[Week 1] ShadowWarriorfs vs T.a.C

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 16, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689



    Disgusted

    I was born into a world raised by lies and vile acts
    Hearing mother’s cries while father’s denial distracts-
    Him from this reality, I watch as they fall into despair
    Father’s fatality left mother feeling angry and bare
    As the days progressed, mother refused to look at me
    Her heart weak and stressed, “Look at what you took from me!”
    As she shatters a vase across my adolescent face
    Blood rests on the carpet as she quickens her pace
    My lips pressed against the floor forcing me to taste
    Begging her to stop the jeers, crying as she berated me
    Screaming in my ears about how much she hated me
    Finally she gave up, kicking me while I ran to my room
    My tears erupted until finally I embraced the gloom
    Still consumed with anger as mother continued the abuse

    One night I awoke to mother tightening her noose
    The moonlight revealed the disgust she had for me
    Her eyes now sealed as she kicked the chair quickly
    I screamed violently but her body lay there twitching
    The air echoed silently waiting for her to start bitching
    My heartbreak turned to rage progressing through time
    Until I reached middle age, drugs had ruined my mind
    Doctors diagnosed me as bipolar as I refused medication
    Girlfriend said I would control her but confused my dedication
    I realized that all women would eventually to hurt me
    Deserving of slaughter like cattle deemed unworthy

    This night was calm as the moon settled in the sky
    Carla asleep in her room, “what a perfect night to die”
    I thought while wiping a knife against my pant leg
    I slowly positioned myself soon she would be dead
    I quickly covered her mouth as her body seized
    “Sshhhh” I whispered, “You should be pleased”
    “Are you proud of me?” I said as she closed her eyes
    “Look at me!” I screamed as I stabbed her in the thighs
    “Where is that cold stare you gave me 16 years ago?
    A look that would scare God if he hadn’t left me with a hoe”
    Slowly moving the blade up until it reached her neck
    She started to sob hoping I would begin to regret-
    My actions, “It’s time to end this” I said as I leaned in
    Her pleas muffled by my hand, her eyes were screaming
    With a quick flick of my wrist, blood started flowing
    My grip loosened as I rolled next to her, knife glowing
    Whispering, “Look at what you did to me”
    “Why wouldn’t you just love me…”


    [​IMG]
    test
  4. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    ill prolly need an extension. i work tomorrow morning and i havent even started.
    test
  5. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    Raised by a single mother
    Placed in an evil gutter
    A taste and Dad dumped her
    Erased from my life before the first word I muttered


    I wonder what coulda been until I’ve bugged out
    I coulda had a childhood, if he coulda put the drugs down
    I dedicated my life
    To educating, I tried
    Meditating through strife
    Levitating to heights
    And never taking the type
    Of road my dad lead to be mine
    I studied addiction
    Learned the druggy fiction
    All the muddy friction
    That causes this bloody self infliction
    I vowed to do everything I could
    To keep another kid from having my childhood
    My father was my grandfather, he raised me
    In the same gated community as Martin Scorsese

    I went to work at a rehab facility after I graduated
    Worked up the ranks, and in time had a few patients
    I saw them come and go
    I saw a few come back
    But they’d always go with hope
    That they’d never relapse
    It was all good until a patient caught my eye
    Absolutely beautiful, but not my type
    She was vulnerable, I couldn’t take advantage
    But as I got to know her, the feelings couldn’t be managed

    After she graduated from the facility
    And I had seen her improvements visibility
    Her life was showing stability
    That’s when I went against my better sensibility
    I asked her out to dinner, she gleefully accepted
    The night went way better that I ever expected
    It lead to another, and another, and another
    A few months in, I realized that I loved her
    And she loved me, like the love for drugs she once had
    She moved in to my place after a couple months passed
    I was proud of the progression, and the growth she made
    But after a while my suspicions grew, I hope she ain’t
    Still using behind my back, “I hope you don’t mind I ask”
    Words coming out in slow motion like no time passed
    Her eyes rolled back, she was trying to create a lie
    That’s right when I noticed her sedated eyes
    I hate it…Why…This hurt, and there wasn’t shit for ointment
    Not since I realized what my dad did had I felt disappointment
    Like this…wishing I didn’t have to hear no sin
    She hands me her needle, filled with heroin
    I go into the bathroom, ready to flush it down
    I’ve always hated drugs, but really, fuck it now
    I jab the needle into my vein, screw my pain
    I cannot fathom what the fuck in my brain
    Makes people keep putting drugs before me
    First my dad, now this fuckin whore, she
    Loves this shit more, she loves to be high
    I give in…Fuck it, I gotta see why


    She went back to rehab, I quit my job
    She got herself clean, to eat I’ve gotta rob
    I’m proud of her, I really truly am
    But now that I need it, she wont lend a helping hand



    You're an innocent kid that becomes a drug addict. How does this change your life?
    test
  6. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    Shad:

