[Week 10] 12. ShadowWarriorfs (1-4) vs 13. Link Gash (1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by T.a.C, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    [​IMG]



    WEEK 10



    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.​
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    I'm hopped up on allergy meds and headache meds soooooo i'm loopy.......here i go

    Lyrics inspired by “Baby Feel Me” By Jagged Edge

    Serene Nightmares

    I’m alive, uneasy, and my soul is still weak
    A goal I seek, to find the words my lungs can no longer speak
    This world is too much, everything withers away after my touch
    Serenity is my lust, as I close my eyes, hoping to dream of such
    Reality escaping my clutch, is this only a test?


    Warm breath, with a chill of a gentle breeze
    Sworn death, upon the spill of an ample sneeze
    Thorns blessed, leaving thrills upon my rambling knees
    Gambling tree, remove oxygen, leaving me grasping knees
    Aspen leaves like the source of my nightmarish dreams
    Lights dare us to scream, as my ink is frightened of the paper
    Eyes shut, senses deaden, my mind becomes one with nature
    Tears fall, knees shake, as my wrists shun this razor
    Demonic is my behavior; blaming Satan as the reason I was cost His favor
    Branches crossed the savior as I realize pain, is my lost neighbor
    Bring me death! my breath, is the reason I have left
    Rings of theft ask snipers to pierce my crest, but just leave the rest
    To me,
    My mind and my heart have declared a violent mutiny
    You sent for me, God, I’m exhausted and yet you are reb***ng me*?
    I’m the root of Eve, asking the devil if there is any room for me

    Heartbeat excited, someone wake me, my fleets divided
    But I live, it’s peaceful here, no one notices my shut eyelid
    I can breathe, despite the agony, my body, is no longer heavy
    I’m ready, for what the world has, my focus is now steady...​

    No idea how listening to that song got me this verse....but yea

    *reb-u-k-ing me
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  3. Link Gash

    Link Gash that ninja

    Joined:
    May 8, 2009
    Messages:
    60,937
    VENGEANCE IN IT'S COLDEST FORM


    from the darkest heartless, our dearly departed
    i spit on your grave and engrave my name on your carcass
    re-write this verse on the head of your tomb, crone tunes
    that send chills down your spine and go through you like prunes
    kerosene and gasoline gets substituted for embalming fluid
    from the darkness appear four darkly dressed men in garbs like druids
    walking slowly through the masses, with an acetylene torch unflask it
    i command cremation, now set fire to the bastard in the casket
    embellish in the wake of your desire, trying to relish the hellish fire
    surrounded by psychotic spirituals hummed by a ghostly attired choir
    faces of tears run the makeup and mascara, the night fills with terror
    as the air of evil and hatred surrounds the pall bearers



    i read from the book of the dead re-wrote with satan's own illustrations
    all your enemies pour acid on your brow for libations
    the minister administers the reading of the your last rights
    a dark cloud forms then lightening cracks over your gravesite
    no vegetation in site the land is baron and famished
    a burning cross streaks across the sky and in a flash it vanishes
    the stench of your burning flesh attracts the gathering of feasting rats
    from the ground decaying hands reach through the cracks
    the wind howls harshly the keen ear can hear a scream of anguish
    as the language of the saintly drifts away then languish


    evil spirits congregate in the darkness to raise hell and frolic
    as your burnt wounds get stuffed with peels from garlic
    worms burrow in your skull making holes big enough to put a finger in
    then i pour in ammonia while your burnt flesh is still lingering
    a single file of mourners in shock stand up and take a step forward
    as your rotted burnt casket is picked up and then lowered
    unto the cold of the earth as the decayed hands pull your remains down
    a deacon whips his dick out and pisses on your secrete grounds
    a single dead black rose is tossed in your grave and it withers
    put my picture on this site with the words, "Link Gash did this to this nigga"
    the dirt hitting the casket thuds like the thunder rumbling
    all in attendance fall quiet and no one says a thing
    then all silently walk away as his grave is overcome by my shadow
    then a thought occurs, "was all this worth you running your mouth?"

    test
  4. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2006
    Messages:
    480
    ShadowWarriorfs - back to simple schemes again. You can do better than that, I've seen it. Do you have a lack of time at the moment? Neverthless the flow was there and on point, everything read fairly smoothly. However your story development was poor, wording was basic and awkward this week, none of it really shone, couldn't pick out any favourite Shadow lines this time, you had a very "loose" kind of idea and didn't bother building upon it. From how I perceive it this guy thinks that nothing goes right for him in this world so detaches himself from reality and creates "serene nightmares" during the mid part he tackled with his coflicts and then realises he now has the confidence to deal with the pain of the world. You had metaphors in there and poetic devices buut they weren't developed enough for me to appreciate it.

