[Week 13] [Champ] C. ShadowWariorfs(9-3) vs 2. TheInkwell(3-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 10, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Ext. please!





    I loved watching my parents spend time together
    Like lovebirds cuddled amongst each others feather
    I thought that the Sun rose and set on their love
    I felt honored to be apart of something most search of
    Perhaps I was naïve to think the world would understand
    To live by their morals that shaped me into a man
    But life had other plans as it gravitated to evil
    Rendering our innocence as impractical and feeble
    “Such hypocritical people,” I thought, my contempt was ample
    But mom told me to be different and lead by example
    Her smile warmed the chilly depths of my soul
    So I could be better, a man who was always in control

    It all happened so sudden like flashes of light
    Men invaded our home taking slashes at the night
    Dad quickly moved us into the basement
    The troops followed, forcing his face to the pavement
    Mom screamed for mercy as more soldiers gathered
    They tossed dad around his face beaten and battered
    Mom broke free from a soldier and ran to his aid
    As she shielded him from their malicious raid
    I was too scared to move, I just sat there crying
    As their bullets showered them, mom still trying-
    To protect dad as if they both were buying-
    Time, but my tears could not stop them from dying
    Their guns silent as only the shells make a sound
    The soldiers left, leaving behind their South Korean flag

    I ran to my parents as they lay there bleeding
    I tried to help but I knew I was not succeeding
    I promised my mother that I would be more
    A man of power, a man with something to stand for
    But it wasn’t enough to just succeed others must fail
    I wanted revenge for my pain the North must know of my tail
    So I rose to power, reigning over North Korea’s land
    Changed my name to Kim and marched on the sand-
    Of the South, waging war against anyone in my way
    Until the day I join my parents in the heavens in which I pray…

    [​IMG]
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  5. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    crap! i didn't realize you edited your post with your verse


    [​IMG]

    This isn’t how it seems - I swear I’m not that kind of guy
    My heart is on my sleeve - everyone wrings it out to die
    Violin used to sing - now it weeps when I play it’s spine
    The resin rises in a swirl that tries to choke me of my life
    Never ruffled feathers, always one to brush along the grain
    But now I’m sticking out like a splinter, yearning for a taste
    At school I’m laid to waste, my hand sore from yearbooks signed
    They all love the quote… the lie that’s ruining my life
    The girls giggle and wave, the jocks give me high fives
    I’m just a novelty, frantically waiting for it to subside
    They told us to write a quote, something to sum up the time
    That we spent at this school, to remember each other by
    “Thank you to all my friends, best of luck to all of you”
    That’s what I handed them before posing and smiling on cue
    But they twisted my words, just to boost their yearbook sales
    Now people think I’m what I’m not, the media prevails
    I got strangers asking me to sign their books next to my picture
    They don’t even go to my school… so I refuse to signature
    My teachers were so shocked, I seemed like such a sweet boy
    Now their smiles are tight lipped, a development I can’t avoid
    My parents cocked their eyebrows, asked me what it was all about
    Then pulled a trigger at my heart, down the barrel of their frown
    Facebook posts, viral memes, and newspaper cover stories
    It’s just a little quote, can we just give it a rest, please?
    Tried asking them to correct it, or at least make an announcement
    That it’s a misquote, they won’t, for the sake of profit
    Why me?... I didn’t do anything to deserve this
    Hopefully this will die down and never resurface
    test
  6. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    this was sorta tough to judge, conceptually. I liked where ink took the topic more, very believable, but shad's was very precise with how he told the story, it was just not believable to me, but a real good job at a bad story
    I like how ink took the quote and gave its off putting oddity a reason, made Kevin his own human with the poignant altering of his words.
    its odd, although shad was more serious and proper, wording wise and scenario, I actually felt more emotion from ink, and more natural flow and story progression
    I didn't like the end two lines of both shad's pieces, the first didn't rhyme and the last was just ehh

    overall really close, but due to believabilty and flow I gotta give the vote to Ink
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  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Shad -
    So I rose to power, reigning over North Korea’s land
    Changed my name to Kim and marched on the sand
    -

    ^ lol @ "kim" nice touch.

    the flow and wording was all tight within the structure you wrote in, that was nice. You gave a lot of back story here and being as it may, this was a meme topic and I felt you only picked up on the elements of the hilarity of the topic in the last stanza...that in itself was the best part for me. You pushed with 1/3 of the written as back story that could have been put down in favor for Kevin's antics once in power. lol ...that's just me and what I thought while reading....well written.

