[Week 14][Champ] C. TheInkwell(4-1) vs 2. Coup d'etat(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 16, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

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    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    check, g'luck ink!

    my anthem this week:

    test
  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Rebirth

    I'm

    Haunted by the memories of places I've been
    Of my faceless past sins, palpitations' & spins
    Running up endless stairs. Up lifes' downward slopes
    Knowin' the old, preparing up there Mountains of Hope
    But I'm twisted in cobwebs, trapped in insidious plots
    Just a spider asleep, life is feedin' the insects and rot
    Crawling to the surface like fat worms after hard rains
    My memory is power like dreams to bombard the profane
    My dreams go uninterpreted, like a letter never read
    It's the better end--I'm bitter for being altogether dead
    Fuck choices I made, pleasures are some how mutterings
    Just allow my voice to now measure out these sufferings:

    I'm still thirteen years old, joining a cult to find love
    I'm the awkward bookish boy, adults' lies soft like gloves
    Their acid acceptance is my emotional treasure... privacy
    Promise of fair weather but passive storms discern silently
    I'm still seven, watching a Venus Flytrap glowing mysterious
    As my parents joke at the end of a marriage, broke so furious
    I'm still seventeen, walking in my first bid of doomed freedom
    Somehow, even now I can't believe I just got rid of all reason

    I still live in my car, years after founding a new family
    Renting more permanent gigs. Astounding sings at agony
    All the police, and criminals, and false friends linger & chill
    Most are in my head; they're all sleepin' on my box springs still
    It's still my wedding day, the day of the birth of my child
    The day we got the autism diagnosis, welcomed with smiles

    It's the day my wife left me, and the day I left my wife
    It's today, my child and wife in the oceans called life
    Me on the shore, scribbling this essay in front of dolphins
    It's all those times, together with thirty nails in my coffin

    When you make truly significant life choices, remember this
    Before you age, or commit a crime, use drugs, flash your tits
    Or get married, or choose to be homeless: all splendor is shit
    Some of these choices are crossroads, a direction you choose
    Dreams can and will change you forever, a suggestion I use:

    Treat your mind as a museum you must curate
    In time a REBIRTH must come, it's not life but fate





    HALLELUYAH
    [​IMG]








    .
    test
  6. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    TOPIC: You walk into a bar and sit down. You order a drink and begin looking around the bar. After awhile you begin to notice something about the bar was wrong. Explain.



    Clean, crisp, suit – a little scruff gives a man character
    Bartender’s eyes on me, two finger raise brings her over
    A slight smirk, wandering eyes to show I know she’s got it
    Go ahead and flaunt it like a museum my eyes attended
    “I’ll have a Gimlet, real lime juice… Gin, not vodka babe”
    She winks and slinks away, her ass sashaying a wave
    I may have made her night, but to me it’s another day
    I just might take her away, an answer to what she prayed
    Heh…
    I see a slight shadow in the corner of my i… ris
    A slender bare wrist that froze my heart like an ice… pick
    Me an’ her? We locked sights, I ain’t no locksmith
    Toothpick slipped from my lips and hit the floor like a dance mix
    Clear the throat and recollect myself… this is all me
    Something says she’ll see through me with vision that’s omni
    But never mind that, I smile and ask her what she’ll have
    “Cosmopolitan,” confident and no games, I’m feelin that
    Almond eyes, slightly tanned, bangs like a veil gracing her face
    Perky lips like a sheath, pointed to accommodate a blade
    That’s her tongue, yeah she stings, I can tell from her display
    Low cut dress stops at her thighs with the edges slightly frayed
    Damn…
    The dim lighting wraps her body like a sheet of gold
    I’m looking for the creases usually across the centerfolds
    Bartender brings my drink and her Cosmopolitan too
    I’m casting out my pheromones, tangled in her perfume
    I close the distance by some inches, eyeing the menu prices
    “Can you help me out? Girl, something’s wrong with that list
    It’s been bothering me ever since you walked through the door
    I see a lot of numbers up there, but… I don’t see yours”
    test
  7. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Well, this was very clearly a win for coup, the rhyme, flow, emotion and natural grace of the writing was over the top, ink, your story didn't really develop into much, not a bad piece by any means tho, just far less than what coup put in it. I actually liked the first bit where the rhymes were staggered off the end of the lines... no real complaints, just coup was on it more, if ink would've Vienna more story i think this maybe woulda turned out different.t

    Vote =Coup
    test
  8. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    ehm.. i don't understand what you mean by "astounding sings at agony"

    i felt for the guy you portrayed, but the character felt unfinished to me... nothing happened with him. i'm left wondering how warm that lap top is and how long he'll make it.. the first two stanzas set a tone and walked the character through his life eloquently.
    but why's rebirth purple? why hallelujah? the guy didn't seem religious.. and it was very abrupt in the story. where did this come from bud?
    anyways, or get married or..
    just "get married or" might flow smoother.



    ink-
    pretty laid back verse, entertaining and concise.

    ^that killed me.. was feeling that aspect of your tone.
    imo, irish and ice pick shouldn't have been separated by periods
    "omni" is supposed to be attached to a word.
    even if taken as "all," i read it like omnivorous, meaning "all"

    honestly, I was amused by your piece Ink. "bangs like a veil" etc.. even though a bit off, and amusing.. omni made me stop and look at it from it's place and it drew away from the story's appeal.

    /v coup. i was drawn into the story further than I was with ink's..
    they both had word usage errors but one had a much greater impact on how I read the story.. just a little bit more development from ink would have given him my vote. good match though. nice verses.
    test
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    60,689
    quick vote before i hit the road

    I'd have to agree with everyone else here. Coup's story was just more solid than Inks. Coup broken his 16 line limit tho so he got minus points, j/k lol. Ink's problem here is that he made this story drag in areas. I know he was trying to give as much detail as possible but there were points where he didn't need to really go any further and could have progressed the story more. For example,

    "Toothpick slipped from my lips and hit the floor like a dance mix
    Clear the throat and recollect myself… this is all me"

    was just not needed, and could've been used to progress the story. Still, the story was entertaining, he just needs to pick and choose when to add descriptions and when to progress the story. \


    V/ Coup...good jobs guys, i'll see you in a week! maybe sooner for coup ;-) no homo
    test
  10. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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