[Week 14] 5. Got Life(1-0) vs 6. Cereal Killer(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Nov 26, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146

    [​IMG]
    ..
    Sands of Time
    ..

    One granule left, one moment of breath to own in life inside a camel cigarette
    I inhale and dangle through debt to death I owe yet I handle with respect
    My tombstone reflects my face
    As my grave projects my past in a pasture of regret
    Green as the seas as calm as the breeze
    I dry reach laughter because I’m not dead
    Yet
    My heart it bleeds clots that weave rotting sleeves of forgotten peace
    Please decease mocking me and my beliefs
    For karma’s alarmed and its plot has breach
    My mind
    I heave inside a dream that this demon denies the trouble bestowed
    As a couple we’d grown
    Though I see that love can brunt and burst the bubble you blow
    This atomic smoke cloud vomits hope out through chronic depression
    Once my senses broke down mentions of growth had flown to honest regression
    A peasant whom chokes now on existence
    So vicious I’m scorned
    See I’m morning her resistance forced from the incision I formed
    Crazed in self-pity, shitty and enslaved gritting my teeth as I bathe
    Under a golden skyline I am holding tight my belief I am sane
    Murder of course short circuits and works my worth into the dirt
    Hurt her I purge forth cursing the fact it was never my intent at first
    The birth of bewilderment had earthed my field of dreams
    To kill at will I reach inside my morals to shield the screams
    I feel pain, uneased, deranged and fraying at the seems
    Believing that the reality is I’m decaying beneath the scene
    Looking for lost Love
    Like it was going out of fashion
    Our two hearts beat this chemical reaction
    Acting on instincts together for months as we clung to a physical attraction
    Though she was persistent, urging a change
    Remaking our future day by day
    So beautiful and soothing
    Her words did amuse me
    Yet I still played it safe
    I walked on eggshells as her head swelled now forget about her ego
    She propelled with confidence and could easily convince any and all people
    Some may call it evil
    Why did she want to leave me and my bleeding heart as I’d scar
    Flesh off her chest on our honeymoon to start off our path
    She lies on our bed bleed out as the sheets run red
    The knife you’ll find beside her head whilst I watch the sun rest
    You see there is no answer correct enough to pretend in love
    I was in it ‘til the end as fifteen minutes before we had extend with hugs
    Sex and intimacy, the sweet scent of sweat while so sexually bent
    High off of pheromones through the terror dome because we’re mentally set
    Our bodies now close like my shaft is a bow and this cupid’s exposed
    As on this remote island she had proposed a pact once LUPUS aroused
    She was dying
    One month to live
    One moment that’s slipped into an existence of pain
    I agreed and would heed each step until I had to leave my wrist wrenched n stained
    I held the blade to the vein as it pulsated like a junkie near beige
    But I flunked it unable to shave and break through the afterlife to embrace
    My babe
    My girl whom I couldn’t save now as her image burns my iris
    I’m fighting for forgiveness but God won’t listen
    I just can’t turn righteous
    The question is not will I kill myself it’s whether the Devil awaits my move huh
    But I figure
    You can’t change the past
    Just ruin the present by worrying about the future

    ..
    So I sit in awe for the last grain of sand to fall

    ..​
    test
  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Topic: Miscarriage of Justice

    Dylan sat silent enthralled by the end all, be all,
    In the back, a mindless flick staring Steven Segal,
    His step father watching, eating some TV dinner,
    Stomach bulging, that gluttonous greedy sinner,
    With some barbeque sauce and beer on his shirt,
    Such an unsettling sight that drove Dylan berserk,
    Although he kept it inside letting the anger collide,
    With his spirit, trapped in a manger he lied,
    Telling his mother, nothings wrong, don’t worry,
    Knowing she’ll work late, that she won’t hurry,
    Leaving him free with the depth of his thoughts,
    This was his pinnacle, he’d wept with the lots,
    But he’d weep no longer, he’d grown far stronger,
    Overcoming his fears, Dylan was a war monger,
    With the utter disdain for this man, no…this stain,
    On the tree of his family after his father was slain,
    Indeed, he had to piece together a real device,
    Writing a symphony entitled “I Sacrifice”.

    He lathered his hands cleansing them with soap,
    Finally ready he takes the metallic corded rope,
    Walking into the room, moving forward he chokes-
    The man before him, Dylan’s bitter heart elopes,
    All that’s left is a melody, a peaceful serenity,
    Now working to remove any traceable identity,
    Meticulously removing the meat of Jim’s bones,
    The sky a grey contrast creating the dark tones-
    That continued to fuel this fire, as he’d conspire,
    To drag the hefty bags with flesh to those dire,
    In truth the wolves loved every single scrap,
    Tearing through ligaments, appreciating the trap,
    Which was ever so rigorously devised,
    From a boy, now a man, that truly despised,
    The very core of what’s left of his step father,
    Lost was him feeling inept, lost was his bother,
    He was free to conduct his symphony,
    Speaking to himself... “I’ll never miss a key.”