    If you look at the pic, you see a character that screams at you...and you did touch this toward the end...tbh I was wanting to read more of what you only briefly touched on, in it's place too much back story that was neither here or there imo.

    ink- lol, you made Kevin aware of his meme-stardom. that was a nice element to add. Over all I felt your really stuck to the meme theme and having that understanding, you came at this faithful and true to the Chang family name ? lol I liked the explanations and how it felt to be him, kinda gave some relevance to what we see in the pic.

    structure was fire and well guided. some really great lines too:

    This isn’t how it seems - I swear I’m not that kind of guy
    My heart is on my sleeve - everyone wrings it out to die
    Violin used to sing - now it weeps when I play it’s spine
    The resin rises in a swirl that tries to choke me of my life
    Never ruffled feathers, always one to brush along the grain
    But now I’m sticking out like a splinter, yearning for a taste


    i noticed the whole violin analogies/metaphor ? in these 6 lines (thought the end rhymes were kinda weak, the description was expansive and continuall :)

    I got strangers asking me to sign their books next to my picture
    They don’t even go to my school… so I refuse to signature


    "I refuse to signature" dat don't sound grammatically correct...signature is not a verb, though i got the point. How do you make it correct ? this way: " I reuse the signature"



    overall, both were well written. Had shad came in the same vain as his ending lines, that would have been pop corn reading....ink really brought more flavor and, imo, came with the better pic representation (not sure if this meme is as popular in England or what)...

    nice job y'all meme week is going to be great, props for handling a tough topic so well...i'd struggle with this now that I think of it.


    v - ink
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  8. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    shadow- i definitely enjoyed the story. got a kick out of the end tbh. I'm assuming this is supposed to be the story of Kim Il Sung, and I am impressed.
    I particularly like the way your first two bars led into the third, however, this was the first bar to sound a little off to me as I read it. just going to point them out, I feel had they been rewarded this piece would have flowed very smoothly. I bolded the phrases I would have reworded, personally.

    But life had other plans as it gravitated to evil
    Rendering our innocence as impractical and feeble
    “Such hypocritical people,” I thought, my contempt was ample
    But__ mom told me to be different and lead by example
    Her smile warmed the chilly depths of my soul
    So I could be better, a man who was always in control


    I really enjoyed this set, but am bolding a couple things in it as well. It's just opinion but the phrases looked out of place. thought anything not bolded was excellent.

    Mom broke free from a soldier and ran to his aid
    As she shielded him from their malicious raid
    I was too scared to move, I just sat there crying
    As their bullets showered them, mom still trying-
    To protect dad as if they both were buying-
    Time, but my tears could not stop them from dying
    Their guns silent as only the shells make a sound
    The soldiers left, leaving behind their South Korean flag

    s.korean flag stuck out the most. the rest i'm pointing out bcuz i was distracted at those parts. still think it's a good piece.

    btw, the North must know of my tail[/B] - got a laugh out of it.

    ink-
    it's already been pointed out this piece was believable, and an interesting twist on that meme. i never gave a single thought to taking that class way back in high school where you did the yearbook, but i regret not taking it and pulling something to this effect.
    i'm going to second the stern finger shake @ "refuse to signature" ...
    Tried asking them to correct it, or at least make an announcement
    That it’s a misquote, they won’t, for the sake of profit


    .. if what I put in bold rhymed this would be an easier vote. I think not rhyming then going out to rhyme in the last two made the finish feel a little off.

    /v ink.. i'm just going off my first impression. I got into the character more for some reason. If it wasn't because of how believable ink's story was, it could have been the parts I put in bold that threw me off. good show from both.
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  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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