[Week 11] [Contender] 3. DethStryque(1-0) vs 4. TheInkwell(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 27, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008


    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
  2. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    May 6, 2011
  3. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Oct 8, 2008
    Just saw this. Whaddup Ink. Won't be back until late tomorrow night. Gonna have to key it up again but I won't flake on this battle. Prolly get here with only a hour to write.
  4. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    May 6, 2011
    A Childrens Picture Book

    There’s a picture book of a nameless monster in green
    That took the names of people in exchange for petty things
    A fruitful garden, strength, money, and other dreams
    He’d dwell inside of them until he caved to his hungerings
    Gobble, gobble. Gulp. The monster swallowed them whole
    And searched for another host who longed for control
    “’Give me your name, give me your name!’ He’d exclaim”
    They’ll forsake their name, for the sake of any gain…

    The youngest of three, bottom rung of the ladder
    Promised me attention, much more than my brothers
    “OK” I agreed, what’s the worst that could happen
    ‘Cause what is a name that knows no recognition
    “Close your eyes, open wide…” and it hopped inside
    Like an eel, slithered down, and I feel so alive
    A shiver down my spine, and my hair stands on end
    Then relaxes like toxins began seeping in
    Father watch me dance, and Father watch me sing
    Father watch me fight with my stones and this sling
    And he claps and adores, my brothers are forlorn
    Soon I’ll sit at the throne with my head, crown adorned
    “But I hunger for flesh, feel my stomachs unrest
    Yet a beautiful name, such a waste to ingest”

    The monster says to me and begins to pull strings
    It’s like puppetry, my limbs move to his calling
    First are my brothers, and now it’s my Father
    He turns to a beggar, as I raise this dagger
    Drive it through his shell, and steer him into Hell
    Jagged cuts now spew blood, disgusted at myself
    The monster is he, but the monster is me
    Yet, if my name is his, then I’m no longer being
    I gobble and gobble and gulp down their corpses
    Well he does, and I watch, but I do the actions

    Look how big it has grown, the monster inside me
    I’ve conquered these frail beings that once stood and rallied
    Against he as proud kings, delicious, digesting
    Gobbling, gobbling, gulping, still hungry
    What a wonderful name, he whispers it to me
    “Johan… Johan… Johan… my beauty”
    I watch and I scream, he manipulates strings
    He begs me to stop as I eat everything
    And I’m hungry for blood and I delight in terror
    Their eyes when they cry as I play the grim reaper
    He gobbles and gobbles and gulps down their corpses
    Well I do, he watches, but he does the actions
  5. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Oct 8, 2008
    Broke but not broken




    Yo I'm here. Starting to key now...

    My blood roars and broils. My hidden fury hit a soarin boil
    It's been a hundred years that we've been forced to toil on foreign soil
    I smiled inwardly at visions of Massa's grill chopped open
    That's when the whip cracked n left my skin Broke...
    ...but my will is Not Broken

    For two winters I blew embers on my plans to cause em awesome strife
    Now after two years I'm bringing these dudes' fears to raucus life
    This is for my father who first fought this fight and N'dubisi who lost his wife
    I avenged them when I killed the Overseer with Father's tossing knife!!
    Choked a slavehunter frosting white,got keys from his coat n
    Freed the slaves from their chains. In their eyes? Seas of flames...
    ...for while some of their limbs were Broke? They were Not Broken

    On stealthy panther's paws we crept toward Massa's big crib
    Swear tuh God! When I catch his ass I'm uh smash his wigged lid
    Zigged n slid up from the shadow blackened mansion backside
    We'd literally catch em nappin then snap n crack their hats wide
    The plan? The House Negros unlock the door and we zipper them
    But the door was LOCKED. From the bushes came riding out trigger men
    Damn! We'd been set up by trifling House N.i.g.g.a.s n
    Had to fight the whole countryside's White militia men
    Half came on horseback waving shotguns and torch racks
    We're forced back. I thought:"I'm uh get that House Nigga scorched black!"
    But I'm the sort that resorts back tuh clever plans and preparation
    So just when it seemed that we were gripped in desperation
    I sang: O BERIMBAU and there was a detonation [ 1 ]
    O BERIMBAU! Is a war song.Capoeira's celebration of devastation
    When I planned this years ago, I was deep in meditation
    Recalling my mother hid her strength in feigned weakness and hesitation
    This attack was a presentation to distract those brace of A-holes
    So they'd get flayed by the cadre of slaves I capoeira trained in case of betrayal
    We fought the militiamen then pretended we faced defeat at last
    And sprung our trap; my capoeira warriors ignited the fertilizer that feeds the grass
    Fertilizers explode when lit; I taught them to hurl it in seething blasts
    From our flaming arrows packed with fertilizer and heating glass
    With a screaming flash we're releasing stacks of arrows at horsemen speeding past
    Swarming em when their screaming nags threw those preening fags
    Plus Capoeira stomped em n stole their whips knives guns n cleaning mags
    While reading military history in the future? Peep these facts
    Tell them the first people to invent grenades were scheming Blacks

    We blasted open the back door like raging quick gales
    Hit soldiers with explosive arrows, now it's raining entrails
    Swooped on Massa as he tried to run out the front door
    Snatched him by his fake ass wig and slammed him on the punk's floor
    "Gimme your personal papers,wax seals and gold glaives duke
    Your Winter Pictures and ledgers of who you bought and sold slaves to
    I want every scrap of your business exchanges, you abusive bastard.
    And one more thing..." I did my Sho'Nuff voice:"NOW Who's da Master?" [ 2 ]
    "There's everything you asked for, bills of sales and ledger books
    And...and...be reasonable. Have pity. You wouldn't be slaves forever, look.
    Here's the wax seals gold glaives and my valuable collection of Winter Pictures
    And who's da Master? Well that's me...no YOU, Mister N.i.g.g.e.r.!"

