems
    Rotten flesh swallows feet past the ankles
    all to be next to Mengele "the white angel"


    ^who is Mengele ? Not common knowledge. Confuses story. Short stories need none of that.

    Knotted hair's tangled and painfully brushed
    pieces of scalp dangle from craniums clutched
    angles tested by Nazis like we're geraniums plucked
    Wall flowers now sing matching lymph node cuts
    "We're just posing for pictures and going home?"


    very nice...It was refreshing to have some sense going on!

    "Lift your left arm and show the stitch, or you won't."
    They call me Uncle Mengele, I've many medical tools


    ^who uncle Mengele ? Here we go with the arms again. Is Arm peson ? LOL

    No pain medicines used when I'm aesthetically cruel
    They pathetically drool after lobotamy school time
    Just a pupil at a time and they follow the rules fine



    Over all I like the weird narration. It's was kinda creepy like I was under the chair being operated on in a daze. I like the imagery in the "Knotted hair" stanza. That whole set was hot as hot can get. The whole written was pretty sick despite some confusion....the opening is OK because as the piece closes it makes sense, but standing alone it's not.

    With a smile he asked, "who wants to see their mother?"
    one reaching arms high is called forward with 2 others


    One reaching arms...It starts singular with the word ONE then goes pular with ARMS...then this reaches high is called forward with 2 others. Just so messy and confusing right of the batt!

    Like I said though, this was pretty sick,..just needed some clarity for me. not enought to beat shad's peice though. You took breathless


    v/ shad for clarity and overall best performence!
    test
  11. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    1,600
    The connection was the flight number, 672, and the dad telling g the daughter, in 6 to 7 months, and that the woman woke up with the baby's firsts kicks/consciousness and sees the clock at 10 minutes to twelve, and the plane crashed just before noon...
    And patrown's line of one reaching arms high... was just missing a comma after one, i thought it made just fine sense
    test
  12. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    wow, mind=blown. That was in there, I AM SLOW. I feel stupid :/ Im not that quick at all.
    test
  13. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    lets move casual conversations (including verse explanations) to the lounge please =]
    test
  14. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    1,600
    No...
    I am a fucking rebel.
    test
  15. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    oh fuck meant for pm
    test
  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    Shadow and Patrown tie
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)