[Week 11] [Contender] 3. Got Life?(3-1) vs 4. Nu'maaN(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Nov 1, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    hello sunshine.
    test
  3. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

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    test
  4. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

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    a lioness's lament.

    silent stares and violent glares, give birth to cold whispers,
    my soul's kissed the old lips of grim reaper's sole sister.
    more sinister than ministers touching innocence of children,
    so i killed them, one by one, via minions i will them.
    in millions .. they follow every whisper i breathe,
    coz you pissed off the weak little sister in me.
    her youthful joy you destroyed, snatched away young dreams,
    hope she's happy in the skies, old and grey amongst queens.
    still it hasn't sunk in, so let's discuss some things,
    .. i please disgusting pricks, in my hunt for bling.
    .. suck dick, fuck quick, time ticks another tock,
    taking dirty dollar bills, just to lick another cock.
    labeled a filthy slut, but they pay me well,
    and the rush of the kill simply bades me swell.
    my final day in hell, i want to be carried in a chariot,
    imagining the pretty things, while my scavengers are having it.
    they're savages, feasting on the flesh of the wicked,
    all my clients end up dead, livid after i let them hit it.
    but no longer with it, traveled tiring drastic measures,
    in need of something permanent, fuck the plastic treasures.

    i take feathers off my wings, to author my final chapter,
    in my book of life, i've slaughtered with such viral laughter.
    yeah i robbed their breath and hijacked their life,
    don't give a flying fuck about death, while i'm high in flight.
    with weightless wings, asleep within the grace of winds,
    where ancient kings, shake hands with my faceless kin.
    .. it takes me in, i believe this will erase my sins,
    fuck what fate will bring, i'll tell you how this hate begins.
    lost within, a maze - amazed at the world's offerings,
    i'm often in, toxicated - i should've let my offsprings in.
    now my womb is a tomb, because i couldn't afford it,
    aborted, i wander whose eyes it would've been born with.
    the world only saw mine, until the twin towers fell,
    perceptions changed, can't wait to see cowards shower hell.
    now well, my jihad's my hijab, in my job everyday,
    then the news of my sister left me scarred, i never prayed.
    may the heavens send curses upon who bullied the teen,
    hung herself in fear, ever since i've been pulling out spleens.
    fulfilling my dreams now, got tired of the nightmares,
    got fired coz my rights there grow quiet, so i write here.

    in the name of the almighty, i solemnly swear,
    i slaughtered every single being who dared to violently stare.
    coz that's the same look you fickle minds, gave to my sister,
    bigot crimes after time took their toll, i gravely miss her.
    please forgive her, ya Allah, i'll bare her major sin,
    by taking my own, not even earth can fucking cage me in.
    and all the rage within? i traded for souls of the filthy,
    dress like hoes, and you're pretty. cover up? pretty shifty.
    coz i know that look you give when you can only see my eyes,
    we're not oppressed or depressed, else you'd see us sisters cry.
    so why, must i try, to get by, in a society,
    that sees me as a threat to their lives? so at night i creep.
    unveil myself, to darker dwellings of the city,
    clients telling me i'm pretty, stroll through hell without a pity.
    .. no shame .. just pain .. must rain .. tonight,
    never seen the clouds so grim, my grin tastes the knife.
    such a waste of life, my smirk tucks a little teeth,
    coz you birthed a demon, when you fucked the middle east.
    my heart finds little ease, in the way you've depicted me,
    need more than a thousand words for how you pictured me*.
    final scripture, we, are mothers, wives and children,
    but you think we grow wings, just to fly into buildings?


    * this (below) is the way you lot have pictured me. btw, jihad = struggle. hijab = scarf.

    [​IMG]

    may the better writer win ...

    [turn] ...
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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Nu, I totally spaced, you cool if I still post?

    votes here:

    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
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  6. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
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    all good.

    take your time ...

