[Week 1] the omega man vs xX_Nasty_Xx

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Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
AIM NAMES
T.a.C- thedude8125
ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
​

Checking in,

Votes:

http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-.../1311895-week-1-breathless-vs-coup-detat.html

http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...ue/1311889-week-1-shadowwarriorfs-vs-t-c.html

http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...1311894-week-1-insanevillian-vs-j-keeper.html

*note the character named Keviyon is pronounced Kevy-yaw. It's French*





The True Story of Guacamahla

Since a chap I’ve been fond of ghost tales in front the camp fire
Keviyon in damp attire would tell us of a werewolf and a vampire
And a crumb of spirits and psychos mixed in with our jambalaya
But we’d gnaw our index finger raw when he’d talk of grumpy pirates
And as the fading flame bisected his crusty guise
And as children we’d polish the lethargy out of our rusty eyes
And we’d fight and strive to stay alive under the dusky skies
He’d begin to tell a local truth of a man, or was he…..lies
The aroma of Jack and Soma waltzed his tongue
And he’d begin to hum, the scariest interlude, to that song he sung:

“♫ ♪Guacamahla, was once a young boy just like you
Except his foot could fit in twice your shoes
His head grew like a pear where inside it bruised
Seven feet tall in the 4th grade, kids did not like this dude
And, for him, no matter the path it was always: ‘which plight to choose?’
He didn’t like the news, he didn’t like TV like I and Yous
He longed to be alone, to seclude as his height accrues
The children found him once, at church, behind the pews
What they did find amused, but only after the consternation bid its fine adieus
Grasping in each hand snakes dangled and writhed as he’d bite the twos
Their rattlers fought but had no more fight to use
And his handsome audience….shined….enthused
Their rifle finger tips fired shots at his eyes confused
And what they did not know then is that they’d light the fuse
That would spark him to hide for the rest of his days behind the schools
And sleep at night with shrews at the old snake farm down 3192
I met him once, fed him snakes and a dead baby likely 2
He promised that if I needed his help he’d come rightly through
But I should keep him informed of any children, with my snakebite kazoo ♪♫”

Then he’d play his frightful tune…..♩♩♪♫♪ ♩♩♪♫♪

The 3rd time I heard this story I jostled to my feet
Pointed my finger at Keviyon and said, “Kevin! Why do you lie to me?!”
“I can see that you’re drunk. I’ve heard this story too much.
Scaring my younger cousins makes you happy…you…you…stupid fuck!”

Just then, his eyeballs protruded and I felt a certain danger
As he appeared to leer with a mass of loathsome anger
The embers of the dying fire left a soft orange stain on his left side and darkness on his right
So when he clenched tight around my scrawny wrist, I could hardly risk flight
His dirty hand was a prisoner’s shackles that I could not escape
And when I realized my fate he dragged me to the edge of our fence near the gate
We trekked for no more than a minute or so through the dried swamp
Each limb in our path, Keviyon would break down and in the ground he would stomp
He sat me down near a dead thicket on a bed of fallen leaves
And began to play on his kazoo that song bereaved...
♩♩♪♫♪ ♩♩♪♫♪

His melody lulled by a crepitating in the near distance
And he stood meditating for a sheer instance
then abruptly touched me, gravitating persistence
I shot up, abashed myself…bewilderment…a mere hindrance

Who would’ve thunked the crackling of leaves could knock like subwoofer?
I was trembling in my shoes, but Keviyon was calm in his drunk stupor

He said, “C’mon Guacamahla! I done got you a kid!”
And out from behind a silhouette of leafless twigs
Ruptured a monstrosity…an animal…head could touch the rim
It’s powerful limbs showed a remembrance of the gym
And its odor was of stunted brim
Slowly it approached me but Keviyon stood in front of him

Conscience had diluted his inebriety
and Keviyon was set to fight alongside of me

“Don’t worry Garry! I won’t let him hurt you!”

The overgrown humanoid animality took heed
A lion was trapped in its vocal chords, and so was a sheep
Especially when Keviyon jerked his blade out of its sheath
And pounced on the creature with no fear of its sharp teeth

I turned away…I ran…I sprinted…I got the fuck out of sight
Went to my room and over my head pulled the blanket so tight
The war continued in the background, but I knew nothing of the fight
And, all I remember is at dawn I witnessed Keviyon leaving on his bike

♩♩♪♫♪ ♩♩♪♫♪

first off... i really like your vocab.... and you are a talented writer.... id like to see you incorporate more rhyme to your work, as most of your rhymes comes at the end of your prose, however, you do use multis... maybe a little bit more inner bar rhyming

as far as the story itself... honestly i wasnt too interested in it.... written well, but i didnt really get pulled in till i got to your climax(which did its job for this piece) but honestly i didnt care about the character too much... i was hoping for a little bit more at the end as it felt open ended....

but your opponent no showed...

you have to watch out for stretched bars like this

The embers of the dying fire left a soft orange stain on his left side and darkness on his right

24 syllables would be hard to spit on one bar



im looking forward to seeing more of your work

shame this got slept on...

Keviyon ? Yeah, let's just say I called him Kevin in the story. Could not remember to prounce that. Why use such weird name?

Anyhow this had it's points. A camp fire story full of, violence, folklore and song...but this did not feel campy. It felt like you were telling not showing. The song in the middle detracted, because it was pointless what the lyrics were...it developed Kevin in the wrong way that did not add to anything hhaaa, to me Kevin and other dude where fighting the narrator for the main spotlight

rhymes were good in some areas, hot in others. A good drop. I see this as a potential vocal track.

Omega man wins by no show