    Link Gash - not a bad showing, not your best, but I think you have the victory here. The rhyme scheme was good, and I read the whole thing smoothly - mechanics were basic to your usual standard tho, but I feel your wording has improved now, and your making a lot more sense, and painting some good imagery. The imagery was probably the most powerful part of your verse: e.g. "engrave my name on your carcass" and "a dark cloud forms the lightning cracks over your gravesite" (could have changed the word cracks to strikes tho - just for some inner multies) and "a single black rose is tossed on your grave and it withers" - so yeah 2 points that you can take away from this is your wording and imagery was good this week. However it was not a good ending at all, rather weak IMO. How did they run their mouth, and you could have delved in to the concept of why you actually killed him? What did he do to actually make you feel that enraged? etc. etc..

    v - Link Gash
    test
  5. hYpOconDriAdIcT

    hYpOconDriAdIcT New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    839
    cool battle guys.. lemme break this down...

    Shadow:
    jagged edge? lol well i dont think this was a bad showing.. id say u had good vocab.. good imagery.. but poor rhyme schemes... and poor story developement. my biggest problem was that the story itself.. nuthin about it really grabbed my attention.. id say average overall performance.

    Link:
    Not too bad... I myself like violent pieces and this certaintly was just that.. id say it had average vocab.. good imagery.. good rhyme schemes... good violence and a below average story. the fact that u never really explained why u hated this man sooo much in greater detail then just sayin 'he ran his mouth' really hurt u here.. if u would have matched the violence and hate u had for him with something he did equally bad to you to make u seek the revenge in the first place it woulda made ur story a lot more complete.

    I'm gonna give it to Link.. even tho i didnt like the ending i felt overall he did a better job.

    Vote - Link Gash
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  6. -Fac3-

    -Fac3- Will punch the shit out u

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2009
    Messages:
    1,343
    Shadow - lol @ Jagged edge, anyway man, Use more syllables when you ryhme. Otherwise, it just makes to simple and sometimes can throw off the flow man. As for the story itself, it was ok. It didn't progress the way it should and truthfully man I wasn't feeling it this week. Keep at it though, and take your time man...Really think it out next week and use multi syllable ryhmes and multis....

    Link - Everything was strong in this piece imo. Definately a darker showing than last week. lol. Although the ending wasn't the best imo. I seen what you were going for, but I think you could of came into it a little better. Still a good showing though.

    Vote - Link
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  7. Atreyu

    Atreyu New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2003
    Messages:
    6,284
    Whats with all the grim satanism? Anyway.

    Shadow-you had a good showing. The story itself was decent. I think the development and flow were a tad shakey. I do however believe that your vocab made the story interesting and that was your only interesting factor.

    Link-a decent showing. I liked your allusions and descritions. The flow was there occasionally and stretched most of the time but your development was ok
    I wouldve liked to see a little less filler and more straight to the point development.

    Overall,
    Link wins because he simply outwrote shadow this round with more substance.
    test
  8. liquid`acid

    liquid`acid gods busy can I help you?

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2005
    Messages:
    13,603
    shadow:
    haha you too huh? you using some simple vocab an rhyme schemes this week (but me too lol). you did have a lot of good stuff in there but i felt like it was sprinkled around lesser writing to try an hide it

    this knees/kness line up isnt great, woulda worked alright had you done somthing better then rambling/gasping preceding it

    i think you maybe shoulda put a lil more into this, made it longer to explain more. basically im not entirely sure where you were goin with this or what your were tryna do, it doesnt seem like the type of piece is just a simple entertaining read. however it does read really well, by that i mean intended flow is easy to catch an you hold it throughout.



    link:
    damn man, crazy starting lines verse would be insane if you had kept up the multis an internals throughout it almost seem like you just left off the internals entirely after an i think it ended up hurting your piece a bit.

    put my picture on this site with the words, "Link Gash did this to this nigga"

    this line and your very last one i also feel kinda detracted from your writing quite a bit
    but that partly stems form my distaste for people mentioning there SN in there verse

    your story telling an imagery were really well done and up to the standard im developing for you lol. an yer rhymes are really well done, just gotta sprinkle in some more internal rhyming

    vote = link
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  9. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2000
    Messages:
    23,196
    Shadow - Story was not bad. Looks like youre gettin more natural with your flow, just keep practicing and youll be killin it on accident eventually. I like the internal rhyme schemes that you threw into it. Just keep your head up, keep goin at it as hard as you know an Im sure youll come into your own very soon.

    Link - Pretty slick verse. I was feelin the imagery, flow was on point. You could have done alot more with this story, Im sure, but it was still cool, you should expiriment with some different crazy writing voices and see if that doesnt jump off a whole new stage of development

    Shadow came with a pretty decent verse, both couldve done some more expansive content with their verses, but both stories were still pretty imaginitive an entertaining, Shadows flow was kinda rough but it was very decent though, just work on your wording to emphasise your point an smooth out the read, Links rhyme schemes were pretty mean, too though, I gotta give it to Link

    Vote - Link
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