    [turn] ...
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
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    13,681


    [​IMG]

    She was a stargazing day dreamer,
    Trapped; phasing decay turning leaner,
    As cancer ate the meat off her bones,
    Yet there was no defeat in the tones-
    Of her voice as she spoke to her lover,
    Hoping he wouldn’t poke and discover-
    The means to an end of her rejoice,
    For when Allison had heard his voice-
    Life seemed to fill with hope and repair,
    And she could only cope with despair,
    While knowing that he was still there,
    It was something within his stare,
    Or the simple fact that he did truly care,
    Laughing together, that unruly pair,
    They seemed forever lost in each other,
    Until he called and got Allison’s mother.

    She spoke with a mother’s hesitation,
    The impatient waiting as conversation-
    Simply did not move quickly enough,
    Predicting this as some sickly little bluff,
    For who was on the end of the phone,
    Asking for Allison as if he hadn’t known,
    That she had died nearly a year ago,
    So puzzled she asked, and here we go.

    Jake simply couldn’t believe his ears,
    Consumed by his beleaguered fears,
    That this amazing girl he met on the net,
    Was simply a ghost, a dead silhouette,
    So he lay down in bed with a cigarette,
    Eyes fixed blankly on the television set,
    Until his eyes closed and he drifted away-
    Toward Heaven; where God lifted decay,
    And Allison lay there amidst the flowers,
    Drinking in the passion of summer showers,
    Yet as he stepped closer, the phone rang,
    And best believe, on the other end sang-
    Allison…as if nothing had changed,
    He threw the phone, feeling deranged…
    Jake, you can’t get calls from the dead,
    He’d tell himself as he tried resting his head.

    It was baffling…how much he would pace,
    Over Allison...a girl he never met face to face,
    So when the madness set in he finally called,
    Lying on the floor enthralled, simply sprawled-
    Out all over, until returning to a fetal position,
    Counting the rings on the phone transmission,
    Until she picked up and said, “Hello lover.”
    “I missed you so much beneath my cover.”
    “Can you finally come to keep me warm?”
    Jake wept, swept himself up with a storm,
    And replied, “I’ll be there on the next flight.”
    Promising her, “Everything will be alright.”

    Upon arrival he sought out her white dress,
    The blonde hair and well…just about any likeness-
    To the photos that Allison had sent him,
    And there she stood, on the outside looking in,
    So he dropped his bags and ran to kiss her,
    Only to find Allison’s brother in the clothes of his sister,
    Wearing a long blonde wig and her make up,
    Speaking with the girly voice that Jake loved...

    And so it seemed that after Allison died,
    Her brother tried to let her spirit confide-
    Through him, hoping it would keep her spirit at bay,
    Unwilling to believe that God led her astray.



    topic: ...Surprise!!
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  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    4,096
    Nu-- this is a very good mix of stark, believable imagery with rhym and its mechanics. impressive flow and nice pacing. it read well.

    The squence of events being told were a bit confusing. i had to go back some to sort it all out. But even with out a clue, the imagrey and flow were enough to blance that.
    so to me, the story was lost just a bit, and i might have missed your point.


    GL?-- I was a bit bored with yours. To me it seemed very clchie and safe. Yes, it did flow ok thourh some passages but mostly weighted down by common end ryhmes. dreamer/leaner, bones/tones, lover/discover, rejoice/voice, repair/dispare and so on and so forth. I give you props because it was well written and very consice. more imagery in relation to the happenings in this pecie could have brought more color IMO


    ---
    Nu brought energy, that's what I'm going with


    v-Numaan
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  9. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    24,097
    nu'maan- jesus christ, or shall i say for the love of Muhammad! this piece was very accomplished and poetically endowed. if i can say that <...i too have been reading this verse almost every day since you dropped it. the imagery is so strong. and the flow/multi usage was superior to your opponents.
    flow-8.9
    vocab-8
    structure-8

    favorite line:"now well, my jihad's my hijab, in my job everyday,
    then the news of my sister left me scarred, i never prayed."
    &
    "in the name of the almighty, i solemnly swear,
    i slaughtered every single being who dared to violently stare."'
    it's the poetic imagery that i liked in those lines.
    **oh and i think you mispelled wonder, as wander ^??**

