[Week 13] [Contender] 3. Breathless(7-5) vs 4. Coup d'etat(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 10, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    its odd, how even though the numbers never seem to add up
    all a' this becomes almost sequential once the math's done
    exactly, that's what I've been tryin to get at most recently
    with mismatched messages, set on static frequencies
    it's a fact, sum of all the parts equal half of what this needs to be
    subtract what ones'll fall apart, but keep holdin' 'em needlessly
    take a look-see through the peephole of indecencies, those we know so peacefully
    a comatose convenience, these egos we've conceivably
    overdosed on ever since the first second of conception that let us think an' breathe
    we're sinkin' deeper, an' someone needs to reach out an' be the teacher
    breathe the ether, rise above the previous overseers and lead the grievers
    I'd be the Guy, but, I don't seek believers...

    God didn't want me to figure all this out through human logic
    but I'd rather be a profit for the planet than one God sent.
    honest, why would I want all a' this gone? huh?
    there's knowledge in this concept, without right there isn't wrong

    without life, there isn't loss, but... without loss there isn't life
    it's the cost, the price to die and live, and all a' this combined
    from the smallest to the widest, it's your fault, we bought the title with the deed
    to survive and succeed, thrive by all means
    but we each need to die in order keep bein' alive just to leave
    we've gotta fight, we've gotta bleed, we've gotta be nice, we've gotta breed
    we've gotta be just like the thing, divinely intertwined in a vital weave
    from primal screams of violence to the silence of rival dreams
    the tidal seas that rise and breach the beach divides give drinks to dried up irises
    it's the heightened sense that lets us cry and smile at the same time
    the rights of death in spite of lessons left by our ancestors under flame light
    but if its me you wanna blame, fine... I'll see you on the wayside

    God didn't want me to figure all this out through human logic
    but I'd rather be a profit for the planet than one God sent.
    honest, why would I want all a' this gone? huh?
    there's knowledge in this concept, without right there isn't wrong
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  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    nice verse breath, ill be posting tonight
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  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    neo

    Don't you know ?

    I'm that Swisher Sweet blunt, wrapped.
    Six foot deep, out back rollin' spinal taps
    One eye dank; My other eye sportin' pirate patch
    Hour glass strokin' late, eatin' crazy scooby snax

    ...Drum line pulsatin' out old harmonic flow
    Rewind ? Beats bass booms like ole dominos
    Boy's all fading soon, zero pharmaceuticals
    Doe in season, Bambi's dope ?... Dear: magical,
    Oxygen is now premium, laughin' over chemicals
    Seeing is believing, I see dreams being physical
    On it again, down periscope chasing rabbit holes
    Wow, Alice is my miracle...lickin' em' pink popsicles
    If she axe nicley, I'll give her ice scream reciprocal

    Dawg,

    This trip, be up on my bacon pan somethin' electrical
    I'm wired like ten jackals pacin' past the paradoxical
    Again, I'm that swisher blunt, done crashed all obstacles

    Please...fix me.

    [​IMG]
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  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breath - I have to say, the rhyming in this piece was really good and smooth. The flow of the piece was good as well. Like i said before words like math's isn't something i like seeing because it seems like an inappropriate use of the a apostrophe. Still, the read was enjoyable. I'm not sure what topic you chose but i did find this to be entertaining. Nice work here


    Coup - lol nice use of this topic. Besides some spelling errors like nicely (you said nicley) it was actually very enjoyable. It was short and too the point which is good in some places and with this topic it was nice. I know you are doing the 16 lines max thing but i believe that there will come a time where that might bite you in the butt. You don't have much time to really develop a story much. Still i found the piece enjoyable.

    This was a hard match to vote on. Both did well but i think Coup's verse was better structured. Breath's lines were longer than they needed to be. For example, "but we each need to die in order keep bein' alive just to leave" This could have been "but we each need to die in order stay alive, to leave" This, to me, is cleaner to read. Still a nice matchup

    V/ Coup
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  8. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    shad, listen to the audio... everyother line was "stretched" to keep the 4-5/4 timing, and math's....wtf that's the contraction of math is.... if I wouldn't have said it like that it woulda thrown the flow off...
    damn it, either bitch about proper English or the way it reads... you can't have it both... this is hip hop, phonetics over ride booty toity wording


    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...shadowwariorfs-9-3-vs-2-theinkwell-3-1-a.html
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  9. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    breath:
    first i want to say (in the nicest way possible)... no one here cares what you did before/during you writing this piece, nor do we care how long you spent on it. just post the verse and be done with it, you have talent, you don't need excuses..

    Solid rhymes throughout. This was more of a stream of consciousness type of piece. You did a good job at executing that, but still keeping it on topic (which i'm assuming was one of the God ones coup posted). This was shorter than your usual pieces, and the reduction in length really worked in your favor. you're right about the "math's" deal, you used it properly. though i disagree and think you CAN have proper English and have a piece read well.

    coup:
    At first i was wondering if there was a topic about getting high that i had missed. and then i saw the picture. lol. This piece was clean and precise. The topic itself wasn't a tough one. for any piece involving getting high, all you really have to do is write well... anything. but that doesn't take away from your piece and you did a good job portraying the state of highness. i do agree with shad though. short verses are great, but they also have their limitations.. but i know you can pull off longer verses if you felt it necessary. I've been trying to nitpick and atleast point out one thing i didn't like about everyone's verse, but you really did well with this one so i got nothing for you.

    both writers did a good job, but coup had me grinning as i was reading it, especially that second stanza and I'd say overall it was a better piece.

    vote- coup
    test
  10. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    Coup:
    got a kick out of the flow. I'd like to be able to toy with words like this.
    u busted out the indian avy for "lickin' em' pink popsicles" tho...I'm thoroughly amused.
    but following that with reciprocal's, amusing as it was it did kill the flow a little bit.
    I didn't really get the walked along a story feel I was hoping for honestly, but the way you worded it was grade a.i liked this piece but, I miss your narrations. (i.e. "lil story)

    breath-
    after making my decision i did enjoy hearing that clip.
    thanks for posting it.

    after reading over a couple times i took this piece's message as something similar to, "Too much Truth, not enough Religion." basically felt
    we've gotta be just like the thing, divinely intertwined in a vital weave
    from primal screams of violence to the silence of rival dreams
    the tidal seas that rise and breach the beach divides give drinks to dried up irises
    it's the heightened sense that lets us cry and smile at the same time
    the rights of death in spite of lessons left by our ancestors under flame light
    but if its me you wanna blame, fine... I'll see you on the wayside

    sums up the message. not taking into consideration the human struggle or the rare need to commit the "unforgivable sin" of killing a man specifically.
    enjoyed the flow as a whole, I've gotten used to your contractions and long bars.
    if i could give advice in the form of an observation.. I'd say, those long bars did not look too hard to form another bar. i almost felt like messing with it a bit myself. great as it is though.. didn't see any flaws.
    this part killed it especially though.

    a comatose convenience, these egos we've conceivably
    overdosed on ever since the first second of conception that let us think an' breathe
    we're sinkin' deeper, an' someone needs to reach out an' be the teacher


    /v breath- it's strange both pieces had the same undertone towards drug use.
    it was more prominent in coups, but with the message just one part of breaths piece, I just felt the entire message a little bit more. this was a hard one for me.
    once i understood all of what breathless said, I have to give it to you breath. nice piece, nice flow.
    test
  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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