    "We'll find and free everyone you touched, bought and/or sold
    Except for that House Nigga who betrayed us; his ass is grass and/or mold."

    "Have mercy, don't kill me!" begged used-to-be Massa."You can flee and escape forever!"
    I turned to my lieutenant. "Put the House Nigga and Massa in The Grate together."
    My lieutenant urged: "They might survive. Let's kill them and just end this!'
    "We must be careful to not become them in our pursuit of Just Vengeance.
    We can't give in to Hate, however tempting. We know how these haters are
    How could we do good in the world if we become just like the slavers are?
    They might survive The Grate, but either way they'll serve our aim
    If they die? Our foes know we'll kill them all; if they survive? They spread our fame
    Our mission is to rescue our fellow slaves. We can't forsake them
    Their chains of slavery are Not Broken...so we must break them."

    1. Olodum- Berimbau(Hip-Hop Remix) with Various Capoeira Clips - YouTube

    2. Baddest Fight Scenes EVER! - The Last Dragon - YouTube

    You guys wanna hit the links I left, as you won't get the full flava of the story unless you read the rest to the Capoeira song O Berimbau--which is a dope joint you should like it--and that link to Sho'Nuff is funny and on point for those of you who don't know about THE LAST DRAGON
  6. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Oct 8, 2008
    votes please. thanks
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
    Ink - First, i'd probably say to put the topic you picked somewhere so i know. Wasn't hard to figure out once i looked at the topic thread again lol. This was a very smooth read. The rhymes and the flow were solid once again. If i'd had to say something to work on, which is something small, I'd say repetitiveness. For example,

    "The monster says to me and begins to pull strings
    It’s like puppetry, my limbs move to his calling"

    The first line and the first part of the second line proved your point but the "limbs move to his calling" just reiterated what the other parts of those lines said and i felt like you could have moved one from there after the puppetry part. Other than that, a very solid showing here.

    Deth - Once again, the topic was very cool. I think the flow was good but the lines were kinda stretched in places. The one think i would say for you to work on it saying what you need to say with less. For example,

    ""Have mercy, don't kill me!" begged used-to-be Massa."You can flee and escape forever!""

    That line is pretty long but if you gave the used-to-be Massa a name, you could have made this work better.

    "Have mercy, don't kill me!" begged Toby."You can flee and escape forever!"

    This also helps the reader develop a relationship with characters in your story. This would really make your work hard to beat because readers love connecting with something or reading about something they can relate to. You just have to make it easy for the reader to follow, which means, keep the lines from dragging on. You provide a lot of detail which paints a great picture, just make sure you don't over do it or provide unneeded detail. Solid story

    Overall this was a matchup filled with great stories but ultimately came down to which story was delivered better, which was Ink. Deth is a very creative writer, he just needs to translate that to a clearer delivery. Great jobs guys!

    V/ Ink
  8. Hawhk2e

    Hawhk2e New Member

    Mar 22, 2012
    Not sure how to vote but here goes:

    TheInkwell, i thought your lyrics were pretty good. I dont think I got a clear understanding of your direction with this story but it read sort of like a medieval fairy tale. I like your meter and the way you repeated some words and phrases here and there, but for me, It didnt really keep my attention. I think it was dry in some places and could have used a bit more excitement. Was this story a metaphore I may have missed? I think your technical skill is great and combined well with your images here and there but yeah, i wanted to see more gruesome imagery. You are the grim reaper right?!

    DethStryque, this was really good. I love how you wrote from the perspective of an actual slave. I think that upped the level of difficulty in your verse by actually having to use that southern slave accent in your wording and make it rhyme and fit the story at the same time. That was really good, but your story was everywhere bro. First of all, was this story meant to be in the present time? because slaves in brazil who used Capoeira as a means of communicating and war did not speak like the slaves in southern America spoke(which is the accent you used.) And obviously your verse was about a slave revolt in Brazil. Second of all, why did you use Shonuff from The Last Dragon? That didnt make any sense at all because your verse is about a Brazilian slave revolt which would have historically happened hundreds and hundreds of years before the movie Last Dragon came into existence! So your use of Brazil,The Last Dragon, and a southern american slave accent had absolutely nothing to do with each other. Did you do that on purpose to create your own story or...what?

    Although I wasnt really feeling Theinkwells story as it didnt do enough for me, I think TheInkwell will get my vote for being more solid. If Dethstryque would have had his facts straight, his verse could have easily won this in my opinion because it was a real exciting and creatively advanced constructed verse/story.

    And so my vote goes for ---Theinkwell---
  9. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Oct 8, 2008
    I did indeed use The Last Dragon on purpose. I used this metaphor because the Brazilian equivalent is too far of a stretch for USA based readers, and the punchline from Sho'Nuff saying: "WHO'S DA MASTA?" and a ex-slave demanding same from a ex-slave owner who acknowledges that the slave is DA MASTA is just too funny and appropriate and visually powerful to me. And fits the story quite well.

    You might not know this, but a Bahian accent from Brazil when spoken in English produces a similar pronounciation but different actual sound than old skool Southern African-not-quite-African-American slave accents [ I have family and friends from Bahia ]. That's why I used that phonetic approach. Fits the verse well. But I expected that more knowledgeable readers would substitute the Southern slave accent for pronounciation when reading the bars i wrote, without knowing that the accent that most produce even a century into slavery is wholly devoid of the actual rhythms of African intonation when speaking in our native tongue...that's why i wrote the bars in such a way as to still rhyme with antebellum South accents when placed in the mouths of African slaves.

    Good job yall 2-0 Ink is up.
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008
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