    GotLife?- your trash, your whole verse is boring, your may have a great understanding of sentence structure word placement and story telling formula's but you fucking suck as a rhymer. okay i take that back your not trash and your verse wasn't boring but
    god damn your rhymes were fucking more basic then Dr. Suez [sp*]
    but honestly you impressed me with your storyline, regarding the picture. you incorporated a lot of imagery and that may have made up for your rhymage..

    favorite line:
    "Jake simply couldn’t believe his ears,
    Consumed by his beleaguered fears,
    That this amazing girl he met on the net,
    Was simply a ghost, a dead silhouette"

    flow-8
    vocab-8
    structure-9

    vote=Nu'maan

    although gotlife had better mechanical aspects to his verse Nu'maan had to offer much more energy and poetic imagery into his verse that was intoxicating.
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Nu - holy shit. the "you birthed a demon when you fucked the middle east" and "but you think we grow wings, just to fly into buildings?" were two of the best lines i've ever seen. holy shit. you fuckin killed this verse, dude. the imagery, the detail, the story, the flow. it was all impeccable dude. i cant find anything to knock, even trying to knit pick. great verse.

    GL? - i've read this verse before. you may or may not have changed the names, i dont remember that much, but i know i've read this, and im about 99% it was from you. everything about the story was similar. calling and finding out the girl had died. the part about the brother "carrying on her spirit". ive read this all before, and i really have nothing to say about this critique wise.

    vote- Nu
    test
  11. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    12,377
    Nu

    my soul's kissed the old lips of grim reaper's sole sister.
    more sinister than ministers touching innocence of children,


    Awesome flow, imagery.

    still it hasn't sunk in, so let's discuss some things,
    .. i please disgusting pricks, in my hunt for bling.
    .. suck dick, fuck quick, time ticks another tock,
    taking dirty dollar bills, just to lick another cock.
    labeled a filthy slut, but they pay me well,
    and the rush of the kill simply bades me swell.
    my final day in hell, i want to be carried in a chariot,
    imagining the pretty things, while my scavengers are having it.
    they're savages, feasting on the flesh of the wicked,
    all my clients end up dead, livid after i let them hit it.
    but no longer with it, traveled tiring drastic measures,
    in need of something permanent, fuck the plastic treasures.


    the rhyme scheme was choppy, didn't flow as well, and also the way you painted the lifestyle of a whore that kills her clients was unimaginative and basic. Combine it with the vulgar nature, cliche descriptions and its an unappealing passage. After a strong start your verse cools off.

    i take feathers off my wings, to author my final chapter,

    slick line! I love it.

    Your flow is great, lively and creative. Story idea in relation to the picture was a good idea and captured it well. Great bursts of imagery and emotion.

    But I hated the character. Disliked the narration. It reminds me of someone who is sick, then they decide to make everyone else sick because of it.

    You depicted the anger and hate manifested well, but other than that your character and story was a long flat rant with pretty wordplay a few lines that popped. Also at the end you want sympathy but the character doesn't earn it, shows no remorse for her action. You didn't show goodness in you character, just proved she deserved the scorn? In a way you justified the prejudice with her actions.

    In my observation you accomplished the opposite of what you intended to do.
    You tried to justify her acts of evil because evil was visited upon her?

    Content wise it was miserable piece of good writing.

    GL
    It was something within his stare,
    Or the simple fact that he did truly care,


    Up until this line your verse was very mundane, but your talent here manifests. Those two lines speak volumes, to those of us who have been under that type of stare or unconditional love.

    So puzzled she asked, and here we go.
    And best believe, on the other end sang-


    You conflict yourself here with lines like this. The narration for the whole is a bit aloof and formal, but then you have these and it's off.