    I felt like the first half was written with lots of passion and energy.. up until your first grammatical error..
    I realized that all women would eventually to hurt me
    Deserving of slaughter like cattle deemed unworthy


    then i was sorta displeased with the part where your guy stabbed her in the theigh for the sake of rhyme.. but other then that your topical reminded me what i've grown so fond of.. a classic shad rstl verse

    T.a.C.:

    I sorta abhorred the fact that you used a single mother as your main character as that was my similar approach but this was a fresh t.a.c that i have never seen....rhyme scheme was pretty dope and could tell you really tried to use fancy rhyme schemes as for the story i loved how much development went on and so much detail was used to distinguish a time line this story had element of story telling that i consider basic necessary and conventional. all the while using an unconventional approach

    good job to both people but in this case the winner is (imo)

    T.a.C. for intriguing me a bit more.. with a stonger twist at the end
    test
  7. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,178
    Shadow: Lines like,
    I was born into a world raised by lies and vile acts
    Hearing mother’s cries while father’s denial distracts-
    Him from this reality, I watch as they fall into despair
    Father’s fatality left mother feeling angry and bare
    As the days progressed, mother refused to look at me
    Her heart weak and stressed, “Look at what you took from me!”

    and
    One night I awoke to mother tightening her noose
    The moonlight revealed the disgust she had for me
    Her eyes now sealed as she kicked the chair quickly
    I screamed violently but her body lay there twitching
    The air echoed silently waiting for her to start bitching

    really made an impact on me, the development of the story and those moments that ultimately had an impact on the brutal end tied everything together well. Excellent story, admire the progression. Rhyme scheme was simple, but given the stories complexity and how necessary building up to that final moment really was.. I didn't take it into consideration.

    T.a.C.-
    Her eyes rolled back, she was trying to create a lie
    That’s right when I noticed her sedated eyes
    I hate it…Why…This hurt, and there wasn’t shit for ointment
    Not since I realized what my dad did had I felt disappointment
    Like this…wishing I didn’t have to hear no sin
    She hands me her needle, filled with heroin
    I go into the bathroom, ready to flush it down
    I’ve always hated drugs, but really, fuck it now
    I jab the needle into my vein, screw my pain
    I cannot fathom what the fuck in my brain
    Makes people keep putting drugs before me
    First my dad, now this fuckin whore, she
    Loves this shit more, she loves to be high
    I give in…Fuck it, I gotta see why

    That was really good. I could picture that moment. You did a much better job on this subject then I did. Got into the story.. I wanted to see how it happened and that last part of what I quoted didn't let me down at all.
    I went to work at a rehab facility after I graduated
    Worked up the ranks, and in time had a few patients
    I saw them come and go
    I saw a few come back
    But they’d always go with hope
    That they’d never relapse

    those were really strong bars. I've been through an outpatient program etc, and you told the story of a counselor very well. That's an achievement by itself..

    win : I have to give this to shadow. tac did an excellent job on his, but it just didn't call out to me, AS MUCH, as shadows did. both did an amazing job but the storyline with the strongest development/impact on me was ShadowWarriorfs. The psychological impact alone made my decision.
    test
  8. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Shadow -- ya boy's got mother issues like a muh fucka...The story was really quick, you had three short stories. each story built on the other, very good formula. The mechanics were average at best. At some points you told me what was going on rather than SHOW me what was going on. However, in other parts you did SHOW me. I would have enjoyed it much more if you did that throughout. Here's an example of somethings I think you could have found a better way to depict:

    "crying as she berated me" (obviously did this to rhyme)

    "I slowly positioned myself soon she would be dead" (obviously used a rhyme filler also; note you already said that she was going to die at the begining of the stanza)

    Good story development (ie good exposition, good climax, and good resolution). Overall the story is good, I just think you should have painted me a picture rather than write me an essay.

    Good lines: "Deserving of slaughter like cattle deemed unworthy", "Her pleas muffled by my hand, her eyes were screaming"





    TaC -- I read the verse without reading your topic....which is good that you put it at the end or I would've have known where you were taking me. You gave me a little surprise with your ending...good job. However, everything I said about Shadow's verse applies to yours. This was rushed and I can tell. You have GREAT feminine rhyme in the beginning and some stretched feminine rhyme towards the end. Some basic rhymes like "pain & brain". Nothing to spectacular. You had a nice story, showed that everyone is his life did drugs and he finally gave into society's wishes, and regretted he did as he saw not all were as caring as he was. However, there was nothing very poetic about the verse at all, no real wordplay no metaphors. Al the the second stanza was awesome you seemed to have fell off as you progressed with the story.