    He kept true to this promise, a man of his word,
    Running rampant to the voice that he heard,
    Inside the pit of his soul, within his very mind,
    As he spent his time to chisel and grind,
    Every single bone from the remains before him,
    Into piano keys and a quite unique décor trim,
    So each key that he stroked evoked his passion,
    To remove his step father and finally fashion,
    A piano based on a grand divine design,
    Playing as mom came home, he felt serpentine,
    And while unhinged he never jerked when asked,
    Why he now smiled, a smile he had kept masked-
    For what seems like ages,
    He shrugged, leaving the note off the pages,
    Although there was a note tacked to the fridge,
    It read “I can’t stand it…
    I’ve had enough of you and your kid”.

    Mom cried that night, but moved on quickly,
    Soothed by the melody that Dylan played swiftly,
    He always knew what notes would soothe her,
    Making sure no one would use and abuse her,
    He was her guardian, though slightly obsessed,
    His life became a symphony entitled,
    “Justice is Best.”
    test
  4. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    test
  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,692
    CK - This was a beautiful story. I loved how you developed this. The imagery was amazing and the flow was top notch. You brought me into the story and took me on a ride. Not only was this story entertaining but was also a refreshing read. I am very impressed with you. This was probably one of your best verses i've read from you. Great work here, stellar performance.


    Fave line -
    "The birth of bewilderment had earthed my field of dreams
    To kill at will I reach inside my morals to shield the screams
    I feel pain, uneased, deranged and fraying at the seems
    Believing that the reality is I’m decaying beneath the scene"


    GL? - Another great verse. I really enjoyed the story here. The imagery was top notch. The rhyming was great as well. This was entertaining as well. A good change of pace from everything else this week. I know that people think you suck but i really find your work to be really good and inspirational. Great story here


    Fave line -
    "Mom cried that night, but moved on quickly,
    Soothed by the melody that Dylan played swiftly,
    He always knew what notes would soothe her,
    Making sure no one would use and abuse her,
    He was her guardian, though slightly obsessed,
    His life became a symphony entitled,
    “Justice is Best.” "


    BOTW...easy...this was great to read and i even read it aloud to my son and he seemed to enjoy both. Both writers were mechanically sounds and their stories were superb but in the end, i have to give this to CK. His verse wowed me just a a tad more than GL?'s which was just as impressive. Good work guys!


    V/ CK
    test
  7. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Cereal Killer
    I love the story and the writing overall, great job.

    My favorite line is also:

    "The birth of bewilderment had earthed my field of dreams
    To kill at will I reach inside my morals to shield the screams
    I feel pain, uneased, deranged and fraying at the seems
    Believing that the reality is I’m decaying beneath the scene"



    Got Life
    Great imagery and superb structure...it seems (by looking at the votes in my battle) that people don't appreciate structure here. However, I think structure is an intricate part that makes hiphop verses different from just some everyday poem. We are writin lyrics ya know? Intended to be sang or chanted (as in rap)....this was a great verse as you utilized that while also including great story telling methods. I also like the symphony parts.




    Vote = Got Life
    test
  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    C.Kill -- Well done hommie. Your rhyme system was beautiful as Shad had mentioned. I like the compassion and energy behind most lines. A lot of quotables here, though one or maybe two lines failed to reach the heights of the others, IMO

    As a critic, I would have to flaw you here for clarity- just how I fell victim this week in my verse. This verse did not require a reread but to be honest and deserving of your talent, I must say that there was some question to the exact nature of your intended message. It may be of design, but it is open to interpretation. Yes ? I could not readily make out a unified plot/theme or line of events. Make no mistake, because it was a very good verse and rides high on its own merit; for the style of writing here I felt deep down that unification of ideas was a prerequisite for smooth readability...and to say nothing of its original creativity.

    Your opener spoke to me and it says 1000 things in such small space. I love that:

    "One granule left, one moment of breath to own in life inside a camel cigarette
    I inhale and dangle through debt to death I owe yet I handle with respect
    My tombstone reflects my face"


    Gotlife?-- From what I've read of you, this is verse I like the best. I won't mention flow for obvious reasons that it was what I come to expect from you as I slowly learn each persons style. I want to mention that I love the many different plot devices and subtle metaphors all going off at the same time but all serving a nice tight thread/purpose of understanding: the human condition and as this verse shows , its universal theme of emotion. Here, I can relate and I like how you carry this out. Is this a past experience you went through?




    ---this week was again nothing short of what I expected from these two writers. Both are fine examples, my vote goes to what I connected with in the most efficient manner and does not reflect the better writer. NICE job to both of you, IMO


    V-Gotlife?
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,208
    CK - this was really a great story. held my interest and kept me "wanting more". the imagery was dope and the flow of the verse was very smooth. the thing about this verse though that stood out to me was the rhyme schemes.

