[Week 12] 5. Breathless(6-5) vs 6. DethStryque(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Apr 3, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    test
  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    [​IMG]

    Being ignorantly indifferent is quite different from my intricacies
    I haven't seen things visually since I lifted lids off the inner most me
    Vim and vigor both flee with this sinner's ghost, free
    At last, but if figure that it won't be the last, see
    I've passed the repeating cycles I had masked from the past mes
    At last, I think its finalized, no more askin' "could that be?"
    In the background, I can't stand how I acted as I sat grieving
    I cheered on the lynch mob, but now I'm here, I can't believe it
    Yea, sure, maybe this time he actually was caught bein' black, thieving
    But man, there's no way this is american justice by any god damn means
    He probably needed that ham, feeding his family is noble
    But us not even giving him the chance to, then punishing when he has to resort to bein' resourceful
    honestly, this isn't a sport dude, its not some game to me
    Playing with people's lives, smiling shamelessly....
    The forefathers would be rolling over in their graves, for real
    Yea, alright, lets go start a brand new nation..."free"
    Get away from reasonless persecution in the name of... of ... greed?
    Tear down the chains from religious confinement, brave the seas
    and rebuild 'em up on our own walls over the foundation of slavery...
    Really, I'm done, all this useless hated with such complacency
    I'm goin' home, grabbin' the wife and movin' north to join the yankees, peace
    test
  3. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2008
    Messages:
    2,082
    Tournament weekend, mayne. Check. Gonna be out til about 930pm tonight. Back about 10pm, key up a verse. Good job, Breathless. But I'm not no-showin on ya. Peace.
    test
  4. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2008
    Messages:
    2,082
    Topic: My life, excerpts from my joint:"the illest immortal illuminati..."

    WHAT HAPPENS when you grab the mic and flo from the heart
    BUST RAPPIN that like Mac-10s blow holes in the charts?
    Slow in the start/but you get quick with the pick up
    Crowds erupt and git lit up as you start servin ya spit up
    Flipped cuts/with double hemispheric appeal
    Deliver the skill combined with the Spirit of Real
    Here is the deal be true to the artist within
    lose touch just once and it ALL COULD END
    They're all your friend until the REAL pressure is on
    Conjecture is on...is Deth the lessuh professor of psalms?
    My fresher lecture is strong; life is a swamp or a jungle
    You're gonna stumble and tumble but can you come back and rumble?
    Leave your foes in a jumble,reduce their roars to a mumble
    Be fiercely proud in your heart and yet impartial n humble
    mix up styles like gumbo/find your voice and speak
    connect to rhythms and beats,unleash the speech that's unique
    stare in the mirror of your soul you might grasp the key
    i ask of thee...on my knees:"Lord am I he?
    Oh God,can i be...
    THE ILLEST IMMORTAL ILLUMINATI?"

    ...Unveiling my soul passion burning blazing like coal
    Displaying my whole inner secrets is amazing and bold
    Hazing untold...i've suffered more than ten men should
    No loving affection in your expression only tension stood
    Between you and I,although I'd truly try to resolve it
    I try to strengthen our connection but you'll just wreck and dissolve it
    Spurnin my touch! Why you doin Ras like that?
    Fury erupts! Deth is now Stryquing you back!
    Martial skills amplified by the hardest steel
    Heartless thrills as you betray me,cruelly hearts will peel
    Tremendous clips twists lips mixed with endless fists
    I "write" your "name" in "white flame' on Deth's "SCHINDLER'S LIST"
    Dismember wits! this trick can NEVER be my "girlfriend"
    This scheming ho is screaming: "No!!" reap what you sow: THE
    WHIRLWIND...

    ...the pressure is mountin and many people are doubtin
    like "geysers' "my words" are spoutin but you ain't hearin me shoutin
    your friends are madd fakes my mistakes and bad breaks
    add weight to my back til i crack and lash hate!
    bash stakes/thru your temple until your dome's disassembled
    it's therapuetic when i do this with micrphones or a pencil
    Stencil my name in the stars or on the bones of foes carve
    DETHSTRYQUE THE INVINCIBLE with syllables barbed!
    starved/for it all,i know what's hap-pen-nin
    worked at MCDONALD'S ,quit once,now i'm back-again
    grab a pad and pen/laugh when my raps begin
    i been collapsin men committin the most 'massive sins"
    slashin grins/under chins every time that i rhyme it
    to "LOSE YOURSELF IN A MOMENT" ya gotta find and design it!
    grab on with both fists cause LIFE's a "two-timing trick"
    flippin those who's "rhyming slick"and make em "hoo ride a dick"
    my 9 to 5 ain't providin these bills steadily pilin
    my college life is causin strife i wonder what the hell i've been
    doin/no time for broodin or despair soul-pollutin
    verbally shootin like a camera after the LA riots lootin
    transmutin/lead to gold or words i told to platinum
    packed magnificent raps like infinite gats to cap men
    snap pens/with charged volts sharp bolts thru scarred throats
    disarmin and harmin kids with "arson spits" that charred folks
    hard quotes/eruption punches causin concussions
    emotions bustin like Glocks dumpin,pen and pad is conductin
    verses to disperse wits and hearse kids my blurbs hit
    gimme a track my raps'll crack it,gimme a battle i'll merk it!
    verbs split/ya open right down to the spirit
    Spray frees like flame from Hades transmitted thru lyrics!!
    Can you hear in Heaven Dee-dee all these prayers that I send you?
    Remember I promised at your grave that one day I'd avenge you?
    Those weren't empty words; that's an oath from my soul I served to you
    I busted shots n crushed the tops of the corrupted cops who murdered you
    Remember those bastards skated when we cried the alarm?
    Remember they're the reason you, Dee-dee, died in my arms?
    Remember they laughed at you before they let their guns blast off?
    That's why I said:"this is for Dee-dee" before I blew their fuckin hats off!!
    No more corruption on the streets they're supposed tuh protect
    No more bruthas gettin murdered when they toasted the Tek
    No more parents losing their kids to you and your warring kind
    And no more children cursed by you with my Storming Eyes* ...
    ...Cuz that's WHAT HAPPENS when you grab the mic and flo from the heart
    BUST RAPPIN that like Mac-10s blow holes in the charts
    Slow in the start/but you get quick with the pick up
    Crowds erupt and git lit up as you start servin ya spit up
    Flipped cuts with double hemispheric appeal
    Deliver the skill combined with the Spirit of Real
    Here is the deal: Be true to the artist within
    lose touch just once and it ALL COULD END
    They're ALL your friend until the REAL pressure is on
    Conjecture is on...is Deth the lessuh professor of psalms?
    My fresher lecture is strong; life is a swamp or a jungle
    You're gonna stumble and tumble but can you come back and rumble?
    Leave your foes in a jumble,reduce their roars to a mumble
    Be fiercely proud in your heart and yet impartial n humble
    mix up styles like gumbo/find your voice and speak
    connect to rhythms and beats,unleash the speech that's unique
    stare in the mirror of your soul you might grasp the key
    i ask of thee...on my knees:"Lord, am I he?
    Oh God,can I be...
    THE ILLEST IMMORTAL ILLUMINATI?"