    Upon arrival he sought out her white dress,
    The blonde hair and well…just about any likeness-
    To the photos that Allison had sent him,
    And there she stood, on the outside looking in,
    So he dropped his bags and ran to kiss her,
    Only to find Allison’s brother in the clothes of his sister,
    Wearing a long blonde wig and her make up,
    Speaking with the girly voice that Jake loved...
    And so it seemed that after Allison died,
    Her brother tried to let her spirit confide-
    Through him, hoping it would keep her spirit at bay,
    Unwilling to believe that God led her astray.


    Lol! Man, that's terrible. I mean a terrible surprise. It's a twist, a bit lame, but you did a nice job of disguising it and yea, for the topic of surprise you hit it.

    This verse was a not that entertaining because of the vocabulary and flow. You didn't do a lot creatively when it came to both aspects, but as a story it developed well and did enough to justify the surprise ending.

    It lacked pizazz. When there was opportunity to flavor the story with emotion or rhythm you didn't. So the end product was a bit stoic and mildly humorous at the end. More development over the guys anguish over losing his internet love and then subsequent discovery that his love came back, and then it ended up being her brother..maybe throw in his reaction and outrage, and the brothers reasons... imagine if they got together!? That might have been a better focus for your story, instead of those opening two three stanza's where you were describing a dead person...you set up openings, but didn't throw punches.

    Vote - Nu
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  12. Murderous Keys

    Murderous Keys All's well that ends

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    Nu You had many quotable lines in your verse that had the WOW Factor and usually when reads have those the actual story is lame where they just threw in a few
    clever lines and hope that what the reader judges off of, but, in your case not only did
    you have the clever lines, your flow was great, vocab was great, wording and word placement was great and most of all the story was great, easily the best verse of the week perhaps the best of the season so for. Excellent Job.
    I'm not going to quote any of my Favorite lines as it's pretty much the whole verse.

    GL? Good read, Vocab was good, flow was good and the basics you did well, but the story itself seemed simple, although the ending twist was clever and creative other than that it seems bland, still a good verse but I wasn't too Intrigued by the story

    Vote Nu - Not because GL?'s verse wasn't good, but Nu's Verse was just very well
    done.
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  13. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

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    gl - not my favourite piece of yours i've ever read. it read fine but wasn't exciting on any level. fulfilled basic mechanic needs but apart from that, pretty lacklustre. not much else i can really say to be honest. it was ok.

    nu - shit piece tbh. the flow and wording was alright and i can see that you're desperate to face me. so i may just sign out. up yours you aussie cunt. anyway, back to the verse, not much to say that hasnt already been mentioned. good shit bruh bruh.

    vote - nu.
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Nu - Wow......unbelievable verse here. This was simply incredible. The imagery was superb. I not only saw what you saw but felt it. Impressive use of your rhymes and vocab. I loved the direction of this story and couldn't have anything wrong with this story. Amazing.


    Fave Line -
    ".. it takes me in, i believe this will erase my sins,
    fuck what fate will bring, i'll tell you how this hate begins.
    lost within, a maze - amazed at the world's offerings,
    i'm often in, toxicated - i should've let my offsprings in."


    GL? - Good story. The flow was solid and on point. The rhymes were ok but the vocab was good. The story was nice and smooth and had a solid delivery. I enjoyed this story and thought it was pretty refreshing and enjoyable read.


    Fave line -
    "She spoke with a mother’s hesitation,
    The impatient waiting as conversation-
    Simply did not move quickly enough,
    Predicting this as some sickly little bluff,"


    Overall a solid matchup. Both writer wrote great verses that were mechanically sound. However, this matchup came down to story. Although GL had a great story, Nu's story was more captivation and had a 'WOW' factor...


    V/ Nu'
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  15. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Nu up 7 to -4
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  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Nu wins 7 to -4
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