    "A peasant whom chokes now on existence
    So vicious I’m scorned
    See I’m morning her resistance forced from the incision I formed
    Crazed in self-pity, shitty and enslaved gritting my teeth as I bathe
    Under a golden skyline I am holding tight my belief I am sane"

    after reading those four lines i remember thinking "daaaaaaamn, that was hot" lol. and i never quote verses so that should be telling you something. great job

    GL? - fuckin eh, you made this an extremely difficult battle to call. i thought the story was very well told and held my attention well. the imagery was nice and the rhymes were cool. this verse really excelled in its flow. extremely smooth read, which i really enjoyed. for some reason the "some tv dinner" part irked the shit outta me. it jus didnt sound right to me.

    vote - overall this battle is extremely hard to call. but i have to give it to CK by an extremely narrow margin. the margins so small shadows dick could barely fit in it. thats how tiny it is.
    test
  10. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    12,377
    CK -
    My tombstone reflects my face
    As my grave projects my past in a pasture of regret


    Interesting imagery and personification

    My heart it bleeds clots that weave rotting sleeves of forgotten peace
    Please decease mocking me and my beliefs


    Clots that weave rotting sleeves of forgotten peace? Man I get goosebumps.
    Second line should be desist, not decease although it carries on the scheme,
    it is a glaring misuse.
    Decease is the act of dying, Desist is to cease doing something.

    Though I see that love can brunt and burst the bubble you blow

    A little bit confusing subject and object, But finally... Love is the one that brunts and bursts ... the bubbles you blow?
    So love is brunting bubbles blown, but is also capable of being burst by them. Some parts work in this metaphor technically, but is strange language use. Creative idea.

    This atomic smoke cloud vomits hope out through chronic depression

    Vomits out through chronic depression is clever, but an atomic smoke cloud misses to me. It strays too far into that direction taking liberties with loaded impressive words, and loses credibility.

    Crazed in self-pity, shitty and enslaved gritting my teeth as I bathe
    Under a golden skyline, I am holding tight my belief, I am sane


    Good description, relates to the picture topic, some extra comma's would
    smooth out the flow and make the missing 'To' less noticeable.

    To kill at will I reach inside my morals to shield the screams

    That line is dope, but it implies something within your morals shields screams, but it's not mentioned. Leaving out pieces.

    I feel pain, uneased, deranged and fraying at the seems
    Believing that the reality is I’m decaying beneath the scene


    That's pro, imagery flow, details, movement.

    Looking for lost Love
    Like it was going out of fashion
    Our two hearts beat this chemical reaction


    Not feeling it. Unoriginal lacking true emotion or cleverness.

    Remaking our future day by day
    So beautiful and soothing
    Her words did amuse me
    Yet I still played it safe


    Her words did amuse juts out and this passage is oddly
    simplistic relative to the story narration thus far.

    The verse is creative and some areas of real slick flow, with high
    degrees of imagery and line structuring. The story to me was disjointed
    by odd word usage and conflicting sets of language, using Atomic and Whilst etc.
    I think the verse Attempted to impress forcefully and stretched distracting,
    from delivering an engaging story. Would go on side roads to satisfy abstract
    or intellectual displays. I would pause often because something would be a
    little weird or clashy.


    GL -
    Dylan sat silent enthralled by the end all, be all,
    In the back, a mindless flick staring Steven Segal,


    Right away in step with rhymes, narration, imagery, detail. Also enthrall
    is good vocabulary setter.

    With some barbeque sauce and beer on his shirt,
    Such an unsettling sight that drove Dylan berserk,


    Details let me see the story the characters reaction
    to events let me connect also laying foundation for future action.
    Once again using 'berserk' is more potent than just saying angry yay.

    letting the anger collide,
    With his spirit, trapped in a manger he lied,
    Telling his mother, nothings wrong, don’t worry,
    Knowing she’ll work late, that she won’t hurry,


    Anger collide wit spirit is nice, trapped in the manger? ehh.. but it's all
    in the flow of story and they way you continue to develop it with clues
    and trying to give imagery and other elements is skillful and difficult.

    Walking into the room, moving forward he chokes-
    The man before him, Dylan’s bitter heart elopes,


    It feels like you need a break in between 'before him' and 'Dylan's bitter'
    Seems like an incomplete idea jumping into the next sequence, perhaps...

    Walking into the room moving forward he chokes the man...
    Before him from behind without warning, Dylan's bitter heart elopes.

    With the utter disdain for this man, no…this stain,
    On the tree of his family after his father was slain,


    Vocab is descriptive and emphatic, although introduces a huge element
    without appropriate buildup, like we find out a crucial detail just all of a sudden.

    So each key that he stroked evoked his passion,
    To remove his step father and finally fashion,
    A piano based on a grand divine design,
    Playing as mom came home, he felt serpentine,
    And while unhinged he never jerked when asked,
    Why he now smiled, a smile he had kept masked-
    For what seems like ages,
    He shrugged, leaving the note off the pages,
    Although there was a note tacked to the fridge,
    It read “I can’t stand it…
    I’ve had enough of you and your kid”.


    That's plain great.

    Very polished verse, tight for the most part, although a few holes. The story
    was in the details, narration was confident, vocab was stimulating because of
    how it was pertinent to the story, not just for the sake of being abstract.
    You showed scenes to us especially in the intro and third. Flow was in the
    background not outstanding but it didn't need to be, it didn't distract from
    what was going on.


    Vote - GL?
    test
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,692
    GL up 3-2
    test
  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,208
    GL? wins 3-2
    test
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