    These were excerpts. Hope they were cohesive enough to tell more of a full story, as I left out more than half of the verse in the interest of brevity.

    *PLEASE READ THIS POEM OF MINE CALLED 'STORMING EYES PT. 2' TO GRASP THE ' DEE-DEE' REFERENCES...http://board.rapmusic.com/poetry-realm/1262154-storming-eyes-p-1-section-1-a.html#post1068021294

    .
    test
  5. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    76,201
    Deth...read the fuckin rules. You can't go over 64 lines. And no recycling.

    Dq'd.
    test
  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    breath- smooth flow and really good string of ideas that held up an enjoyable narration...nice skit here. The short length was perfect for this. Sometimes people want to over kill it and go on and on and on...like your oppent this week.

    One thing: well a major thing

    Being ignorantly indifferent is quite different from my intricacies
    I haven't seen things visually since I lifted lids off the inner most me
    Vim and vigor both flee with this sinner's ghost, free
    At last, but if figure that it won't be the last, see
    I've passed the repeating cycles I had masked from the past mes
    At last, I think its finalized, no more askin' "could that be?"


    This opening is all about you....it's unrelated to the narrative in all the lines that proceed it. It really don't fit...Change this to be more relevant to the other 2/3 and it would blow up.

    Even though you took the easy way and described the so called 'black' man the way every European Gentile would, it was still kinda fresh.

    VOTW.



    Death - bro. com on man! SICK FLOW. TOO MUCH BLOWIN YOUR OWN HORN. YOU AINT AN IDOL, nor do you want to be one...WOE to the man that provokes YHWH to anger. HAVE MERCY FATHER!!!


    v- breath
    test
  7. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,600
    Thank you coup, but the first part wasn't really about me personally, I figured it would go unnoticed, but there's a guy in the background, sitting on the stoop, this was meant to be a first person tense from his pov
    test
  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    yeah, that guy in the back ground will not be noticed by the eye unless you say something and point it out...lol no wonder it flew over my head.
    test
  9. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    breath:
    i'm going to disagree with coup a little here (but we can still be friends). i never put much weight into flow in general, but it was a little off in certain areas. (atleast the way i read it, but that's the trouble with judging flow in writtens..) however, i DID catch that you were going from the perspective of the guy in the background.

    i did get the feeling that you tried to do a little too much in the beginning though. the second half of your verse read and felt alot more natural.

    "Being ignorantly indifferent is quite different from my intricacies
    I haven't seen things visually since I lifted lids off the inner most me"

    ^ with the rest of your piece in mind, this opening feels really out of place. a simpler wording would have taken you alot further imo. That's relative to this piece though, in another piece, this could have been a perfect fit.

    overall, this piece was short, sweet, and carried out its intended purpose pretty well. i'm fairly sure you would have won this one even if Deth was not dq'd
    You show alot of potential, and i've seen flashes of brilliance.. i think more than anything it's just you beating yourself [insert masturbation joke here]

    Deth: i'll give you critiques after you take a few minutes to read the rules.. this isn't the first time you've been in violation of something

    vote: breath
    test
  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Breath - This was nice and to the point. You did well with the topic and although the lines were pretty simple, it didn't really need much more than this to get your point across. Although next week im hoping for more of a showing for you opponent so you get some real action but still a nice little read

    V/ Breath
    test
  11. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    I'm going to make this quick considering this match's outcome is already clear and I've already told deth how I felt after I read the piece in it's entirety.

    breath - real talk - this is an improvement. the syllable count was obviously considered along with the entire length of your piece.with each person reading a bar as if it's the amount of time a person has to speak in one breath, a bar's syllable count is more important than I like to admit. to impove? it's a requirement.. good thing this vote is not being counted, I don't see anything wrong besides one abbreviation.

    deth - over all, with everything in your links included, this is the most powerful piece I've read on RM. period. it really GOT ME. you know.. I told you. it got me, really ..
    Thank you for putting this all out to the community.
    but, alone, it was entirely to much like a battle verse. you spoke of yourself too much, I don't think your going to win in the future by speaking about yourself when writing a piece in the RSTL. if you had left out the self glorification and stuck to the story at hand you would have made a stronger point and taken the victory.
    test
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