    Vote Shadow. I had seen much much better from both of these writers and was quite frankly disapointed. I give it to Shadow for painting a better picture for me.
    test
  9. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    shadows story was cool.... i liked the writing... the plotline was okay but very predictable... i kinda knew he was gonna kill the bitch.... halfway through the story, and it didnt help that i saw the pic before i ended the story, means there was really no twist to it...

    the way you got there with your writing ability was good... the writing itself didnt bore me but the story didnt quite hook me in, as i went through it wuick and wasnt suprised with the end result

    tac... cool little story, innicent kid dragged in by drugs from a girl, and once she got help she wont help you... nice little suprise at the end... getting there was pretty easy... and nothing suprised me within the story to intrigue me into saying to my self "whats gonna happen next? sooo once again like shadow i plowed through it knowing whats gonna happen with the girl, not quite knowing that you would become addicted yourself... but you didnt elaborate much on your own addiction, but much more the reasoning...

    i went back and forth on this one and i vote shadow, as his piece, however predictable, i preferred the writing and the rhyme schem, except for the thigh shot for the reasning of rhyme... shit... you could cummed in her eye for before stabbing her in the thigh :p

    overall good battle and im looking forward to seeing more from both
    test
  10. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2011
    Messages:
    1,541
    shads -' I thought while wiping a knife against my pant leg
    I slowly positioned myself soon she would be dead'
    was fucking awful. soon she would be dead? ughh, that is some ugly writing right there. the beginning of the verse was really good and i was actually pretty excited to read more of it. because you've tightened up your writing and the first four lines really helped set up what you were going for. but after that it just seemed to get a little bit sloppy and i didn't really like it. all went a bit samey, the writing was nice enough but there wasn't anything to really pull me in. i really wish that you'd stuck with how you started it.

    tac - an evil gutter? you know i've had issue with some of your bizarre wording before and this was definitely one of those times. for it to be so early on really stood out for me. oddly, as most people tend to start strong and then slowly fade out on what they're trying to say. your story definitely started picking up in the middle and the writing became much better and clearer. however, i did actually laugh out loud at 'My father was my grandfather, he raised me
    In the same gated community as Martin Scorsese' one of the most bizarre rhymes i've seen. but it was a really nice rhyme. just came completely out of left field and caught me off guard. the story did start getting a bit predictable and start plodding a bit towards the end but i did like the last 4 lines.

    vote- shads
    test
  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Shad- I don't know if I liked your verse or not...There was a very long time line and it ended just like it started, it was glossed over. Nothing important was given much attention, all the stanzas were quick just giving enough to resemble a narration. Rhymes were good, some good lines like: I thought while wiping a knife against my pant leg

    This was maybe like my verse idk

    Would have liked to see more detail that is important...because as I finished this I felt like I did not even know the character or cared for what and why he did done what he did...Each bar gave just a little bit and it only could connect as a whole and, no little bits of hooks per stanza separately. You gotta figure that out man. But this of course had a lots of positives going for it, flow, pace, A-Z story etc...


    TaC-- This read very smooth and I felt each line was building up in a progression. I was really interested in this as a reader dog. I like how ya developed and set the beginning up to be able to pull of the end like that. To me, this is what Shad needs a little bit more of: less sterile and more of raw. I like the quick fragmented line pace, just a stutter then I slowed down. Great job

    V: TaC

    Shads verse looks better, TaC's hooks.
    test
  12. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,245
    this was a pretty even battle imho, both have writen way better in my opinion. however, shadow I did like your verse and I see such great improvements in your writing. the story I feel developed pretty nicely and it flowed pretty good which kept my attention.

    tac - some really nice spots in here and then some lines I felt were just too simple. I liked this line here "I wonder what coulda been until I’ve bugged out
    I coulda had a childhood, if he coulda put the drugs down" I really like that one there and how it set things up.

    close battle here. I have to go with shadow as I feel his story was a tad more captivating.

    v - shadow
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  13. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
    Messages:
    14,113
    Shadow:

    It was a pretty good verse. The concept was solid, you had trouble executing it's poignancy at times.
    Something a bit more subtle could've been used there, but this bit of the story didn't have the impact it could've had.

    Your rhymes were kind of shaky in parts, I'd say that's the area you should work on the most. Some were either forced, or just way too simplistic. It's okay to use simple rhymes if it's not to take away from wording, but your wording in those lines wasn't especially great either.

    Overall, pretty solid verse. Definitely need some work on mechanics but nice nonetheless.

    T.a.C. This was a really dope concept actually, and it kept me interested the whole way through. Your rhymes are really inconsistent though, sometimes really dope, sometimes not so much. If it ever feels like your forcing a rhyme, just quit it with the rhyme. Forced rhymes and wordplay can really hurt a verse. You hafta work on closing your story though. The ending could've been much better, those lines should have much more impact than they did, especially when trying to write a dramatic piece.

    Vote - T.a.C. Shadow had the more consistent mechanics, but T.a.C.'s peaks were higher and had a better concept.
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Shadow up 5 to 1
    test
  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    Shadow wins 5 to 1
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)